Living - Surviving...

Adulthood is funny. It keeps me questioning whether I'm just emotionally intelligent or just getting good at killing emotions? Or both? 

When my little brother passed away and our family stood together in front of the ICU, receiving the news from the doctor, I was the only one remaining calm... while my big brother and mother almost fainted, crying hard. I cried, of course, but at that time... for a strange reason, I expected such news because I was the one spending most time with him in the hospital. As much as I didn't want it to happen, somewhere inside me always expect for the worst based on what I've been seeing and observing. Am I pessimistic that I expected my little brother will pass away? Maybe. But does that mean I wasn't sad? I was crushed, I am still grieving to this day. But at that time, until the whole funeral process is done, I was able to stay calm, stayed at my mother's side, making sure she'd remain strong, holding as much tears as possible, trying my best to numb my feelings.

Although... I ended up still crying all alone whenever I have no one around me until now. But when I have to face it, thankfully, I was always able to give the most minimum reaction, cause honestly... I don't know how else can I act.

And it happens again now. When I received the news that my contract will not be continued and I will be jobless once again, I was able to remain calm while receiving the news. And that's because I already expected them since the first talk with my superior, that due to the efficiency policy, they need to let go the ones with the least responsibilities: me, as I'm just an office administrator that don't bring any profit to the company that is still growing. So, once again, I saw that coming, I was prepared and received the news with the calmest reaction, that I even surprised with myself when it was finished.

How did I do that? I never know.

I just know that I was never good at reacting or showing strong emotions. Does that mean I wasn't hurt? I was, I am, I'm filled with worries and fears especially because I'm the backbone of the family. Who's gonna pay all the bills? But what else can I do? My mind already make all the possibilities for me to still be able to pay them while receiving the news, making all the schemes and survival plans for a few days or months ahead.

But I still don't know how did I manage to react that calmly. Sometimes, I like to think that maybe I'm just getting stable at managing my emotions, but at the same time, I also realized there's another reason. Something that keeps bugging me inside but I cannot explain it, and that have something to do with numbing my own emotions at the most critical times. 

It left me feeling empty afterwards, but I have to keep going. Maybe this is my way of surviving, by numbing everything I feel, but will I be able to keep living like this? Only for survival instead of really living?

ChatGPT

So, it's kinda frustrating nowadays that your writing is being accused as a writing from ChatGPT. To be honest, I don't even have that app installed on my phone. And I've been writing for so long, so is it my fault that my style of writing is apparently similar to ChatGPT? How can I prove it that it's the ChatGPT that copied my style of writing instead of the other way around?

That might be one of the little stressful things I experienced in my adult life. Work is not so difficult, but being accused of using it again and again makes me question my own ability now. Maybe I really am that bad at writing now? Maybe it's true that I'm not that talented anyway.

Here I go again with my bad thoughts, but what's the use of blog other than to let me release all these negative emotions, right? It's been a while, or years. Can't believe I've been writing here since I was a teenager. From the moment where I used all day to write to now being accused as a ChatGPT writer, I've come so far I guess.

Life still like that, or worse, because we have even worse government around the world who keep trying to ignore genocide in Palestine, and our own government are the most corrupted now with no punishment whatsoever. Life is hard, especially being an Indonesian. But I have no choice other than to keep on living, right? I tried to end my life before but I don't like the pain. So, I have to keep on living.

And I'm all alone now. No little brother. No big brother. No one. Just me. Trying to survive. Do you think I will be able to do it?

Of course.

But when will I be able to really live, rather than surviving? 

Kehabisan Harapan

Kenapa ya, waktu begitu cepat berjalan? Kayaknya baru kemarin, gue diterima kerja dan menandatangani 4 tahun kontrak, tiba-tiba 2 bulan lagi, kontrak itu akan berakhir. Gue sudah memasuki usia 32 tahun, single, dan masih harus berjuang lagi untuk mendapatkan pekerjaan yang baik agar bisa berdiri di kaki sendiri sekaligus bisa menafkahi orangtua. Bertahun-tahun menjadi dewasa, tapi tetap saja belum terbiasa dengan semua masalah dewasa ini. Masalah finansial yang dulu membuat gue bertanya-tanya, bagaimana orang-orang bisa memutuskan untuk menyerah saat mereka menghadapi masalah finansial yang berat? "Kenapa mereka tidak berusaha lebih?"

Pertanyaan yang naif dan sangat ignorant, bukan? Padahal di negara ini, berusaha saja tidak akan cukup. Pajak semakin tinggi, harga semakin naik, tetapi standar gaji masih segitu-segitu saja. Gue pun juga mengalami hal yang sama hingga beberapa kali ingin menyerah juga. Meninggalkan kehidupan mungkin lebih baik. Bebas dari tuntutan finansial mungkin akan lebih baik daripada berusaha hingga titik darah penghabisan, namun tak pernah cukup juga. Bahkan pernah sampai di titik dimana gue harus meminjam dana dari sana-sini agar bisa bertahan karena tidak berani meminta bantuan keluarga, cukuplah beban mereka, cukuplah hidup mereka untuk mereka sendiri saja. Betapa bodohnya. Untungnya, gue masih diberikan kesadaran untuk berhenti menenggelamkan diri dari hutang dan akhirnya pelan-pelan bisa lepas dari lingkaran setan itu. Tapi diluar sana, bahkan disekitar, masih banyak yang terjerat. Apalagi di jaman sekarang ini, mendapatkan pinjaman itu semudah membalikkan telapak tangan.

Begini amat sih jadi dewasa, bahkan menangis saja malu pada diri sendiri. Tapi hidup akan terus berjalan selama kita masih bernapas, dan gue nggak mau memilih jalan menyerah, jadi gue cuma punya pilihan untuk bertahan. Gue mungkin hanya butuh untuk melepaskan beban yang ada di hati ini, untuk percaya bahwa gue akan melewati fase berat ini lagi, seperti fase-fase berat sebelumnya. Gue cuma berharap, gue tidak akan pernah kehabisan harapan, dan bisa terus berjalan di jalan yang benar, dengan cara yang baik, dan tidak menyusahkan siapapun. 

Semoga tulisan ini akan bisa gue lihat kembali di masa depan, ketika fase ini telah gue lewati, dan gue bisa diingatkan untuk tidak berhenti berharap dan berdoa. Dewasa ini memang perjuangan terpanjang, terberat, tapi semoga kita kuat, dan kita bisa melaluinya lagi dan lagi.

Semoga kita tidak akan pernah kehabisan harapan!

To You, in 2000... Or 20000 / Ni-sen Nen... Moshiku wa... Ni-man Nen-go no Kimi e... - Linked Horizon (Lyrics and Translations)

 

As a huge fan of Attack on Titan, this song is such the perfect closure for this amazing story. I keep crying whenever I listened to this song, maybe because this song is about grieving, finding hopes, and start again, even in such cruel world, we can always find something to make us smile, to keep us going. This song also makes me remember my late little brother a lot. He's also a huge fan of Attack on Titan and he passed away before the final episode aired. I feel that he would have loved this song as much as he loved Akuma no Ko, I just can feel how this song resonates with him too. I miss him. May all of us who are grieving from losing our loved ones will be able to keep on living with hopes and find hopes no matter what.

An dich in zweitausend oder zwanzigtausend Jahren
To you, in 2000 ... or 20000 Years

Tomurai no hana no namae mo shirazu
Not knowing the names of the mourning flowers
Tobisarishi tori no nokoshita ato ni
After the birds have flown away
Kusaki wa mebuki kotoshi mo mata haru ga kuru
The plants and trees have sprouted again, and spring returns once more
Fuyu wo okizari ni
Leaving behind the winter

Meguru kisetsu ni urami utaedo
Even though I sing songs of resentment with the passing seasons
Anata wa nido to kaette konai
You will never return again
Saigo no kuchizuke wo akaku someta no wa watashi
The last kiss that colored red was from me
Hoka no dare demo nai
And from no one else

Furueru kubisuji wo tsutsumikomu nukumori
The warmth that envelops my trembling neck
Watashi wa nando demo kono samusa ni tachimukau
I will face this cold countless times
Tatakae to tatakae to kurikaesu anata no kotoba
"Fight, fight," your words repeat
Ima demo taezu mada hibiiteru
Evеn now, they still resound

Toki ga hakonda odayakana hibi
As time carriеs on, gentle days
Tamuketa hana no you ni
Like flowers offered as tribute
Himeta kotoba wa dare ni mo tsugezu iku
The hidden words go to the grave without telling anyone

Requiem, requiem
Hitsugi ni wa kimi ga aishita hana wo
If you're to scatter sins
Tsumi wo yurusu nara akatsuki yo terase
Let dawn illuminate the flowers you loved on the cypres

