The Other Side

http://zavala47.deviantart.com/art/Two-sides-to-one-person-125599931

Everyone has two sides about themselves, right? The good one and the bad one. Staying awake every night sometimes helps me figure out things about myself, I came to realized that I actually have these creepy, criminal, dangerous, mean thoughts that I never show to anyone. Heck, if people could read minds, I don't think they'll stay close to me for more than 5 minutes. They'll freak out immediately. 

This double life I lead isn't healthy for me, Jason Mraz said, but I can't help it. The only way to release those thoughts is by being sarcastic or being a very quiet person, and I've been holding it for a long time because the only thing that keeps me from shouting sh*ts to people is the fact that the good side of me told me that I shouldn't hurt anyone's feeling. But still, realizing that I have these kinds of crazy, awful thoughts in my mind make me realized that I probably don't deserve anyone's affection. Especially from people who love me now.

I feel like I don't want to drag them into my life because it's too awful and I don't think there's anyone who would ever be able to put up with my stubbornness, furthermore, the other side of me. The more I grow up, the more I realize that society will always judge me, including my family and friends. Heck! Can't I live freely, outside of those people's whispers and backtalk? Back in high school, I was this bad little kid who always skipped classes and did all the bad things, then my friends accepted me with all the pain I brought, they accepted me in my darkest hours. But the best thing about them is they didn't try to stop me when I decided to find the light by myself. They don't judge me at my lowest point and they support me in my brightest moment.

I can be so negative at unexpected moments and I don't think anyone can bear with it. While trying so hard to lift up to people's expectations, be a good girl for my parents, I get tired and BAM!! The crazy thoughts start surrounding my head. I can't let anyone live with this wild woman, I would hurt them. I really think I should pull myself away from people slowly because I'm afraid I'd harm them. 

I think I should befriend solitude.

Meski Kita Tak Kenal, Merasa Kehilangan

Begitu ajaib bagaimana semesta menghubungkan orang satu dengan orang lainnya, dan menciptakan perasaan sayang dari hati kepada sosok satu dengan lainnya. Seperti yang gue rasakan untuk penyanyi Nasyid itu, Kang Deden... Gue bukan penggemar berat, hanya dua lagu yang gue tahu dari Band Nasyid Edcoustic:

1. Sebiru Hari Ini
2. Aku Ingin Mencintai-Mu

Yang istimewa bukan hubungan gue dengan mereka. Yang istimewa adalah yang menghubungkan gue dengan mereka. Adalah Mabit Nurul Fikri yang mengenalkan gue dengan dua lagu ini, lagu yang kemudian menjadi pengingat akan ukhuwah yang gue miliki bersama Mabiters saat itu dan bagaimana perjuangan yang kami lalui bersama, serta perpisahan yang siap menunggu kami di depan mata. Lagu yang mengingatkan gue untuk selalu kembali kepada Allah setiap kali gue kehilangan arah. Betapa besar makna lagu-lagu tersebut dan cerita di baliknya bagi gue sehingga gue dengarkan berkali-kali. Lalu, tiba-tiba gue dengar kabar bahwa si pelantun lagu itu baru saja berpulang. Entah bagaimana, ada kehilangan dan kesedihan dalam diri gue. Padahal gue nggak kenal Kang Deden, si vokalis itu. Gue juga nggak ngefans seperti layaknya gadis-gadis pada idolanya. Gue hanya senang mendengarkan dua lagu yang dinyanyikannya karena cerita di baliknya. Tapi, rasa sedih itu entah kenapa tetap ada. Aneh sekali bukan, semesta ini seolah ingin mengajak semua orang mengingat bahwa salah satu sosok yang mulia itu telah kembali pulang, dan kami harus berdoa untuknya. Seolah semesta mengajak kami menangis bersama-sama, meski kami tidak kenal, tapi kehilangan itu ada entah bagaimana caranya.

Semoga Kang Deden ditempatkan di sisi terbaik Allah SWT. Suara merdu nan menyejukkan hati itu akan terus menemani kami semua sambil menunggu gilirannya pulang. Bukan hanya sekedar nyanyian, tapi juga bentuk dakwah. Nyanyia beliau menyentuh hati banyak orang. Selamat jalan, Kang Deden.

