2017 in Review

2017 ended in a blink of an eye. At least for me. Oh well, I was sleeping during the new year's eve and when I woke up, all the fireworks and new year's hype has been long gone 😂 2017 was ordinary, I wasn't sure what to feel about it. The thing that I realized is I'm getting bored with my life and I don't feel excited about anything anymore, which really is sad because I felt empty. When you felt this much emptiness, you began to lose yourself. Even so, there were quite big moments that made my long boring life became a little less boring too and I'd like to write about them here.

Maximphonia and National Folklore Festival 2017

Some of PSM UIN Jakarta Alumni decided to form an independent choir and we named it Maximphonia. We formed Maximphonia for those who are no longer able to join PSM UIN rehearsal due to their busy schedules at work and only have free time during weekends. So, the members who joined are those who have been absent from choir for a long time, which means we have to start from scratch and learn how to sing choir from the beginning again. We also decided to join the National Folklore Festival 2017 at the Faculty of Economy at the University of Indonesia in March and I was assigned as treasurer. We ranked 6th out of 18 choirs which are great since we actually prepared this competition by ourselves without a professional coach or professional arranger. We truly joined the competition to bring back all the good feelings about singing in the choir and I dare to say we accomplished our goals. We truly had fun throughout the process and we never felt that relaxed during the competition before ❤

I Passed My Undergraduate Thesis Defense

Well, after 7 years (yes, you read it correctly, 7 YEARS!) of college, I finally did my Undergraduate Thesis Defense in July. It was quite a hectic day, my lecturer gave me the wrong schedule so I ended up late and we had to rush preparing the foods and everything. Luckily, my examiners were willing to wait and didn't show any sign of annoyance (special treatment for final year students I guess 😂). The thesis defense went for only 45 minutes on my part and I was able to give them satisfying answers and results despite the fact that I was super nervous. Well, how can't I? After such miscommunication with the schedule, I thought they would have canceled my thesis defense and change it to another day 😅 Thanks to such kind examiners, I was able to enjoy it and get a good grade for it. Some of my friends also came to support me although I only informed them about the defense that very morning to ask for prayers. Julian, Putri (who brought me a really huge flowers bouquet ❤), Wicak (who brought me flowers and support from Bayu who couldn't come), Aulia (who brought me my favorite Good Day coffee with Iqbal's support as well), and Mella (who also brought me Good Day coffee 😃). And of course Diah, Amel, Wardah, who helped me a lot during the process. They are the biggest part of this process and without them, I might have given up college a long time ago. Thank you!

Additional Singer for Bianglala Voices

It was not the first time for me to be an additional singer for Bianglala Voices, a vocal group of adult singers whose members are also my seniors in PSM UIN Jakarta and my choir coach, Bu Tanti, and Om Freddy. Bu Tanti always gives me chances to experience new things in musical fields and most of the jobs I got were all from her. I can never thank her enough for always believe in me and entrust me with such responsibility. That kind of support made me truly grateful and gave me courage because I often don't feel good about myself. 

What made this event special was because I was assigned to sing a solo part during Endah 'n Rhesa's song, When You Love Someone, during Bianglala Voices' performance at Earhouse Cafe. Earhouse is Endah and Rhesa's cafe and we got to sing in front of them. For someone like me, it was truly an amazing experience and an honor to sing that song in front of the artists themselves. Om Bintang, the one who leads the performance was a strict person but he entrusted me with this solo part to surprise Endah and Rhesa, and it was successful 😂 They really didn't expect us to perform that song for them because Om Bintang introduced it as a K-Pop song. My parents were also present at that moment and Om Bintang introduced me to the audience with such kind words and even thanked my parents for letting me join them even if it means I had to stay until midnight for rehearsal. I swear I love the look in my mother's eyes that night. I haven't seen those many stars in her since I won Writing Competition at National Championship in 2010. I can never thank Bianglala Voices enough for this experience ❤

Bandung and Padang Trip

I was able to visit many places in Indonesia this year (thanks to mudik as always) but two places that left a really special impression in me were Bandung and Padang. I visited Padang for the first time for my cousin's wedding and we had a chance to sightseeing although for only one day. The best thing about Padang is food. I swear they taste much much tastier than in Jakarta 😂 And even now as I'm writing this, I can't help but craving for more of Padang cuisines. I got to see Jam Gadang Tower and got permission to climb to the rooftop with my cousins too. My cousin's father has quite huge influence and role in Padang and I'm grateful to get that special privilege because.... well, it's not every day you get the chance to get to the rooftop of Jam Gadang Tower, right?! 😂

Bandung Trip was special because for the first time in forever, I was able to go on a vacation with my friends, Iqbal and Erna, without my parents or seniors or any study/organisation event. It was purely for vacation. It was only a 2 days trip but it was still memorable to me. We didn't go to any expensive places because we didn't have time (or money lol), but thankfully, Mr. Ridwan Kamil has designed every spot in Bandung into a beautiful place for Instagram. So, we were able to enjoy every place we visited and went home satisfied and re-charged (and craved for more Bandung 😁)

Hmm... Now that I think back to the past, this year wasn't so bad. My two best friends also got married and I took a big part in their wedding, we also had some nice little celebrations and were able to meet up way more often than before. Those were such good memories, so why do I still feel empty? Why do I feel like it was a boring year? When did it go down? Is it the fact that our family had troubles with building our new house? Is it the fact that I was unable to help much that I felt worthless? Is it a part of becoming an adult? I miss being a part of something. Maybe the reason I felt this much emptiness is because I stopped singing choir. I didn't fall in love with anybody either. And I've kinda lost connection with some of my precious people. So, to find my happiness, I need to find or create a place where I belong. But what is it? I don't even know what I'm looking for but I truly wish I would find that thing that I lost. 