Die Welt das Schwert des Jungen zerbrochen hat
When the world has broken the boy's sword
Wird die Spitze des Wolkenkratzers erreichen
He will reach the top of the skyscraper
Und auf den Turmbau zu Babel lachend hinunterblicken
And look down on the Tower of Babel with laughter
Hass und Zorn sind eine zweischneidige Klinge
Hate and worry are a double-edged plane
Die Geschichte wiederholt sich
History repeats itself

Umeyo fuyaseyo to daichi ni michite
Fruitful and abundant, the earth is filled
Koutetsu no tori wo sora e hanatta
The steel bird is released into the sky
Jiyuu wa guren no yumiya to natte
Freedom becomes a crimson bow and arrow
Nando mo kurikaesu
Repeating many times

Nageru kaesu ishiwo suterarezu ni iru
Unable to throw away the stones we throw back
Okubyou na "oretachi" ga miageta sora
The diseased humanity gazes at the sky
Ryuusei ni nita meifu no yumiya
The bow and arrow of Hades, similar to a meteor
Rekishi wa kurikaesu
History repeats itself
Soshite mata "zero" ni naru
And becomes "zero" once again

Kikoeru ka? Mori wo deru
Can you hear it? Leaving the forest
Nando michi ni mayottemo
No matter how many times we get lost on the path
Yake no hara ni mo kusaki wa mebuita
Even on the scorched field, plants and trees have sprouted

Bunmei ga motsu kage to hikari
The shadow and light of civilization
Subete wo mite ita taiju no uro de
In the hollow of the great tree that saw everything
Kimi wa nani wo shiru?
What do you understand?

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

"Nisen-nen... moshikuwa... ni-man-nen-go no kimi e..."
In 2000 years… Or perhaps…. To you, 20.000 years later…

Translations from: Okashi-Nara
 

Sabar dan Ikhlas adalah Harta Berharga yang dapat Kita Minta dan Miliki

Dan benar adanya. Selama ini, ada luka dan sakit hati terhadap suatu kejadian atau kepada seseorang yang aku simpan, bahkan ada masa dimana luka itu menjadi dendam dan membuatku bersikap buruk terhadapnya. Dan aku selalu mengatakan pada diriku bahwa yang kurasakan adalah hal valid dan yang kulakukan adalah hal yang pantas mereka dapatkan. Tapi, seiring berjalannya waktu, toh menyakiti orang lain tidak membuatku merasa lebih baik. Tidak membuatku lebih baik pula dari mereka. Lalu suara-suara di hatiku memintaku berdoa kepada Allah SWT agar luka di hatiku ini disembuhkan, dan dendam apapun yang tersisa di dalamnya dihilangkan, agar aku dapat memaafkan keadaan dan seseorang serta diriku sendiri. Tidak perduli apakah keadaan atau orang itu telah lebih baik kepadaku atau belum, aku hanya ingin diperkaya dengan kesabaran dan ketenangan apapun hal yang harus kuhadapi. 

Aku meminta kepada Allah bahkan dengan spesifik

Ya Allah, mudahkan hatiku menerima apapun takdir dan jalan hidup yang telah diberikan kepadaku. Ya Allah, aku memang menyimpan sakit hati yang besar pada seseorang, namun aku tidak ingin hidup membawa dendam atau kebencian, maka mudahkanlah aku untuk memaafkannya dengan lapang dada, ikhlas, dan tanpa ada sisa dendam sedikitpun, dan hanya Engkau sebaik-baik Penyembuh segala luka dalam diri ini.

Aku sering sekali mendengar bahwa rasa marah kita memiliki hak untuk dikeluarkan, bahwa kita berhak untuk mengungkapkan sakit hati kita daripada dipendam sendiri. Aku setuju dengan semua itu tentu saja, namun ketika aku melakukannya dan mereka sama sekali tidak memberikan kedamaian untukku, dan hanya memberikanku dendam dan amarah yang berkepanjangan, aku tahu bahwa itu bukan jalannya. Oleh karena itu aku mulai berdoa dan terus berdoa karena aku tahu, jika diriku tidak mampu menghapus segala luka hati dan amarah, maka Allah pasti mampu, apalagi aku memintanya, dan Allah akan menjawab setiap doa, bukan? 

Melatih kesabaran dan ikhlas adalah ilmu yang akan kita pelajari seumur hidup, dan tentunya jika kita terus berdoa agar sabar kita dapat terus terpupuk dan menjadi sifat kita yang abadi di dunia, Allah akan berikan. Dan aku saat ini tengah berada di titik dimana aku mampu mengingatkan diriku untuk bersabar dan berlapang dada. Untuk tidak mendahulukan emosiku lagi dan berpikir sejernih yang aku bisa. Dan ternyata kedua hal itu adalah salah satu harta paling mahal yang dapat kita miliki. 

Namun aku hanyalah manusia biasa yang tentunya akan mudah terombang-ambing. Oleh karenanya aku akan terus berdoa dan meminta agar sabar dan ikhlasku diluaskan, dipanjangkan, dan dijadikan sifatku dalam setiap masalah yang kuhadapi. Dan sifat sabar dan ikhlas adalah hal yang harus kita minta dari Allah, dan tentunya akan Allah berikan jika kita pun terus berusaha menjaga sifat-sifat itu dalam diri kita.

Karena segala kesulitan dan kemudahan adalah bagian hidup dan hidup ini terlampau singkat untuk kita sia-siakan jika kita memenuhinya dengan emosi dan amarah. Dan percayalah bahwa dengan memiliki sabar dan ikhlas, kita akan dapat melihat sulit dan mudahnya hidup dengan cara yang lebih bijaksana dan memudahkan kita menemukan solusi atas setiap masalah.

Semoga kita senantiasa diberikan harta sabar dan ikhlas dalam diri kita

Hidup bersama Duka

Menuju 14 hari semenjak adikku pergi selamanya dari dunia ini, dan aku masih belum tahu bagaimana duka ini akan mereda. Aku bisa menjalani hari-hariku dengan biasa, melakukan aktivitas dengan biasa, dan aku sendiri heran, kekuatan darimana yang menguatkanku. Tentu saja dari Allah, satu-satunya tempatku menggantungkan semua kelemahan dan kesedihanku. Namun, meski semua terasa sama, aku tahu bahwa semuanya telah berubah sekarang. Menyadari bahwa adikku tak lagi ada di dunia yang sama denganku adalah duka terbesar yang kualami selama hidup, dan membayangkan bahwa aku akan mengalami duka yang sama jika suatu hari aku merasakan kehilangan orang-orang terkasih lagi... Mungkin hidup memang seperti ini adanya. Hasil usaha kita untuk terus bertahan ditengah kesedihan dan ujian tanpa pernah menyerah, berusaha jangan sampai hilang arah.

Aku terbiasa ditinggal kakak dan adikku pergi jauh dari rumah untuk waktu yang lama. Mereka berdua pernah kost untuk beberapa tahun, dan adikku sering menginap di rumah temannya seminggu. Tapi ternyata sama sekali tidak sebanding dengan mengetahui bahwa dia tak lagi ada, tak bisa lagi kurusuhi ketika aku sedang berdebat dengan mama, tak bisa kuomeli ketika aku sedang gemas saat cuci piring sendirian, ketiadaannya di rumah kami hingga saat ini membuat perbedaan yang begitu besar untuk kami semua. Aku tidak berani tidur di kamarku bukan karena rasa takut akan hantu atau semacamnya. Aku takut dengan diriku sendiri, dan kesedihan yang akan diam-diam menghampiriku jika aku sendiri di kamarku. Aku dan Mama selalu tidur bersama di ruang keluarga, melakukan semua bersama jika aku di rumah. Kami berdua dulu selalu bertiga dengan adikku sejak kakakku menikah dan memulai hidup barunya meski kami sering bertemu di akhir pekan. Namun, ketiadaan adikku yang kini selamanya membuat kami harus saling menguatkan. Entah sampai kapan duka ini akan ada bersama kami. Mungkin selamanya. 

Aku tahu bahwa kita tidak boleh berlarut dalam kesedihan. Namun siapalah aku, tak bisa mengendalikan otakku sendiri ketika ia tiba-tiba memutuskan untuk memainkan kenangan bersama adikku di waktu yang tidak terduga. Mungkin sebagai manusia, kita memang harus terus meminta kekuatan dan ketegaran, karena duka kehilangan orang yang begitu berharga bagi kita adalah selamanya. Di masa-masa tertentu, ia membaik, dan kita merasa bisa melaluinya, dan di waktu yang lain, ia menguasai kita kembali, dan hanya doa yang bisa kita panjatkan kepada-Nya agar kita tidak silap mata dalam duka.

Aku masih terus dan terus belajar hidup tanpa ada penyesalan. Hidup bersama duka tanpa dilemahkannya. Karena hanya itu satu-satunya yang bisa kulakukan. Untuk tidak menyerah, untuk tegar, karena kesedihan akan terus datang, namun hidup ini berputar, dan aku percaya kebahagiaan juga akan selalu mengiringiku dan menguatkanku karena aku telah berusaha.

