Lessons from Losing Voice

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Things start to get tough for these past few days and will continue for the next few months. Trapara 2012 will be started soon. Tough days are coming and one of its effects is I lost my voice now due to inflammation and exhaustion *sighs* I can't talk, I can't sing, I can't laugh, I can't scream, I can't swing (?) for undetermined time to recover it. Oh well.... I hated it at firts, but now I think I'm quite happy because I don't need to talk to others. Sometimes without I realize it, I laughed too much, talked too much, most of them are usually useless talk. By not being able to make any sound like now, I could learn not to use my mouth for any useless conversation, for example: gossiping. Nobody's perfect including me. But we can always try to be better person. What is a good person? Who is him? Well, these past few months, I've been learning deeply about Muhammad SAW, so he should be our example of a good person. As a Muslim, it is our obligation to follow his way of living. Of course we will never be able to be as humanely perfect as him, but we can always try to follow what he had taught. As a human, I realized that I've done a lot of mistakes and I still do even now, but by making Muhammad as my role model makes me be more careful when I talk or act in front others. It is not 'imaging' or pencitraan, I'm just trying to be a better person.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Pergolakan

Timpang sebelah. Seperti jungkat-jungkit yang dimainkan sendirian. Sama sekali tidak menyenangkan. Ingin berpindah ke mainan yang lain, entah yang bisa dimainkan beramai-ramai atau yang bisa dinikmati sendiri, tapi raga ini terpaku, tak mau bergerak, memaksa bertahan, memaksa percaya bahwa akan datang teman yang mau bermain jungkat-jungkit bersama. 

Mencapai puncaknya. Hati menjadi terlalu lelah. Tak ada yang datang untuk menemani bermain. Menunggu, menunggu, menunggu. Berharap, berharap, berharap, hingga raga ini tak sanggup. Akhirnya tumbang. Karam. Hilang. Tak dipedulikan. Tak dipertanyakan. Tak diingat. Selamat tinggal.

This thoughts suddenly pops up in my mind at 2.30 am

Good Morning.

It's 2.30 AM in Indonesia, and I'm still awake like I always do. 

People around me, they are slowly but surely, have started to change themselves, in a good way. They have become more mature. Be mature is a good thing, isn't it? Somehow, it amazes me when I'm talking to one friend and sharing our opinions about many things, then I realized that the way my friend is thinking has become more mature. They become smarter and even their personality is not the same personality as I used to know. 

I'm feeling lonely, sometimes. But this is not their fault because moving on to be a better person is a good thing. It's just me who doesn't want to change myself, or maybe I'm not ready to be mature, yet. To tell you the truth, my brain is not interested when it comes to serious things, that is why I usually always quiet when I talk to my friends and they started talking about something like politics, science, and such.

I do not have any interest in such a topic, that is why I never try to know about those things, which is really a mistake, maybe, or maybe not. 

Doesn't mean that I haven't changed too. I have changed in a few things like I become more quiet day by day. I feel more relaxed when I'm alone. Now, I don't need anyone else to accompany me when I need to go to places like Mall or bookstore, because I'm enjoying myself traveling alone. Despite the fact that I don't want to disturb my friends who are really busy now and I don't want to disappoint myself when my invitation gets rejected, I'm getting used to being alone.

Btw, do not be like me. However, being together with friends is still way much better than being alone.

Holiday Sucks

As you see right up above... I'm going to talk about my galauness for these past last one month. In other words: CURHAT!

I'm on my one month-college holiday after struggling with the final exam for three weeks (pretty long, wasn't it?). I was relieved when I finally got a chance to rest after I spent most of my days for six months at college or Mabit Nurul Fikri. After getting so many things done, and finally, I'm free. I've made to-do-list things to spend during my long holiday. I bought a lot of Japanese doramas to watch, some new books to read, and promised to meet up with some old friends. Sounds perfect for a holiday, but.... well, I made plans, but apparently, life has another plan. So far, my holiday has not been as fun as I thought it would be.

There's nothing worse than a family problem. You know, it sucks. And I've spent the whole holiday struggling with my mind, thinking about this family problem. I can't do anything to fix it or help my parents. They won't let me interfere, though. They said all I have to do is stay out of the problems and watch. How annoying. I mean, my parents always talked about this problem in front of my room in a loud voice. And I, who always stay in my room for 24 hours, have ears and they work well so I can hear everything my parents talk about. That's annoying because all I can do is just listen and silent. The worst thing is I got this suck insomnia, so I can't sleep at night. I NEED A REAL LIFE.