2018.... Please treat me kindly ❤

Orang yang Berharga

Ada masa dimana gue begitu terpesona dengan kata sahabat. Kemudian, entah karena terpengaruh kisah di film atau novel, gue merasa bahwa sahabat itu adalah orang-orang tertentu yang paling memahami diri kita dan setia mengiringi kita dalam sulit dan senang. Lalu, gue memasuki masa dimana gue nggak lagi mempercayai kata sahabat. Itu adalah masa tersuram, gue begitu tersesat dan membenci segala hal. 

Nggak ada yang perduli. Nggak ada yang mengerti. Gue hanya sendirian di dunia ini.

Begitu besarnya kesedihan menutupi hati gue sampai gue nggak mampu melihat kebaikan orang-orang di sekitar. Seiring berjalannya waktu, gue sadar, 'sahabat' itu hanyalah label yang kita berikan kepada orang-orang tertentu, dan secara egois gue berharap mereka juga harus memberikan label yang sama pada gue. Mungkin karena itu juga, gue beberapa kali merasa kecewa.

Dia kan sahabat gue? Kenapa dia nggak peka dengan kesedihan gue? Kenapa dia tidak memahami gue?

Padahal sebuah hubungan yang tulus tidak membutuhkan label apapun. Tanpa harus berkali-kali kita sebutkan, kita tahu bahwa orang itu berharga bagi kita. Apakah orang itu menganggap kita sama berharganya, tidaklah penting bukan? Hidup ini terus berjalan, akan ada masa dimana orang-orang tertentu tak mampu lagi untuk selalu ada bagi kita. Lalu, apakah itu berarti kita dapat dengan mudah mencopot label sahabat dari mereka? Daripada berpikir dan meminta agar mereka mau memahami, kenapa bukan gue yang belajar memahami?

Mereka adalah orang yang berharga bagi gue. Mereka mungkin nggak mampu untuk selalu ada, tapi ada masa dimana mereka pernah berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk kepentingan gue. Ini bukan kisah fiksi dimana ketika kita terpuruk dan putus asa, akan ada sahabat sejati yang senantiasa menolong. Terkadang, kita harus menghadapi segala cobaan tanpa bergantung pada orang lain selain pada Tuhan. Daripada mempertanyakan apa nilai dan makna orang lain dalam hidup kita, bukankah kita seharusnya berusaha memberikan makna dalam kehidupan orang-orang di sekitar kita?

A Letter For A Bestfriend

Things have changed between us
We're no longer laughed together
We don't call each other anymore
I don't even know what are you to me now?
Or what am I to you now?

Maybe it was my decision to leave you
Maybe I'm just being selfish
Maybe I should be more forgiving
Maybe I should be more understanding

But you don't even try to hold me from leaving
You don't even try to call me and ask, "what's wrong?"
You are fine with my absence
You still laugh the same way 'though it's not with me

I wish I could turn back time
I wish I could save you from your mistakes
I wish I could protect you from your sins
I wish I could be there when you needed me

But, aren't we all sinners?
Who am I judging you from your mistakes?
I made mistakes too
So, why can't I just forgive you for yours?

Maybe I'm just being selfish again
Maybe because you never ask for it
Maybe I'm just not a good person
Or maybe... you just don't want to be saved

Dear Zahrika Prastamia

Hey, Mia...

I wonder if you would ever read this post. I've been wondering where you are, where you've gone, you completely disappear from our lives. It's been almost 2 years since the last time I saw you. I don't know your phone number, and you disappear from all of the social media.

Where are you? Are you okay? We miss you, you know.

We're still struggling to graduate from college, all of us, me, Mella, Diah, Wardah, and Amel. We're still in contact with each other and sometimes we meet at school. We're wondering where you are. We're even planning to get your address so we could go to your house. You're one of the very important people in my college life. You saved me in many exams and I don't want to lose you just like that. I don't refer to a lot of people as my bestfriend, but to me, you're one of those very few people.

Where are you? Are you healthy? Do you remember us?

I'm working now, and it's so much harder to work on my thesis and also trying to finish all of my studies. I miss our intellectual conversations after classes or during classes (although most of the time it's only you and Wardah talking lol), I miss your existence and your coolness and indifference towards a lot of things lol.

Where are you? I sincerely wish you're doing fine

I just want you to know that you have me, Mella, Wardah, Diah, and Amel, who are here to support you and miss you so much. I want you to know how much we pray that all of us will succeed together in the end, in our own way. If I could get a chance to meet all of you again, I want all of us to go somewhere, far from college, and just travel for fun. We have never done that, right? We only meet at college. I regretted that I was so caught up with PSM and never spare my time to meet you guys outside the college.

Where are you? I wish you read this post somehow.

If you do read it, please let me know that you're still around, that you're not really gone. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. You were one of the very few people who understand me. We're one and the same, although you're a lot smarter haha.

Anyway, I wish wherever you are, you're doing great and be healthy.

We miss you. A lot.

2015 in review

Time flies...

Suddenly, 2015 ends in a blink of an eye. It felt so fast, for me at least, compared to last year. What are you doing in this new year's eve? I guess I've stopped celebrating the new year's eve. Last year, during the fireworks moments, I was sleeping on the plane and didn't really remember that it was the time when people in the whole world were celebrating the new year. Come to think of it, this year turned out to be so much better than I expected, not as amazing as 2013 which still remain as the best year of my life so far, but 2015 is somewhat.... a turning point for me. There are so many things that I could finally changed this year about myself whereas in 2014, I failed miserably and rather stuck in the most miserable point. Alhamdulillah...

