Secret

For this one matter, I will keep it as my secret
For this feeling, let it be my own treasure
For the first time, I can't share it to anyone
Because you are just that precious
And I'm too afraid of their judgment

I swear I will let you lay on me forever
I will shoulder all of your sadness and fears
I will never leave you
But let it be my secret, you don't have to know
I just want you to feel that you will never be alone

This is my way to show how grateful I am
For all the laugh that you give to me when I can't even smile
You don't know how much that means
To find a reason to smile while fighting my own demon inside
Thank you

I'm just like them, longing for you
Just like them, I adored you
But unlike them, my feeling is true
And I don't need you to give it back to me
I just want to make sure that you will always have a friend

And that's what makes me different from them
Because I will cherish you
And even without me, I want you to be happy
So, I keep your name in my prayers
And ask for God to take care of you

Let it be my secret
For my feeling and for your existence in my life
Let it just be my secret

I Just Want You To Be Forgiving

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

I've been seeing you two fighting for the longest time, but I never get used to it. It sets my soul on fire everytime and I just want to cut myself when I see it again and again. It goes on. The more I grow up, the more I understand that things are not as easy or simple as they seemed. The more I care, the more I'm afraid. I try to talk to the two of you, all I want is for you two to see it from different perspective and point of view, and make you understand from each other's side.

No, I never try to lecture any of you. No, I never intend to be a rebel and make you sad. I just want to talk it out with you and make you understand that there's more to see than just your past mistakes. That you can try to forgive. That you can try to work together. That you have me who care and just want to make everything better for both of you.

But, you refuse to understand what I'm saying

You don't even try to listen to what I'm trying to tell you

Everything I said is a mistake

You keep saying that "you're not me and you don't know what I've been through.."

You know what? I actually know. I've always been there with you two, watching you. And I know that if only you two want to try to put your selfishness and ego aside, we can definitely work this out together with better understanding. I just want you to see from each other's perspective to see that it's not as bad as it seemed. I just want you to be forgiving.

But everytime, you refuse that helping hand. Everytime, you always say that I know nothing. No matter how many times I tell you that I just care and really want the best for you two, the words don't reach you. Everytime, everything I said is just a mistake for you.

I swear I never try to defend anyone. I swear that I love both of you equally. I swear that all I want is just your happiness. But it seems like you measure your happiness through the things that you can see, and that's what I can't give to you. Money is the start of all of these problems, and no matter how much I tell myself that money can't fix everything, life prove me that I was wrong.

What should I do now? I'm running out tears, my hands are numb from too much scratch that I created to lessen the pain I feel inside. All I want is for your happiness, and I'm truly sorry if I'm the reasons for your despair. I'm sorry if I can't lift up to your expectation until now. And if somehow getting separate ways is really the only way for you two to reach your happiness, then be it, I can't do nothing about it. The wound in my heart will keep getting bigger, but I won't let you see it, because I don't want anymore pain for you two.

I just wish that somehow, someday, you will try to understand me. I just wish that someday you will try to be forgiving, for you and for each other.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

HBD23rd

Happy birthday...

Because if it's not you who celebrate it for yourself, who else would be? It's not like you are famous or have that many friends, but still, I'm so grateful to those who actually remember it. Thank you, Maxi, PSM, Gupa, VJ, etc, etc... Thank God that you're given the chance to live a bit longer so you can fix yourself.

Light up some candles, make a wish, and be grateful!!

All Thoughts Packed in One Post

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

A friendly reminder that you will waste 3 minutes of your life if you're reading this lame post. Before you continue, I suggest you to open a new tab and open a better web to read.

Do you still want to continue?

Well, I've warned you.

The last time I wrote here was two months ago?! Wow, never thought that I would leave blog for that long, but now here I am again, in need for a place to let out my feelings, anxieties, troubles, etc.. LOL. Some things never change, aren't they?

I'm currently at the end of my college life, and I've never felt so stressed about it, simply because I'm always drawn to do the things that I love instead of what I must do. I'd rather do my job as cantora in PSM and take care of those singing lessons, events, projects, etc, instead of doing my thesis. Seeing my friends graduated one by one really makes me happy, but terrified at the same time. I had issue with overthinking and I can't help but think that I might would never have a chance to graduate as long as I'm still doing the things I love, rather than what I must do. These thoughts keep bugging me, that's why my insomnia is getting worse, because all of those terrifying thoughts seemed to come to the surface of my mind when I'm alone. It's sucks to be someone who can only focus on the things she loves.

Maybe I'm just really a sucker for things like thesis and school stuffs like this. :-(

On a brighter note, I'm quite relieved that my job as cantora in PSM will be over this month. It means, I would finally be able to concentrate on my thesis. I'm having a lot of fun doing my job for two years in Artistic Department, and honestly, I think if I were asked to continue doing it, I will still agree to do it because I understand more and more about my job and artistic and finally know what I want to do in it. Two years are not enough to build a strong artistic department, I think, especially when you began to understand what your job description is, and what you want to build and improve, you just want to continue doing it, and especially when you already feel so comfortable in it... But like the famous quotes said, nothing lasts forever. I know I have to put an end for myself and let the new generation replace me. I need to entrust my dreams and job to them and give them chance to learn, and especially let them feel the excitement of being in Artistic. It's always good when you're working for arts and that's why my thesis is always number 2, or maybe even 5 in my to-do-list lol. I'm not quite sure if I regretted it or not for being this way, but I know I'm happy for being able to do my best for the organization that I love.