Jangan lupa mengirimkan Al-Fatihah untuk Beliau

I'll Blame Me

I'm afraid that 'mine' is too strong
I've been in this place and I always know 
I'm such a terrible lover
Because I'll love completely, wholeheartedly
Isn't that too much to take?
Wouldn't it become a burden when it's too strong for you?
And that strong feeling hurts me too much too
Because it makes me fragile for every simple reason
I worried too much, I expect too much, and I will miss too much?
Wouldn't that be too much for you to take too?
Can anyone teach me how to control feelings?
Because mine is overflowing and I don't know how to stop it
Not that I want to stop loving
I'm just afraid that too much feeling will hurt my precious one
Tell me how to soothe this burning emotion

In the end, if I ever get hurt
It's not you whom I would blame
It's me and my own stupidity
It's me who let myself burned in my own fire
It's me who let myself falling without a parachute
It's me who let myself consumed by that strong feeling
If I ever get hurt, it would be nobody's fault but me

PS: I drank too much coffee and my mind started exaggerating things. Before I realized it, I've written these on my cell phone. So, note this in your mind whoever read it: It's just fictional writing. I repeat, FICTIONAL WRITING! This means it's not what I'm really feeling since I wrote it when I was feeling sleepy and hungry and my mind just went super random 😛

The Reason to Keep Going

Right now, everyone around my age/semester/year in college is busy starting their final undergraduate thesis. Whereas I'm still here, having the time of my own, still busy doing choir and Mabit stuff. Some people asked me, have I ever get bored doing the same things for these past few years? The answer is NO, I never get bored. The choir is the reason why I'm still coming to college, while Mabit is the thing that keeps me from dropping myself out of college because it reminds me of how much I struggled to get into university. Everyone is so eager to graduate from college while I'm here all alone, having my own dilemma. I'm in my 7th semester. Mom keeps saying that I should graduate next year, but the thing is... I don't know what am I doing. I've tried to find reasons to continue studying the thing I never really interested in, but as time passed, I keep getting this feeling that what I'm doing is useless. I can't find any reason besides my Mom's order to go to college, get a diploma, and graduate soon, so society will accept me. 

Well... Lucky them who actually get the chance to study the things they really want and love. A moment of silence for someone like me who needs more extra reasons and courage to keep coming to college. I should be grateful, shouldn't I? And I am grateful, with my friends and organization, but not with my studies. But no matter what happens, I can't stop now, I'll try to graduate, not as soon as my Mom expects me to be, but soon. My brother said that I should enjoy college while it lasts, either its classes or organization, so when I'm finally leaving, I can look back with no regrets. If I can't like what I'm studying, at least I can love what I'm doing while I'm here, and produce something. So, good luck to you who are struggling with your final thesis. Wish me luck too! :")

Anyway... I don't need to graduate to wear those awesome graduation uniforms, lol. I already tasted the feeling of wearing it. It felt hot actually, but it does make you look cooler haha.

Blooming

Hello!

Something is blooming inside me and no one can stop me from feeling this happy

Selamat Hari Kelahiran, Para Pejuang Tangguh!

Dua tahun lalu, tepatnya pada tanggal ini, kami semua berkumpul di Aula Student Center UIN Jakarta, hari pertama Training Paduan Suara PSM UIN Jakarta. Pertama kalinya diperkenalkan bahwa nama angkatan kami adalah Maximilian yang berarti Pejuang yang Tangguh! Kemudian, satu persatu dipanggil dan diberi nama baru, nama PSM: Nama yang aneh dan unik dimana semuanya diambil dari judul lagu atau istilah musik. Saat itu, nggak ada rasa peduli sedikitpun terhadap orang di sekeliling, nggak pernah terpikirkan sedikitpun bahwa nama Maximilian akan menjadi begitu berarti, nggak menduga sama sekali bahwa separuh jiwa akan menyatu dengannya...

Dua tahun sudah sejak itu, dan nggak ada satu haripun yang gue lewati bersama mereka tanpa meninggalkan kesan yang mendalam hingga sekarang, meskipun itu hanya tawa untuk imajinasi liar (kita lebih sering ngomongin khayalan absurd daripada gosipin tokoh tertentu!), ataupun melakukan projek-projek besar yang tidak pernah kita duga akan mampu kita lalui. Gue bersyukur terlahir di angkatan Maximilian. Alhamdulillah, dua tahun kebersamaan ini merupakan salah satu momen paling berharga yang pernah gue alami. Terimakasih ya Allah atas anugerah persahabatan yang Engkau berikan untuk kami. Semoga Engkau pertemukan kami di Surga-Mu. Aaaamin.

