Jangan Ganggu!

Gue tahu kalau hidup ini bukan sekadar kesedihan. Pasti akan ada arus yang membawa kita berputar mengalami jatuh dan bangun. Lalu, bagaimana bisa diri ini terperangkap begitu lama dalam suramnya kesendirian? Padahal ia dikelilingi orang-orang. Gue nggak tahu, apa yang gue cari? Apakah sekeliling itu nyata adanya? Ataukah hanya fana, sehingga meski dekat, tak bisa gue benar-benar merasakannya?

Lalu, orang-orang yang bahagia, bisakah mereka terus berbahagia saja tanpa harus mengomentari kesedihan orang lain? Jika kalian bahagia, baguslah, nikmatilah, tak perlu menyakiti orang lain yang kalian rasa menyedihkan dengan kata-kata kalian. Jika tak berniat menenangkan, maka menjauhlah, tinggalkanlah, biarkan terpuruk sendirian.

Gue pun berusaha. Gue pun mencari. Gue pun bertahan. Gue pun juga ingin meraih kebahagiaan itu. Maka meski gue berbeda, tak perlulah kalian ikut campur, apalagi mengganggu hanya karena sekedar ingin tahu. Gue akan menemukan kebahagiaan, sekarang atau nanti, gue pasti temukan. Meski sekarang mungkin masih jauh, dan gue masih sendirian. Itu lebih baik. Meski gue masih terperangkap dalam kesedihan sendiri, gue akan belajar untuk lebih kuat. Pada akhirnya kita semua akan bahagia.

Tapi, kesedihan juga bukanlah bencana, apalagi kesalahan yang harus ditutupi. Maka biarkan ia mengalir. Dan semoga kesedihan itu akan menjaga gue agar tidak meninggi hati, apalagi merasa lebih baik dari siapapun. Kesedihan itu akan menjadi pintu kebahagiaan, untuk menyadari betapa berharganya ia ketika ia datang nanti.

Misleaded

Maybe I fell in love with you for longer than I thought
Maybe behind that laughter and togetherness, I secretly wish that you felt the same
Maybe I thought that you were just waiting for the right moment
Maybe I saw this friendship as something much deeper than what it really is
Maybe I thought that we had a future together

You were the first person who acknowledged me and needed me by your side
You were the first person who chooses to call me when you were sad
You were the first person who told me that my existence calms you down
You were the first person who made me believe that I'm good enough
You were the first person that showed me your weaknesses

And I didn't realize that I might have fallen for you for a long time
And maybe that's why it hurts so much to find out the truth
And maybe that's why I got disappointed 'though I probably already knew the truth
Maybe because I finally realized that I.... was in love with you

Now I know that all the calls you made were not for me but for someone else
Now I know that you needed me by your side only so you can have someone else

Now I know that I was just a shield you needed for you and someone else
Now I know that I was meaningless

I wish I didn't know
I wish I didn't find out the truth
I wish I didn't care too much
I wish I didn't meet you
I wish I didn't fall in love with you

2015 in review

Time flies...

Suddenly, 2015 ends in a blink of an eye. It felt so fast, for me at least, compared to last year. What are you doing in this new year's eve? I guess I've stopped celebrating the new year's eve. Last year, during the fireworks moments, I was sleeping on the plane and didn't really remember that it was the time when people in the whole world were celebrating the new year. Come to think of it, this year turned out to be so much better than I expected, not as amazing as 2013 which still remain as the best year of my life so far, but 2015 is somewhat.... a turning point for me. There are so many things that I could finally changed this year about myself whereas in 2014, I failed miserably and rather stuck in the most miserable point. Alhamdulillah...

1. Healed

I started 2015 with my heart overwhelmed with peace after I got back from my first umroh with my brothers. It's like my soul got re-charged into 250%. All of the things that hurt me in 2014, were healed after I went umroh. I just felt at peace for quite a while at that time, and definitely so much closer to Allah SWT although, I'm not yet perfect, but I want to be better. It's baby steps, insha Allah, but I'll get there. Amin.

2. PSM UIN Jakarta

On November 2014, I decided to take a break from PSM UIN Jakarta, although I was still in charge as cantora, I still wanted to quit the job and tried to do something so they will replace me. I stopped coming to PSM UIN Jakarta, for 2 months. I told them that I wanted to focus on my thesis, when the truth is, I just wanted to escape. The reason for that was because I lost confidence. It's not like I had a lot of it, I don't even have 50% of confidence, and then suddenly I lost it even more, to a zero point. 

