Rencana Allah Lebih Baik

Bu Zubaidah

Dokter Barkah dan Dokter Evy, sepasang suami isteri yang berprofesi sebagai dokter ini rencananya ingin menikmati liburan sambil Umroh tanpa harus dibebani oleh tanggung jawab dan pekerjaan mereka. Tapi, Allah SWT punya rencana lain. Kemampuan mereka sebagai Dokter tidak dibiarkan sia-sia di perjalanan Umroh ini. Dari awal perjalanan di dalam pesawat, awak pesawat sudah meminta tolong pada para Dokter ini untuk membantu penumpang yang sakit, kemudian di perjalanan Umroh, Bu Zubaidah yang memiliki penyakit asthma dan sering kambuh pun mendapat penanganan dari pasangan dokter ini dengan baik. Anggota Travel yang lain juga akhirnya mendapat perawatan yang baik dari kedua pasangan Dokter ini saat mereka sakit. Bahkan hingga perjalanan pulang di pesawat pun, saat ada seorang penumpang kapal yang terkena penyakit cacar, kembali lagi kedua dokter ini dimintai tolong untuk memberikan penanganan darurat. Rencana Allah memang lebih indah dari rencana manusia. Pasangan Dokter ini bisa menjalani ibadah secara double, tetap bermanfaat bagi orang lain, meski tidak bisa sepenuhnya liburan, tapi bayangkan berapa banyak pahala yang mereka dapatkan karena pertolongan yang mereka berikan untuk orang-orang yang sakit selama perjalanan Umroh ini. Masha Allah 💗

Prison

I never want to specifically write down what or who make me feel so much despair. Whenever I'm done pouring my feelings into a private post or locked diary, I always ended up deleting them or burning the papers. In the end, I just don't want anyone to find out what really happens. And more importantly, I don't ever want those who hurt me to the point of depressed, find out what they did to me. Because most of the time, they didn't know that they did hurt me. They didn't understand how much damage they've left in me.

They don't deserve the pain from knowing my pain. They don't deserved to be blamed for my lack of almost everything that cause them to unintentionally or accidentally hurt me. They don't deserve to feel betrayed by my feelings. Because I fell down more often than any others. I fell into darkness so much longer than anybody else. This brain of mine really does not work normally and it gets harder each day.

Don't lose hope on me, I beg of them secretly

Don't give up on me, I pray silently

Don't turn your back on me

But again, in the end, it's me who lose hope in myself. I gave up. I turn my back on people and decided to lock myself away for such a long time. I used these excuses that I need some time alone, but the truth is, I just don't know anymore. I'm so lost and then it's perfectly normal if people finally annoyed at me and give up on me for being this way. That's perfectly understandable if even those who are closest to me decided to leave me. That's because I was the first one who did that to myself.

I still learn how to embrace the things that I disliked about myself. Is that pathetic? At this age, I should have been able to settled with life. But instead, I ended up in this prison of despair created by my very own brain. How am I supposed to live life? Where are the dreams and optimism I used to have? Will I be able to reach them again someday? Will I be able to defeat this demon within me? What if someday, I really decided to give up and let the demon wins? Will there be a comrade who will save me? But, isn't it too much for someone like me to wish to be saved by others?

I need to save myself. I need to strengthen myself. There is no other way.

Dear God... please, don't give up on me

Love Yourself?

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

The thing that I hate about myself is:

I always feel like people might get annoyed with me, ever since I was a kid. Although it has something to do with some childhood terrible experiences, the trauma lives within me until now. And the worst thing is when I sensed that the person whom I used to call a good friend no longer sees me as their friend, I wouldn't dare to ask him or her why. I would just accept his/her sudden coldness towards me and decided to leave for good without properly saying goodbye or fix it.