Juli dan Perpisahan

Juli ini begitu berat. Perpisahan kualami lagi, meski kali ini bukan selamanya (insha Allah), tapi tetap saja, ada rasa sedih ketika kita harus berpisah dengan seseorang yang membuat sebuah tempat terasa seperti rumah. Di usia ini, sulit bagiku untuk menemukan teman baru yang bisa menjadi sahabat, tapi aku menemukannya di tempatku bekerja sekarang. Aku memanggilnya Kak Iin, dan dia memanggil aku (dan semua juniornya) Adek. Kita kenal sejak 2021 saat pertama memulai bekerja di Proyek Kementerian ini, lalu ternyata dia dan aku sama-sama Taurus dan tanggal lahir kita berdekatan, kita lulusan kampus yang sama, dan yang paling penting, dia adalah orang yang baik dan mau mengenalku dengan sabar, karena butuh sangat lama untukku bisa mengenal orang, tapi dia memahami sisi introvert dan diamku dan tidak pernah menganggapku aneh dengan kediamanku. Akhirnya secara natural terasa begitu mudah mengobrol dan menjalin pertemanan dengannya dan bekerja sama untuk berbagai urusan kantor pun sangat nyaman. Istilahnya, kantorku jadi terasa nyaman karena ada teman yang begitu baik disini.

Hari ini Kak Iin resign untuk mengejar mimpinya yang lain di tempat kerja yang dia impikan, dan aku sangat senang untuknya, tapi juga merasa sedikit kesepian, dan kantor dimana aku selalu merasa ada comfort zone untuk berbincang kecil sekarang sudah tidak ada lagi. Mengingat diriku yang seperti ini, mungkin kita juga akan jarang sekali untuk bisa bermain diluar karena rumah kami sangat jauh, tapi tidak apa-apa. Inilah hidup, ada pertemuan dan perpisahan, dan selama kita masih sama-sama di bumi, semoga kita bisa terus menjaga silaturahmi.

Good luck ya Kak Iin! Semoga kali ini benar-benar bisa menikmati pekerjaan impiannya, dan terima kasih sudah mengajarkan aku makan banyak buah-buahan, dan berbagai kebaikan lainnya ke aku selama disini. See you when I see you!

Sampai Nanti, De Nanda!

De Nanda... 7 hari sudah berlalu sejak lo kembali ke sisi Allah SWT pada 18 Juli 2023, tepat di hari ulang tahun kakak kita, dan meski gue sudah mengikhlaskan, tapi ternyata rasa sedih dan duka itu masih tetap terasa sangat berat. Duka dan sedih ini adalah yang paling berat yang pernah gue alami seumur hidup. Gue masih belum bisa membayangkan bagaimana orang-orang akhirnya bisa berdamai dengan duka kehilangan seseorang yang hidup begitu dekat dengan mereka, kehilangan orang yang berada di sisi lo sejak ia lahir hingga dewasa. Gue mencoba mengambil langkah-langkah untuk berdamai dengan duka itu, tapi sepertinya akan butuh waktu yang nggak sebentar. Sebesar itu tempat yang lo isi dalam hidup gue, hidup Mama, Mas Inu, Papa, dan keluarga serta teman-teman lo. You were the center of our lives. You were the reason why there was laughter in our house. You were the one that gives the perfect balance in our family. So now that you're gone, how do we even fill the place you left? 

Seringkali gue masih dipenuhi penyesalan, seandainya gue mengambil tindakan yang berbeda saat lo sakit, apakah lo masih akan bersama kita sekarang? Apakah lo tidak akan merasakan sakit yang berat? Jujur, gue masih nggak bisa kalau harus mengingat masa-masa terakhir lo bersama gue dan Mama. Gue ternyata selemah ini, dan lo adalah orang yang sepenting itu dalam hidup gue. Tapi takdir begitu lucu, di saat gue dipenuhi penyesalan, gue menemukan tulisan lo tentang betapa lo tidak suka berlarut dalam penyesalan, karena setiap orang akan terus menghadapi berbagai keadaan dimana mereka harus mengambil keputusan dan tindakan. Terkadang mereka benar, terkadang mereka salah, dan mereka akan terus mengalami penyesalan, tapi jangan sampai penyesalan itu menjadi fokus hidup kita. Mungkin Allah menuntun gue untuk menemukan tulisan lo itu agar gue bisa bersabar dan meringankan rasa sesal gue. Allah Maha Baik ya Dek...

Dek... gue percaya kok bahwa Allah SWT adalah sebaik-baik tempat kembali, dan insha Allah lo akan sangat bahagia disana. Akhirnya lo bisa menanyakan langsung pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang ingin lo dapatkan jawabannya dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik pemberi jawaban. Gue dan semuanya disini masih berduka, masih kehilangan, entah sampai kapan. Tolong doakan kami yang masih berada di dunia ini ya agar kuat dan tegar dan tidak hilang arah dalam menghadapi kesedihan sebesar apapun. Di dalam diri gue, ada rasa ingin sekali segera bertemu lagi sama lo, mendengarkan lawakan lo lagi, komentarin hal-hal random, ngetawain hal-hal sepele, tapi gue janji gue nggak akan gelap mata. Gue akan memaksimalkan hidup gue disini sampai nanti kita akhirnya bisa ketemu lagi. Dan semoga kita dipertemukan kembali di sisi terbaik Allah SWT ya Dek. 

Gue sayang banget sama lo. Gue kangen banget sama lo. Tapi gue akan hidup. Gue nggak akan memohon agar hidup gue berakhir lagi. Gue akan berjuang. Lo nggak usah khawatir, gue akan jagain Mama sebaik-baiknya, kita akan hidup sebaik-baiknya. Lo yang tenang disana. Dan insha Allah kita semua akan kumpul lagi nanti dengan cara terbaik. Sampai nanti, De Nanda. Adik kesayangan gue (karena cuma satu hehe), sahabat lawak gue, dan anggota keluarga yang paling disayangi semua orang. Sampai ketemu lagi di waktu terbaik nanti.

Dear, Nanda!

Right now, you're laying on the hospital bed trying your best to heal again, to survive, to win this battle. I couldn't say how proud I am of you and your perseverance. Please know that you will always have me and our family on your side. You're not fighting this journey alone. We are with you through every step of the way. If Allah SWT wills it, we will definitely win this battle and reach your best health once again. And I trust Allah the most that nothing but blessings that He will pour into you and us. This is the journey that's meant to be taken together, all of us, with you. Please know that your strength and perseverance is amazing, you will get through it again and again and we will return to our happy normal days soon.

Let's go to culinary trips as a journey for your recovery, I can't wait to taste many many foods with you and gain weight together, then let's exercise and then eat and exercise again all our lives. You have bright future and a long journey you are ready to take, I can't wait to cheer you on in those journeys. Get well soon, my little sneaky cheeky brother, we miss you a lot. So many love you, so many laughed because of of you, so many cheers and pray for you. I can't wait to see you again!

Live on Saturn Concert in Jakarta

On February 4, 2023, I watched Jeff Satur's solo concert, Live on Saturn, in Jakarta, which marks the first-ever solo tour he ever held. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to me this year (yes, I know the year has just only begun, but I know that it's the best thing that ever happened to me this year! 😂)

the view from my seat

Short introduction about Jeff Satur: he's a singer, music producer, composer, and actor from Thailand. He's got one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard, so it didn't take long for me to become a fan once I saw his song cover on YouTube and watched him sing in his drama series. And the songs he wrote and produced are all so good too. If you're interested to know, some of my songs recommendations from him are Comedy, Stranger, Fade, Moment, Loop, Why Don't You Stay, Hide... (ok, I need to stop myself right here, or else I'll write his whole music discography 🙈)

Btw, it was thanks to my friend, Iqbal, who made it possible to watch this concert. I was broke, and the ticket started being sold on December 22, and I didn't have enough money to purchase it, but my friend who happened to work in this concert and ticketing business offered me a possible way to purchase it through him, so I will be forever grateful. Thank you, bro! ❤

It's been 11 years since my first and last proper concert, the Westlife concert I wrote about in this blog, too, so I was kinda clueless about what kind of look would be proper for a concert. I thought I went overboard with my makeup, but everyone wore so many amazing outfits and makeup when I got to the concert venue (Balai Sarbini). They truly dressed up to express themselves in the best way possible for this concert, and it's a such amazing sight to see. I was genuinely surprised and amazed by the effort from everyone.

