Getting Worse

I found myself in the darkest moment ever lately. Almost as terrible as my 2014, and seems like it's getting even worse. I found myself shutting down other people and walking even further away from anyone else. I suffered from a terrible heartache each day, the wound seems to be growing severe and I completely have no idea how to heal it.

I become a bad person, in and outside. I felt irritated all the time and couldn't help but be annoyed by everyone's existence. But at the same time, I know it's not right. It's like my soul is being ripped apart into two different personalities. And now I often hear these two fightings inside of me, telling me what's right and what's not from their own perspectives (this is kinda confusing since they are the voices within me, so they are basically my own perspectives, but you know what I mean!)

For example, when I'm annoyed by my friend's joke, two of my personalities will fight to decide:

BAD: She is so annoying, how can she joke about something that sensitive?

GOOD: Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it to offend anyone, and no one gets hurt by her joke so why do you even care?

BAD: What? No, it's not right to joke out of something like that? Didn't she know it crossed the line and you never know if it hurts anyone?

GOOD: But I'm sure everyone is mature enough to understand her true meaning is just to entertain others.

BAD: Well that's not very entertaining for me, stop acting like you're not bothered by it.

GOOD: Well that's your problem!

BAD: Shut up!

GOOD: YOU SHUT UP!

And it goes on inside of my head, lately, it's happening all the time. And usually, when that happens, I decided to be quiet, and even when my anger is building up, I keep it inside, 'til I unconsciously hitting my hand, or my face, and when I finally speak to very few people whom I trust enough to see the darkest part of me, I would say a lot of bad things, not to them, but mainly about what I'm feeling, and when I finally get to my sense, I'd feel bad for them for listening to my rants which totally have nothing to do with them and even probably annoyed them.

It's like I'm surrounded by dementors every day and I have no happiness left to conjure strong Patronus to protect myself from it.

Mr. Wordless

Hari ini aku menggali lubang masa lalu yang telah kukubur dalam-dalam. Hanya karena sebuah lagu lama yang menjadi teman kisah kita selama beberapa tahun itu. Lalu, aku kembali jatuh cinta. Apakah padamu? Ataukah hanya pada kenangan akan dirimu? Yang aku tau, kamu adalah salah satu dari kisah favoritku. 

Boleh aku sedikit bernostalgia? Bercerita tentangmu? Sudah lima tahun sejak terakhir kita bertemu, tak sedikitpun bayangan tentangmu menghantuiku seperti hari ini. Aneh bukan, hanya karena sebuah lagu, aku membuka kembali sejarah lama yang masih tersimpan rapi itu, entah bagaimana bisa ia masih ada. Lalu, kamu tau apa yang terjadi? Aku menangis. Aku menangis begitu saja, seolah semua yang ada di masa itu kembali kepadaku. Tawa itu. Canda itu. Ledekan itu. Dan tanda-tanda itu. 

Saat itu kamu adalah orang yang digemari banyak orang. Lalu, kita bertemu, dan kita berfoto berdua untuk pertama dan terakhir kalinya. Aku hanya satu dari ribuan orang yang mengagumi kamu, lalu bagaimana bisa takdir membawaku pada sebuah pertemanan, denganmu? Bagaimana bisa, setelah dari sekian banyak yang menyapamu, hanya aku yang kamu tawarkan persahabatan? 

Saat itu aku hanya pemimpi, penuh khayal, bagiku kamu begitu tinggi, tak terjangkau, karena itu ketika kamu memberikan ku lebih dari apa yang aku khayalkan, aku merasa seperti dongeng telah menjadi nyata dalam kehidupanku. Kamu adalah seseorang, sedangkan aku hanya bayangan, tapi kamu melihatku, dan menjadikan aku penting, atau paling tidak membuatku merasa begitu.

Ada jarak yang jauh, hanya melalui telepon, YM, SMS, BBM, twitter, dan social media, kita berbicara setiap hari, hampir sepanjang waktu. Kamu memanggilku dengan sebutan itu begitupun aku. Kita saling mencari saat satu sama lain tak bisa dijangkau, saling meledek, saling berbagi kisah, dan akhirnya aku kembali menemuimu lagi, ke tempatmu tinggal, ke negeri impian itu, dimana semua mimpi menjadi nyata. 

Kita saling peduli dan mencari cara untuk tetap bisa berkomunikasi dalam rahasia, tanpa perlu menyakiti orang yang menyayangi kita. Tapi, pada akhirnya saling menjauh. Lalu, kamu datang lagi. Kamu berada begitu dekat denganku, lebih dari sebelumnya. Dan kita, bertemu lagi. Berbicara lagi. 

