Sampai Nanti, De Nanda!

De Nanda... 7 hari sudah berlalu sejak lo kembali ke sisi Allah SWT pada 18 Juli 2023, tepat di hari ulang tahun kakak kita, dan meski gue sudah mengikhlaskan, tapi ternyata rasa sedih dan duka itu masih tetap terasa sangat berat. Duka dan sedih ini adalah yang paling berat yang pernah gue alami seumur hidup. Gue masih belum bisa membayangkan bagaimana orang-orang akhirnya bisa berdamai dengan duka kehilangan seseorang yang hidup begitu dekat dengan mereka, kehilangan orang yang berada di sisi lo sejak ia lahir hingga dewasa. Gue mencoba mengambil langkah-langkah untuk berdamai dengan duka itu, tapi sepertinya akan butuh waktu yang nggak sebentar. Sebesar itu tempat yang lo isi dalam hidup gue, hidup Mama, Mas Inu, Papa, dan keluarga serta teman-teman lo. You were the center of our lives. You were the reason why there was laughter in our house. You were the one that gives the perfect balance in our family. So now that you're gone, how do we even fill the place you left? 

Seringkali gue masih dipenuhi penyesalan, seandainya gue mengambil tindakan yang berbeda saat lo sakit, apakah lo masih akan bersama kita sekarang? Apakah lo tidak akan merasakan sakit yang berat? Jujur, gue masih nggak bisa kalau harus mengingat masa-masa terakhir lo bersama gue dan Mama. Gue ternyata selemah ini, dan lo adalah orang yang sepenting itu dalam hidup gue. Tapi takdir begitu lucu, di saat gue dipenuhi penyesalan, gue menemukan tulisan lo tentang betapa lo tidak suka berlarut dalam penyesalan, karena setiap orang akan terus menghadapi berbagai keadaan dimana mereka harus mengambil keputusan dan tindakan. Terkadang mereka benar, terkadang mereka salah, dan mereka akan terus mengalami penyesalan, tapi jangan sampai penyesalan itu menjadi fokus hidup kita. Mungkin Allah menuntun gue untuk menemukan tulisan lo itu agar gue bisa bersabar dan meringankan rasa sesal gue. Allah Maha Baik ya Dek...

Dek... gue percaya kok bahwa Allah SWT adalah sebaik-baik tempat kembali, dan insha Allah lo akan sangat bahagia disana. Akhirnya lo bisa menanyakan langsung pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang ingin lo dapatkan jawabannya dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik pemberi jawaban. Gue dan semuanya disini masih berduka, masih kehilangan, entah sampai kapan. Tolong doakan kami yang masih berada di dunia ini ya agar kuat dan tegar dan tidak hilang arah dalam menghadapi kesedihan sebesar apapun. Di dalam diri gue, ada rasa ingin sekali segera bertemu lagi sama lo, mendengarkan lawakan lo lagi, komentarin hal-hal random, ngetawain hal-hal sepele, tapi gue janji gue nggak akan gelap mata. Gue akan memaksimalkan hidup gue disini sampai nanti kita akhirnya bisa ketemu lagi. Dan semoga kita dipertemukan kembali di sisi terbaik Allah SWT ya Dek. 

Gue sayang banget sama lo. Gue kangen banget sama lo. Tapi gue akan hidup. Gue nggak akan memohon agar hidup gue berakhir lagi. Gue akan berjuang. Lo nggak usah khawatir, gue akan jagain Mama sebaik-baiknya, kita akan hidup sebaik-baiknya. Lo yang tenang disana. Dan insha Allah kita semua akan kumpul lagi nanti dengan cara terbaik. Sampai nanti, De Nanda. Adik kesayangan gue (karena cuma satu hehe), sahabat lawak gue, dan anggota keluarga yang paling disayangi semua orang. Sampai ketemu lagi di waktu terbaik nanti.

Dear, Nanda!