I don't know where my life is going to take me from now, honestly, I never really imagined my life without PSM, and I never imagined that I would be at this point of college. I know I should be the one who decide where I must going from now, decide things for myself, and create my future. But honestly, I'm just not that kind of cool person who has the guts to dream big or have their future set in their mind. All I know is I need to graduate this year and continue doing the arts. I need to find a way to go to Japan somehow, and I still need to find a way to buy a new camera. 

Wow, this post is so lame and has no good closure. Sorry that you have wasted your time reading it lol. I've warned you, though :p

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Music and You

You and music are my two favorite things

When you and music becomes one, it turns into a very beautiful thing

You will play the piano or guitar and I will sing for you

And then the world will froze for a moment, there's only you and me

The only thing that's left for me and you is music

Every single song I pick, I sing it for you

When you're not watching, I'm watching you

It's like my eyes were glued on you, they're keeping you in sight

When you're not around, the world around me turns to grey

Friends become strangers, and all colors disappeared

Music stops for a while, the room becomes empty

As if nothing else matters in the world anymore

You are the most beautiful when you're happy

And when I saw you cried the other day, my heart crushed into pieces

That's why your name is in my prayer all the time

Your happiness is what I'm always asking the most from Him

Music is the only thing that's left for me and you

'Cause that's the only thing that makes me close to you

I remember every moment when we sit behind the piano

And you tried your best to learn all the songs I pick

The things that seemed so small to you, become big things for me

I keep counting every moment we shared together

'cause the only thing that's left for me is memory about you

There is no expectation, there's only moment to cherish

When I First See You

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

It was almost 11 pm, Mecca time, when I and the jamaah arrived at the Majidil Haram for umroh. My heart felt like it was tickled by a warm breeze when I first stepped into the floor of the Mosque, still couldn't believe that I was finally reached that sacred place. Masha Allah, I didn't even dare to dream to be able to visit that place at such a young age, I was afraid, I didn't think I was ready and deserved to be there, but Allah SWT has called and He didn't wait. He knows that I was at the lowest point of my life, I was in the most miserable state, I felt like my dream and hope were crushed. I needed help and hug from people but I was afraid to tell anyone that I needed a helping hand. And who could help you and lift you out of the ground better than Allah SWT? The Almighty showed His mercy to me, He called upon me and my brothers and invited us to His 'house', the place where all Muslims in the world gathered together. Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, Allahuakbar :")  

Mecca is a city that never sleeps, especially the Masjidil Haram. For 24 hours, everyone is doing thawaf, umroh, and other prayers around the Ka'bah. There are also people who were just sitting around the Ka'bah while reciting Quran or just watching the sacred quadrangle, because it felt relaxing and peaceful by just watching it. You just don't get bored, no matter how long you're staying in it. Sometimes you can also have a chat with random people who came from many different countries. There are some pigeons and eagles flying above Ka'bah, but none of their dirt fall nor contaminate Ka'bah. That's kind of amazing :')

A lot of people I know told me that they were not ready yet to do Umroh nor Hajj because of many reasons, one of them being the fear of getting their sins showed right in their face when they're in Mecca or Madinah. Honestly, there's nothing to be afraid of. Allah's mercy is greater than his anger, and sure we will definitely have to face some trials during our visit there, sometimes we will get to see our reflection in others and some of them are good and some are bad, because that's us human. That will only make us learn more about ourselves, practice our patience, and evaluate ourselves so we can become better as human beings. As long as you have faith in Him and keep asking his forgiveness and guidance, you don't have to worry about anything else. The happiness, peacefulness, and lessons you'll gain are so much more than your fear.

It would be better if you take the chance to do Umroh and Hajj when you're still young. What's better way to spend our energy and young spirit than doing the things that will please Allah, and give the peacefulness to ourselves as well? Don't wait until you get old, because no one promised you a long life. If a lot of people can easily travel abroad, then the place that they should visit first is definitely Mecca and Madinah. There is no better holiday destination than these places.

I'm still longing for you, I wish I will have a chance to come to Your House again, Ya Allah. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and experience such a great moment during my days there. I'll see you again, Insha Allah.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

I Dreamed A Dream

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

Honestly, I do not have any guts to dream anymore. I don't know how can I be this weak. Although my mind have already get over the past failures, my heart is still aching all the time whenever I remember it, or being reminded about it. I'm feel like I will never good enough for that dream. But, I'm longing for it, the thing I love the most, and yet it's so unreachable. It feels like I was trying to stop my heart from beating whenever I remember that dream. It hurts, it makes me breathless, it makes me insecure, but I know this time... I can't do anything about it. Because for this one matter, I know I don't have what it takes, and I know that no matter how hard I've tried, for this one dream, it will end up just the same.