Keep it to Yourself

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

The idea that you should never tell your worries or weakness to others
The idea that you should only keep your complains to yourself because self-pity is not cool
The idea that you have to remain strong and never disturb anyone with your sad story

Honestly

Those ideas and rules really make me feel breathless. I tried my best to keep my problems to myself. I do share my worries but I tried to keep it not as transparent as possible because I know I should keep it to myself. For someone with social anxieties and abnormal mood and brain, those ideas really make me feel exhausted. I always feel like crying and telling people my problems. But I ended up putting on a flat face when something inside of me is actually exploding. It becomes terrifying at night, as I could not hold it in anymore. It becomes chaos within me, it drives me insane, and it happened every night.

Indeed, those rules somehow make me feel closer to God because I will only cry my heart out to Him. But somewhere deep down, I wish I would have at least one person to share these terrifying things and tell me that it's gonna be okay. 'Cause that's what I will do for my friends. But maybe if I never call them, they will never know if I needed them. I should never hope that somehow their 'BFF' instinct would make them aware of my condition. A simple, "You're okay today, right?" mean so much to me. I remember one friend actually ask me this and I still remember it 'til now. Simply because I remember they once cared. But I know that they also have their own problems. And the rules of 'keep your problems to yourself' should be applied here. That's why I never really call anyone 'though I'm feel like dying inside. This is not a movie where you can always depend on your bestfriend's instinct.

But still.
I wish it is.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.