1. Healed

I started 2015 with my heart overwhelmed with peace after I got back from my first umroh with my brothers. It's like my soul got re-charged into 250%. All of the things that hurt me in 2014, were healed after I went umroh. I just felt at peace for quite a while at that time, and definitely so much closer to Allah SWT although, I'm not yet perfect, but I want to be better. It's baby steps, insha Allah, but I'll get there. Amin.

2. PSM UIN Jakarta

On November 2014, I decided to take a break from PSM UIN Jakarta, although I was still in charge as cantora, I still wanted to quit the job and tried to do something so they will replace me. I stopped coming to PSM UIN Jakarta, for 2 months. I told them that I wanted to focus on my thesis, when the truth is, I just wanted to escape. The reason for that was because I lost confidence. It's not like I had a lot of it, I don't even have 50% of confidence, and then suddenly I lost it even more, to a zero point. 

I failed in so many tests in 2014, such as choir audition or school stuffs. I felt worthless. I felt that I didn't deserved to be in that place any longer. I didn't want to have anything to do with choir anymore. I thought. But in January, my friend, Azis, who was (and still is) a conductor of PSM UIN Jakarta, asked me to be Artistic on Duty for PSM UIN Jakarta anniversary. So, I forced myself to come back and do my job, and ended up, stuck in PSM again.... until now. I didn't regret it though. I know that I can never leave a place that I called home. It remains as one of my comfort zones and I know I should never run away from it.

3. Voice of Indonesia

I forgot when the audition was held, it was during January or February, but anyway, I decided to try again. I decided to test myself and see if I could change my weakness. Voice of Indonesia is so much different than most choirs. It's about your ability to sing solo, and your ability to perform and entertain people. It's a show choir. Something that I long desired, but didn't have enough confidence to have it.

So, I and my friend, Sabrin, decided to audition. I still remember the feeling that I got when I sing in front of Rio Silaen, the founder and coach of VOI. It was actually the first time that I didn't feel nervous, and I could sing with all my heart. I guess it has something to do with his piano skills too. He tried me with different keys, and he forced me to sing wholeheartedly. And I did. Maybe it's because of the song too. I offered him 3 songs, but he tried me in On My Own from Les Miserable song the most.

So, yeah... I passed the audition. It was such a wonderful moment and experiences, learning, singing, and performing with Voice of Indonesia. They are different than most choirs, and the people in it were just so nice. This place taught me about professionalism in performing, without losing the soul in the song we sing.

Unfortunately, I had to resign on September 2015 because of so many reasons. I don't know if I regretted it or not, but I will be forever thankful for being able to be a part of them, even only for short period. They give me back my confidence, and I'm thankful for it.

3. Album Garuda - PSM UIN Jakarta and Garuda Baseball

This is the last job that I had in PSM UIN Jakarta as Artistic on Duty. We worked on this album for about 2 months, I had to learn all the songs in it, find the singers, arrange the rehearsal, and stay in the recording studio with PSM. I worked with Tira to finish this album. It was tiring, we had to stay late outside every day. We spent most of our time at Kak Sattam's studio. Reading and learning new songs as fast as we can. I learned to manage my own emotion when working with many different people and different personalities. I'm glad that because of this job, I got to know Kak Sattam better and, working with Kak Kromong again is just one of the best things ever.

The end of this project (for me at least) was at the anniversary of Garuda Baseball & Softball at FX. We performed most of the songs in this album. It was great, watching so many children who are passionate in sports, and singing for them. It was also the last time I ever conducted in a performance I guess. My job in PSM ended in a way that I could never forget. It was not magnificent concert, and rather a simple and fun event, but it was memorable. It made me grateful to have PSM, and I'm grateful that 'til the last time, I can do a little thing for the organization that has given me so much.

4. Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta

Thanks to Adhya, now I worked at Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta boutique. Honestly, I never imagined myself, not even once, to work in a fashion company. It was never be my dream job at all... but who would have thought that it's not always dream that could make us happy? Sometimes, good environment and good people, could make it so much better than we thought it would be? This workplace is not heaven where there's no conflicts. Misunderstanding will always happen. but my bosses are one of the nicest people I ever met. My friends at work are nice and humble, even with such great talents, they remain down to earth. And when a workplace is filled with these kind of people, even if you're not working in your dream job, you will still be happy.

5. Friendship

I learned who or what  true friend is, and that true friend don't always refer each other as any kind of label. They just prove it. It's not about whom you spent most of your time with anymore. It's about the action rather than the person. Sometimes, we think of someone as our best friend, but we never knew if they think the same way about us. Like a one-sided love in friendship. And it happened to me.

Even after I learned the truth about everything, I will not forget that they have painted so many beautiful memories in my life.

True friendship, they are true when they changed you into a better person. They don't tell you promises or call you best friend all the time, but when you need them, they will be there for you.

Come to think of it, I never really spend the new year's eve alone before:

in 2015: I had my brothers and the whole Jamaah Surabaya with me on the plane, although we were asleep during the new year, lol

in 2014, I had Bayu, Adhya, Iqbal, Hafid, Syifa, and Nisa, we celebrated the new year at my house, although there was a feud between us but we through it all.

in 2013, I had Bayu, Adhya, Julian, Hafid, Gisti, Syifa, Mini, Nunena, Bhisma, Dandy, and Erni. We celebrated the new year at my house too.

In 2012, I had Kartika and Vina with me.

