Being an Adult with all its problems...

I wish I never knew how expensive to afford living. All those payments we need to pay monthly for the rest of our lives, the cost of those foods. And with such minimum incomes... I started to understand why people questioning whether life is worthy for all these efforts just to stay alive. What do we gain from trying to pay for all these other than to avoid death? Death seems like an easier option, if I were not a Muslim, I'd probably choose that route. 

I understand why relationship could change because of economic problems. You really don't eat LOVE to stay alive. Parents who become depressed because they don't have enough to feed the whole family, I felt that now even though I'm not a parent, but responsibility for the whole family simply falls on me now. I can't really ask anyone for help because as I grow older, I realized that all of those I know also carry this burden, even sometimes, harder and heavier than me.

I want to find a purpose for living, but I barely managed to pass each day. When I read my blogs from 10 years ago, I was this young kid full of passions and dreams. I wonder where did she go. Why can't I believe in myself? I wonder if I really don't have desire for all those expensive things or did I choose to stop myself from wanting it cause I know they are hard to gain? Maybe deep down I know the answer, but the fear to confront what I really feel make me hate myself so much. I'm 30 now, and I still learn very slowly to love myself apparently. 

I want to change. Please... self, do something!

Going 30, Being Alone, or With Someone?

 It feels like the world keeps on moving, my days keep going like usual, I'm as busy as everyone else. I will be 30 this year, which shocks me because I started writing on this blog when I was still in high school. In this blog, I used to pour everything I felt, from sadness to happiness to what I love and hate. But as I grow older, I kinda stop myself from doing that. The fear of troubling anyone who read this blog if they read my nonsense sadness and the realization that I am no longer a kid, so I should stop sharing everything I feel here, is one of the reasons I stopped. It's funny... I don't think I've changed. I just learned to shut my feeling up. To stop making a big deal of everything. To stop being dramatic. I keep telling myself that I'm no longer at the age where I can pour my feelings and complaints on social media, including this blog, even though I doubt that anyone ever read this blog anymore. 

My life so far is fine. I gained like 5kg within 6 months, which makes me feel healthier than I used to be. I do things at my own pace. Nothing goes awfully wrong or things like that. So, I keep wondering what this emptiness I'm feeling is? Why haven't I changed? Is it the pressure of marriage, of having someone, that comes from my surroundings, that makes me feel like I may want a life partner? Or is it my real desire to have one?

I've always been fine being by myself. I've been sleeping in my bedroom alone for so long, the thought of having a life partner and sharing a bed with them is kinda scary to me, but at the same time, there are times when I also long to have what those happy-looking married couples have. But I don't even trust myself with such commitment or believe that I deserved that. Over the years, my trust in men has kept decreasing. I don't really like men. Only a few men I met in real life are actually kind and decent, but most of the men I ever encountered left me traumatized and scarred. It makes me scared to think that I should spend the rest of my life with one, but at the same time, I also long for that feeling of being cherished. Being together. Is it my true feeling to want to have someone, or is it because of the pressure from my surrounding who seem happy when they married, and the society who thinks unmarried women are not decent? I have all these worries in mind, yet I also don't feel like I can't survive without one. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just want to let my feeling out for once.  Maybe I will delete this post later when I already feel better. 

Anyway, it's good to be back and write some of my thoughts here. I miss it. Maybe I should make it regularly without caring for someone judging my life or my thoughts anymore. We're adults anyway. We don't care about anyone else. Just being able to survive another repetitive day is already an accomplishment, don't you think?

Oh God... I'm so bored.