I also met my Twitter friend whom I know from Saturdayss fandom (Jeff Satur's fandom name), and maybe it's because we've been talking for months on Twitter about Jeff and many other stuffs, so it doesn't feel awkward at all when we first met 😆

The whole concert experience was amazing. I've been watching Jeff's live performance on other people's fancams or videos, and I know this man is one high-quality musician who gives nothing but the best performance someone could give. It was the reason I started becoming his fan because I saw how fun and amazing he always is when he's performing on stage, so being able to experience it in real life was a truly one-of-a-kind experience. Despite his busy schedule, he sounds like he's in the best shape that night. His vocal sounds amazing, his band sounds amazing too, and he performed 20 songs that night, and not even a single song ever missed anything. He also performed a classic Indonesian song, "1000 Tahun Lamanya" which he's been singing since around 2019 when he used to do a live cover on his social media, and his pronunciation is amazing too. Also, the way he performed this song with his little dance is so cute, I always love how he does it whenever he sings. It's like watching a music personification in one man and that is Jeff Satur for me 😣

 

It always amazes me how much effort he's willing to give to appreciate every place he visits for a tour/concert. He's been on tour with his drama series team since last year, and he always makes sure to perform one classic/famous song from each country, which I find so amazing because it means he always has to memorize the lyrics in different languages and also learned its melody, and he never performed all of those songs half-heartedly too. From watching him in that one year since I discovered him, I know he's an artist who gives his all in performing, and that's why I knew that this concert would be totally worth it. So glad that I was right about that 😄

I didn't take many fancams tho, because my cellphone camera isn't really in a quality to take good fancams, so I just decided to enjoy the whole thing without using my cellphone too much. There are other fans who recorded good fancams already anyway 😁

 

Another thing that makes this concert memorable is how intimate it feels. Balai Sarbini made it possible for fans from every section to get a good look at Jeff, and Jeff always tried his best to look at every section and interact with the audience. His small talk, jokes, and motivational speech are mixed so amazingly, which makes it never boring to watch him even when he's not singing. He makes everything enjoyable and intimate with us. No wonder the fans can't move on even after two weeks after this concert is over 😭

Actually, there are so sooo many moments I would like to share, but I think I would end up writing the whole concert minutes instead, lol, so let's just keep those in my memories. Another unique thing new to me is getting all these freebies that fans made and shared for free in the venue. I didn't get a lot because I didn't come early, so most of the freebies already ran out, but I still got a few. It's amazing that there are fans who put so much effort into making all these to share with each other for free. Apparently, sharing freebies like this has been common in Thailand and K-Pop concerts, but this is something that I experienced for the first time at my big age, so it feels amazing 😁

This concert feels magical to me. I thought I would hate the crowded place because I went to watch this alone. My introverted self was anxious about being in a place with many people. But it turns out to be one of the best days ever. I initiated many small talks and conversations with fans in the concert venues, something I thought I was too scared to do. And the whole concert experience made me feel that maybe life is worth fighting for if it means I will experience this concert again in the future. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to aim to live a bit longer if it means I will experience the joy of being in this kind of concert again. Honestly, I've been having suicidal thoughts more than necessary this year. I even marked a year and a date and prayed to God to end my life at that time because I didn't dare to do it myself. I have been in such an awful state of mind since last year. But when I experienced this concert, the joy I felt lasted for days and even weeks until today. I still have very vivid memories of that day and how much I enjoyed it. It makes me feel like I found a new reason to live and to try again. If this kind of expensive event can give me such amazing happiness that could last for days and weeks, I think I wouldn't mind working harder and living longer so I will experience it again one day. This may sound exaggerated on my part, but this is what I really feel. Of course, I wouldn't go overboard or be depressed if I couldn't experience it again in the future because we can't expect what's gonna happen. But right now, in this very moment, maybe what I really need is that small hope, that small goal to aim for this momentary happiness, so I won't lose to my dark thoughts and sadness. Maybe for now, that's all that matters, a newfound will that will keep us going.

Being an Adult with all its problems...

I wish I never knew how expensive to afford living. All those payments we need to pay monthly for the rest of our lives, the cost of those foods. And with such minimum incomes... I started to understand why people questioning whether life is worthy for all these efforts just to stay alive. What do we gain from trying to pay for all these other than to avoid death? Death seems like an easier option, if I were not a Muslim, I'd probably choose that route. 

I understand why relationship could change because of economic problems. You really don't eat LOVE to stay alive. Parents who become depressed because they don't have enough to feed the whole family, I felt that now even though I'm not a parent, but responsibility for the whole family simply falls on me now. I can't really ask anyone for help because as I grow older, I realized that all of those I know also carry this burden, even sometimes, harder and heavier than me.

I want to find a purpose for living, but I barely managed to pass each day. When I read my blogs from 10 years ago, I was this young kid full of passions and dreams. I wonder where did she go. Why can't I believe in myself? I wonder if I really don't have desire for all those expensive things or did I choose to stop myself from wanting it cause I know they are hard to gain? Maybe deep down I know the answer, but the fear to confront what I really feel make me hate myself so much. I'm 30 now, and I still learn very slowly to love myself apparently. 

I want to change. Please... self, do something!

Going 30, Being Alone, or With Someone?

 It feels like the world keeps on moving, my days keep going like usual, I'm as busy as everyone else. I will be 30 this year, which shocks me because I started writing on this blog when I was still in high school. In this blog, I used to pour everything I felt, from sadness to happiness to what I love and hate. But as I grow older, I kinda stop myself from doing that. The fear of troubling anyone who read this blog if they read my nonsense sadness and the realization that I am no longer a kid, so I should stop sharing everything I feel here, is one of the reasons I stopped. It's funny... I don't think I've changed. I just learned to shut my feeling up. To stop making a big deal of everything. To stop being dramatic. I keep telling myself that I'm no longer at the age where I can pour my feelings and complaints on social media, including this blog, even though I doubt that anyone ever read this blog anymore. 

My life so far is fine. I gained like 5kg within 6 months, which makes me feel healthier than I used to be. I do things at my own pace. Nothing goes awfully wrong or things like that. So, I keep wondering what this emptiness I'm feeling is? Why haven't I changed? Is it the pressure of marriage, of having someone, that comes from my surroundings, that makes me feel like I may want a life partner? Or is it my real desire to have one?

I've always been fine being by myself. I've been sleeping in my bedroom alone for so long, the thought of having a life partner and sharing a bed with them is kinda scary to me, but at the same time, there are times when I also long to have what those happy-looking married couples have. But I don't even trust myself with such commitment or believe that I deserved that. Over the years, my trust in men has kept decreasing. I don't really like men. Only a few men I met in real life are actually kind and decent, but most of the men I ever encountered left me traumatized and scarred. It makes me scared to think that I should spend the rest of my life with one, but at the same time, I also long for that feeling of being cherished. Being together. Is it my true feeling to want to have someone, or is it because of the pressure from my surrounding who seem happy when they married, and the society who thinks unmarried women are not decent? I have all these worries in mind, yet I also don't feel like I can't survive without one. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just want to let my feeling out for once.  Maybe I will delete this post later when I already feel better. 

Anyway, it's good to be back and write some of my thoughts here. I miss it. Maybe I should make it regularly without caring for someone judging my life or my thoughts anymore. We're adults anyway. We don't care about anyone else. Just being able to survive another repetitive day is already an accomplishment, don't you think?

Oh God... I'm so bored.

Two Polar Opposites in Love and Passions that Makes You Believe in Love Again - Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte (J-Drama)

Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte | There's a Reason for the Love I'm Wearing

Hello... It's been a while (a few years to be exact) since the last time I watched J-Drama... I think the last time I watched a Japanese drama was around 3 years ago and after that... I'm not sure what I have been watching or enjoying during the time of my hiatus from J-Drama. Maybe I was more into anime and Thai series during that period of time. And since my work at the office has been quite loose lately, I have some free time to watch 1 or 2 episodes of a series per day, and I randomly picked Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte or Kikazaru Koi for short, to try watching because I always love Kawaguchi Haruna's acting, and although I have never watched any of Yohokama Ryusei's dramas before, his face is really familiar and got me curious. After I finished watching it, it turns out to exceed my expectation. Let's say I thought I'd rate this drama 8/10 at most, but it turns out to be 10/10. This drama tells a story of two main leads with polar opposite personalities as well as completely different principles and values from each other. How? Oke, let's talk about it~

GIF by grrrlsoverdramas on Tumblr

Mashiba Kurumi (Kawaguchi Haruna), our heroine for Kikazaru Koi is career women with tremendous works to do, super-busy women, a perfectionist, determined, and her life always revolve around gadgets, cellphone, and social media because of her profession as Public Relation Officer in el Arco Iris, a company engaged in interior design and interior shop. To help in promoting goods and stuffs produced and sold by her company, Mashiba uses her personal Instagram to share interesting collections and stuffs that she likes, and it's not limited to fashion, she also shares some unique goods, decorations, and things related to interior design. After 5 years of diligently posting and creating beautiful content in her personal IG, Mashiba reaches 100k followers which made her being recognized as a social media influencer. Mashiba is known for her good taste in many things and she aims to become a Buyer in the future just like her Boss whom she's been admiring (read: secretly in love with) since a long time ago. Mashiba also really enjoys and loves her work. However, there is something she really wants to do besides her work and that is to explore the world to look for beautiful and unique things to collect and share with the world.