In 2011, I had my mabit friends and spent the rest of the night with Robby, Jihan, Bams, Kak Hen, kak Usman, Tari, Maya, Tyas, Bunda Dewi, dan Mia

We always celebrated the new year at my house because the fireworks are great in here. There are so many of them, so we don't have to go too far to witness great fireworks. There's a saying that you will spend the rest of the year with the people whom you've spent the new year's eve with. Tonight... I don't celebrate new year. I don't spend it with anyone. Does it mean I will spend the rest of 2016 by myself? 

We'll see~

Keep it to Yourself

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

The idea that you should never tell your worries or weakness to others
The idea that you should only keep your complains to yourself because self-pity is not cool
The idea that you have to remain strong and never disturb anyone with your sad story

Honestly

Those ideas and rules really make me feel breathless. I tried my best to keep my problems to myself. I do share my worries but I tried to keep it not as transparent as possible because I know I should keep it to myself. For someone with social anxieties and abnormal mood and brain, those ideas really make me feel exhausted. I always feel like crying and telling people my problems. But I ended up putting on a flat face when something inside of me is actually exploding. It becomes terrifying at night, as I could not hold it in anymore. It becomes chaos within me, it drives me insane, and it happened every night.

Indeed, those rules somehow make me feel closer to God because I will only cry my heart out to Him. But somewhere deep down, I wish I would have at least one person to share these terrifying things and tell me that it's gonna be okay. 'Cause that's what I will do for my friends. But maybe if I never call them, they will never know if I needed them. I should never hope that somehow their 'BFF' instinct would make them aware of my condition. A simple, "You're okay today, right?" mean so much to me. I remember one friend actually ask me this and I still remember it 'til now. Simply because I remember they once cared. But I know that they also have their own problems. And the rules of 'keep your problems to yourself' should be applied here. That's why I never really call anyone 'though I'm feel like dying inside. This is not a movie where you can always depend on your bestfriend's instinct.

But still.
I wish it is.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

A Friend?

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Yesterday felt like fairy tale to me. I didn't believe it actually happened. But fate simply didn't connect us together today. Those signs and feelings that bestfriends supposed to have, we didn't have it. That makes me question this friendship? Is it real? Or is it just me who feel this way? Maybe I should have called you instead of hoping for your 'bff' instinct to realized that I was there, that I needed your presence. Or maybe I should stop expecting a helping hand from anyone whenever I felt depressed. Be it you or my parents. I should only tell my worries and anxieties to God.

I always remind myself to be independent, to free myself from getting addicted to anybody's presence to make me feel safe, but I always fail miserably. Do we really need a soulmate? Even God created Eve for Adam? Is it too much for me to expecting a soulmate too?

The more I grown up, the more I separate myself from the crowd, but at the same time, the more I'm afraid that I will somehow end up alone.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

HBD23rd

Happy birthday...

Because if it's not you who celebrate it for yourself, who else would be? It's not like you are famous or have that many friends, but still, I'm so grateful to those who actually remember it. Thank you, Maxi, PSM, Gupa, VJ, etc, etc... Thank God that you're given the chance to live a bit longer so you can fix yourself.

Light up some candles, make a wish, and be grateful!!

About Happiness and A Friend

I finally have something to write in here again. 

Well, I have a best friend in High school named Dhanti. We were close, but we had to go separate ways. She went to Semarang because she got accepted to Universitas Diponegoro and I stayed in Jakarta. Since then, we rarely met each other. Even in a year, we would only meet once or twice, but it only lasted until my 4th or 5th semester. We became really busy. Let's say that we've got new companionship with new people, we've got new activities, we couldn't really find time to meet up anymore. But we still refer to each other as best friends until now.

Today, I found out that three weeks ago, her boyfriend had passed away, and I just found out now. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. I think the distance has separated us even further than I thought and none of us made enough efforts to call each other. A small conversation on Twitter doesn't count as a real conversation in my opinion. 

Today, I'm crying for the fact that I wasn't there with her at her hardest moment. Losing a boyfriend, someone who is dear to you, and it's not a breakup, you're literally losing him, forever, because he's gone, he passed away. I can imagine how hurtful it must be for her. It's like losing one of your important family members. And I just found out now, I feel like the dumbest person in the universe. I should have made more efforts to keep in touch with her. I feel like the worst friend ever. I don't think I've deserved the name called "friend".

But as much as I regretted it, it has passed. Lesson's learned: I still love her as my best friend and I always will, I shouldn't make the distance as an excuse to stop communicating with people, especially to those who are very special to me. I should have never left them behind. And I promise I'll fix this, I'll cherish her and everyone who is special to me more than ever. 

They said you shouldn't depend your happiness on other people, but I think our happiness, no matter what, is put in other people's happiness too, in a good way. I mean, I get really sad when my precious people are sad, but when I see them happy, I become happy too. This does not mean to our closest people only, but when you do something to help others, somewhere in your heart will be filled with joy. So, why don't we try to do that, start from our closest people?

We can't reverse the time, but we can create a better future, starting from now.