Right now, you're laying on the hospital bed trying your best to heal again, to survive, to win this battle. I couldn't say how proud I am of you and your perseverance. Please know that you will always have me and our family on your side. You're not fighting this journey alone. We are with you through every step of the way. If Allah SWT wills it, we will definitely win this battle and reach your best health once again. And I trust Allah the most that nothing but blessings that He will pour into you and us. This is the journey that's meant to be taken together, all of us, with you. Please know that your strength and perseverance is amazing, you will get through it again and again and we will return to our happy normal days soon.

Let's go to culinary trips as a journey for your recovery, I can't wait to taste many many foods with you and gain weight together, then let's exercise and then eat and exercise again all our lives. You have bright future and a long journey you are ready to take, I can't wait to cheer you on in those journeys. Get well soon, my little sneaky cheeky brother, we miss you a lot. So many love you, so many laughed because of of you, so many cheers and pray for you. I can't wait to see you again!

Live on Saturn Concert in Jakarta

On February 4, 2023, I watched Jeff Satur's solo concert, Live on Saturn, in Jakarta, which marks the first-ever solo tour he ever held. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to me this year (yes, I know the year has just only begun, but I know that it's the best thing that ever happened to me this year! 😂)

the view from my seat

Short introduction about Jeff Satur: he's a singer, music producer, composer, and actor from Thailand. He's got one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard, so it didn't take long for me to become a fan once I saw his song cover on YouTube and watched him sing in his drama series. And the songs he wrote and produced are all so good too. If you're interested to know, some of my songs recommendations from him are Comedy, Stranger, Fade, Moment, Loop, Why Don't You Stay, Hide... (ok, I need to stop myself right here, or else I'll write his whole music discography 🙈)

Btw, it was thanks to my friend, Iqbal, who made it possible to watch this concert. I was broke, and the ticket started being sold on December 22, and I didn't have enough money to purchase it, but my friend who happened to work in this concert and ticketing business offered me a possible way to purchase it through him, so I will be forever grateful. Thank you, bro! ❤

It's been 11 years since my first and last proper concert, the Westlife concert I wrote about in this blog, too, so I was kinda clueless about what kind of look would be proper for a concert. I thought I went overboard with my makeup, but everyone wore so many amazing outfits and makeup when I got to the concert venue (Balai Sarbini). They truly dressed up to express themselves in the best way possible for this concert, and it's a such amazing sight to see. I was genuinely surprised and amazed by the effort from everyone.

I also met my Twitter friend whom I know from Saturdayss fandom (Jeff Satur's fandom name), and maybe it's because we've been talking for months on Twitter about Jeff and many other stuffs, so it doesn't feel awkward at all when we first met 😆

The whole concert experience was amazing. I've been watching Jeff's live performance on other people's fancams or videos, and I know this man is one high-quality musician who gives nothing but the best performance someone could give. It was the reason I started becoming his fan because I saw how fun and amazing he always is when he's performing on stage, so being able to experience it in real life was a truly one-of-a-kind experience. Despite his busy schedule, he sounds like he's in the best shape that night. His vocal sounds amazing, his band sounds amazing too, and he performed 20 songs that night, and not even a single song ever missed anything. He also performed a classic Indonesian song, "1000 Tahun Lamanya" which he's been singing since around 2019 when he used to do a live cover on his social media, and his pronunciation is amazing too. Also, the way he performed this song with his little dance is so cute, I always love how he does it whenever he sings. It's like watching a music personification in one man and that is Jeff Satur for me 😣

 

It always amazes me how much effort he's willing to give to appreciate every place he visits for a tour/concert. He's been on tour with his drama series team since last year, and he always makes sure to perform one classic/famous song from each country, which I find so amazing because it means he always has to memorize the lyrics in different languages and also learned its melody, and he never performed all of those songs half-heartedly too. From watching him in that one year since I discovered him, I know he's an artist who gives his all in performing, and that's why I knew that this concert would be totally worth it. So glad that I was right about that 😄