I failed in so many tests in 2014, such as choir audition or school stuffs. I felt worthless. I felt that I didn't deserved to be in that place any longer. I didn't want to have anything to do with choir anymore. I thought. But in January, my friend, Azis, who was (and still is) a conductor of PSM UIN Jakarta, asked me to be Artistic on Duty for PSM UIN Jakarta anniversary. So, I forced myself to come back and do my job, and ended up, stuck in PSM again.... until now. I didn't regret it though. I know that I can never leave a place that I called home. It remains as one of my comfort zones and I know I should never run away from it.

3. Voice of Indonesia

I forgot when the audition was held, it was during January or February, but anyway, I decided to try again. I decided to test myself and see if I could change my weakness. Voice of Indonesia is so much different than most choirs. It's about your ability to sing solo, and your ability to perform and entertain people. It's a show choir. Something that I long desired, but didn't have enough confidence to have it.

So, I and my friend, Sabrin, decided to audition. I still remember the feeling that I got when I sing in front of Rio Silaen, the founder and coach of VOI. It was actually the first time that I didn't feel nervous, and I could sing with all my heart. I guess it has something to do with his piano skills too. He tried me with different keys, and he forced me to sing wholeheartedly. And I did. Maybe it's because of the song too. I offered him 3 songs, but he tried me in On My Own from Les Miserable song the most.

So, yeah... I passed the audition. It was such a wonderful moment and experiences, learning, singing, and performing with Voice of Indonesia. They are different than most choirs, and the people in it were just so nice. This place taught me about professionalism in performing, without losing the soul in the song we sing.

Unfortunately, I had to resign on September 2015 because of so many reasons. I don't know if I regretted it or not, but I will be forever thankful for being able to be a part of them, even only for short period. They give me back my confidence, and I'm thankful for it.

3. Album Garuda - PSM UIN Jakarta and Garuda Baseball

This is the last job that I had in PSM UIN Jakarta as Artistic on Duty. We worked on this album for about 2 months, I had to learn all the songs in it, find the singers, arrange the rehearsal, and stay in the recording studio with PSM. I worked with Tira to finish this album. It was tiring, we had to stay late outside every day. We spent most of our time at Kak Sattam's studio. Reading and learning new songs as fast as we can. I learned to manage my own emotion when working with many different people and different personalities. I'm glad that because of this job, I got to know Kak Sattam better and, working with Kak Kromong again is just one of the best things ever.

The end of this project (for me at least) was at the anniversary of Garuda Baseball & Softball at FX. We performed most of the songs in this album. It was great, watching so many children who are passionate in sports, and singing for them. It was also the last time I ever conducted in a performance I guess. My job in PSM ended in a way that I could never forget. It was not magnificent concert, and rather a simple and fun event, but it was memorable. It made me grateful to have PSM, and I'm grateful that 'til the last time, I can do a little thing for the organization that has given me so much.

4. Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta

Thanks to Adhya, now I worked at Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta boutique. Honestly, I never imagined myself, not even once, to work in a fashion company. It was never be my dream job at all... but who would have thought that it's not always dream that could make us happy? Sometimes, good environment and good people, could make it so much better than we thought it would be? This workplace is not heaven where there's no conflicts. Misunderstanding will always happen. but my bosses are one of the nicest people I ever met. My friends at work are nice and humble, even with such great talents, they remain down to earth. And when a workplace is filled with these kind of people, even if you're not working in your dream job, you will still be happy.

5. Friendship

I learned who or what  true friend is, and that true friend don't always refer each other as any kind of label. They just prove it. It's not about whom you spent most of your time with anymore. It's about the action rather than the person. Sometimes, we think of someone as our best friend, but we never knew if they think the same way about us. Like a one-sided love in friendship. And it happened to me.

Even after I learned the truth about everything, I will not forget that they have painted so many beautiful memories in my life.

True friendship, they are true when they changed you into a better person. They don't tell you promises or call you best friend all the time, but when you need them, they will be there for you.

Come to think of it, I never really spend the new year's eve alone before:

in 2015: I had my brothers and the whole Jamaah Surabaya with me on the plane, although we were asleep during the new year, lol

in 2014, I had Bayu, Adhya, Iqbal, Hafid, Syifa, and Nisa, we celebrated the new year at my house, although there was a feud between us but we through it all.

in 2013, I had Bayu, Adhya, Julian, Hafid, Gisti, Syifa, Mini, Nunena, Bhisma, Dandy, and Erni. We celebrated the new year at my house too.

In 2012, I had Kartika and Vina with me.

In 2011, I had my mabit friends and spent the rest of the night with Robby, Jihan, Bams, Kak Hen, kak Usman, Tari, Maya, Tyas, Bunda Dewi, dan Mia

We always celebrated the new year at my house because the fireworks are great in here. There are so many of them, so we don't have to go too far to witness great fireworks. There's a saying that you will spend the rest of the year with the people whom you've spent the new year's eve with. Tonight... I don't celebrate new year. I don't spend it with anyone. Does it mean I will spend the rest of 2016 by myself? 