Kuliah Kerja Nyata

KKN is one of the greatest chapters in my life that I would cherish the most. I never expected that I would have such a deep bond with certain people from that place. How would I know? I wasn't really excited about KKN back then, barely came to the group meeting, I wanted to stay home so badly instead of spending 30 days in another faraway village. Anyway, people changed. Experience also changes my perspective and opinion about KKN. Now if anyone ever asked me about KKN, I would tell them to take it and enjoy it. You would create great memories as well 💗

So, whom did you think had a special bond with me? KKN Ganks? Hmm... no. They're nice and awesome, but what I mean here are the kids from Belimbing Village. And when I said special, I really mean it. Let's get to know them 😁

1. TINO 

He's in 5th grade and he has Liver disease, but unexpectedly he's super hyperactive. He has great energy and he loves to tickle everyone around him. He never gets tired, he could chase me only to tickle me for like an hour and he wouldn't stop until he gets his target. Naughty... naughty boy 😆 This cheerful kid can get along with most people. He likes to pull pranks on others too, and he usually succeeds. He's also very smart, like one of the most lovable kids I have ever met. Tino loves playing chess, that explained why he's so smart 😁

2. RICO

Rico is supposed to be in 5th grade, but he's still remained in 2nd grade. As far as I know, he can only read the word "Ibu" and "Ayah". He can do a bit of math, he can do addition quite well, but he can't do subtraction or even multiplication. Rico can't be hurt nor get hurt because he has epilepsy. We can't surprise him too hard or he will faint literally. Rico is very courageous to learn something. He's has a little bit of autism; if you tell him something, he will do it right away. Like when I told him to come to my homestay at 7 am, he really comes. When I promised him something, he will remember it and he will keep asking me to complete my promise to him 😁

3. STEPHEN

Stephen, such a cool name, tho all of his friends called him without the 'S', haha. Stephen is one of the most lovable kids too. He's naughtier than Tino. Stephen loves to pull pranks on others, and he's like a troublemaker, but in a cute way 😋 Stephen also has a deep bond with us, his home is really far from our homestay but he didn't hesitate to take a long road only to meet us and play with us. Isn't it the sweetest thing ever? And he loves animals so much. He would borrow my camera to hunt some animal pictures. That makes him even more adorable 💚

4. ANGGA - ANGGI

Angga (on the left) and Anggi (on the right), I usually called them Twins A. It's quite funny how I discovered them: At first, Anggi was absent because he was sick. I didn't know that Angga has a twin. After a week, I met Anggi who was running in the school hallway, but I called him Angga. Of course, he didn't answer. Then, one of their friends told me that it was Anggi who just ran past me, and Angga was inside the class. Can you imagine how I reacted when I found out that the adorable kid has another adorable twin? Like... double cuteness, LOL!! They're almost identical. But it's easy to differentiate them once you get used to them. Angga has a big mole on his neck while Anggi has a smaller one on his left cheek, and Anggi's face is a bit smaller. It's cute how they always wear exactly the same clothes when they visited my homestay, and they always have the same haircut. Unlike the other kids, Angga and Anggi are very shy. They refused to get closer to us in the first two weeks. It was a big surprise when they visited our homestay despite their faraway home. And they visited us every day, although all they did were only sitting, hiding their faces, and whenever we asked them something, both of them have the same answers: "Nggak tau.." or just look away, refused to answer. But they're still really cute. This post is longer than the others because they are, you know, double~ 💙💙

5. ARDI

Ardi is in 4th grade. He was supposed to be in 5th grade, but he failed because he missed too many classes the previous year. It's sad because he's a brilliant kid, and much more mature than the others in character. He's the best kid I have ever met. He loves drawing and his drawing is fantastic. He knows that I adored him more than the other kids, but he didn't act spoiled at me while the other kids usually tried to get our attention. He would just sit a bit farther and draw something, he understands that I have to teach his friends. He's very sincere and calm. He takes good care of Rico, he keeps him accompanied and he always helps Rico doing his homework. Ardi always participated in our programs, and he did it wholeheartedly. Before I left, we made a promise that he would not absent from school anymore and he would reach the first rank in class. I have faith in him because he's actually brilliant, he's just so lazy last year, but he wanted to change. Isn't that sweet? 💗 Sadly, on the last day, I couldn't meet him for the last time because he was so determined to go to school despite the fact that it would be the last time he spends his time with me. I'm just so proud of him. Ah, no worries... two weeks after the farewell day, I met Ardi again because I visited the village again with my friends so we got to say our farewell properly for the last time. I will cherish the time he spends with us 💗

6. BASTIAN

His full name is Bastian Saputra, and I'm the only one who called him Bastian. Bastian and Ardi is one packet for me, I love both of them the most. Bastian also loves drawing, although his drawing isn't as great as Ardi, he enjoys it. Bastian has a problem in reading, although he's already in 4th grade. He's slower in reading compared to others, that's why I focused him on learning how to read and whenever we're together, I would ask him to read any words that we found near us. Bastian is a cheerful kid, and he's already visited me in Jakarta once. He's also the one who calls me the most 😁 He loves playing more than studying, that's normal 😋 He and Ardi completed each other, and Ardi would always gladly help him. And both of them are my special sons 💗

I made a promise to them that I will visit once in a while. Hopefully, I could really make it ❤

It's not too late to say "Happy Fasting!"

Ramadhan 2013 almost reach its end. Luckily, this Ramadhan happens at the same time as my college holiday. After putting my whole self into PSM activity like no end from January to July, I'm finally taking a little rest from it. Not only because I'm in my 7th semester of college now, but I have KKN to take care of. I should pull myself away from the organization that I love. I barely come to college and spending my days home, helping with household works and stuff.

Also, Ramadhan means... a lot of Iftaar invitations, from old friends to the recent ones (haha, I didn't even make new friends this year, so anti-social), but unlike previous years, I only accepted few Iftaar invitations from my most precious people.

1. Iftaar with Maximilian

It was fun, even the friend whom I haven't met for a long time showed up. I came late though. We wrote letters to give to each other. We're probably arrogant to say this, but Maximilian is the best generation that ever exists!! 😝

2. Iftaar with childhood friends

We only meet at least once a year. Ever since we graduated from Junior High, we went to different schools, but we're still trying to always keep in touch with each other. They are the kind of friends whom I don't feel awkward with even though we haven't talked for a long time. We ordered one plate of mix toast bread with green tea and vanilla ice cream as its topping and the five of us ate it together. We wouldn't be able to finish it if we ordered one for each person. Sadly, Ema and Mara, couldn't join us this time.