A little flashback :')

Happy 2nd Anniversary, My Precious Maximilian 💗

Kuliah Kerja Nyata

KKN is one of the greatest chapters in my life that I would cherish the most. I never expected that I would have such a deep bond with certain people from that place. How would I know? I wasn't really excited about KKN back then, barely came to the group meeting, I wanted to stay home so badly instead of spending 30 days in another faraway village. Anyway, people changed. Experience also changes my perspective and opinion about KKN. Now if anyone ever asked me about KKN, I would tell them to take it and enjoy it. You would create great memories as well 💗

So, whom did you think had a special bond with me? KKN Ganks? Hmm... no. They're nice and awesome, but what I mean here are the kids from Belimbing Village. And when I said special, I really mean it. Let's get to know them 😁

1. TINO 

He's in 5th grade and he has Liver disease, but unexpectedly he's super hyperactive. He has great energy and he loves to tickle everyone around him. He never gets tired, he could chase me only to tickle me for like an hour and he wouldn't stop until he gets his target. Naughty... naughty boy 😆 This cheerful kid can get along with most people. He likes to pull pranks on others too, and he usually succeeds. He's also very smart, like one of the most lovable kids I have ever met. Tino loves playing chess, that explained why he's so smart 😁

2. RICO

Rico is supposed to be in 5th grade, but he's still remained in 2nd grade. As far as I know, he can only read the word "Ibu" and "Ayah". He can do a bit of math, he can do addition quite well, but he can't do subtraction or even multiplication. Rico can't be hurt nor get hurt because he has epilepsy. We can't surprise him too hard or he will faint literally. Rico is very courageous to learn something. He's has a little bit of autism; if you tell him something, he will do it right away. Like when I told him to come to my homestay at 7 am, he really comes. When I promised him something, he will remember it and he will keep asking me to complete my promise to him 😁

3. STEPHEN

Stephen, such a cool name, tho all of his friends called him without the 'S', haha. Stephen is one of the most lovable kids too. He's naughtier than Tino. Stephen loves to pull pranks on others, and he's like a troublemaker, but in a cute way 😋 Stephen also has a deep bond with us, his home is really far from our homestay but he didn't hesitate to take a long road only to meet us and play with us. Isn't it the sweetest thing ever? And he loves animals so much. He would borrow my camera to hunt some animal pictures. That makes him even more adorable 💚

4. ANGGA - ANGGI

Angga (on the left) and Anggi (on the right), I usually called them Twins A. It's quite funny how I discovered them: At first, Anggi was absent because he was sick. I didn't know that Angga has a twin. After a week, I met Anggi who was running in the school hallway, but I called him Angga. Of course, he didn't answer. Then, one of their friends told me that it was Anggi who just ran past me, and Angga was inside the class. Can you imagine how I reacted when I found out that the adorable kid has another adorable twin? Like... double cuteness, LOL!! They're almost identical. But it's easy to differentiate them once you get used to them. Angga has a big mole on his neck while Anggi has a smaller one on his left cheek, and Anggi's face is a bit smaller. It's cute how they always wear exactly the same clothes when they visited my homestay, and they always have the same haircut. Unlike the other kids, Angga and Anggi are very shy. They refused to get closer to us in the first two weeks. It was a big surprise when they visited our homestay despite their faraway home. And they visited us every day, although all they did were only sitting, hiding their faces, and whenever we asked them something, both of them have the same answers: "Nggak tau.." or just look away, refused to answer. But they're still really cute. This post is longer than the others because they are, you know, double~ 💙💙

5. ARDI

Ardi is in 4th grade. He was supposed to be in 5th grade, but he failed because he missed too many classes the previous year. It's sad because he's a brilliant kid, and much more mature than the others in character. He's the best kid I have ever met. He loves drawing and his drawing is fantastic. He knows that I adored him more than the other kids, but he didn't act spoiled at me while the other kids usually tried to get our attention. He would just sit a bit farther and draw something, he understands that I have to teach his friends. He's very sincere and calm. He takes good care of Rico, he keeps him accompanied and he always helps Rico doing his homework. Ardi always participated in our programs, and he did it wholeheartedly. Before I left, we made a promise that he would not absent from school anymore and he would reach the first rank in class. I have faith in him because he's actually brilliant, he's just so lazy last year, but he wanted to change. Isn't that sweet? 💗 Sadly, on the last day, I couldn't meet him for the last time because he was so determined to go to school despite the fact that it would be the last time he spends his time with me. I'm just so proud of him. Ah, no worries... two weeks after the farewell day, I met Ardi again because I visited the village again with my friends so we got to say our farewell properly for the last time. I will cherish the time he spends with us 💗

6. BASTIAN

His full name is Bastian Saputra, and I'm the only one who called him Bastian. Bastian and Ardi is one packet for me, I love both of them the most. Bastian also loves drawing, although his drawing isn't as great as Ardi, he enjoys it. Bastian has a problem in reading, although he's already in 4th grade. He's slower in reading compared to others, that's why I focused him on learning how to read and whenever we're together, I would ask him to read any words that we found near us. Bastian is a cheerful kid, and he's already visited me in Jakarta once. He's also the one who calls me the most 😁 He loves playing more than studying, that's normal 😋 He and Ardi completed each other, and Ardi would always gladly help him. And both of them are my special sons 💗

I made a promise to them that I will visit once in a while. Hopefully, I could really make it ❤