We'll see~

True Happiness?

Maybe my soul has been attached to sadness and sorrow. I can never have a single day without being so depressed about so many things, but I keep it all inside. I couldn't scream. I couldn't yell at anyone. Everything just being locked up inside of me while slowly growing into a very big, painful wound. I'm saved by my faith. I cried in my prayers. Maybe I should feel this sad so I would beg for His comfort every day. Maybe I should feel this much depressed so I would stay humble. Somehow, I learned that pain has become a big part of my life. Even though I have to spend hours for crying instead of sleeping, but I always ended up spending the night with Him. If I were so happy, maybe I would be far from Him. Maybe the reason I was given this illness is because Allah wants me to stay grounded and give my soul and sadness only to Him. Because only after I felt this much pain, I would feel the most happiness after I give it all to Him.

Naive

Today I learned something about myself. I'm more naive than I thought I am. I always put my feelings way too deep in everything I do and that is why I often hurt myself from expecting way too much from others. I can't just ignore it when things go wrong in front of me. I know for a fact that things will get better for them. I know that it's not my capacity to do something or say anything. I know the thing that I thought was bad might not really as bad as it seems. But I just wish, somehow, people will at least show their concern, or someone will tell that lady that it's gonna be alright and ensure her that it's not as bad as she thought. That would be enough for me.

I remember the day before, my mom came home after work and she looked so down, and she told me that she was being misunderstood by her colleagues and no one was there for her at that time. I remember how sad my mom was, and that's why I felt related to the lady at my workplace. I know she might just misunderstood things, but I saw her face and how she almost cried. I remember my mom and I felt like I should do something to her. But I don't know what to do, my colleagues didn't seem to be bothered by what just happened in front of them. 

Oh, well... maybe it's just casual things that always happen. And maybe I was being overthinking. But still I think it would be much better if someone actually tried to cheer up the lady. So, I ran downstairs in hoping to catch her up and maybe talk a bit to make her feel better, but she's gone already. And I couldn't help but felt guilty.

Again, this is just me being overthinking and a bit shocked on the new working world that I just got in, and maybe soon or later I will learn to get used to it like the others. Maybe somehow I will learn to understand that I'm not responsible for everything and that everyone has their own problems. It's perfectly normal.

But still, if that happened to my mom, or even to me, I would hope for someone to cheer me up and ensure me that it's not as bad as I thought it was. Oh, maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just my absurd mind.

Keep it to Yourself

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

The idea that you should never tell your worries or weakness to others
The idea that you should only keep your complains to yourself because self-pity is not cool
The idea that you have to remain strong and never disturb anyone with your sad story

Honestly

Those ideas and rules really make me feel breathless. I tried my best to keep my problems to myself. I do share my worries but I tried to keep it not as transparent as possible because I know I should keep it to myself. For someone with social anxieties and abnormal mood and brain, those ideas really make me feel exhausted. I always feel like crying and telling people my problems. But I ended up putting on a flat face when something inside of me is actually exploding. It becomes terrifying at night, as I could not hold it in anymore. It becomes chaos within me, it drives me insane, and it happened every night.

Indeed, those rules somehow make me feel closer to God because I will only cry my heart out to Him. But somewhere deep down, I wish I would have at least one person to share these terrifying things and tell me that it's gonna be okay. 'Cause that's what I will do for my friends. But maybe if I never call them, they will never know if I needed them. I should never hope that somehow their 'BFF' instinct would make them aware of my condition. A simple, "You're okay today, right?" mean so much to me. I remember one friend actually ask me this and I still remember it 'til now. Simply because I remember they once cared. But I know that they also have their own problems. And the rules of 'keep your problems to yourself' should be applied here. That's why I never really call anyone 'though I'm feel like dying inside. This is not a movie where you can always depend on your bestfriend's instinct.

But still.
I wish it is.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

A Friend?

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Yesterday felt like fairy tale to me. I didn't believe it actually happened. But fate simply didn't connect us together today. Those signs and feelings that bestfriends supposed to have, we didn't have it. That makes me question this friendship? Is it real? Or is it just me who feel this way? Maybe I should have called you instead of hoping for your 'bff' instinct to realized that I was there, that I needed your presence. Or maybe I should stop expecting a helping hand from anyone whenever I felt depressed. Be it you or my parents. I should only tell my worries and anxieties to God.

I always remind myself to be independent, to free myself from getting addicted to anybody's presence to make me feel safe, but I always fail miserably. Do we really need a soulmate? Even God created Eve for Adam? Is it too much for me to expecting a soulmate too?

The more I grown up, the more I separate myself from the crowd, but at the same time, the more I'm afraid that I will somehow end up alone.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.