Just like what Kushina Uzumaki said, "You don't need a lot of friends. Just a few, the ones you can really trust, are enough." 

Jaa, happy fasting. 

I Will Treasure You More

Sometimes things our friends do for us are beyond our expectation. Like what these people did yesterday in order to meet me. They came to my workplace although they know that it's far away from their houses and although they know they had to take quite complicated route and public transportation to get to my place. I've told them they don't need to force themselves and they still could hang out without me, but they refused. We hadn't been able to meet each other for months. The problem was me who never find some time for them, and there had been many plans that got canceled because of me 💔 I'm so sorry.

I couldn't make time for them because of my never-ending activities. I didn't know whether I was really that busy or I was just too lazy to think about which date and time I could make for them. I'm such a terrible friend, but they were so stubborn too, haha. When they finally sacrificed their time in order to meet me, I felt so happy. They said, the point is not the place, the point is we need to meet up, all of us together, to connect our silaturahim, and they'll go to my place no matter how far it is. Hahaha thank you..... 💗

Mia, Tyas, Maya... these precious friends I found at Mabit Nurul Fikri. I shouldn't forget our precious moments after all this time. Thank you for sacrificing so much for me. Thank you for cherishing this friendship. I will treasure you guys more than I ever did from now onwards. Hopefully this bond and friendship will last forever. Thank you so much for staying with me despite me being who I am all this time 💚

SIMCIT...

SIMCIT stands for Subito (Juliandi), Isaka (Me!), and Mudei (Syifa) Cita-Cita, Impian, Target. Berawal dari kelaparan yang melanda kita bertiga malam itu setelah latihan PSM, tak seperti biasanya, kita bertiga tidak ikut kawan-kawan lain yang sudah menyebar ke berbagai tujuan untuk makan malam. Saat itu gerimis, dan kita bertiga sama-sama nggak punya uang cukup untuk sekedar membeli makanan. Hanya sisa ongkos pulang ke rumah masing-masing, tapi masih terlalu pagi untuk kita bertiga pulang ke rumah, jadi kita memutuskan untuk duduk-duduk aja di Bangku Doraemon, sebuah bangku kramat milik anak-anak UKM, sambil sama-sama menahan lapar hahaha 😂

Sambil duduk, kita memikirkan berbagai hal yang mungkin kita ingin makan, diiringi dengan khayalan-khayalan gila yang kita ungkapkan satu sama lain. Seperti biasa, obrolan kita tidak pernah berisi hal yang masuk akal. Semua serba-serbi imajinasi aneh yang otaknya dari Subito, salah satu spesies manusia langka di dunia yang segala kehidupannya sering disangkutpautkan dengan Sponge Bob. Kita bertiga kebetulan cadel, dan sama-sama penasaran dengan kenikmatan Indomie Double Spesial seharga 16 ribu yang dijual di Warung Siang Malam dekat kampus itu (nggak ada hubungannya ya...). Belum pernah sekalipun kita memesan menu itu karena masalah kanker (kantong kering), paling mahal cuma pesan Indomie Single Telor, hahaha 💔

Berawal dari sebuah 'mimpi' untuk makan Indomie Double Spesial, kita bertiga memutuskan untuk menuliskan harapan dan target-target 'kecil' lainnya yang ingin kita capai ke dalam selembar kertas. Bukannya kita bertiga memang se-gank atau apa, tapi malam itu kebetulan memang cuma kita bertiga yang ada disitu, hahaha. Tentu saja, target utama kita adalah "Indomie Double Spesial!", kemudian berlanjut dengan target makanan-makanan lain yang ingin kita cicipi, dari yang harganya agak mahal sampai ke mahal banget. 

Tidak cuma makanan, kita juga bermimpi untuk bisa jalan-jalan ke berbagai tempat karena selama setahun ini kita bertiga sama-sama anggota yang terlalu aktif di PSM sampai lupa untuk jalan-jalan. Dari lokasi di dalam sampai luar negeri kita tuliskan disitu. Dari yang terbodoh sampai yang ter-hampir-nggak-mungkin-terjadi hahaha. Ternyata tulisan-tulisan itu bukan hanya tulisan asal yang kita buat atas dasar iseng, melainkan dengan sepenuh hati kita menanamkan harapan di dalamnya.

Sekarang, Gue, Subito, dan Mudei sama-sama bekerja di sebuah Cafe kecil milik senior PSM kita, Kak Lada. Nama cafe-nya adalah Kopi Kampung. Alhamdulillah, Gue dan Subito juga akan bekerjasama menjadi translator sebuah script atas tawaran dari seorang teman. Kesempatan dan peluang itu tiba-tiba berdatangan. Ya, dari mimpi-mimpi kecil itu, tiba-tiba sekarang kita bertiga memutuskan untuk mengambil kesempatan bekerja, keluar dari zona nyaman, mencari sesuatu yang baru, dan mengorbankan waktu bermain dengan kawan-kawab PSM, demi sebuah pengalaman, demi pelajaran hidup. Mana pernah kita bertiga menduga kalau kita akan berbuat sejauh ini untuk mimpi-mimpi aneh itu? Yes, miracle does exist.

I call it the power of dreams, passion, and friendship... May all our dreams, wishes, and targets come true! 😂

Ya Allah, Terimakasih

1. Atas orangtua yang begitu mendukung segala kegiatanku, dan bahkan rela berpartisipasi menjemput setiap malam, mengizinkanku menghabiskan waktu lebih banyak di luar namun setia melindungiki.

