Peter Pan

This year was different. I don't know, but I'm still grateful for people who wish me a happy birthday. May the same prayers go for you too :")

I don't feel the excitement of my birthday since the year started. All I wanted was to skip today. I don't know, I'm always excited about someone else's birthday, but when it comes to my own birthday, I don't want to have anything to do with it. I just want to run from it. So many indescribable feelings I couldn't put into words. 

So, why am I still writing about today? Well, to remind me that I'm still alive at the age of 22. Getting old isn't so bad, but being an adult is something I don't really enjoy. If only I have one wish that would be granted, then it would be something like meeting Peter Pan who would take me to his Neverland. Is it too much to ask? Lol... of course it is, Baka! 

Kami Semakin Tangguh!

Sebelum berakhir, ingin mengucap syukur atas apa yang telah dilewati sepanjang kepengurusan di PSM UIN Jakarta sejak Juni 2013 hingga sekarang. Pejuang Tangguh! Nama itu melekat dalam diri kita menjadi sebuah identitas untuk menghadapi segala tantangan ke depan. Semakin kuat kami berdiri, semakin tinggi angin yang menerjang, mungkin karena itulah tahun ini kami menghadapi banyak ujian dan tantangan saat menjalani organisasi yang kami sangat sayangi ini. Tapi, atas dasar memiliki mimpi yang satu, kami bertahan dan tetap melangkah maju. Terjang kami dengan angin dan badai sekencang apapun, kami tidak akan pernah berhenti berusaha mencapai tujuan kami untuk mengembangkan dan mengharumkan organisasi ini, tempat kami bertemu, tempat kami belajar, tempat kami bercita-cita. Coba robohkan kami, coba tebang kami, segala ujian dan usaha menjatuhkan itu hanya semakin menguatkan kami untuk bersatu. 

"Maxi will stand strong for one of the longest periods in PSM..."

Kata-kata dari senior yang waktu itu belum kami benar-benar anggap serius ternyata terbukti sekarang, dan bukan karena merasa spesial atau sombong, tapi pada kenyataannya, kecintaan kami pada PSM sepertinya sudah mendarah daging, ditambah adanya sebuah mimpi yang kami ingin wujudkan bersama. Saat kepengurusan ini berakhir, entah apakah gue akan kembali naik di Artistik atau tidak, gue akan tetap kembali pulang ke PSM, rumah kedua. Sebagai pengurus atau sekedar anggota, PSM sudah menjadi salah satu sumber kehidupan. Sampai bertemu di akhir Mei dan semoga berhasil untuk para pengurus baru. Tantangan baru di depan kalian, jangan pernah menyerah.

Agony

It took exactly 4 years for me to completely move on from one of the most heartbroken events in my life. Life goes on, of course. I will continue doing what I have to do, but my feeling is stuck in yesterday and I don't have enough strength to let go. I prayed for strength, I cried for emptiness, the only thing I can do is enjoying my solitude and sadness at night. I don't want to lose a good friend. Is it okay for you to lose me? Now, my brain seems to be smarter than it used to be. It remembers every little detail of the moments we spent together. Every place and thing seems to have a trace of our journey, and I always have a little broken heart every time. I knew it might not be the right time and I will eventually forget, but for now, being forced to pretend as if nothing ever happened feels like stabbing my heart with a sharp knife over and over again. I have to bear its wound, and I have to bear it alone.

Limit

I felt my feet and my heart trembling at such unexpected moments these days. I don't know how or why. Deep down, I know I shouldn't think too much about this matter. I know I have lots of works to do and I know I must be responsible for every task that's given to me. I know my heart is not in it anymore. I know people won't understand and I should never ask for their understanding. I know it very well.

I just really wish I could take a break, especially from that one activity that requires me to come all the way from my home. Not that I don't enjoy it anymore... but now, it's getting harder for me to like it the way I used to. The people, the feeling, the emotion, I keep pretending. It's easy for them to keep saying that we must do our best, but what can you do when your good isn't good enough? What can you do when you have lower emotional strength compared to others?