Two Polar Opposites in Love and Passions that Makes You Believe in Love Again - Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte (J-Drama)

Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte | There's a Reason for the Love I'm Wearing

Hello... It's been a while (a few years to be exact) since the last time I watched J-Drama... I think the last time I watched a Japanese drama was around 3 years ago and after that... I'm not sure what I have been watching or enjoying during the time of my hiatus from J-Drama. Maybe I was more into anime and Thai series during that period of time. And since my work at the office has been quite loose lately, I have some free time to watch 1 or 2 episodes of a series per day, and I randomly picked Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte or Kikazaru Koi for short, to try watching because I always love Kawaguchi Haruna's acting, and although I have never watched any of Yohokama Ryusei's dramas before, his face is really familiar and got me curious. After I finished watching it, it turns out to exceed my expectation. Let's say I thought I'd rate this drama 8/10 at most, but it turns out to be 10/10. This drama tells a story of two main leads with polar opposite personalities as well as completely different principles and values from each other. How? Oke, let's talk about it~

GIF by grrrlsoverdramas on Tumblr

Mashiba Kurumi (Kawaguchi Haruna), our heroine for Kikazaru Koi is career women with tremendous works to do, super-busy women, a perfectionist, determined, and her life always revolve around gadgets, cellphone, and social media because of her profession as Public Relation Officer in el Arco Iris, a company engaged in interior design and interior shop. To help in promoting goods and stuffs produced and sold by her company, Mashiba uses her personal Instagram to share interesting collections and stuffs that she likes, and it's not limited to fashion, she also shares some unique goods, decorations, and things related to interior design. After 5 years of diligently posting and creating beautiful content in her personal IG, Mashiba reaches 100k followers which made her being recognized as a social media influencer. Mashiba is known for her good taste in many things and she aims to become a Buyer in the future just like her Boss whom she's been admiring (read: secretly in love with) since a long time ago. Mashiba also really enjoys and loves her work. However, there is something she really wants to do besides her work and that is to explore the world to look for beautiful and unique things to collect and share with the world.

"While thinking of that someday, I am chased by miscellaneous things. The truth is that I want to go and see the stuff that I find nice." - Mashiba Kurumi

Some useful tips I gathered from Mashiba's profession to help to increase our social media engagement are: post an IG (Instagram) Story or an IG post at least 3 times a day, during 6 to 8 AM commuting time when people are mostly going to work, during lunchtime at 12 AM to 1 PM, and during golden hours at 7 PM to 10 PM when people are returning home. Mashiba even has an alarm for a reminder to do all of those social media activities and now I kinda follow her steps by setting an alarm to post on my friend's fashion brand's social media which I help to manage. The alarm is really useful for my forgetful self.

Kawaguchi Haruna as Mashiba always wears so many beautiful outfits which makes me want to shop for new clothes so I could go to work in my level 10 and have my wardrobe filled with my favorite things too. And her portrayal as Mashiba is so good here. I guess this is by far my favorite role from her.

GIF by movielosophy on Tumblr

Fujino Shun (Yokohama Ryusei), the total opposite of Mashiba who is glued to her gadget and cellphone, it's been a few years since the last time Shun stopped using his cellphone. When most people nowadays mostly have their eyes glued to their cellphone in the bust or commuter line or wherever they are, Shun prefers to enjoy the scenery and everything around him and talking with strangers he met on his way. Shun manages a food truck named Fuji Bal all by himself. Shun is a professional chef specially for Spanish Cuisines, but due to some things in the past, he stopped working as a professional chef and decided to start and manage an independent business through his food truck where he can travel to many places and serve the foods to many people as free as he wants. Shun is a free soul, he doesn't like being tied to rules or values which doesn't suit him and he doesn't care about other people's opinion. Those who see Shun from the outside will think that Shun enjoys his life to the fullest with his carefree self, but the truth is, Shun has many regrets from the past which he still unable to let go of until now.

"No matter how depressed you get about the outside world... Even if things don't go the way you want it to, it will be fine as long as you have all this. The sky, water, and air..." - Fujino Shun

This is the first time I watched Yokohama Ryusei and he's already impressed me a lot. I really like his portrayal as Shun who is so cheerful, extrovert, and bubbly, while Ryusei himself is a total introvert who's very quiet in real life. His switch from Ryusei to Shun is amazing, he looks so natural. Will totally check more of Yokohama Ryusei's dramas in the future!

Mashiba's room and Shun's room

When a perfectionist social media influencer and a simple minimalist meet and live together...

One of the most interesting things from this drama is seeing how opposite the values that Mashiba and Shun hold. This becomes so clear when destiny decided to make these two live together under the same roof of a Share House owned by their friend, Kouko-san, a middle-aged woman who lives with only her dog, Kouji. Let's elaborate it a little bit:

💄 Mashiba's room is full of pretty clothes and things she collects. If she likes something, she will immediately buy it and share it on her social media.