Lalu, semua berakhir. Kita menyudahinya tanpa ada perpisahan. Tanpa ada penjelasan, apakah senyuman dan pembicaraan setiap hari kita selama 3 tahun itu adalah tanda yang kamu kirimkan? Apakah pernah dalam sehari saja, kamu merasakan yang kurasakan terhadapmu? Apakah pernah terbersit sedikit saja dalam benakmu, tentang keberadaanku? Apakah dalam canda dan ledekan yang kamu kirimkan nyaris setiap detik itu, ada sedikit saja rasa untukku?

Kamu menghilang dari hidupku, begitupun aku menghilang dari hidupmu, setelah hampir 3,5 tahun kamu mengisinya. Tak ada satu hari pun dalam hidupku tanpa pesan darimu saat itu. Apa yang terjadi? Aku tidak tahu, mungkin itu memang waktu yang tepat, untuk aku mengakhiri apa yang selama ini menjadi khayalan, dan melepaskan yang ternyata akan selamanya terlalu tinggi untuk kuraih. 

Aku merindukanmu, mungkin bukan dirimu, tapi kenangan tentangmu. Kenangan yang sangat berharga bagiku, dimana aku belajar menjadi manusia yang lebih baik kala itu, dan bahkan berprestasi di sekolah dan bisa meraih PTN, itu semua kamu yang menjadi motivasinya. Kamu mungkin tidak tahu, dan tak akan pernah tahu. Tapi, aku ingin berterimakasih. Atas segala yang terjadi, atas waktu yang kamu berikan, atas pertemanan yang kamu tawarkan. Kamu mengubah hidupku kala itu, dan semoga dimanapun kamu sekarang, kamu menjalaninya dengan baik tanpa kekurangan suatu apapun.

Terimakasih ya, Anak Kecil. Merkuriusku. Mr. Wordless-ku.

Terimakasih pernah membuat khayalanku menjadi kenyataan.

Music and Me?

Even though I'm blessed with musical talents from my Dad's side and my mother put me in a lot of artistic and musical courses/events, I don't think I'm really into music. Or should I say, I no longer felt passionate about music? Unlike most of my friends who are so passionate about music to the point that they remember so many songs and always stay updated with the newest hits and eager to perform in front of people, I don't. I love music, it's definitely one of my favorite escapes from reality, but to me, that's what music is all about now. A beautiful escape that could make me wander to the most beautiful fantasy and lift up my spirit. When it comes to music, just like with my social life, I only have very few favorite songs that I could listen for so many times because it reflects my feeling and some of them were so meaningful because they remind me of few experiences and unforgettable events in the past or to certain someone and stories.

I do enjoy performing, but not really passionate about it, maybe because I'm too shy and I feel like I want to throw up whenever I'm on stage by myself, so I kinda give up with a dream of becoming a star on stage, lol. Not only because I felt awkward most of the time, but because I can't memorize so many songs like most of the performers did. Or maybe I just don't want to because I'm lazy. Oh well...

Anyway, here's the list of few of my favorite songs and why they stuck in my head and make me giggled on the inside whenever I listen to it.

1. First Love (Nikka Costa)

This was probably the first English song that I learned and could memorize, 'cause I used to hate English. When I took a singing lesson in Elfa Secioria, my coach gave me this song at our first rehearsal. I have a special spot for 'the first time' things lol,

2. Reflection (Christina Aguilera)

This was the first English song that I performed in front of a real audience. Elfa Secioria always held a concert every 3 months and every student should perform solo. I really like this song because it was, you know, another first-time experience for me to perform on a real stage with a real audience watching me. Also, as I grow up, I learn about the meaning of the song and I could relate to it. It's one of those songs for people who questioned her own worth and identity wants a freedom to be herself but hard to do it, basically my life 😁

3. Memory (Andre Lloyd Webber)

I was just the background singer for this song with many of teenagers in Elfa Secioria Fatmawati's branch, we performed a medley of Jellicles Cat and Memory from Broadway Musical Cats. It was one of the best memories I had in Elfa Secioria. We rehearsed for a month every day, and for the first time, I got to know about Broadway Musical. We performed exactly the same way like the Broadway casts did, with cat's costumes and hair and mask, we danced and sang and acted like insane cats. It was fun and I really miss those days. And yes, as I grow up, I learn about the meaning of this song I felt related to its lyrics.