I didn't take many fancams tho, because my cellphone camera isn't really in a quality to take good fancams, so I just decided to enjoy the whole thing without using my cellphone too much. There are other fans who recorded good fancams already anyway 😁

 

Another thing that makes this concert memorable is how intimate it feels. Balai Sarbini made it possible for fans from every section to get a good look at Jeff, and Jeff always tried his best to look at every section and interact with the audience. His small talk, jokes, and motivational speech are mixed so amazingly, which makes it never boring to watch him even when he's not singing. He makes everything enjoyable and intimate with us. No wonder the fans can't move on even after two weeks after this concert is over 😭

Actually, there are so sooo many moments I would like to share, but I think I would end up writing the whole concert minutes instead, lol, so let's just keep those in my memories. Another unique thing new to me is getting all these freebies that fans made and shared for free in the venue. I didn't get a lot because I didn't come early, so most of the freebies already ran out, but I still got a few. It's amazing that there are fans who put so much effort into making all these to share with each other for free. Apparently, sharing freebies like this has been common in Thailand and K-Pop concerts, but this is something that I experienced for the first time at my big age, so it feels amazing 😁

This concert feels magical to me. I thought I would hate the crowded place because I went to watch this alone. My introverted self was anxious about being in a place with many people. But it turns out to be one of the best days ever. I initiated many small talks and conversations with fans in the concert venues, something I thought I was too scared to do. And the whole concert experience made me feel that maybe life is worth fighting for if it means I will experience this concert again in the future. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to aim to live a bit longer if it means I will experience the joy of being in this kind of concert again. Honestly, I've been having suicidal thoughts more than necessary this year. I even marked a year and a date and prayed to God to end my life at that time because I didn't dare to do it myself. I have been in such an awful state of mind since last year. But when I experienced this concert, the joy I felt lasted for days and even weeks until today. I still have very vivid memories of that day and how much I enjoyed it. It makes me feel like I found a new reason to live and to try again. If this kind of expensive event can give me such amazing happiness that could last for days and weeks, I think I wouldn't mind working harder and living longer so I will experience it again one day. This may sound exaggerated on my part, but this is what I really feel. Of course, I wouldn't go overboard or be depressed if I couldn't experience it again in the future because we can't expect what's gonna happen. But right now, in this very moment, maybe what I really need is that small hope, that small goal to aim for this momentary happiness, so I won't lose to my dark thoughts and sadness. Maybe for now, that's all that matters, a newfound will that will keep us going.

Being an Adult with all its problems...

I wish I never knew how expensive to afford living. All those payments we need to pay monthly for the rest of our lives, the cost of those foods. And with such minimum incomes... I started to understand why people questioning whether life is worthy for all these efforts just to stay alive. What do we gain from trying to pay for all these other than to avoid death? Death seems like an easier option, if I were not a Muslim, I'd probably choose that route. 

I understand why relationship could change because of economic problems. You really don't eat LOVE to stay alive. Parents who become depressed because they don't have enough to feed the whole family, I felt that now even though I'm not a parent, but responsibility for the whole family simply falls on me now. I can't really ask anyone for help because as I grow older, I realized that all of those I know also carry this burden, even sometimes, harder and heavier than me.

I want to find a purpose for living, but I barely managed to pass each day. When I read my blogs from 10 years ago, I was this young kid full of passions and dreams. I wonder where did she go. Why can't I believe in myself? I wonder if I really don't have desire for all those expensive things or did I choose to stop myself from wanting it cause I know they are hard to gain? Maybe deep down I know the answer, but the fear to confront what I really feel make me hate myself so much. I'm 30 now, and I still learn very slowly to love myself apparently. 

I want to change. Please... self, do something!

Going 30, Being Alone, or With Someone?