👓 Shun only has a few clothes and two chairs in his room. He's a minimalist who only keeps the things he treasures the most and never wants to get attached to something.

💄 Mashiba has to prepare her look and nails for hours after she got home and before she's going to work. Mashiba says that she has to be on LEVEL 10 when she goes outside no matter for what occasion. She must always look presentable.

👓 Shun doesn't care about appearance or anyone's opinion about him. His working outfit and his stay-at-home outfit are the same, no matter what occasion it is. 

💄 Mashiba is all about perfect planning and preparation. When she does something, she put all of her best effort into it.

👓 Shun is all about spontaneous action and go with the flow type of person.

💄 Due to her work as a social media influencer and managing the company's social media, Mashiba always feels that she always has to be ready 24/7 to work even during her off days.

👓 Shun doesn't want his resting time being disturbed by his work. He separates his on and off days.

There are still many things I'd like to list, to be honest, but those are pretty much sum up how the heaven and earth differences that Mashiba and Shun possessed cause them to bicker and fight in the beginning.... because the values and principles they hold are very different from each other. What I really love about Kikazaru Koi is how those differences didn't make the couple have never-ending misunderstandings, Mashiba and Shun instead keep learning to understand and to respect each other because they actually communicated in a healthy way (yes guys, communication actually works... can you believe that? 😭), they explain to each other every time they face problems or have a different opinion until they both reach mutual understanding. For example, when Mashiba doesn't force Shun to use his cellphone again and only suggest him why she would like him to use it sometimes when they cannot meet in person, and although in the beginning, Shun said he doesn't want to be tied by any social rules or things like that, in the end, he decided to use his cellphone again because he wants to communicate with those who are precious for him.

GIF by seawherethesunsets on Tumblr

Mashiba and Shun learn to understand that principles and values they hold, even when they're different, they are what's best for them as an individual, then they also learn to adapt and share each other's values when they learn that it's useful for their growth. For example, Mashiba learns to separate her work hours and her resting time, that it is okay for her sometimes to let loose and be casual sometimes when she's tired, and to enjoy the things around her and doing a social media detox when she needs it sometimes.

Shun also learns that it isn't a bad thing if we sometimes are mindful of other people's opinion and feelings, especially those things can be useful and help his growth and come from those who love him and cared for him. Shun also start to be braver and taking more challenges to improve himself and face his past regrets and mistakes head-on after he saw how Mashiba never gives up and always gives her 100% effort in everything, of course, Shun adapted some of Mashiba's values without losing the core of his own values and personality who still loves freedom above anything else. 

Amazing development both in characters and relationship between each character 

Another thing that I really love from Kikazaru Koi is how every character plays a significant role, how everyone has their own imperfection as well as their own strength in such a realistic way, and how everyone has an amazing character growth without losing their own values as well. 

They have satisfying development in term of relationship between each character as well... in the beginning, despite living in the same Share House, they all are such individual people, only think of themselves and mind their own business, then slowly they start to open up to each other and care of each other and eventually become a strong support system for each other. The growth in their relationship is also shown in such a realistic way, it wasn't being rushed, it makes us feel like we are also being drawn into their growing friendship that keeps getting stronger and stronger in every episode.

Their individual worries and struggles as 27+ yo adults and older is something that I can truly relate to. Surprisingly... I feel like I can understand all of them, or I can see a bit of myself in each of them. So, when I watch how they slowly overcoming those worries and struggles, it feels like I'm getting a warm hug from them too.