Talking about goodbye, that's also one of the things where I'm worst at. I've cut ties with few people without words because it was simply too hurtful for me, and I left certain places without a proper parting words. I couldn't bring myself to do that like others can normally do. I have these weird feelings that people would get annoyed and they wouldn't care if I'm gone. Who am I anyway? Again, because I'm probably thinking about other people's opinion too much, I ended up ignoring them and let them think of me as careless and quiet person so I don't have to explain myself. In the end, I'm so used to it that I truly become careless of everything.

I guess if I were born as someone else, I would hate this version of me, and again, because I couldn't love myself enough, I feel like no one else would.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Jodoh atau Bodoh? Menemukan Cinta Kembali di Ada Apa dengan Cinta 2

Entah darimana harus memulai, tapi ada sesuatu di film ini yang membuat aku begitu tersentuh, padahal aku tidak fanatik sama sekali dengan film pertamanya. Tapi, sesuatu dalam film ini membuat aku menontonnya hingga 3x berturut-turut, dan masih tetap mendapatkan kesan yang mendalam setiap kali. Ada Apa dengan Film ini?

Saat Ada Apa Dengan Cinta (2002) tayang, aku masih duduk di bangku SD, dan aku baru benar-benar memahami film pertamanya setelah aku berada di bangku kuliah, dan sejujurnya, aku merasa AADC adalah kisah romansa SMA yang sangat sederhana, hanya saja kisah ini menjadi berbeda karena ada balutan puisi-puisi indah dan soundtrack yang sangat berkesan. Kisah yang agak magis sebenarnya, ketika dua pujangga dengan karakter yang jauh berbeda, saling jatuh cinta karena sama-sama menyukai puisi? And not to mention that they were only 17? Isn't that a little bit unusual? Tapi toh, hal yang tidak biasa ini malah meninggalkan kesan mendalam. 

Ada sesuatu dalam setiap karya Riri Riza yang selalu berhasil menyentuh sanubari, bahkan dari karya yang sangat sederhana sekalipun. Mungkin karena aku selalu jatuh cinta dengan kisah si introvert yang mencair oleh kehadiran seorang ekstrovert. Mungkin karena aku pun juga menyukai puisi. Dan mungkin karena chemistry Dian Sastrowardoyo dan Nicholas Saputra yang begitu natural sehingga aku tidak seperti menonton dua orang berakting. Namun, cukup berkesan saja tidak menjadikan AADC (2002) menjadi film favorit, aku akui beberapa adegan iconic-nya terus aku ulang kalau lagi iseng, seperti saat Cinta membawakan puisi Rangga di cafe, atau saat perpisahan kedua insan ini di Bandara. Lagi-lagi, Riri Riza mampu menghadirkan adegan yang sederhana menjadi terlihat luar biasa indah.

Ada Apa dengan Cinta 2

"Karena seorang Rangga, rusak move on Sebelangga..."

Aku lupa membaca komentar ini dimana, tapi ini cukup mewakilkan cerita AADC 2, in hilarious way. Film ke dua setelah 14 tahun ini pastinya diantisipasi oleh masyarakat luas yang menantikan kelanjutan kisah Rangga dan Cinta, dengan ekspektasi yang tinggi, karena itu menjadi sebuah kejutan ketika aku mendapatkan film ini dihadirkan dengan cerita yang ringan dan cara yang begitu sederhana, namun entah bagaimana, luar biasa berkesan.

Berbahaya dan sangat beresiko sebenarnya, untuk menjadikan sequel dari sebuah film fenomenal yang ditunggu banyak orang ini menjadi kisah yang sederhana, karena orang-orang mengharapkan kisah yang lebih dramatis dan lebih banyak twists menegangkan dan, kalau yang aku baca dari beberapa komentar, mereka berharap film ini bisa dibuat lebih menyedihkan. Lalu, bagaimana bisa, sebuah kesederhanaan cerita dalam film ke dua ini justru meninggalkan kesan yang mendalam? Again, it's Riri Riza's magical hands who managed to do it. I guess when he told his Laskar Pelangi fellas to go to film school to know how to make a good movie, he really mean it. Dalam karya Riri Riza dan Mira Lesmana yang merupakan lulusan Institut Kesenian Jakarta, aku selalu menemukan hal yang berbeda dan memiliki makna tersembunyi, dibanding film-film lain. Riri membuktikan bahwa dari sebuah kesederhanaan pun, kita masih tetap bisa membuat film yang bagus dan bermakna.