4. Flying Without Wings (Westlife)

I love Westlife since I was a kid and I literally had no idea what this song was about when I was a kid, I just simply fell for the music and Mark's voice. And as I grow up and learn about the lyrics, I realized that this song was probably made in heaven. It's really beautiful and tells about the many forms of love. And how those things can make us feel like we're flying without wings.

5. Angel's Wings (Westlife)

Another beautiful piece from Westlife, it tells the happiness of a father who welcomed his newborn baby and expresses his admiration and love into a beautiful song. If you have special connection with your parents, you'll feel so overwhelmed with this song.

6. Hingga Ujung Waktu (Sheila on 7)

This is still my favorite song from Sheila on 7 and I didn't even understand the meaning behind its poetical lyrics when I was a kid, but I fell for its beautiful music arrangement back then. Yes, it's a love song which makes my heart feel even warmer after I finally understand its meaning as I grow up. I always think that I want this song to be played on my wedding day, hopefully with S07 as the guest star 😊

7. Waktu yang Tepat 'Tuk Berpisah (Sheila on 7)

Again, this is another masterpiece from Sheila on 7, and I couldn't understand its poetical lyrics until recently. I know it's a sad song, but I couldn't really understand it before. Now, that I finally understand, it got me teared up every time I listen to it, especially because I've had few goodbyes and separation. Eross tried to make a goodbye sounded beautiful, but it secretly hide a sad and heartbreaking feeling, and you have to keep strong and bear with the pain and just let go of what is not meant to be yours. 

8. Two is Better than One (Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift)

This is the soundtrack of my unrequited love for three years during my high school days and half-of my 1st semester in college, with a long distance friend. The lyrics kinda reflected what happened to me and my crush: I fell in love at the first sight and I remember all the things about him on our first meeting, and we had this friendship for 3 years, we both had nicknames for each other, and he even made a secret account so he could talk to me without making anyone jealous. At that time, I sacrificed a lot of things for him, and even went across the ocean for him (literally). But yeah, it was a beautiful unrequited love which made me be a better person at that time. But it ended. It is definitely a story that I would cherish because 'though it was childish and sad, it felt like a fairy tale to me ~~

Music is my beautiful escape and each of my favorite songs is the soundtrack of certain important events that give me warm feeling whenever I listen to it. The memories come alive and I think this is more than just performing materials. 

See you in the next Music and Me Post...

Dear Zahrika Prastamia

Hey, Mia...

I wonder if you would ever read this post. I've been wondering where you are, where you've gone, you completely disappear from our lives. It's been almost 2 years since the last time I saw you. I don't know your phone number, and you disappear from all of the social media.

Where are you? Are you okay? We miss you, you know.

We're still struggling to graduate from college, all of us, me, Mella, Diah, Wardah, and Amel. We're still in contact with each other and sometimes we meet at school. We're wondering where you are. We're even planning to get your address so we could go to your house. You're one of the very important people in my college life. You saved me in many exams and I don't want to lose you just like that. I don't refer to a lot of people as my bestfriend, but to me, you're one of those very few people.

Where are you? Are you healthy? Do you remember us?

I'm working now, and it's so much harder to work on my thesis and also trying to finish all of my studies. I miss our intellectual conversations after classes or during classes (although most of the time it's only you and Wardah talking lol), I miss your existence and your coolness and indifference towards a lot of things lol.

Where are you? I sincerely wish you're doing fine

I just want you to know that you have me, Mella, Wardah, Diah, and Amel, who are here to support you and miss you so much. I want you to know how much we pray that all of us will succeed together in the end, in our own way. If I could get a chance to meet all of you again, I want all of us to go somewhere, far from college, and just travel for fun. We have never done that, right? We only meet at college. I regretted that I was so caught up with PSM and never spare my time to meet you guys outside the college.

Where are you? I wish you read this post somehow.

If you do read it, please let me know that you're still around, that you're not really gone. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. You were one of the very few people who understand me. We're one and the same, although you're a lot smarter haha.

Anyway, I wish wherever you are, you're doing great and be healthy.

We miss you. A lot.

Jangan Ganggu!

Gue tahu kalau hidup ini bukan sekadar kesedihan. Pasti akan ada arus yang membawa kita berputar mengalami jatuh dan bangun. Lalu, bagaimana bisa diri ini terperangkap begitu lama dalam suramnya kesendirian? Padahal ia dikelilingi orang-orang. Gue nggak tahu, apa yang gue cari? Apakah sekeliling itu nyata adanya? Ataukah hanya fana, sehingga meski dekat, tak bisa gue benar-benar merasakannya?