"While thinking of that someday, I am chased by miscellaneous things. The truth is that I want to go and see the stuff that I find nice." - Mashiba Kurumi

Some useful tips I gathered from Mashiba's profession to help to increase our social media engagement are: post an IG (Instagram) Story or an IG post at least 3 times a day, during 6 to 8 AM commuting time when people are mostly going to work, during lunchtime at 12 AM to 1 PM, and during golden hours at 7 PM to 10 PM when people are returning home. Mashiba even has an alarm for a reminder to do all of those social media activities and now I kinda follow her steps by setting an alarm to post on my friend's fashion brand's social media which I help to manage. The alarm is really useful for my forgetful self.

Kawaguchi Haruna as Mashiba always wears so many beautiful outfits which makes me want to shop for new clothes so I could go to work in my level 10 and have my wardrobe filled with my favorite things too. And her portrayal as Mashiba is so good here. I guess this is by far my favorite role from her.

GIF by movielosophy on Tumblr

Fujino Shun (Yokohama Ryusei), the total opposite of Mashiba who is glued to her gadget and cellphone, it's been a few years since the last time Shun stopped using his cellphone. When most people nowadays mostly have their eyes glued to their cellphone in the bust or commuter line or wherever they are, Shun prefers to enjoy the scenery and everything around him and talking with strangers he met on his way. Shun manages a food truck named Fuji Bal all by himself. Shun is a professional chef specially for Spanish Cuisines, but due to some things in the past, he stopped working as a professional chef and decided to start and manage an independent business through his food truck where he can travel to many places and serve the foods to many people as free as he wants. Shun is a free soul, he doesn't like being tied to rules or values which doesn't suit him and he doesn't care about other people's opinion. Those who see Shun from the outside will think that Shun enjoys his life to the fullest with his carefree self, but the truth is, Shun has many regrets from the past which he still unable to let go of until now.

"No matter how depressed you get about the outside world... Even if things don't go the way you want it to, it will be fine as long as you have all this. The sky, water, and air..." - Fujino Shun

This is the first time I watched Yokohama Ryusei and he's already impressed me a lot. I really like his portrayal as Shun who is so cheerful, extrovert, and bubbly, while Ryusei himself is a total introvert who's very quiet in real life. His switch from Ryusei to Shun is amazing, he looks so natural. Will totally check more of Yokohama Ryusei's dramas in the future!

Mashiba's room and Shun's room

When a perfectionist social media influencer and a simple minimalist meet and live together...

One of the most interesting things from this drama is seeing how opposite the values that Mashiba and Shun hold. This becomes so clear when destiny decided to make these two live together under the same roof of a Share House owned by their friend, Kouko-san, a middle-aged woman who lives with only her dog, Kouji. Let's elaborate it a little bit:

💄 Mashiba's room is full of pretty clothes and things she collects. If she likes something, she will immediately buy it and share it on her social media.

👓 Shun only has a few clothes and two chairs in his room. He's a minimalist who only keeps the things he treasures the most and never wants to get attached to something.

💄 Mashiba has to prepare her look and nails for hours after she got home and before she's going to work. Mashiba says that she has to be on LEVEL 10 when she goes outside no matter for what occasion. She must always look presentable.

👓 Shun doesn't care about appearance or anyone's opinion about him. His working outfit and his stay-at-home outfit are the same, no matter what occasion it is. 

💄 Mashiba is all about perfect planning and preparation. When she does something, she put all of her best effort into it.

👓 Shun is all about spontaneous action and go with the flow type of person.

💄 Due to her work as a social media influencer and managing the company's social media, Mashiba always feels that she always has to be ready 24/7 to work even during her off days.

👓 Shun doesn't want his resting time being disturbed by his work. He separates his on and off days.

There are still many things I'd like to list, to be honest, but those are pretty much sum up how the heaven and earth differences that Mashiba and Shun possessed cause them to bicker and fight in the beginning.... because the values and principles they hold are very different from each other. What I really love about Kikazaru Koi is how those differences didn't make the couple have never-ending misunderstandings, Mashiba and Shun instead keep learning to understand and to respect each other because they actually communicated in a healthy way (yes guys, communication actually works... can you believe that? 😭), they explain to each other every time they face problems or have a different opinion until they both reach mutual understanding. For example, when Mashiba doesn't force Shun to use his cellphone again and only suggest him why she would like him to use it sometimes when they cannot meet in person, and although in the beginning, Shun said he doesn't want to be tied by any social rules or things like that, in the end, he decided to use his cellphone again because he wants to communicate with those who are precious for him.

GIF by seawherethesunsets on Tumblr

Mashiba and Shun learn to understand that principles and values they hold, even when they're different, they are what's best for them as an individual, then they also learn to adapt and share each other's values when they learn that it's useful for their growth. For example, Mashiba learns to separate her work hours and her resting time, that it is okay for her sometimes to let loose and be casual sometimes when she's tired, and to enjoy the things around her and doing a social media detox when she needs it sometimes.

Shun also learns that it isn't a bad thing if we sometimes are mindful of other people's opinion and feelings, especially those things can be useful and help his growth and come from those who love him and cared for him. Shun also start to be braver and taking more challenges to improve himself and face his past regrets and mistakes head-on after he saw how Mashiba never gives up and always gives her 100% effort in everything, of course, Shun adapted some of Mashiba's values without losing the core of his own values and personality who still loves freedom above anything else. 

Amazing development both in characters and relationship between each character 

Another thing that I really love from Kikazaru Koi is how every character plays a significant role, how everyone has their own imperfection as well as their own strength in such a realistic way, and how everyone has an amazing character growth without losing their own values as well. 

They have satisfying development in term of relationship between each character as well... in the beginning, despite living in the same Share House, they all are such individual people, only think of themselves and mind their own business, then slowly they start to open up to each other and care of each other and eventually become a strong support system for each other. The growth in their relationship is also shown in such a realistic way, it wasn't being rushed, it makes us feel like we are also being drawn into their growing friendship that keeps getting stronger and stronger in every episode.

Their individual worries and struggles as 27+ yo adults and older is something that I can truly relate to. Surprisingly... I feel like I can understand all of them, or I can see a bit of myself in each of them. So, when I watch how they slowly overcoming those worries and struggles, it feels like I'm getting a warm hug from them too.

Special Mention and Appreciation to the 2nd Male Lead

Mashiba Kurumi's 1st love and someone he looks up to, President Hayama Shogo (Osamu Mukai) has such a powerful presence in the series, not in a love rival kind of way that makes you hate him... but he actually makes you feel inspired. More than Shun's rival or Mashiba's 1st love, Hayama Shogo is more like a teacher for everyone and becomes the key that opens up the door of courage for Mashiba and everyone around him to start doing what they love. His adventurous and spontaneous soul is very similar to Shun, while his persistence and love for beautiful and unique products and things and his dream to support creators are similar to  Mashiba... He's always on his journey to find new treasures. Of course, there are things he has to sacrifice too but he lives his life to the fullest, finding the things he loves. Hayama also put important values in the company he leads and the things he sells... like how he wants to keep supporting eco-friendly products, how to help the original creator, and to put meaning in the things he sells and shares... these are the things that Mashiba learns from him and helps Mashiba to reach to this point of success. 

"If you only want to do things when that someday comes, such someday will not come. I only have now to do it!" - Hayama Shogo
___

GIF by maggiezw2 on Tumblr

With such a powerful 2nd male lead, don't worry... Mashiba and Shun are also powerful as individuals and as couples and Kawaguchi Haruna and Yokohama Ryusei really have amazingly natural chemistry when portraying them. Sure, they both have their imperfection and strength too, and the heaven and earth differences that they both have may seem like something that will not work out in a relationship,  but you know what makes Kakazaru Koi amazing? These two actually work for their relationship and communication and for each other. Even when they probably couldn't understand the problem that they face in their job because they are in different fields of work, or when they can't understand the different values they have and why those things could make them feel worthless or sad, they are trying to cheer each other up every time with real action. Both of them are doing their best to reach their best potential for their own happiness so they will be able to stand by each other's side. Every episode always makes me feel like I'm getting the warmest hug... It's really one of the best things I've watched in a while and I feel like I will go back to this drama whenever I feel down. So many amazing lessons in each episode which you can relate and make you feel like you're getting a gentle push in the back when you feel down. I'd recommend Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte to everyone I know for real... Jk. 