Special Mention and Appreciation to the 2nd Male Lead

Mashiba Kurumi's 1st love and someone he looks up to, President Hayama Shogo (Osamu Mukai) has such a powerful presence in the series, not in a love rival kind of way that makes you hate him... but he actually makes you feel inspired. More than Shun's rival or Mashiba's 1st love, Hayama Shogo is more like a teacher for everyone and becomes the key that opens up the door of courage for Mashiba and everyone around him to start doing what they love. His adventurous and spontaneous soul is very similar to Shun, while his persistence and love for beautiful and unique products and things and his dream to support creators are similar to  Mashiba... He's always on his journey to find new treasures. Of course, there are things he has to sacrifice too but he lives his life to the fullest, finding the things he loves. Hayama also put important values in the company he leads and the things he sells... like how he wants to keep supporting eco-friendly products, how to help the original creator, and to put meaning in the things he sells and shares... these are the things that Mashiba learns from him and helps Mashiba to reach to this point of success. 

"If you only want to do things when that someday comes, such someday will not come. I only have now to do it!" - Hayama Shogo
___

GIF by maggiezw2 on Tumblr

With such a powerful 2nd male lead, don't worry... Mashiba and Shun are also powerful as individuals and as couples and Kawaguchi Haruna and Yokohama Ryusei really have amazingly natural chemistry when portraying them. Sure, they both have their imperfection and strength too, and the heaven and earth differences that they both have may seem like something that will not work out in a relationship,  but you know what makes Kakazaru Koi amazing? These two actually work for their relationship and communication and for each other. Even when they probably couldn't understand the problem that they face in their job because they are in different fields of work, or when they can't understand the different values they have and why those things could make them feel worthless or sad, they are trying to cheer each other up every time with real action. Both of them are doing their best to reach their best potential for their own happiness so they will be able to stand by each other's side. Every episode always makes me feel like I'm getting the warmest hug... It's really one of the best things I've watched in a while and I feel like I will go back to this drama whenever I feel down. So many amazing lessons in each episode which you can relate and make you feel like you're getting a gentle push in the back when you feel down. I'd recommend Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte to everyone I know for real... Jk. 

But seriously, give Kikazaru Koi a try and I promise it will be worthy of your time. The colors are so pretty, the foods, the fashion, the paintings, and things that Mashiba collects and shares in the drama are pretty too, and she makes it seem like making a pretty IG Story is fun. Mashiba and Shun have one of the most natural interactions and chemistry I've seen in Jdramas or any dramas. It's really nice to watch them in love and make me feel single but I'm okay with that. I'll let their romance and love fill the void inside my heart 😭

GIF by seawherethesunsets on Tumblr

I hope you enjoy this longer-than-originally-planned review. Have a nice day and let's wish we will find our own Mashiba or Shun in our lives ❤

2021... Hello~

2021

Oh wow... I only wrote one post last year and it's my farewell post for Wicak 😢 It has been a year already since he passed away. I hope you are resting in peace and happiness, there, my friend!

So, how about me? Well, nothing much has changed except that this year, I finally stepped out of my hikikomori life. I got a job, a real one which required me to go outside of my house and be in the office from 8 AM to 5 PM. It was one of the biggest decisions I made and I am grateful that at this age, I still got the opportunity to work. Although it was super hard to get used to the new environment and new people due to my anxiety, I even had mild depression during the first month I started working which I tried so hard to hide, but I think I get better little by little. My new colleague is one of the kindest persons I've met and she's a Taurus like me, and we happened to graduate from the same uni. She is one year older than me and another funny coincidence is, she was a classmate of my ex-boyfriend. The world is small indeed 😂

As we all already know, in 2020, the world has to face and still continue to face the pandemic of covid-19 to this day. I'm genuinely grateful that I still get the opportunity to work amid this pandemic. Allah is so kind to me and I'm not sure if I deserved it or not. I just want to support my family, that's all.

What else? Ah right... My big brother got married this year as well so I finally got a sister after being the only daughter between two sons for 29 years. And my sister-in-law is super kind and very friendly too, she is like the total opposite of my brother lol. I mean, my brother is friendly but my sister-in-law is on another level of friendly 😂

To be honest, I'm still not sure what I want to aim for in life. What is my goal exactly? I just know that once my brother married, then I should be ready to take care of my family fully. Of course my brother still helps from time to time, but both me and my mom agree not to bother him with things at home as much as we can. So that's what pushed me to finally stop my hikikomori life and start living a better life. I don't know if I'm doing any better though. I have a fixed income each month now and that's good, but this is a contract job so I will eventually have to look for a new job again sometime in the future like a year or 4 years from now (if the contract got extended). I know it's still a long way to go but I can't help but think about it. Oh well... Let's just try to save as much money as we can until the day comes and worry about it later. 