 It feels like the world keeps on moving, my days keep going like usual, I'm as busy as everyone else. I will be 30 this year, which shocks me because I started writing on this blog when I was still in high school. In this blog, I used to pour everything I felt, from sadness to happiness to what I love and hate. But as I grow older, I kinda stop myself from doing that. The fear of troubling anyone who read this blog if they read my nonsense sadness and the realization that I am no longer a kid, so I should stop sharing everything I feel here, is one of the reasons I stopped. It's funny... I don't think I've changed. I just learned to shut my feeling up. To stop making a big deal of everything. To stop being dramatic. I keep telling myself that I'm no longer at the age where I can pour my feelings and complaints on social media, including this blog, even though I doubt that anyone ever read this blog anymore. 

My life so far is fine. I gained like 5kg within 6 months, which makes me feel healthier than I used to be. I do things at my own pace. Nothing goes awfully wrong or things like that. So, I keep wondering what this emptiness I'm feeling is? Why haven't I changed? Is it the pressure of marriage, of having someone, that comes from my surroundings, that makes me feel like I may want a life partner? Or is it my real desire to have one?

I've always been fine being by myself. I've been sleeping in my bedroom alone for so long, the thought of having a life partner and sharing a bed with them is kinda scary to me, but at the same time, there are times when I also long to have what those happy-looking married couples have. But I don't even trust myself with such commitment or believe that I deserved that. Over the years, my trust in men has kept decreasing. I don't really like men. Only a few men I met in real life are actually kind and decent, but most of the men I ever encountered left me traumatized and scarred. It makes me scared to think that I should spend the rest of my life with one, but at the same time, I also long for that feeling of being cherished. Being together. Is it my true feeling to want to have someone, or is it because of the pressure from my surrounding who seem happy when they married, and the society who thinks unmarried women are not decent? I have all these worries in mind, yet I also don't feel like I can't survive without one. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just want to let my feeling out for once.  Maybe I will delete this post later when I already feel better. 

Anyway, it's good to be back and write some of my thoughts here. I miss it. Maybe I should make it regularly without caring for someone judging my life or my thoughts anymore. We're adults anyway. We don't care about anyone else. Just being able to survive another repetitive day is already an accomplishment, don't you think?

Oh God... I'm so bored.

Two Polar Opposites in Love and Passions that Makes You Believe in Love Again - Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte (J-Drama)

Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte | There's a Reason for the Love I'm Wearing

Hello... It's been a while (a few years to be exact) since the last time I watched J-Drama... I think the last time I watched a Japanese drama was around 3 years ago and after that... I'm not sure what I have been watching or enjoying during the time of my hiatus from J-Drama. Maybe I was more into anime and Thai series during that period of time. And since my work at the office has been quite loose lately, I have some free time to watch 1 or 2 episodes of a series per day, and I randomly picked Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte or Kikazaru Koi for short, to try watching because I always love Kawaguchi Haruna's acting, and although I have never watched any of Yohokama Ryusei's dramas before, his face is really familiar and got me curious. After I finished watching it, it turns out to exceed my expectation. Let's say I thought I'd rate this drama 8/10 at most, but it turns out to be 10/10. This drama tells a story of two main leads with polar opposite personalities as well as completely different principles and values from each other. How? Oke, let's talk about it~

GIF by grrrlsoverdramas on Tumblr

Mashiba Kurumi (Kawaguchi Haruna), our heroine for Kikazaru Koi is career women with tremendous works to do, super-busy women, a perfectionist, determined, and her life always revolve around gadgets, cellphone, and social media because of her profession as Public Relation Officer in el Arco Iris, a company engaged in interior design and interior shop. To help in promoting goods and stuffs produced and sold by her company, Mashiba uses her personal Instagram to share interesting collections and stuffs that she likes, and it's not limited to fashion, she also shares some unique goods, decorations, and things related to interior design. After 5 years of diligently posting and creating beautiful content in her personal IG, Mashiba reaches 100k followers which made her being recognized as a social media influencer. Mashiba is known for her good taste in many things and she aims to become a Buyer in the future just like her Boss whom she's been admiring (read: secretly in love with) since a long time ago. Mashiba also really enjoys and loves her work. However, there is something she really wants to do besides her work and that is to explore the world to look for beautiful and unique things to collect and share with the world.