But seriously, give Kikazaru Koi a try and I promise it will be worthy of your time. The colors are so pretty, the foods, the fashion, the paintings, and things that Mashiba collects and shares in the drama are pretty too, and she makes it seem like making a pretty IG Story is fun. Mashiba and Shun have one of the most natural interactions and chemistry I've seen in Jdramas or any dramas. It's really nice to watch them in love and make me feel single but I'm okay with that. I'll let their romance and love fill the void inside my heart 😭

GIF by seawherethesunsets on Tumblr

I hope you enjoy this longer-than-originally-planned review. Have a nice day and let's wish we will find our own Mashiba or Shun in our lives ❤

2021... Hello~

2021

Oh wow... I only wrote one post last year and it's my farewell post for Wicak 😢 It has been a year already since he passed away. I hope you are resting in peace and happiness, there, my friend!

So, how about me? Well, nothing much has changed except that this year, I finally stepped out of my hikikomori life. I got a job, a real one which required me to go outside of my house and be in the office from 8 AM to 5 PM. It was one of the biggest decisions I made and I am grateful that at this age, I still got the opportunity to work. Although it was super hard to get used to the new environment and new people due to my anxiety, I even had mild depression during the first month I started working which I tried so hard to hide, but I think I get better little by little. My new colleague is one of the kindest persons I've met and she's a Taurus like me, and we happened to graduate from the same uni. She is one year older than me and another funny coincidence is, she was a classmate of my ex-boyfriend. The world is small indeed 😂

As we all already know, in 2020, the world has to face and still continue to face the pandemic of covid-19 to this day. I'm genuinely grateful that I still get the opportunity to work amid this pandemic. Allah is so kind to me and I'm not sure if I deserved it or not. I just want to support my family, that's all.

What else? Ah right... My big brother got married this year as well so I finally got a sister after being the only daughter between two sons for 29 years. And my sister-in-law is super kind and very friendly too, she is like the total opposite of my brother lol. I mean, my brother is friendly but my sister-in-law is on another level of friendly 😂

To be honest, I'm still not sure what I want to aim for in life. What is my goal exactly? I just know that once my brother married, then I should be ready to take care of my family fully. Of course my brother still helps from time to time, but both me and my mom agree not to bother him with things at home as much as we can. So that's what pushed me to finally stop my hikikomori life and start living a better life. I don't know if I'm doing any better though. I have a fixed income each month now and that's good, but this is a contract job so I will eventually have to look for a new job again sometime in the future like a year or 4 years from now (if the contract got extended). I know it's still a long way to go but I can't help but think about it. Oh well... Let's just try to save as much money as we can until the day comes and worry about it later. 

I hope this pandemic will be over and the world will be healed soon. Take care of yourself, wear a mask and carry hand sanitizer everywhere you go, be careful and be mindful of everything to make sure that you or the people you love will be safe from this virus. Stay safe 💗

PS: I changed my blog username after years. I like my name a lot so I kinda want to put it in everything I have now hehe. 

Wicak

We met in 2014 when I was suddenly dragged into this so-called weird family by our multitalented best friend, Bayu. Since then, we can no longer count how many times we hang out together. There were some years where my days were only filled with you and our group of friends. We really thought to ourselves that we are the most talented group of friends ever exists. Just like what Sheila on 7 said, "The arrogance in our beautiful youth..."

It was in May 2014, our first hangout at Kota Tua, I didn't know you that well back then. You were just one of my juniors that I didn't bother to remember at that time. I only went along because Bayu dragged me to join you guys. I remember you asked me to take a picture with you because it's a rare chance to hang out with a senior, especially a cantora. In your mind, cantora or anything related to the Department of Artistic is awesome, right? 😂

Anyway, we took one picture together. It was our first ever photo, I think. 

Who would have thought that after that, we would have countless pictures together and become closer than ever? You become one of the few people I felt closest to. 

I know 2020 will be a bad year for all of us, but I never expect it would be this bad for me and all of us. We lose our best friend. We lose you. I still feel it's so unreal. It's like you're not really gone and just went somewhere far away and someday we will meet again and laugh at our stupid memories. Except for this time, you won't return. You're already in a better place. You left us in such a beautiful month, in Ramadan. I believe it's because Allah loves you more. You've been such a good son and a good friend to us. In our last meeting a few months ago, you insisted that we should stay and chatted longer. You told us to cancel our online transportation order so we could chat longer. You said you would take the responsibility and took us home in your car. We ended up chatting until the restaurant closed. And you really did drove us home.

Your mother told us how happy you were on that day at our last meeting together. You told your mother all about it. Your mother remembers our names because you always told her how happy you were whenever you had the chance to meet us. And I'm still filled with regrets that I didn't reach out to you sooner. I wish I got to tell you that things will be okay every day until your last day and not just that day. I miss you a lot. You know well that I'm not good with people. I don't have many friends, so those who are able to climb the walls I built become so important to me, including you. 

Thank you for the beautiful memories. I miss you a lot, Cak. I never lose a best friend before. I don't know how long this emptiness will last. But I wish my prayer reach you. Thank you for your friendship. I will cherish it forever.

Broken Again

It is really scary... getting older. I thought I don't mind being alone and stay in my own world, but seeing so many of my friends finally get married and live what seems to be a wonderful marriage life makes me longing for someone too. I know better than anyone that getting married doesn't guarantee happiness. I'm the witness of a broken marriage, and yet I'm still longing for someone. I'm just getting more afraid to be alone, but I also don't want just anybody to keep me company.

And that's why I let myself get carried away with those kinds of feelings, knowing full well that maybe his company was only pity and kindness, not because I'm special or something. I know that really well, yet I'm still holding on to some hopes. That's why it's painful when I want to be near him, or hoping he will notice my loneliness and talk to me like always, he didn't. I'm reminded again that it was all mere kindness. He can't always be there for me. And I don't deserve any of those things after I pushed people away because of my own self-pity. 

I know that I need to change something about my anxiety, I should put more efforts, but I've built walls so thick around me, I'm afraid of getting my heart broken so I protected it, and yet I still got my heart broken again. I know my weaknesses and it is my own fault for being too afraid to change it. I won't burden anyone too much. I can't handle myself, how could I expect that someone else would? I'm already broken from the beginning, I always am broken inside and I shouldn't expect anyone to fix me.

Tuberculosis and Me

Seumur hidup, gue pernah beberapa kali mengalami penyakit yang bisa dibilang cukup parah. Tahun 2014, gue mengalami pembekuan darah merah dimana hal itu membuat gue kesulitan untuk bergerak dan selalu merasakan sakit di seluruh tubuh jika tersentuh sedikit aja oleh orang lain. Hal itu berlangsung selama beberapa bulan, udah pergi ke Dokter dan Laboratorium, nggak juga mendapatkan penyembuhan. Akhirnya pergi ke Alternatif dan seluruh tubuh gue disabet pake sapu lidi kecil. Kata Ustadnya sih menyabetnya pelan, tapi karena darah gue membeku, gue merasakan sakit yang luar biasa di seluruh tubuh gue. Selama dua jam lebih gue disabet dan gue nangis karena menahan rasa sakit, lalu setelah selesai, gue dikasih jamu dan beberapa bagian tubuh gue dibungkus pake plastik dengan sangat rapat. Nggak boleh dibuka hingga besok katanya. Besoknya setelah gue bangun tidur, plastik itu udah berubah warna dan menampung cairan berwarna merah pekat. Ternyata itu darah kotor yang membeku. Setelah itu, alhamdulillah tubuh gue kembali sehat dan bisa beraktivitas normal.

Tahun 2019 ini, gue kembali diuji dengan penyakit parah. Tubuh gue terdiagnosis terkena virus Tuberculosis atau yang lebih orang kenal dengan TBC. Penyakit ini mematikan karena membuat penderitanya menjadi sangat lemah dan pelan-pelan mereka nggak akan mampu melakukan apapun, lalu meninggal. Penyakit ini juga sangat mudah menular melalui batuk, bersin, dan berbicara karena dia ditularkan melalui dahak dan udara. Oleh karena itulah, banyak yang memiliki stigma negatif tentang pasien TBC dan malah menjauhi mereka karena takut akan tertular. Apalagi Indonesia menempati urutan ke-2 di dunia yang memiliki penyakit TBC. (Source: Kompas.com).

Sebelum resmi terdiagnosis TBC, gue memang mengalami tubuh menjadi sangat lemas. Gue bahkan nggak sanggup melakukan pekerjaan rumah seperti beres-beres saking lemasnya. Anehnya, meski makan sedikit karena selalu mual dan kadang muntah setelahnya, tingkat BAB (Buang Air Besar) gue justru bertambah, bisa 3x sehari dan bentuknya encer. Berat badan turun drastis dari 48 kg jadi 39 kg. Kata Mama, mata gue jadi cekung ke dalam saking kurusnya. Nafsu makan yang menurun ini berlangsung selama beberapa bulan, ditambah batuk yang gue diamkan meski tambah parah hingga sebulan lebih. Emang gitu anaknya.... suka menantang penyakit, sok kuat, merasa bahwa batuknya akan sembuh sendiri asal makan banyak dan nggak mau buang-buang uang (padahal nggak punya uang wkwk). 