I hope this pandemic will be over and the world will be healed soon. Take care of yourself, wear a mask and carry hand sanitizer everywhere you go, be careful and be mindful of everything to make sure that you or the people you love will be safe from this virus. Stay safe 💗

PS: I changed my blog username after years. I like my name a lot so I kinda want to put it in everything I have now hehe. 

Wicak

We met in 2014 when I was suddenly dragged into this so-called weird family by our multitalented best friend, Bayu. Since then, we can no longer count how many times we hang out together. There were some years where my days were only filled with you and our group of friends. We really thought to ourselves that we are the most talented group of friends ever exists. Just like what Sheila on 7 said, "The arrogance in our beautiful youth..."

It was in May 2014, our first hangout at Kota Tua, I didn't know you that well back then. You were just one of my juniors that I didn't bother to remember at that time. I only went along because Bayu dragged me to join you guys. I remember you asked me to take a picture with you because it's a rare chance to hang out with a senior, especially a cantora. In your mind, cantora or anything related to the Department of Artistic is awesome, right? 😂

Anyway, we took one picture together. It was our first ever photo, I think. 

Who would have thought that after that, we would have countless pictures together and become closer than ever? You become one of the few people I felt closest to. 

I know 2020 will be a bad year for all of us, but I never expect it would be this bad for me and all of us. We lose our best friend. We lose you. I still feel it's so unreal. It's like you're not really gone and just went somewhere far away and someday we will meet again and laugh at our stupid memories. Except for this time, you won't return. You're already in a better place. You left us in such a beautiful month, in Ramadan. I believe it's because Allah loves you more. You've been such a good son and a good friend to us. In our last meeting a few months ago, you insisted that we should stay and chatted longer. You told us to cancel our online transportation order so we could chat longer. You said you would take the responsibility and took us home in your car. We ended up chatting until the restaurant closed. And you really did drove us home.

Your mother told us how happy you were on that day at our last meeting together. You told your mother all about it. Your mother remembers our names because you always told her how happy you were whenever you had the chance to meet us. And I'm still filled with regrets that I didn't reach out to you sooner. I wish I got to tell you that things will be okay every day until your last day and not just that day. I miss you a lot. You know well that I'm not good with people. I don't have many friends, so those who are able to climb the walls I built become so important to me, including you. 

Thank you for the beautiful memories. I miss you a lot, Cak. I never lose a best friend before. I don't know how long this emptiness will last. But I wish my prayer reach you. Thank you for your friendship. I will cherish it forever.

Broken Again

It is really scary... getting older. I thought I don't mind being alone and stay in my own world, but seeing so many of my friends finally get married and live what seems to be a wonderful marriage life makes me longing for someone too. I know better than anyone that getting married doesn't guarantee happiness. I'm the witness of a broken marriage, and yet I'm still longing for someone. I'm just getting more afraid to be alone, but I also don't want just anybody to keep me company.

And that's why I let myself get carried away with those kinds of feelings, knowing full well that maybe his company was only pity and kindness, not because I'm special or something. I know that really well, yet I'm still holding on to some hopes. That's why it's painful when I want to be near him, or hoping he will notice my loneliness and talk to me like always, he didn't. I'm reminded again that it was all mere kindness. He can't always be there for me. And I don't deserve any of those things after I pushed people away because of my own self-pity. 

I know that I need to change something about my anxiety, I should put more efforts, but I've built walls so thick around me, I'm afraid of getting my heart broken so I protected it, and yet I still got my heart broken again. I know my weaknesses and it is my own fault for being too afraid to change it. I won't burden anyone too much. I can't handle myself, how could I expect that someone else would? I'm already broken from the beginning, I always am broken inside and I shouldn't expect anyone to fix me.

