Social Anxiety Experiences

It's been a while since I wanted to write about my social anxiety experiences and how to overcome it. Although I'm still not sure if I'm good at it. Most people don't understand how much anxiety could affect a person's life, they tend to judge social anxiety people as too shy, naturally quiet, to the point that their quietness becomes annoying. The thing that people don't know is, social anxiety is really dangerous, it could even ruin someone's life, unless they learn how to deal with it. 

I've been having social anxiety since I was a kid for as long as I can remember. I get so terrified with the new environment, my head starts imagining things that make me scared, and it takes me at least a year to really get to know a person and accept him/her into my life. But as I grow up, I realized that I need to get over this thing soon, it started ruining my life so I know I need to do something about it. So, I joined an organization in my senior year and learned to mingle with many more people. I joined Mabit Nurul Fikri and I guess it kinda worked to make me less shy and be more active in life than I had ever been before. 

I've had been doing pretty well dealing with my social anxiety until 2014, I started getting bad again and this thing hits me harder than it ever did until now. It has already messed up my life ever since. Now, in order to 'heal' myself again, I feel the need to share some of those experiences whenever I had social anxiety attacks. I wish by writing it down, I could analyze myself and the situation where I was in, and learn to overcome it if I ever bump into the same circumstances in the future.

Skipping A Lot of Classes due to Tardiness

I went to college which was quite far from my house, it takes at least 30 minutes by motorcycle if there was no traffic in Jakarta and an hour by bus. I knew I should have tried harder to get to school without being late, but anyway, I got this weird habit that I can't do my best unless it involves my passions. I never late when I had to sing in the early morning with PSM. I never late to go to any of Mabit events. But college happened to be something I don't really like. I didn't put my best effort to get to school earlier and as a result, I was late for classes pretty often.

And unlike other normal students who could just go into class after being late for at least 15 minutes, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to get into the class, especially if the teacher was already inside. I got these weird ideas that my classmates would all be staring at me when I walked in, and whispered my tardiness to the friend next to them, and talked about how I never got into any of class's events and yet still dare to be late (there is no connection between this at all but my mind can't stop being negative at that time). I couldn't help but imagine the teacher would scold me in front of the class and would yell at me. I didn't know how could I think so negatively when in real life, I know my classmates couldn't care less about my tardiness, given the fact that I didn't really talk a lot with any of them, they would probably ignore me when I walked in. But still, whenever I got late into class, I couldn't get myself in, all I did was standing in front of the class, let my mind threaten me with its horror imagination about my classmates and teacher, and in the end, I would end up waiting there in front of the door, hoping someone would be late as well so I could go into class with him/her. At least, I won't be scolded alone.

It was always my own thoughts that scared me to death. I was once being thrown out of class because I was late, and ever since then, I had this funny feeling that that teacher hated me and would remember me as a bad student, and I felt like all teachers would treat me the same if I ever got late into class again. This is surely only happened in my mind. Later, I learned that it was not as bad as I thought. I learned that my teacher was just in bad mood that day and he greeted me casually the next day we met. I always learned that my classmates aren't as terrible as I thought, since they still give me their helping hands when we had exams (if you know what I mean 😆), and every terrible thing only exists in my brain. 

But if you have social anxiety, these things keep coming to you and you can't help it. The thing you can do best is trying really... really hard to remind yourself that it won't be as bad as you expected. It is truly much easier when I had a good friend who understands my condition so well, they made it much easier for me to carry on with my college life. I really need to thank them for those encouragements, I needed them most at that time. I guess without them, I wouldn't be able to finish my college or get into any classes. I mean it. They are so precious.

On the bright side, I became more aware of other people who seem to have social anxiety as well. It's not something that you can recognize so easily, it's something that needs depth understanding, and the willingness from the other party to learn about a person's anxiety. It was always in our brain, and we're the only ones who can fight it. We have to fight our demon everyday but with a friend besides us, it makes it easier. For people with social anxiety, even just one simple kindness could give enormous power to us. Maybe that's why the Prophet SAW said that a smile counts as a form of worship and charity. Because that one simple act of kindness really helps us a lot.

Thank you for reading

A Letter For A Bestfriend

Things have changed between us
We're no longer laughed together
We don't call each other anymore
I don't even know what are you to me now?
Or what am I to you now?

Maybe it was my decision to leave you
Maybe I'm just being selfish
Maybe I should be more forgiving
Maybe I should be more understanding

But you don't even try to hold me from leaving
You don't even try to call me and ask, "what's wrong?"
You are fine with my absence
You still laugh the same way 'though it's not with me

I wish I could turn back time
I wish I could save you from your mistakes
I wish I could protect you from your sins
I wish I could be there when you needed me

But, aren't we all sinners?
Who am I judging you from your mistakes?
I made mistakes too
So, why can't I just forgive you for yours?