You know you can force yourself to be strong, but if you have some emotional issue like me, maybe what you can do is pretending, or pushing yourself to the limit. You have this fear that you don't want to disappoint anyone yet you know you can't do this anymore. Your fear and your insecurity are getting bigger and you don't know how to handle it. I just need a break, 'cause I can't take the saying, "if everyone else can do that, why can't you?" HECK! We're different people with different strengths and problems. All I need is a little time to fix myself yet I can't get that.

Life sucks so far and I have to pretend like it's not.

About Feelings

You probably mad and felt like the most miserable person yesterday
You can be the most optimistic person tomorrow
Everyone has those good and bad days, it's a circle of life
One day you can be so wise and positive about everything
The other day, all you see is darkness and you feel like dying
It's normal. It's human.
But today, I just feel calm and relax
Today, I feel loved and I love you
The simple thing can erase the storm I see inside
Thanks to you

Am I Going Mad?

Maybe... Just maybe... I do need professional help. I mean, when I get angry, sad, or feeling anxious, I'd harm myself by hitting the walls with my fist, or hit my face because I realized that the more I feel pain in my body, the less heartache I feel inside.

That isn't healthy, is it?

I don't harm myself often, but it's getting a bit more often than it used to be nowadays. I don't know if it's because I'm getting more and more insecure or because my problem is getting bigger, or maybe it's just me getting weaker.

I can't talk to anyone, even my closest friends. I no longer have people I can truly be honest with. I still cared about my best friends and I swear I will always be there for them, but the problem is, I'm afraid that if they found out my problem or the way I handle my stress, they'd freaked out.

So, it's only me and myself and my Teddy Bear and you, blog. Haha, I can't even tell you what really happens, all I can tell is I'm having trouble with myself and I don't know how to deal with it. I think I'm going mad. My insomnia is getting worse, my mind won't shut at night and I'm having flashbacks of the most terrible things every night now.

Maybe I should really stay away from everything for now.

About Happiness and A Friend

I finally have something to write in here again. 

Well, I have a best friend in High school named Dhanti. We were close, but we had to go separate ways. She went to Semarang because she got accepted to Universitas Diponegoro and I stayed in Jakarta. Since then, we rarely met each other. Even in a year, we would only meet once or twice, but it only lasted until my 4th or 5th semester. We became really busy. Let's say that we've got new companionship with new people, we've got new activities, we couldn't really find time to meet up anymore. But we still refer to each other as best friends until now.

Today, I found out that three weeks ago, her boyfriend had passed away, and I just found out now. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. I think the distance has separated us even further than I thought and none of us made enough efforts to call each other. A small conversation on Twitter doesn't count as a real conversation in my opinion. 

Today, I'm crying for the fact that I wasn't there with her at her hardest moment. Losing a boyfriend, someone who is dear to you, and it's not a breakup, you're literally losing him, forever, because he's gone, he passed away. I can imagine how hurtful it must be for her. It's like losing one of your important family members. And I just found out now, I feel like the dumbest person in the universe. I should have made more efforts to keep in touch with her. I feel like the worst friend ever. I don't think I've deserved the name called "friend".

But as much as I regretted it, it has passed. Lesson's learned: I still love her as my best friend and I always will, I shouldn't make the distance as an excuse to stop communicating with people, especially to those who are very special to me. I should have never left them behind. And I promise I'll fix this, I'll cherish her and everyone who is special to me more than ever. 

They said you shouldn't depend your happiness on other people, but I think our happiness, no matter what, is put in other people's happiness too, in a good way. I mean, I get really sad when my precious people are sad, but when I see them happy, I become happy too. This does not mean to our closest people only, but when you do something to help others, somewhere in your heart will be filled with joy. So, why don't we try to do that, start from our closest people?

We can't reverse the time, but we can create a better future, starting from now.