Lalu, orang-orang yang bahagia, bisakah mereka terus berbahagia saja tanpa harus mengomentari kesedihan orang lain? Jika kalian bahagia, baguslah, nikmatilah, tak perlu menyakiti orang lain yang kalian rasa menyedihkan dengan kata-kata kalian. Jika tak berniat menenangkan, maka menjauhlah, tinggalkanlah, biarkan terpuruk sendirian.

Gue pun berusaha. Gue pun mencari. Gue pun bertahan. Gue pun juga ingin meraih kebahagiaan itu. Maka meski gue berbeda, tak perlulah kalian ikut campur, apalagi mengganggu hanya karena sekedar ingin tahu. Gue akan menemukan kebahagiaan, sekarang atau nanti, gue pasti temukan. Meski sekarang mungkin masih jauh, dan gue masih sendirian. Itu lebih baik. Meski gue masih terperangkap dalam kesedihan sendiri, gue akan belajar untuk lebih kuat. Pada akhirnya kita semua akan bahagia.

Tapi, kesedihan juga bukanlah bencana, apalagi kesalahan yang harus ditutupi. Maka biarkan ia mengalir. Dan semoga kesedihan itu akan menjaga gue agar tidak meninggi hati, apalagi merasa lebih baik dari siapapun. Kesedihan itu akan menjadi pintu kebahagiaan, untuk menyadari betapa berharganya ia ketika ia datang nanti.

Misleaded

Maybe I fell in love with you for longer than I thought
Maybe behind that laughter and togetherness, I secretly wish that you felt the same
Maybe I thought that you were just waiting for the right moment
Maybe I saw this friendship as something much deeper than what it really is
Maybe I thought that we had a future together

You were the first person who acknowledged me and needed me by your side
You were the first person who chooses to call me when you were sad
You were the first person who told me that my existence calms you down
You were the first person who made me believe that I'm good enough
You were the first person that showed me your weaknesses

And I didn't realize that I might have fallen for you for a long time
And maybe that's why it hurts so much to find out the truth
And maybe that's why I got disappointed 'though I probably already knew the truth
Maybe because I finally realized that I.... was in love with you

Now I know that all the calls you made were not for me but for someone else
Now I know that you needed me by your side only so you can have someone else

Now I know that I was just a shield you needed for you and someone else
Now I know that I was meaningless

I wish I didn't know
I wish I didn't find out the truth
I wish I didn't care too much
I wish I didn't meet you
I wish I didn't fall in love with you

2015 in review

Time flies...

Suddenly, 2015 ends in a blink of an eye. It felt so fast, for me at least, compared to last year. What are you doing in this new year's eve? I guess I've stopped celebrating the new year's eve. Last year, during the fireworks moments, I was sleeping on the plane and didn't really remember that it was the time when people in the whole world were celebrating the new year. Come to think of it, this year turned out to be so much better than I expected, not as amazing as 2013 which still remain as the best year of my life so far, but 2015 is somewhat.... a turning point for me. There are so many things that I could finally changed this year about myself whereas in 2014, I failed miserably and rather stuck in the most miserable point. Alhamdulillah...

1. Healed

I started 2015 with my heart overwhelmed with peace after I got back from my first umroh with my brothers. It's like my soul got re-charged into 250%. All of the things that hurt me in 2014, were healed after I went umroh. I just felt at peace for quite a while at that time, and definitely so much closer to Allah SWT although, I'm not yet perfect, but I want to be better. It's baby steps, insha Allah, but I'll get there. Amin.

2. PSM UIN Jakarta

On November 2014, I decided to take a break from PSM UIN Jakarta, although I was still in charge as cantora, I still wanted to quit the job and tried to do something so they will replace me. I stopped coming to PSM UIN Jakarta, for 2 months. I told them that I wanted to focus on my thesis, when the truth is, I just wanted to escape. The reason for that was because I lost confidence. It's not like I had a lot of it, I don't even have 50% of confidence, and then suddenly I lost it even more, to a zero point. 

I failed in so many tests in 2014, such as choir audition or school stuffs. I felt worthless. I felt that I didn't deserved to be in that place any longer. I didn't want to have anything to do with choir anymore. I thought. But in January, my friend, Azis, who was (and still is) a conductor of PSM UIN Jakarta, asked me to be Artistic on Duty for PSM UIN Jakarta anniversary. So, I forced myself to come back and do my job, and ended up, stuck in PSM again.... until now. I didn't regret it though. I know that I can never leave a place that I called home. It remains as one of my comfort zones and I know I should never run away from it.