2. Atas sahabat-sahabat yang selalu.... selalu bisa menaikan mood yang jatuh, tanpa perlu diminta. Hanya dengan mereka ada saja, menjadi diri mereka apa adanya, sudah membuatku selalu terhibur. The Freaks (you know who you are without I have to mention it one by one), imajinasi liar kalian membawa gue seperti berada di dunia yang berbeda. Sumpah!

3. Atas keberadaan kakak, Abdurrachman Wisnu Mahardi yang galak, nggak pernah akur sama gue, sotoy, suka ceramah, tapi sebenarnya peduli dan baik, dan sebenarnya semua yang dia omongin itu selalu bener cuma gue gengsi aja buat ngaku. Atas segala pelajaran darinya, atas segala omelan darinya.

4. Atas keberadaan adik, Muhammad Rezananda Trimulya partner dalam segala ketidakmungkinan, saudara dan sahabat yang selalu bisa diajak melakukan hal gila, pelawak ulung keras kepala yang selalu bikin kangen. Manusia teraneh di dunia bisa dibilang, jenius dalam melawak, imajinasinya liar.

5. Atas keberadaan Papa, Roseno Basuki, yang bijaksana dan senantiasa setia menjemput semua keluarganya kemanapun, senantiasa mengingatkan akan Engkau, Ya Allah, senantiasa membagi berbagai ilmu dan senantiasa mendukung. Kesabaran tiada batas, itu pelajaran terbaik darinya

6. Atas keberadaan Mama, Adni Rachmayuni yang selalu royal pada keluarganya, yang rela melakukan apa saja demi menyenangkan keluarganya, tanpa batas terkadang, namun juga penguji mental dan kesabaran banget *kalau udah ngomel apalagi x) tapi tanpa omelan Mama, mungkin mental kita bertiga tidak akan sekuat ini, dan tidak akan sehebat ini

7. Atas keberadaan Rahma Putri Islami, Dewi Irnawati, Dhanti Dwi Ganjari, Tarwitri Nursinta Adillah, yang setia banget memelihara persahabatan SMA kita. Masa muda dihabiskan dengan melanggar aturan bersama kalian, tapi juga mengejar mimpi yang sama dengan kalian. :'D

8. Atas keberadaan Kiki Riski Ananda, Kartika, Revina Rahmawita, Yulia Ema Soraya, Dianti, Swari Asmara, sahabat kecil hingga sekarang. Begitu sulit bertemu tapi saat kita bisa ketemu, nggak ada yang berubah, tetap sama seperti kecil dulu. Kita saling memelihara persahabatan satu dan lainnya :')

9. Atas keberadaan Mabit Nurul Fikri, atas kesempatan menjadi si bodoh yang dipaksa berjuang untuk sebuat PTN, diperkenalkan pertama kali dengan organisasi dan manusia-manusia terhebat, dikenalkan dengan kepemimpinan, diberikan kesempatan untuk mencoba hal yang dirasa tak mungkin dan yang menumbuhkan impian yang tertanam hingga sekarang, "menjadi guru yang bermanfaat."

10. Atas keberadaan Zahrika Prastamia, Diah Kardini, Rusmaliah Hasanah, Mella Meida Wati, dan Wardhatul Toyyibah, manusia yang setia dengan si pemalas ini, setia membantu tugas-tugas kuliah gue yang keteteran, setia mengingatkan dan selalu ada meski gue sering asik dengan dunia sendiri. Dunia kampus gue tanpa kalia adalah lebih gloomy dari mendung akhir-akhir ini hahaha..

11. Atas keberadaan PSM UIN Jakarta, tempat gue menyalurkan gairah dalam bermusik, menemukan darah baru, menemukan keluarga yang mungkin akan sangat sulit untuk gue lepas, mengenalkan gue dengan dunia fantasi yang nyata, mengajak gue tercemplung langsung dalam berbagai kepelikan masalah organisasi yang harus dilalui, membantu gue melewati titik batas kemampuan

12. Atas Engkau, Ya Allah. Sungguh, aku takkan bisa berterimakasih tentang keberadaan orang-orang ini jika saja kau tidak menggariskan kisah hidupku untuk seperti ini. Untuk bertemu orang-orang ini. Masih banyak yang ingin kusyukuri, tapi satu post saja tidak akan cukup. Biar itu jadi rahasia kita berdua saya, Ya Allah. Terima Kasih :')

I Think I Better Shut Up

I hate being too honest with certain people. I hate how I can't control my words when I'm with them. At the end of the day, I realized that silence is gold. Being the spotlight, center of attention, I loathe them all. Knowing that you're being talked behind by people you trust, let me tell you how it feels: worst.

I couldn't came up with good phrases or words when arguing or debating with people, so I'd better shut up. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to speak up. I'm not afraid with the people, I'm afraid with the effect of the words I'm going to say. You ask me again why do I become so quiet? Hahaha 💔

I could only think it and write it down. When I'm in a forum, I decided to stay quiet, but honestly, my mind is full of a lot of things. I just don't know how to speak it out. All I can do is writing this unimportant post and hiding behind it. My melancholic side becomes strong right now and honestly I hate that part of me.

All I need to do is taking a break and meditation to refresh my heart and mind. Meeting up with some old friends will help, I guess. I'm going to be fine. Btw, I love my ansos genk so much. I feel like we understand each other about the simplest things. We almost always have the same thoughts toward things. We're maybe immature. We're naive. We have our own little world that can be understood by us only 😂

The Best Treasure

They said that highschool friends are one of those things you will treasure the most in life... I think I couldn't said it better. So, all I wanna say to these pals are words thank you. Thank you for staying with me no matter how far we've apart. Thank you for accepting my silliness, my tears, my anger, my turbulence, my uncontrollable laugh, my naivety, my indifference........  