Puisi Rangga

Puisi masih menjadi daya tarik utama. Jaman sekarang, saat segala hal yang terlalu 'puitis' dianggap cheesy atau gombal, kata-kata sastra nan indah kembali menjadi sesuatu yang mahal di film ini. Puisi-puisi karya M. Aan Mansyur yang dibawakan dengan suara dalam dan khas Nicholas Saputra sukses membuat siapa saja yang mendengarnya merinding. Tidak hanya itu, bahkan AADC 2 benar-benar merilis buku kumpulan puisi dan foto Rangga dengan judul "Tidak Ada New York Hari Ini". Bukan hanya memajukan perfilman Indonesia, tapi juga menyumbang karya dalam dunia sastra dan mengangkat kembali keindahan kata-kata sebagai sesuatu yang membanggakan.

Pasangan Legendaris milik Indonesia

Kalau Hollywood punya Leonardo DiCaprio dan Kate Winslet, Bollywood punya Shah Rukh Khan dan Kajool, maka Indonesia punya Dian Sastrowardoyo dan Nicholas Saputra. Pasangan on screen legendaris yang memiliki chemistry nyata dan natural saat berada di satu film. 14 tahun berselang setelah film pertama, tapi karakter dan chemistry mereka tetap kuat, aku seperti tidak menonton dua orang berakting, saking naturalnya interaksi keduanya di film ini. Tidak heran kalau penonton dibuat senyum-senyum sendiri seperti Cinta yang tidak bisa menyembunyikan sumringahnya saat bersama Rangga. Tidak perlu banyak adegan romantis, keduanya mampu membuat penonton terkesima hanya dengan melihat keduanya mengobrol ngalur ngidul, tenggelam dalam kecintaan yang mereka bagi terhadap seni dan keindahan.

Konflik yang Realistis

14 tahun bukan periode yang singkat dalam fase hidup seseorang. Persahabatan SMA yang mengalami naik turun dan menjalani hidup masing-masing pun adalah hal yang lumrah sehingga ketika genk Cinta tidak mampu ada saat Karmen mengalami konflik dalam pernikahannya yang menyebabkan Karmen sempat memakai obat-obatan terlarang pun sangat dipahami.

Alasan Rangga meninggalkan Cinta banyak dinilai sebagai pengecut dan lemah, aku pun mengakui hal ini. Why didn't he try harder? Why did he give up? Tapi, mungkin, hanya orang-orang yang juga pernah mengalami titik dimana dia memutuskan untuk menyerah sebelum akhirnya bangkit lagi yang cukup mau atau bisa memahami ketakutan Rangga. Pemuda penyendiri yang dari kecil harus menerima ayahnya menjadi cemoohan orang-orang, ditinggal ibunya dan saudara-saudaranya, lalu ditinggalkan ayahnya dan harus hidup sendiri di negeri orang. Some people are lucky enough to be able to be strong all their lives, but it's not a shame when someone has to face cruel reality and became weak at one point of his life. I felt pity for Rangga and found myself teared up a bit when I found out his true reasons to leave Cinta, simply because he didn't have confidence in himself. Man, that's sad, really.

9 tahun pun bukan periode yang sebentar untuk seseorang move on dari patah hati pertamanya. Lalu, kenapa Cinta begitu lemah, hanya dengan waktu yang sangat singkat, semua perasaannya pada Rangga kembali lagi? Apa yang dilakukannya 9 tahun ini? Mungkin ini yang dinamakan jodoh, atau kebodohan. Entahlah, tapi kita semua tahu bahwa AADC memang tentang Rangga dan Cinta, maka jika kisah ini dipusatkan pada perasaan mereka, ini seharusnya bukan hal yang aneh. It took me 5 years to be completely over my first love, and I still have soft spot for him for some reasons. So, 9 years is not long enough actually. 

