I Just Want You To Be Forgiving

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

I've been seeing you two fighting for the longest time, but I never get used to it. It sets my soul on fire everytime and I just want to cut myself when I see it again and again. It goes on. The more I grow up, the more I understand that things are not as easy or simple as they seemed. The more I care, the more I'm afraid. I try to talk to the two of you, all I want is for you two to see it from different perspective and point of view, and make you understand from each other's side.

No, I never try to lecture any of you. No, I never intend to be a rebel and make you sad. I just want to talk it out with you and make you understand that there's more to see than just your past mistakes. That you can try to forgive. That you can try to work together. That you have me who care and just want to make everything better for both of you.

But, you refuse to understand what I'm saying

You don't even try to listen to what I'm trying to tell you

Everything I said is a mistake

You keep saying that "you're not me and you don't know what I've been through.."

You know what? I actually know. I've always been there with you two, watching you. And I know that if only you two want to try to put your selfishness and ego aside, we can definitely work this out together with better understanding. I just want you to see from each other's perspective to see that it's not as bad as it seemed. I just want you to be forgiving.

But everytime, you refuse that helping hand. Everytime, you always say that I know nothing. No matter how many times I tell you that I just care and really want the best for you two, the words don't reach you. Everytime, everything I said is just a mistake for you.

I swear I never try to defend anyone. I swear that I love both of you equally. I swear that all I want is just your happiness. But it seems like you measure your happiness through the things that you can see, and that's what I can't give to you. Money is the start of all of these problems, and no matter how much I tell myself that money can't fix everything, life prove me that I was wrong.

What should I do now? I'm running out tears, my hands are numb from too much scratch that I created to lessen the pain I feel inside. All I want is for your happiness, and I'm truly sorry if I'm the reasons for your despair. I'm sorry if I can't lift up to your expectation until now. And if somehow getting separate ways is really the only way for you two to reach your happiness, then be it, I can't do nothing about it. The wound in my heart will keep getting bigger, but I won't let you see it, because I don't want anymore pain for you two.

I just wish that somehow, someday, you will try to understand me. I just wish that someday you will try to be forgiving, for you and for each other.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.