Thank You

I'll see you guys again in another fine sunny day. We've made a promise to visit many places, to eat many interesting foods, and doing some other things together. I'll be looking forward to that time. May our laugh will remains unchanged 

The Ones I Can Always Count On

Lately, I've been feeling so down. And for these past few nights, I keep wondering about many things, crying over pointless things. My melancholic side becomes so strong when I'm alone, hahaha. This is not anybody's fault. This is happened because of my own mind, my expectation towards something. I've expected too much and got disappointed. I should have known since the very start that I couldn't rely on someone else but Allah. So, yeah, I've hurt myself.. The only one who could heal my pain is myself. But even the doctor go to another doctor when he's sick, right? To whom should I go? The answer is of course, Allah, the one and only. 

Thank God, you have surround me with many great friends. Even when I don't ask for them to come, they come, and they always be there to help me wipe my tears. Not literally, haha, but they always be there. I think they don't even realized that they have help me through my pain. They make me feel so much better when I'm in my darkest hours of my life and yet they don't know it, haha. Ya Allah, words thank you are not enough to express my gratitude towards you. I shall not expect things from anyone else but You, and there is no way I'll be disappointed. Thanks for this lessons, ya Allah. :)

La Tahzan :)

Pembicaraan gue dan Mella pagi ini sambil menuju kafe Cangkir...

"Hari ini sebenarnya gue lagi sedih banget tauk, hahaha..."

"Sedih kenapa?"

"Masalah sepele sih, cuma karena cowok doang, hehe."

Lalu gue bercerita panjang lebar tentang masalah gue itu ke Mella...

"Itu nggak sepele, kok. Gue juga sering sedih karena cowok. Manusiawi."

"Lo juga hari ini kok diem terus? Pasti lagi ada masalah juga? Coba cerita."

"Nggak apa-apa kok."

"Bohong, ayo cerita...!!"

"Nggak apa-apa, Nyokab gue cuma lagi sakit aja."

*Jleb...*

Gue langsung teringat tentang Nyokabnya Mella. Dulu, Mella pernah cerita kalau Ibunya menderita kanker payudara dan sudah cukup parah. Namun Ibunya menolak untuk ke dokter. Dia lebih memilih pengobatan alternatif. Pagi itu dan sepanjang hari setelahnya, Mella hanya merenung. Kalaupun tersenyum, terlihat sekali dipaksakannya. Gue langsung menampar diri gue sendiri, menertawakan kebodohan gue. Betapa lemahnya gue, bersedih sepanjang malam hingga pagi cuma karena masalah nafsu duniawi, sedangkan sahabat gue itu sedang berusaha tegar atas kondisi Ibunya. Gue langsung bangkit dan kembali ke pribadi gue yang biasa lagi. Gue nggak pantas untuk bersedih, apalagi mengeluh, karena cobaan ini nggak ada apa-apanya. Gue hanya perlu menengok ke sekeliling, dan gue akan menemukan banyak orang lain yang jauh lebih pantas untuk bersedih dibanding gue. Ya Allah, semoga Mella dan keluarganya diberikan kesabaran dan Ibunya diberi kesembuhan. Amin.

Alhamdulillah, kesedihan gue itu juga terobati dengan keberadaan kawan-kawan PSM hari ini: Mudei, Subito, Tira, Apis, Gisti, Gupa, Cajon, Bang Otung, and Kak Guja. They really brighten up my mood today with their silly jokes. I couldn't stop laughing 'till I went home. I should be thankful because I'm surrounded by many great friends.  I shouldn't be sad. :)

Reunion

It was three years ago when I met Mr. Wordless for the first time. At that time, I didn't even dream that we would become such a good friends. I was a fan of a movie that he was in, so I thought he was kind of unreachable since he was an actor of a big movie. I was wrong. It's been three years. I don't know how did it happened, but we are keeping contact with each other since our first meeting through internet and phone. Two years ago, I met him again in Belitung when I was travelled there. It was a short meeting though, but our friendship still continues until now. And finally, we met again today after two years. This is the first time we both together alone. We watched the Avengers (and it was soooo cool!!) and had dinner. I was kind of nervous at first because it's been a while since we met, but he was so humble and friendly, haha. I didn't expected that 😁 We talked a lot about many things. I promised him that I would treat him, but apparently it's the other way around because Mr. Wordless was the one who paid my popcorn and the food (because I ran out of money, LOL). I'll treat you next time, boi, haha. Anyway, it's funny when we look back to our history. Who would have thought that you and me will become friends? No one can expect what the future will bring to them. Nor you and me. It was a nice reunion. See you again... :)

Long Weekend

These past four days had been so much fun for me. I got to meet my friends whom I had not seen for quite a while, such as my childhood friends and my highschool friends :D 

Thursday, May 17th
I went to Cilandak Town Square with my childhood friends, Kartika and Ema along with my parents and cousin.

We got to play with my niece, Kanaya, who is only one year old. She's very cute and hyperactive. It was fun to see her running to many places by herself due to her curiosity, hehe. 

Saturday, May 19th

I went to Ancol beach with Putri and Dewi. It's been a while since I met Dewi because she goes to different college. We didn't ride our own car so we had to take Transjakarta. We didn't know that there's free bus in Ancol for those who don't bring their own transportation, so we took a walk to reach the beach. It's a long journey, but we discovered many beautiful gardens and places. We eventually reached the beach though, and it was nice to feel the sea breeze again. :)

Well, I hope you have wonderful weekend too. Jaa~