"While thinking of that someday, I am chased by miscellaneous things. The truth is that I want to go and see the stuff that I find nice." - Mashiba Kurumi

Some useful tips I gathered from Mashiba's profession to help to increase our social media engagement are: post an IG (Instagram) Story or an IG post at least 3 times a day, during 6 to 8 AM commuting time when people are mostly going to work, during lunchtime at 12 AM to 1 PM, and during golden hours at 7 PM to 10 PM when people are returning home. Mashiba even has an alarm for a reminder to do all of those social media activities and now I kinda follow her steps by setting an alarm to post on my friend's fashion brand's social media which I help to manage. The alarm is really useful for my forgetful self.

Kawaguchi Haruna as Mashiba always wears so many beautiful outfits which makes me want to shop for new clothes so I could go to work in my level 10 and have my wardrobe filled with my favorite things too. And her portrayal as Mashiba is so good here. I guess this is by far my favorite role from her.

GIF by movielosophy on Tumblr

Fujino Shun (Yokohama Ryusei), the total opposite of Mashiba who is glued to her gadget and cellphone, it's been a few years since the last time Shun stopped using his cellphone. When most people nowadays mostly have their eyes glued to their cellphone in the bust or commuter line or wherever they are, Shun prefers to enjoy the scenery and everything around him and talking with strangers he met on his way. Shun manages a food truck named Fuji Bal all by himself. Shun is a professional chef specially for Spanish Cuisines, but due to some things in the past, he stopped working as a professional chef and decided to start and manage an independent business through his food truck where he can travel to many places and serve the foods to many people as free as he wants. Shun is a free soul, he doesn't like being tied to rules or values which doesn't suit him and he doesn't care about other people's opinion. Those who see Shun from the outside will think that Shun enjoys his life to the fullest with his carefree self, but the truth is, Shun has many regrets from the past which he still unable to let go of until now.

"No matter how depressed you get about the outside world... Even if things don't go the way you want it to, it will be fine as long as you have all this. The sky, water, and air..." - Fujino Shun

This is the first time I watched Yokohama Ryusei and he's already impressed me a lot. I really like his portrayal as Shun who is so cheerful, extrovert, and bubbly, while Ryusei himself is a total introvert who's very quiet in real life. His switch from Ryusei to Shun is amazing, he looks so natural. Will totally check more of Yokohama Ryusei's dramas in the future!

Mashiba's room and Shun's room

When a perfectionist social media influencer and a simple minimalist meet and live together...

One of the most interesting things from this drama is seeing how opposite the values that Mashiba and Shun hold. This becomes so clear when destiny decided to make these two live together under the same roof of a Share House owned by their friend, Kouko-san, a middle-aged woman who lives with only her dog, Kouji. Let's elaborate it a little bit:

💄 Mashiba's room is full of pretty clothes and things she collects. If she likes something, she will immediately buy it and share it on her social media.

👓 Shun only has a few clothes and two chairs in his room. He's a minimalist who only keeps the things he treasures the most and never wants to get attached to something.

💄 Mashiba has to prepare her look and nails for hours after she got home and before she's going to work. Mashiba says that she has to be on LEVEL 10 when she goes outside no matter for what occasion. She must always look presentable.

👓 Shun doesn't care about appearance or anyone's opinion about him. His working outfit and his stay-at-home outfit are the same, no matter what occasion it is. 

💄 Mashiba is all about perfect planning and preparation. When she does something, she put all of her best effort into it.

👓 Shun is all about spontaneous action and go with the flow type of person.

💄 Due to her work as a social media influencer and managing the company's social media, Mashiba always feels that she always has to be ready 24/7 to work even during her off days.