I still have two weeks left for the holiday. Anyone save me, please. I'm begging you! 😭

The Loneliness

You turn on the television. The soap opera your mother watches daily is playing right now. Of course, that drama is nothing compared to the drama in your life. You get bored. You turn off the TV. Even the internet, those awesome websites, can't make you feel better. There is something in your heart that doesn't feel right. You're curious. Why are these things can't make you feel... right? Even those DVDs you always watch can't make you laugh this time. You grab your phone, trying to find someone to talk to. You found your best friend's number and were about to call her. You stopped. Then you start thinking: Why should I bother my friend with my problems?

You put down your phone. You get back to your room. You turn off the light and lie on the bed. You look up at the ceiling. You felt empty. You are alone. There are so many people outside. Why am I still feeling this lonely? Suddenly your eyes catch a dark shadow on the wall. You look at that shadow for a while. And then you smiled, relieved, and said, "Thank God, I am not alone." 

Mulutku Harimauku

I learned something today... When I'm in a really bad mood, I can stay quiet longer than people thought. Act like I'm cool and only give a fake smile to people.

But, once I open my social media such as Twitter or Plurk... Disanalah gue akan jadi sangat-sangat jujur dalam mengungkapkan isi hati. Baru saja terjadi lagi hari ini. Gue yang sedang dilanda resah dan gelisah karena masalah berjibun jadi lepas kendali and I was like blaming it to everybody. I'M  PATHETIC!

Bukan satu atau dua orang saja yang mungkin hari ini sudah tersinggung dengan komentar dan status sembarangan gue di social media... Haha maaf. This is me, bocah labil yang nggak bisa menahan emosi.

Marah karena rencana yang mungkin akan gagal dan gue menyalahkan orang-orang disekitar dengan egois tanpa memikirkan kepentingan mereka... What a loser you are, Andria!

Dan karena sikap jelek banget yang seperti itu, banyak yang merasa nggak enak, merasa bersalah, dan meminta maaf sama gue. Oh, come on guys. It wasn't your fault. It was me 😞 And yes... Gue baru menyadari hal itu disaat gue selesai melakukan semua kesalahan itu. What a Jerk! 

Well, at least I've found out how to handle these problems. 

NEVER. OPEN. MY. SOCIAL. MEDIA. WHENEVER. I AM. IN. BAD. MOOD!

Jadi, mulai waktu selanjutnya, kalau saya badmood lagi... sebaiknya saya buang HP jauh-jauh. Semoga bisa deh. Amin.

Maaf atas jari yang nggak bisa jaga sikap ini T_T

Pemimpi

Sedari kecil, gue memang suka bermimpi tinggi meski itu hanya impian kosong. Tapi, gue yang dulu dan sekarang berbeda. Gue benar-benar ingin mewujudkan impian itu. Semua orang mampu asal mereka punya keinginan dan keyakinan akan kemampuan diri mereka. Gue tidak mau terlahir di dunia ini hanya menjadi manusia kecil nggak bermakna dengan hidup biasa.

Gue ingin menjadi bagian dari suatu organisasi yang bisa membantu orang-orang di jalanan, anak-anak yang nggak sekolah agar punya hidup yang lebih layak. Tapi, gue juga tau... untuk mencapai semua itu nggak akan mudah. Perjuangannya bukan perjuangan biasa. Gue sangat mengerti itu dan karena itulah gue semakin yakin. Memulai dari hal kecil, sekarang gue melatih diri untuk lebih banyak berpikir dan meyakinkan diri untuk percaya pada impian itu. Bahwa gue ingin berbuat sesuatu di dunia ini. Sesuatu yang bermakna dan berguna. 

Gue percaya dengan semua itu. Tapi kata-kata ini benar-benar membuat gue jatuh lagi begitu kerasnya.

"Mimpi boleh tapi jangan ketinggian. Yang realistis. Ntar kalau kamu udah gede, udah hidup di kantoran juga nggak bakal semudah itu mikirnya. Nggak usahlah mimpi kayak gitu. Jadi pegawai negeri aja udah. Gaji terjamin."

Setiap kali gue sekedar iseng curhat bahwa gue mau jadi ini, ingin membuat itu, dia akan bilang kalo impian gue adalah impian kosong anak remaja yang gampang diucapkan. Dia selalu bilang kalau dewasa nanti, akan berbeda pemikirannya. Baginya, yang terpenting dalam hidup adalah mencari kenyamanan dan keamanan, segala hal yang pasti dan harus terjamin.

Gue mungkin cuma bocah perempuan 17 tahun yang suka berkhayal dan tidak punya pengalaman apa-apa sekarang. Tapi apa salah kalau gue hanya ingin menceritakan impian dengannya. Tidak bisakah dia tersenyum dan mengiyakan saja? Minimal agar gue tidak kehilangan kepercayaan diri?