"Jika ada seseorang yang terlanjur menyentuh inti jantungmu

Mereka yang datang kemudian hanya mampu menyentuh kemungkinan.."

Berdamai dengan masa lalu, bukan berarti melupakan masa lalu. Ia selalu bisa menjadi pelajaran berharga. Ia bahkan bisa menjadi masa depan. Tergantung bagaimana kita menyikapinya. Karmen yang berhasil lepas dari narkoba. Rangga yang memutuskan untuk memaafkan dan berdamai dengan ibunya. Dan Cinta yang tak pernah mau kalah pada logika, namun selalu mengikuti kata hatinya pada akhirnya. 

Pesan yang sederhana. Film yang sederhana. Namun bagi saya pribadi, kesan yang ditinggalkan lebih dari sederhana. Ada sinematografi yang indah, kesenian yang unik, dan kecintaan terhadap kopi disana. Hanya beberapa nilai tambah untuk saya yang juga penikmat seni dan kopi. When it comes to phenomenal, I know I can always trust Riri Riza and Mira Lesmana.

Social Anxiety Experiences

It's been a while since I wanted to write about my social anxiety experiences and how to overcome it. Although I'm still not sure if I'm good at it. Most people don't understand how much anxiety could affect a person's life, they tend to judge social anxiety people as too shy, naturally quiet, to the point that their quietness becomes annoying. The thing that people don't know is, social anxiety is really dangerous, it could even ruin someone's life, unless they learn how to deal with it. 

I've been having social anxiety since I was a kid for as long as I can remember. I get so terrified with the new environment, my head starts imagining things that make me scared, and it takes me at least a year to really get to know a person and accept him/her into my life. But as I grow up, I realized that I need to get over this thing soon, it started ruining my life so I know I need to do something about it. So, I joined an organization in my senior year and learned to mingle with many more people. I joined Mabit Nurul Fikri and I guess it kinda worked to make me less shy and be more active in life than I had ever been before. 

I've had been doing pretty well dealing with my social anxiety until 2014, I started getting bad again and this thing hits me harder than it ever did until now. It has already messed up my life ever since. Now, in order to 'heal' myself again, I feel the need to share some of those experiences whenever I had social anxiety attacks. I wish by writing it down, I could analyze myself and the situation where I was in, and learn to overcome it if I ever bump into the same circumstances in the future.

Skipping A Lot of Classes due to Tardiness

I went to college which was quite far from my house, it takes at least 30 minutes by motorcycle if there was no traffic in Jakarta and an hour by bus. I knew I should have tried harder to get to school without being late, but anyway, I got this weird habit that I can't do my best unless it involves my passions. I never late when I had to sing in the early morning with PSM. I never late to go to any of Mabit events. But college happened to be something I don't really like. I didn't put my best effort to get to school earlier and as a result, I was late for classes pretty often.

And unlike other normal students who could just go into class after being late for at least 15 minutes, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to get into the class, especially if the teacher was already inside. I got these weird ideas that my classmates would all be staring at me when I walked in, and whispered my tardiness to the friend next to them, and talked about how I never got into any of class's events and yet still dare to be late (there is no connection between this at all but my mind can't stop being negative at that time). I couldn't help but imagine the teacher would scold me in front of the class and would yell at me. I didn't know how could I think so negatively when in real life, I know my classmates couldn't care less about my tardiness, given the fact that I didn't really talk a lot with any of them, they would probably ignore me when I walked in. But still, whenever I got late into class, I couldn't get myself in, all I did was standing in front of the class, let my mind threaten me with its horror imagination about my classmates and teacher, and in the end, I would end up waiting there in front of the door, hoping someone would be late as well so I could go into class with him/her. At least, I won't be scolded alone.

