Breathless

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Even until now, the words that you spoke to me still gave me heartache, and I don't know when will I be able to recover from this heartbreak. You, the one whom I trust and love the most, could said those hurtful things to me. Even when you saw me cried, you didn't stop. You kept saying as if I'm the worst human that ever been born in this earth. You made me feel worthless, you made me believe that maybe... my existence was just disappointment for everyone.

For you, I will never be good enough... I will never lift up to your expectation, I will make you disappointed again, no matter how much I've tried to be good enough.

I swear I cried in my prayer and the only thing I asked is for Him to take me away from this world. To free me from this pain. If my existence will only make you feel miserable, there is no point for me living in this world. I know I have no choice but to forgive you. But I wish my heart will easily heal itself. Sadly, it doesn't. Now, I'm feel like living in the emptiness. I'm still doing what I must to do, but my heart keeps aching all the time. It cries in silence.You mught have forgotten what you said to me in a blink of an eye, but for me, those words keep ringing in my ears all the time. I'm feel worthless all over again...

I don't want to feel that way. I beg for God to make me become for forgiving. I beg for God to give me amnesia. I beg for God to make me stronger.

But only this time, I'm feel like it's all useless. I'm so breathless. I want to end my life.

The only thing that keeps me away from committing these acts, is because I remember that it would be sinful to commit suicide. If I don't have Islam, I might would have killed myself last night.

...................................

I wish this wounds will be healed somehow.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.