👓 Shun doesn't want his resting time being disturbed by his work. He separates his on and off days.

There are still many things I'd like to list, to be honest, but those are pretty much sum up how the heaven and earth differences that Mashiba and Shun possessed cause them to bicker and fight in the beginning.... because the values and principles they hold are very different from each other. What I really love about Kikazaru Koi is how those differences didn't make the couple have never-ending misunderstandings, Mashiba and Shun instead keep learning to understand and to respect each other because they actually communicated in a healthy way (yes guys, communication actually works... can you believe that? 😭), they explain to each other every time they face problems or have a different opinion until they both reach mutual understanding. For example, when Mashiba doesn't force Shun to use his cellphone again and only suggest him why she would like him to use it sometimes when they cannot meet in person, and although in the beginning, Shun said he doesn't want to be tied by any social rules or things like that, in the end, he decided to use his cellphone again because he wants to communicate with those who are precious for him.

GIF by seawherethesunsets on Tumblr

Mashiba and Shun learn to understand that principles and values they hold, even when they're different, they are what's best for them as an individual, then they also learn to adapt and share each other's values when they learn that it's useful for their growth. For example, Mashiba learns to separate her work hours and her resting time, that it is okay for her sometimes to let loose and be casual sometimes when she's tired, and to enjoy the things around her and doing a social media detox when she needs it sometimes.

Shun also learns that it isn't a bad thing if we sometimes are mindful of other people's opinion and feelings, especially those things can be useful and help his growth and come from those who love him and cared for him. Shun also start to be braver and taking more challenges to improve himself and face his past regrets and mistakes head-on after he saw how Mashiba never gives up and always gives her 100% effort in everything, of course, Shun adapted some of Mashiba's values without losing the core of his own values and personality who still loves freedom above anything else. 

Amazing development both in characters and relationship between each character 

Another thing that I really love from Kikazaru Koi is how every character plays a significant role, how everyone has their own imperfection as well as their own strength in such a realistic way, and how everyone has an amazing character growth without losing their own values as well. 

They have satisfying development in term of relationship between each character as well... in the beginning, despite living in the same Share House, they all are such individual people, only think of themselves and mind their own business, then slowly they start to open up to each other and care of each other and eventually become a strong support system for each other. The growth in their relationship is also shown in such a realistic way, it wasn't being rushed, it makes us feel like we are also being drawn into their growing friendship that keeps getting stronger and stronger in every episode.

Their individual worries and struggles as 27+ yo adults and older is something that I can truly relate to. Surprisingly... I feel like I can understand all of them, or I can see a bit of myself in each of them. So, when I watch how they slowly overcoming those worries and struggles, it feels like I'm getting a warm hug from them too.

Special Mention and Appreciation to the 2nd Male Lead

Mashiba Kurumi's 1st love and someone he looks up to, President Hayama Shogo (Osamu Mukai) has such a powerful presence in the series, not in a love rival kind of way that makes you hate him... but he actually makes you feel inspired. More than Shun's rival or Mashiba's 1st love, Hayama Shogo is more like a teacher for everyone and becomes the key that opens up the door of courage for Mashiba and everyone around him to start doing what they love. His adventurous and spontaneous soul is very similar to Shun, while his persistence and love for beautiful and unique products and things and his dream to support creators are similar to  Mashiba... He's always on his journey to find new treasures. Of course, there are things he has to sacrifice too but he lives his life to the fullest, finding the things he loves. Hayama also put important values in the company he leads and the things he sells... like how he wants to keep supporting eco-friendly products, how to help the original creator, and to put meaning in the things he sells and shares... these are the things that Mashiba learns from him and helps Mashiba to reach to this point of success. 