It was always my own thoughts that scared me to death. I was once being thrown out of class because I was late, and ever since then, I had this funny feeling that that teacher hated me and would remember me as a bad student, and I felt like all teachers would treat me the same if I ever got late into class again. This is surely only happened in my mind. Later, I learned that it was not as bad as I thought. I learned that my teacher was just in bad mood that day and he greeted me casually the next day we met. I always learned that my classmates aren't as terrible as I thought, since they still give me their helping hands when we had exams (if you know what I mean 😆), and every terrible thing only exists in my brain. 

But if you have social anxiety, these things keep coming to you and you can't help it. The thing you can do best is trying really... really hard to remind yourself that it won't be as bad as you expected. It is truly much easier when I had a good friend who understands my condition so well, they made it much easier for me to carry on with my college life. I really need to thank them for those encouragements, I needed them most at that time. I guess without them, I wouldn't be able to finish my college or get into any classes. I mean it. They are so precious.

On the bright side, I became more aware of other people who seem to have social anxiety as well. It's not something that you can recognize so easily, it's something that needs depth understanding, and the willingness from the other party to learn about a person's anxiety. It was always in our brain, and we're the only ones who can fight it. We have to fight our demon everyday but with a friend besides us, it makes it easier. For people with social anxiety, even just one simple kindness could give enormous power to us. Maybe that's why the Prophet SAW said that a smile counts as a form of worship and charity. Because that one simple act of kindness really helps us a lot.

Thank you for reading

A Letter For A Bestfriend

Things have changed between us
We're no longer laughed together
We don't call each other anymore
I don't even know what are you to me now?
Or what am I to you now?

Maybe it was my decision to leave you
Maybe I'm just being selfish
Maybe I should be more forgiving
Maybe I should be more understanding

But you don't even try to hold me from leaving
You don't even try to call me and ask, "what's wrong?"
You are fine with my absence
You still laugh the same way 'though it's not with me

I wish I could turn back time
I wish I could save you from your mistakes
I wish I could protect you from your sins
I wish I could be there when you needed me

But, aren't we all sinners?
Who am I judging you from your mistakes?
I made mistakes too
So, why can't I just forgive you for yours?

Maybe I'm just being selfish again
Maybe because you never ask for it
Maybe I'm just not a good person
Or maybe... you just don't want to be saved

Getting Worse

I found myself in the darkest moment ever lately. Almost as terrible as my 2014, and seems like it's getting even worse. I found myself shutting down other people and walking even further away from anyone else. I suffered from a terrible heartache each day, the wound seems to be growing severe and I completely have no idea how to heal it.

I become a bad person, in and outside. I felt irritated all the time and couldn't help but be annoyed by everyone's existence. But at the same time, I know it's not right. It's like my soul is being ripped apart into two different personalities. And now I often hear these two fightings inside of me, telling me what's right and what's not from their own perspectives (this is kinda confusing since they are the voices within me, so they are basically my own perspectives, but you know what I mean!)

For example, when I'm annoyed by my friend's joke, two of my personalities will fight to decide:

BAD: She is so annoying, how can she joke about something that sensitive?

GOOD: Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it to offend anyone, and no one gets hurt by her joke so why do you even care?

BAD: What? No, it's not right to joke out of something like that? Didn't she know it crossed the line and you never know if it hurts anyone?

GOOD: But I'm sure everyone is mature enough to understand her true meaning is just to entertain others.

BAD: Well that's not very entertaining for me, stop acting like you're not bothered by it.

GOOD: Well that's your problem!

BAD: Shut up!

GOOD: YOU SHUT UP!

And it goes on inside of my head, lately, it's happening all the time. And usually, when that happens, I decided to be quiet, and even when my anger is building up, I keep it inside, 'til I unconsciously hitting my hand, or my face, and when I finally speak to very few people whom I trust enough to see the darkest part of me, I would say a lot of bad things, not to them, but mainly about what I'm feeling, and when I finally get to my sense, I'd feel bad for them for listening to my rants which totally have nothing to do with them and even probably annoyed them.

It's like I'm surrounded by dementors every day and I have no happiness left to conjure strong Patronus to protect myself from it.