I Won't Lose

The thoughts of committing suicide always lie somewhere inside of my head. I even tried to do it before, but my religion saved me. I buried those thoughts as deep as possible but for some reason, they always find a way to come to the surface again, whenever something terrible happened to me. I have so many awful thoughts in mind. These awful thoughts always managed to control my feelings somehow.

I never ask to be born. If I knew life would be this hard, people would be this evil, and I would be this weak, I would have begged for God to never let me born in this world. Still... there are some beautiful things too in this life, but usually, they don't last long. I always worried whenever I have a fine wonderful day 'cause darkness somehow always finds its way to ruin it in the end. Tomorrow won't be as good as today, so don't let yourself be overwhelmed with happiness. It will hurt so much once it's ruined. That's what I kept telling myself.

I wish I could talk about my fears with someone. I wish I could have a place where I could pour my sorrows. But I don't have that kind of person or place in my life. And why should I share those terrible things and burden others with my own problems? Maybe it's fair, this way, I can only talk to God. I don't even need to tell Him in detail. He knows everything.

I wonder... For how many days would I be able to survive? How long would I be able to shut down those terrible thoughts? Will I be freed from these expectations of everyone? Will I be able to defeat this demon within me completely someday? Will I survive those suicide thoughts next time? I don't know. But I know one thing... My fear of Hell and God is bigger than my fear for this world. This world is already like Hell so I would like to have a chance to enter Paradise at least. If I ever lose to this suicide thought, then I will lose the chance to enter Paradise forever. So... I have no choice but to keep fighting and moving forward. Mikasa Ackerman said that this world is cruel but it's undeniably beautiful too. I won't lose to my demon.

"Jika hidup harus berputar... biarlah berputar. Akan ada harapan sekali lagi seperti dulu..."
And Sheila on 7 saved me once again too. What a random ending lol