Setelah 3 malam berturut-turut, gue mengalami batuk yang parah dan sulit berhenti, tubuh gue menjadi amat sangat lemas, gue akhirnya memutuskan berangkat ke Puskesmas untuk berobat. Diagnosis awal Dokter adalah infeksi Paru-Paru, lalu setelah menjalani tes dahak dan tes darah, tiga hari kemudian gue pun resmi terdiagnosis TBC. 

Mama yang menemani sepanjang proses pengobatan adalah yang paling panik dan overdramatik ketika mendengar diagnosis Dokter. Beliau ingat kalau dulu salah satu Asisten Rumah Tangga-nya juga pernah terkena TBC dan harus disuntik setiap hari, dan seluruh peralatan makannya harus dipisah. Gue dimarahi karena beliau sebenarnya merasa frustasi dan bersalah karena merasa gara-gara dia nggak merawat gue dengan baik, gue jadi sakit parah. Mama bahkan sempat merasa bahwa gara-gara kecerobohannya dia sehingga gue terlahir prematur, maka daya tahan tubuh gue jadi melemah. Tapi karena rasa sedih, frustasi, dan bersalah yang besar dalam waktu yang tiba-tiba itu, Mama jadi memarahi gue dalam kesedihannya sambil meyakinkan gue di saat yang bersamaan bahwa dia akan berusaha merawat gue hingga sembuh apapun caranya dan berapapun harganya. Jadi, Mama itu marah tapi sayang, dan gue jadi antara sedih dan senang menerima amarahnya, hehe.

Dokter TBC yang menangani gue bernama Reza. Dokter Reza menjelaskan bahwa tipe TBC (?) yang gue derita belum kronis, belum cukup parah dan gue masih bisa melakukan rawat jalan di rumah. Dokter Reza juga menegaskan kalau gue nggak perlu memisahkan peralatan makan selama dicuci bersih setelah digunakan. Penyakit TBC ini juga bukan dikarenakan seorang anak terlahir prematur, jadi Mama nggak perlu menyalahkan dirinya. Gue juga meyakinkan Mama bahwa daya tahan tubuh gue menurun memang karena kesalahan gue sendiri yang tidak cukup disiplin dalam menjaga gaya hidup. Makan sehari sekali, ngopi 3 kali, tidur pagi, nggak pernah olahraga, minum es mulu pula, hal-hal yang sudah seharusnya dapat gue kendalikan sebagai orang dewasa, jadi penyakit gue ini bukan karena Mama lalai dalam merawat gue, tapi gue sendiri yang acuh pada kesehatan. I think it is safe to say that I deserved this illness.

Alhamdulillah, pengobatan pasien TBC di Indonesia itu digratiskan oleh Pemerintah, jadi gue yang tidak punya BPJS ini hanya perlu membayar biaya tes laboratorium dan pengobatan awal. Pengobatan dan kontrol selanjutnya bebas biaya. Gue wajib minum 3 tablet merah khusus pasien TBC sekali sehari dan tidak boleh putus selama 2 bulan di jam yang sama. Waktu Ramadan, gue wajib meminumnya jam 2.30 pagi, lalu setelah Ramadan selesai, jadwal minum obat gue diubah menjadi jam 6 pagi. Kalau sampai satu hari aja kelewatan meminum 3 obat itu, gue harus memulai pengobatan dari awal dan kemungkinan akan berefek lebih parah di tubuh, dan mungkin gue harus disuntik setiap hari di Rumah Sakit, jadi gue berusaha keras mendisiplinkan diri untuk telaten minum obatnya, meski agak berat dikarenakan insomnia gue yang parah sih. Kadang kalau jam 3 pagi belum bisa tidur, gue akan panik takut kesiangan untuk bangun minum obat. Akhirnya gue berkorban nggak tidur aja sampai jam 6 pagi.

Sejak memulai pengobatan, lemas di tubuh gue jauh berkurang dan nafsu makan gue bertambah. Mama juga sangat luar biasa, beliau rela beli daging dan ayam yang mahal demi gue bisa makan sehat dan sesuai selera sesuai saran Dokter, padahal gue tahu keuangan keluarga sedang kurang baik, tapi Mama rela melakukan apapun agar anak-anaknya makan enak dan sehat. Berat badan gue pun naik 4 kg dalam 2 minggu dan hal itu memotivasi gue untuk makan banyak agar bisa mendapatkan berat badan normal lagi. She is my greatest support system during this illness indeed.

Penyakit ini juga membuat gue jauh lebih positif dan nggak mudah stress, anehnya gue sangat berusaha mendoktrin diri gue untuk tidak mudah ke-trigger stress kayak dulu-dulu karena gue ingin hidup dengan baik. Gue sudah merasa menjadi beban yang berat bagi keluarga dan gue nggak mau memperparah penyakit gue dengan stress dan depresi, jadi apapun keadaannya, gue harus bahagia. Wah, ternyata udah panjang banget tulisannya. Saking lamanya nggak nulis, entah kenapa ada banyak hal yang ingin disampaikan. Gue merasa menjalani hidup sebagai penderita TBC adalah salah satu fase penting yang harus gue abadikan untuk pelajaran di masa depan. Siapapun yang rela membaca ini hingga habis, terima kasih banyak dan mohon doa terbaiknya agar gue kuat menghadapi penyakit ini dan menuntaskan pengobatan hingga 6 bulan ke depan.

Stop Sharing

Apparently, knowing that you have always been considered as a burden by someone you love is really hurt. But then again, there is no one to be blamed except me for being a burden. And lately, even when I shared my anxieties and sorrows, it will become a burden too.

I wanted to be heard. I wanted someone to comfort me when I shared those sufferings, but what I got is a warning not to be weak and insecure. Sufferings, after all, should be kept to ourselves, right? No one should be burdened by our problems because they have enough on their own.

So, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to cause sadness and sorrow. And if by keeping all my problems and anxieties to myself will make the world around me happier, then it's okay for me to let all these thrashes get rotten alone inside of me.

Thank You, AIPA

Alhamdulillah, three months passed, and I was able to finish my internship at AIPA Secretariat. The earlier days were very shocking to me. I was just getting out from months of hibernation at home, I hadn't socialized with people for a long time. But at the same time, despite the difficulties, I was able to learn new things and skills.

While doing an internship at AIPA, I also learned a lot about myself and my weaknesses. I probably have aware of them but somehow always push them to the very end of my mind, 'cause they are all negative. I mean, just my usual thoughts on a daily basis already negative enough for me to handle. I realized that as I grow older, it's getting really really difficult to get to know new people. I didn't mean to do it, but somehow the wall between me and them is really hard to break for myself. I tried so hard to remind myself every time: join the conversation, make some compliments, laugh at their jokes, don't get busy with your own thought.

But the thing is... once there are more than 3 people in the circle, my mouth will automatically shut, especially when they're the hardcore extroverts who really love to talk. If everyone is already talking, then I don't feel the need to talk at all. Maybe because we haven't built a relationship that's close enough for me to be comfortable talking to them. But even just as a bystander, I still somehow enjoyed the time I had at AIPA, doing research, writing, and learn to create graphic design.

I always bring my own lunch because I don't have money to buy food. The only person whom I can comfortably talk with is Bu Nyoman, a 40+ years old mother who easily laughs and sat beside my desk. She is so cheerful and loves to tell the story about her daughter. Apparently, she finds me a really good listener for her because I actually caught all the details she told me. Bu Nyoman also always notice that I never went outside for lunch, so she started bringing me some snacks and foods every day. She is truly a mother. I was a little bit lonely today because she couldn't come to the office, but that's okay. She lives at Ciputat where almost all my friends lived so I will have a chance to visit her in the future.

The other thing that I learned is to properly greet everyone and say "Good Morning" and properly say "See you tomorrow...". Let me be honest with you. I always thought those greetings only happen in a movie. There was a time when I also try to look cheerful all the time because we had some party. Everyone was laughing and comfortably joking with each other and me trying to be a normal person, it would be rude if all I show is a dead face. So, I tried to laugh at some jokes. I'm not trying to fake myself, I just try my best to be polite. I ended up exhausted so much that I needed to go to the kitchen to have some alone time. Then, I decided to wash the dishes just so I can have an excuse to get out of the situation. It is really difficult to fit in, to join the crowd... So the fault is in me because I couldn't make myself comfortable around new people. So if I ended up didn't leave an impression, I couldn't blame anyone. The problem is within myself and I find it really hard to change that.

But there are moments that I genuinely enjoyed too. When some of my colleagues took me to karaoke, just a few numbers of people, and I was truly grateful.