Tuberculosis and Me

Seumur hidup, gue pernah beberapa kali mengalami penyakit yang bisa dibilang cukup parah. Tahun 2014, gue mengalami pembekuan darah merah dimana hal itu membuat gue kesulitan untuk bergerak dan selalu merasakan sakit di seluruh tubuh jika tersentuh sedikit aja oleh orang lain. Hal itu berlangsung selama beberapa bulan, udah pergi ke Dokter dan Laboratorium, nggak juga mendapatkan penyembuhan. Akhirnya pergi ke Alternatif dan seluruh tubuh gue disabet pake sapu lidi kecil. Kata Ustadnya sih menyabetnya pelan, tapi karena darah gue membeku, gue merasakan sakit yang luar biasa di seluruh tubuh gue. Selama dua jam lebih gue disabet dan gue nangis karena menahan rasa sakit, lalu setelah selesai, gue dikasih jamu dan beberapa bagian tubuh gue dibungkus pake plastik dengan sangat rapat. Nggak boleh dibuka hingga besok katanya. Besoknya setelah gue bangun tidur, plastik itu udah berubah warna dan menampung cairan berwarna merah pekat. Ternyata itu darah kotor yang membeku. Setelah itu, alhamdulillah tubuh gue kembali sehat dan bisa beraktivitas normal.

Tahun 2019 ini, gue kembali diuji dengan penyakit parah. Tubuh gue terdiagnosis terkena virus Tuberculosis atau yang lebih orang kenal dengan TBC. Penyakit ini mematikan karena membuat penderitanya menjadi sangat lemah dan pelan-pelan mereka nggak akan mampu melakukan apapun, lalu meninggal. Penyakit ini juga sangat mudah menular melalui batuk, bersin, dan berbicara karena dia ditularkan melalui dahak dan udara. Oleh karena itulah, banyak yang memiliki stigma negatif tentang pasien TBC dan malah menjauhi mereka karena takut akan tertular. Apalagi Indonesia menempati urutan ke-2 di dunia yang memiliki penyakit TBC. (Source: Kompas.com).

Sebelum resmi terdiagnosis TBC, gue memang mengalami tubuh menjadi sangat lemas. Gue bahkan nggak sanggup melakukan pekerjaan rumah seperti beres-beres saking lemasnya. Anehnya, meski makan sedikit karena selalu mual dan kadang muntah setelahnya, tingkat BAB (Buang Air Besar) gue justru bertambah, bisa 3x sehari dan bentuknya encer. Berat badan turun drastis dari 48 kg jadi 39 kg. Kata Mama, mata gue jadi cekung ke dalam saking kurusnya. Nafsu makan yang menurun ini berlangsung selama beberapa bulan, ditambah batuk yang gue diamkan meski tambah parah hingga sebulan lebih. Emang gitu anaknya.... suka menantang penyakit, sok kuat, merasa bahwa batuknya akan sembuh sendiri asal makan banyak dan nggak mau buang-buang uang (padahal nggak punya uang wkwk). 

Setelah 3 malam berturut-turut, gue mengalami batuk yang parah dan sulit berhenti, tubuh gue menjadi amat sangat lemas, gue akhirnya memutuskan berangkat ke Puskesmas untuk berobat. Diagnosis awal Dokter adalah infeksi Paru-Paru, lalu setelah menjalani tes dahak dan tes darah, tiga hari kemudian gue pun resmi terdiagnosis TBC. 

Mama yang menemani sepanjang proses pengobatan adalah yang paling panik dan overdramatik ketika mendengar diagnosis Dokter. Beliau ingat kalau dulu salah satu Asisten Rumah Tangga-nya juga pernah terkena TBC dan harus disuntik setiap hari, dan seluruh peralatan makannya harus dipisah. Gue dimarahi karena beliau sebenarnya merasa frustasi dan bersalah karena merasa gara-gara dia nggak merawat gue dengan baik, gue jadi sakit parah. Mama bahkan sempat merasa bahwa gara-gara kecerobohannya dia sehingga gue terlahir prematur, maka daya tahan tubuh gue jadi melemah. Tapi karena rasa sedih, frustasi, dan bersalah yang besar dalam waktu yang tiba-tiba itu, Mama jadi memarahi gue dalam kesedihannya sambil meyakinkan gue di saat yang bersamaan bahwa dia akan berusaha merawat gue hingga sembuh apapun caranya dan berapapun harganya. Jadi, Mama itu marah tapi sayang, dan gue jadi antara sedih dan senang menerima amarahnya, hehe.