"If you only want to do things when that someday comes, such someday will not come. I only have now to do it!" - Hayama Shogo
___

GIF by maggiezw2 on Tumblr

With such a powerful 2nd male lead, don't worry... Mashiba and Shun are also powerful as individuals and as couples and Kawaguchi Haruna and Yokohama Ryusei really have amazingly natural chemistry when portraying them. Sure, they both have their imperfection and strength too, and the heaven and earth differences that they both have may seem like something that will not work out in a relationship,  but you know what makes Kakazaru Koi amazing? These two actually work for their relationship and communication and for each other. Even when they probably couldn't understand the problem that they face in their job because they are in different fields of work, or when they can't understand the different values they have and why those things could make them feel worthless or sad, they are trying to cheer each other up every time with real action. Both of them are doing their best to reach their best potential for their own happiness so they will be able to stand by each other's side. Every episode always makes me feel like I'm getting the warmest hug... It's really one of the best things I've watched in a while and I feel like I will go back to this drama whenever I feel down. So many amazing lessons in each episode which you can relate and make you feel like you're getting a gentle push in the back when you feel down. I'd recommend Kikazaru Koi niwa Riyuu ga Atte to everyone I know for real... Jk. 

But seriously, give Kikazaru Koi a try and I promise it will be worthy of your time. The colors are so pretty, the foods, the fashion, the paintings, and things that Mashiba collects and shares in the drama are pretty too, and she makes it seem like making a pretty IG Story is fun. Mashiba and Shun have one of the most natural interactions and chemistry I've seen in Jdramas or any dramas. It's really nice to watch them in love and make me feel single but I'm okay with that. I'll let their romance and love fill the void inside my heart 😭

GIF by seawherethesunsets on Tumblr

I hope you enjoy this longer-than-originally-planned review. Have a nice day and let's wish we will find our own Mashiba or Shun in our lives ❤

2021... Hello~

2021

Oh wow... I only wrote one post last year and it's my farewell post for Wicak 😢 It has been a year already since he passed away. I hope you are resting in peace and happiness, there, my friend!

So, how about me? Well, nothing much has changed except that this year, I finally stepped out of my hikikomori life. I got a job, a real one which required me to go outside of my house and be in the office from 8 AM to 5 PM. It was one of the biggest decisions I made and I am grateful that at this age, I still got the opportunity to work. Although it was super hard to get used to the new environment and new people due to my anxiety, I even had mild depression during the first month I started working which I tried so hard to hide, but I think I get better little by little. My new colleague is one of the kindest persons I've met and she's a Taurus like me, and we happened to graduate from the same uni. She is one year older than me and another funny coincidence is, she was a classmate of my ex-boyfriend. The world is small indeed 😂

As we all already know, in 2020, the world has to face and still continue to face the pandemic of covid-19 to this day. I'm genuinely grateful that I still get the opportunity to work amid this pandemic. Allah is so kind to me and I'm not sure if I deserved it or not. I just want to support my family, that's all.

What else? Ah right... My big brother got married this year as well so I finally got a sister after being the only daughter between two sons for 29 years. And my sister-in-law is super kind and very friendly too, she is like the total opposite of my brother lol. I mean, my brother is friendly but my sister-in-law is on another level of friendly 😂

To be honest, I'm still not sure what I want to aim for in life. What is my goal exactly? I just know that once my brother married, then I should be ready to take care of my family fully. Of course my brother still helps from time to time, but both me and my mom agree not to bother him with things at home as much as we can. So that's what pushed me to finally stop my hikikomori life and start living a better life. I don't know if I'm doing any better though. I have a fixed income each month now and that's good, but this is a contract job so I will eventually have to look for a new job again sometime in the future like a year or 4 years from now (if the contract got extended). I know it's still a long way to go but I can't help but think about it. Oh well... Let's just try to save as much money as we can until the day comes and worry about it later. 

I hope this pandemic will be over and the world will be healed soon. Take care of yourself, wear a mask and carry hand sanitizer everywhere you go, be careful and be mindful of everything to make sure that you or the people you love will be safe from this virus. Stay safe 💗

PS: I changed my blog username after years. I like my name a lot so I kinda want to put it in everything I have now hehe.