Somebody told me that if you don't get anything valuables, you're beyond stupid if you choose to stay. I find it quite alright with just building a new relationship with new people and getting knowledge. And by making new friends, which I hardly ever done, is a form of blessing, isn't it? So no matter how exhausting it is for me to try to fit in (and failed miserably), no matter how exhausted I was, I'm still truly grateful for the time I had at AIPA. I was finally able to start something and properly finish it and leave the place properly, saying goodbye properly. It is a big step at least for myself because I usually just decided to disappear and never say proper greeting or goodbye. So for all those things I learned, I thanked AIPA for that.

Magang di AIPA

Can you believe that 2018 is almost over? Ya Allah, udah membuat pencapaian apa aja ya tahun ini? Kok tau-tau udah hampir akhir November aja 😅

Hallo, apa kabar? Sudah lama nggak curhat disini, padahal dulu kalau ada apa-apa pasti larinya kesini. Semakin dewasa, semua semakin fokus dengan hidupnya sendiri. Bukan berarti itu hal yang negatif ya, justru semakin gue semakin memaklumi dan memahami orang-orang yang memutuskan fokus pada dirinya sendiri. Tingkat masalah, beban, depresi, dan stress kita semakin tinggi, dan yang menanggung semua itu adalah diri kita masing-masing dan kita nggak bisa selalu mengharapkan bantuan orang lain, apalagi kalau lo introvert akut kayak gue. Jangankan minta bantuan orang lain, menyapa "HAI" aja semakin tua semakin deg-degan rasanya, padahal muda dulu gue orangnya cukup agresif lho sampe bisa 3 tahun chatting sama stranger dan jatuh cinta, wkwk. Moonmaap ini kenapa jadi kesini sih, Den? Move on apa move on *efek nulis sambil dengerin OST Dilan 1990 💔  

Hmmm... pembukaannya jadi lebih panjang dan ngelantur dari yang gue rencanakan. Oke, kembali ke pencapaian 2018 yang hampir berakhir ini, selain keberhasilan gue mencapai wisuda setelah bertahun-tahun ngaret, akhirnya gue berhasil keluar dari zona nyaman gue dengan mengambil magang di AIPA Secretariat. Sejujurnya, sebelum di AIPA, gue beberapa kali nggak datang panggilan Interview kerja karena merasa takut ketemu orang. Seriusan. Di otak gue itu bayangannya seolah pas Interview, mereka akan menilai gue habis-habisan dan gue akan gagal karna nggak memenuhi syarat dll, padahal belum mencoba, udah overthinking duluan. Sedih 😢 

Gue apply magang di AIPA ini atas rekomendasi kakak gue yang bekerja di NGO (Non-Government Organisation) dan kebetulan persyaratannya sesuai dengan gue. Ya udah, iseng apply dan ternyata dipanggi Interview. Seperti biasa, penyakit overthinking nya muncul, tapi kali ini nggak bisa kabur karena diawasi kakak gue yang sepertinya sangat suportif (baca: maksa) dengan pilihan ini. Datanglah gue ke kantor AIPA yang ternyata letaknya satu wilayah dengan Gedung DPR-MPR RI. 

Gue cukup kaget dan merasa terintimidasi hanya dengan melihat lokasi gedungnya aja karena gue cuma baca kalau posisi kantor nya di Gedung Nusantara III. Ternyata Gedung Nusantara III itu bagian dari Gedung DPR-MPR RI. Tegang banget gue ketika masuk dari pintu gerbangnya dan menelusuri jalan masuk ke dalam yang lumayan jauh menuju AIPA, apalagi sistem keamanannya ketat. Tiap masuk pintu, ada security yang memeriksa tas mereka yang bukan pegawai. Makin deg-degan laaah...

Proses Interview nggak setegang yang gue bayangkan. Sejujurnya, gue merasa akan gagal sih karena ketika interview, gue entah sadar atau enggak memberitahu mereka kalau gue Introvert ketika mereka menanyakan kelemahan gue apa. Lalu mbak Ajeng, salah satu yang interview gue bilang, "Introvert itu bukan kelemahan kok." Gue paham sih, tapi gue ngerasa gue memberikan bad impression dengan jawaban itu. Ditambah lagi ketika test desain grafis, gue nggak bisa menyelesaikannya on time karena laptop pinjaman gue nggak berfungsi, dan gue terpaksa meminta mereka mengizinkan gue mengerjakannya di rumah dan mengirim hasilnya ke mereka. Setelah semua proses itu, gue udah nggak terlalu berharap akan diterima magang, tapi beberapa hari kemudian gue dapat email yang menyatakan gue diterima. Jadi sejak tanggal 5 November 2018 lalu, gue sudah mulai magang di AIPA Secretariat dan meninggalkan rutinitas bangun sesukanya di rumah. Alhamdulillah, jangan? 😆

AIPA itu adalah kepanjangan dari ASEAN Inter-Parliamentary Assembly (AIPA), organisasi parlemen yang berfungsi sebagai pusat komunikasi dan informasi di antara Anggota Parlemen, yaitu 10 negara ASEAN. Detailnya bisa dibaca di sini. Gue sendiri masuk ke Departemen ICT (Information, Communication, and Technology) dan bertanggung jawab membuat konten media sosial AIPA beserta desain grafis yang mewakilinya. Ada 3 orang lagi di Tim ICT, namanya mbak Ajeng, mas Reski, dan mas Efran. Konten yang kita buat adalah segala sesuatu tentang negara-negara ASEAN. Antara sulit dan nggak sulit, sih karena tema per-hari nya udah ada, tinggal research aja dan membuat tulisan singkat padat jelas mengenai tema itu. Tapi, dikarenakan udah lama banget nggak nulis, gue cukup banyak melakukan kesalahan di tugas-tugas awal gue. 😌

Bagian tersulitnya bagi gue adalah membuat desain grafis yang mewakili kontennya. Memang sih, gue sempat belajar ilmu desain grafis Adobe Photoshop, tapi itu 3 tahun lalu ketika gue masih bekerja di Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta, itupun otodidak dan masih banyak skill-skill yang belum gue kuasai, sedangkan sejak berhenti, jarang banget tangan ini melakukan desain-desain itu kecuali untuk bikin fanart anime yang gayanya beda jauh dengan standar desain grafis AIPA 😅 Gue juga jadi menyadari sifat-sifat dalam diri gue yang mungkin sudah gue ketahui, tapi baru gue sungguh sadari ketika gue mulai bekerja di AIPA. Ketika membuat desain grafis, otak gue sangat mudah terdistraksi dari satu ide ke ide berikutnya, dan gue bisa menghabiskan berjam-jam bergulat dengan ide-ide itu aja sambil kebingungan karena nggak paham teori membuatnya di Adobe Photoshop. Atau paham, tapi nggak sepenuhnya sehingga hasil yang gue buat masih jauh dari yang ada di bayangan gue. Tugas-tugas itu sempat membuat gue stress banget karena berbagai revisi dan kritik selalu membuat gue merasa, "I'm not good enough for this job", padahal nggak jarang juga mereka memuji, tapi yang terngiang-ngiang di telinga gue cuma revisinya dan kritiknya. Duh, kurang-kurangin napa, Den.

Hal lain yang gue sadari dan cukup membuat gue terkejut adalah ketika gue dengan mudah bisa mengobrol dengan ibu Nyoman di hari pertama kerja, salah satu pegawai AIPA Secretariat yang senior, usianya udah mendekati usia nyokab gue. Gue yang butuh 3 tahun mengingat wajah seluruh teman sekelas gue ini waktu kuliah 😅 Beliau sangat ekstrovert tapi juga lugu dan polos, suka sekali ngobrol dan berbagi makanan dan gue nggak merasakan kecanggungan berbicara dengan beliau. Yang cukup melegakan adalah karena Tim ICT berkomunikasi lewat group WhatsApp meski kita satu ruangan, meja depan-depanan, untuk mendiskusikan konten dan desain grafis, gue lebih mampu menuliskan isi otak gue lewat tulisan dibanding bicara lansung, so that's a relief. Gue juga jadi banyak belajar informasi baru tentang negara-negara ASEAN and some of these informations are actually fascinating to learn so that's good.

Gue masih butuh banyak adaptasi dengan lingkungan baru dan rutinitas baru ini, tapi tujuan gue dari awal adalah satu: ingin belajar. Ada beberapa kerabat yang menanyakan, "Umur segini, kok, baru mulai magang?" Hal yang juga gue tertawakan ke diri gue sendiri, tapi ya mungkin memang begini jalannya. Setiap pertemuan dan perpisahan dalam hidup kita itu pasti ada maksud dan tujuannya. Insha Allah gue akan menjalani magang ini hingga Februari 2019. Semoga kali ini gue bisa menyelesaikannya hingga akhir dengan baik dan mengucapkan perpisahan secara proper tanpa ada penyesalan :")