Dokter TBC yang menangani gue bernama Reza. Dokter Reza menjelaskan bahwa tipe TBC (?) yang gue derita belum kronis, belum cukup parah dan gue masih bisa melakukan rawat jalan di rumah. Dokter Reza juga menegaskan kalau gue nggak perlu memisahkan peralatan makan selama dicuci bersih setelah digunakan. Penyakit TBC ini juga bukan dikarenakan seorang anak terlahir prematur, jadi Mama nggak perlu menyalahkan dirinya. Gue juga meyakinkan Mama bahwa daya tahan tubuh gue menurun memang karena kesalahan gue sendiri yang tidak cukup disiplin dalam menjaga gaya hidup. Makan sehari sekali, ngopi 3 kali, tidur pagi, nggak pernah olahraga, minum es mulu pula, hal-hal yang sudah seharusnya dapat gue kendalikan sebagai orang dewasa, jadi penyakit gue ini bukan karena Mama lalai dalam merawat gue, tapi gue sendiri yang acuh pada kesehatan. I think it is safe to say that I deserved this illness.

Alhamdulillah, pengobatan pasien TBC di Indonesia itu digratiskan oleh Pemerintah, jadi gue yang tidak punya BPJS ini hanya perlu membayar biaya tes laboratorium dan pengobatan awal. Pengobatan dan kontrol selanjutnya bebas biaya. Gue wajib minum 3 tablet merah khusus pasien TBC sekali sehari dan tidak boleh putus selama 2 bulan di jam yang sama. Waktu Ramadan, gue wajib meminumnya jam 2.30 pagi, lalu setelah Ramadan selesai, jadwal minum obat gue diubah menjadi jam 6 pagi. Kalau sampai satu hari aja kelewatan meminum 3 obat itu, gue harus memulai pengobatan dari awal dan kemungkinan akan berefek lebih parah di tubuh, dan mungkin gue harus disuntik setiap hari di Rumah Sakit, jadi gue berusaha keras mendisiplinkan diri untuk telaten minum obatnya, meski agak berat dikarenakan insomnia gue yang parah sih. Kadang kalau jam 3 pagi belum bisa tidur, gue akan panik takut kesiangan untuk bangun minum obat. Akhirnya gue berkorban nggak tidur aja sampai jam 6 pagi.

Sejak memulai pengobatan, lemas di tubuh gue jauh berkurang dan nafsu makan gue bertambah. Mama juga sangat luar biasa, beliau rela beli daging dan ayam yang mahal demi gue bisa makan sehat dan sesuai selera sesuai saran Dokter, padahal gue tahu keuangan keluarga sedang kurang baik, tapi Mama rela melakukan apapun agar anak-anaknya makan enak dan sehat. Berat badan gue pun naik 4 kg dalam 2 minggu dan hal itu memotivasi gue untuk makan banyak agar bisa mendapatkan berat badan normal lagi. She is my greatest support system during this illness indeed.

Penyakit ini juga membuat gue jauh lebih positif dan nggak mudah stress, anehnya gue sangat berusaha mendoktrin diri gue untuk tidak mudah ke-trigger stress kayak dulu-dulu karena gue ingin hidup dengan baik. Gue sudah merasa menjadi beban yang berat bagi keluarga dan gue nggak mau memperparah penyakit gue dengan stress dan depresi, jadi apapun keadaannya, gue harus bahagia. Wah, ternyata udah panjang banget tulisannya. Saking lamanya nggak nulis, entah kenapa ada banyak hal yang ingin disampaikan. Gue merasa menjalani hidup sebagai penderita TBC adalah salah satu fase penting yang harus gue abadikan untuk pelajaran di masa depan. Siapapun yang rela membaca ini hingga habis, terima kasih banyak dan mohon doa terbaiknya agar gue kuat menghadapi penyakit ini dan menuntaskan pengobatan hingga 6 bulan ke depan.