3. Voice of Indonesia

I forgot when the audition was held, it was during January or February, but anyway, I decided to try again. I decided to test myself and see if I could change my weakness. Voice of Indonesia is so much different than most choirs. It's about your ability to sing solo, and your ability to perform and entertain people. It's a show choir. Something that I long desired, but didn't have enough confidence to have it.

So, I and my friend, Sabrin, decided to audition. I still remember the feeling that I got when I sing in front of Rio Silaen, the founder and coach of VOI. It was actually the first time that I didn't feel nervous, and I could sing with all my heart. I guess it has something to do with his piano skills too. He tried me with different keys, and he forced me to sing wholeheartedly. And I did. Maybe it's because of the song too. I offered him 3 songs, but he tried me in On My Own from Les Miserable song the most.

So, yeah... I passed the audition. It was such a wonderful moment and experiences, learning, singing, and performing with Voice of Indonesia. They are different than most choirs, and the people in it were just so nice. This place taught me about professionalism in performing, without losing the soul in the song we sing.

Unfortunately, I had to resign on September 2015 because of so many reasons. I don't know if I regretted it or not, but I will be forever thankful for being able to be a part of them, even only for short period. They give me back my confidence, and I'm thankful for it.

3. Album Garuda - PSM UIN Jakarta and Garuda Baseball

This is the last job that I had in PSM UIN Jakarta as Artistic on Duty. We worked on this album for about 2 months, I had to learn all the songs in it, find the singers, arrange the rehearsal, and stay in the recording studio with PSM. I worked with Tira to finish this album. It was tiring, we had to stay late outside every day. We spent most of our time at Kak Sattam's studio. Reading and learning new songs as fast as we can. I learned to manage my own emotion when working with many different people and different personalities. I'm glad that because of this job, I got to know Kak Sattam better and, working with Kak Kromong again is just one of the best things ever.

The end of this project (for me at least) was at the anniversary of Garuda Baseball & Softball at FX. We performed most of the songs in this album. It was great, watching so many children who are passionate in sports, and singing for them. It was also the last time I ever conducted in a performance I guess. My job in PSM ended in a way that I could never forget. It was not magnificent concert, and rather a simple and fun event, but it was memorable. It made me grateful to have PSM, and I'm grateful that 'til the last time, I can do a little thing for the organization that has given me so much.

4. Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta

Thanks to Adhya, now I worked at Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta boutique. Honestly, I never imagined myself, not even once, to work in a fashion company. It was never be my dream job at all... but who would have thought that it's not always dream that could make us happy? Sometimes, good environment and good people, could make it so much better than we thought it would be? This workplace is not heaven where there's no conflicts. Misunderstanding will always happen. but my bosses are one of the nicest people I ever met. My friends at work are nice and humble, even with such great talents, they remain down to earth. And when a workplace is filled with these kind of people, even if you're not working in your dream job, you will still be happy.

5. Friendship

I learned who or what  true friend is, and that true friend don't always refer each other as any kind of label. They just prove it. It's not about whom you spent most of your time with anymore. It's about the action rather than the person. Sometimes, we think of someone as our best friend, but we never knew if they think the same way about us. Like a one-sided love in friendship. And it happened to me.

Even after I learned the truth about everything, I will not forget that they have painted so many beautiful memories in my life.

True friendship, they are true when they changed you into a better person. They don't tell you promises or call you best friend all the time, but when you need them, they will be there for you.

Come to think of it, I never really spend the new year's eve alone before:

in 2015: I had my brothers and the whole Jamaah Surabaya with me on the plane, although we were asleep during the new year, lol

in 2014, I had Bayu, Adhya, Iqbal, Hafid, Syifa, and Nisa, we celebrated the new year at my house, although there was a feud between us but we through it all.

in 2013, I had Bayu, Adhya, Julian, Hafid, Gisti, Syifa, Mini, Nunena, Bhisma, Dandy, and Erni. We celebrated the new year at my house too.

In 2012, I had Kartika and Vina with me.

In 2011, I had my mabit friends and spent the rest of the night with Robby, Jihan, Bams, Kak Hen, kak Usman, Tari, Maya, Tyas, Bunda Dewi, dan Mia

We always celebrated the new year at my house because the fireworks are great in here. There are so many of them, so we don't have to go too far to witness great fireworks. There's a saying that you will spend the rest of the year with the people whom you've spent the new year's eve with. Tonight... I don't celebrate new year. I don't spend it with anyone. Does it mean I will spend the rest of 2016 by myself? 

We'll see~