Maybe I'm just being selfish again
Maybe because you never ask for it
Maybe I'm just not a good person
Or maybe... you just don't want to be saved

Getting Worse

I found myself in the darkest moment ever lately. Almost as terrible as my 2014, and seems like it's getting even worse. I found myself shutting down other people and walking even further away from anyone else. I suffered from a terrible heartache each day, the wound seems to be growing severe and I completely have no idea how to heal it.

I become a bad person, in and outside. I felt irritated all the time and couldn't help but be annoyed by everyone's existence. But at the same time, I know it's not right. It's like my soul is being ripped apart into two different personalities. And now I often hear these two fightings inside of me, telling me what's right and what's not from their own perspectives (this is kinda confusing since they are the voices within me, so they are basically my own perspectives, but you know what I mean!)

For example, when I'm annoyed by my friend's joke, two of my personalities will fight to decide:

BAD: She is so annoying, how can she joke about something that sensitive?

GOOD: Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it to offend anyone, and no one gets hurt by her joke so why do you even care?

BAD: What? No, it's not right to joke out of something like that? Didn't she know it crossed the line and you never know if it hurts anyone?

GOOD: But I'm sure everyone is mature enough to understand her true meaning is just to entertain others.

BAD: Well that's not very entertaining for me, stop acting like you're not bothered by it.

GOOD: Well that's your problem!

BAD: Shut up!

GOOD: YOU SHUT UP!

And it goes on inside of my head, lately, it's happening all the time. And usually, when that happens, I decided to be quiet, and even when my anger is building up, I keep it inside, 'til I unconsciously hitting my hand, or my face, and when I finally speak to very few people whom I trust enough to see the darkest part of me, I would say a lot of bad things, not to them, but mainly about what I'm feeling, and when I finally get to my sense, I'd feel bad for them for listening to my rants which totally have nothing to do with them and even probably annoyed them.

It's like I'm surrounded by dementors every day and I have no happiness left to conjure strong Patronus to protect myself from it.

Mr. Wordless

Hari ini aku menggali lubang masa lalu yang telah kukubur dalam-dalam. Hanya karena sebuah lagu lama yang menjadi teman kisah kita selama beberapa tahun itu. Lalu, aku kembali jatuh cinta. Apakah padamu? Ataukah hanya pada kenangan akan dirimu? Yang aku tau, kamu adalah salah satu dari kisah favoritku. 

Boleh aku sedikit bernostalgia? Bercerita tentangmu? Sudah lima tahun sejak terakhir kita bertemu, tak sedikitpun bayangan tentangmu menghantuiku seperti hari ini. Aneh bukan, hanya karena sebuah lagu, aku membuka kembali sejarah lama yang masih tersimpan rapi itu, entah bagaimana bisa ia masih ada. Lalu, kamu tau apa yang terjadi? Aku menangis. Aku menangis begitu saja, seolah semua yang ada di masa itu kembali kepadaku. Tawa itu. Canda itu. Ledekan itu. Dan tanda-tanda itu. 

Saat itu kamu adalah orang yang digemari banyak orang. Lalu, kita bertemu, dan kita berfoto berdua untuk pertama dan terakhir kalinya. Aku hanya satu dari ribuan orang yang mengagumi kamu, lalu bagaimana bisa takdir membawaku pada sebuah pertemanan, denganmu? Bagaimana bisa, setelah dari sekian banyak yang menyapamu, hanya aku yang kamu tawarkan persahabatan? 

Saat itu aku hanya pemimpi, penuh khayal, bagiku kamu begitu tinggi, tak terjangkau, karena itu ketika kamu memberikan ku lebih dari apa yang aku khayalkan, aku merasa seperti dongeng telah menjadi nyata dalam kehidupanku. Kamu adalah seseorang, sedangkan aku hanya bayangan, tapi kamu melihatku, dan menjadikan aku penting, atau paling tidak membuatku merasa begitu.

Ada jarak yang jauh, hanya melalui telepon, YM, SMS, BBM, twitter, dan social media, kita berbicara setiap hari, hampir sepanjang waktu. Kamu memanggilku dengan sebutan itu begitupun aku. Kita saling mencari saat satu sama lain tak bisa dijangkau, saling meledek, saling berbagi kisah, dan akhirnya aku kembali menemuimu lagi, ke tempatmu tinggal, ke negeri impian itu, dimana semua mimpi menjadi nyata. 

Kita saling peduli dan mencari cara untuk tetap bisa berkomunikasi dalam rahasia, tanpa perlu menyakiti orang yang menyayangi kita. Tapi, pada akhirnya saling menjauh. Lalu, kamu datang lagi. Kamu berada begitu dekat denganku, lebih dari sebelumnya. Dan kita, bertemu lagi. Berbicara lagi. 

Lalu, semua berakhir. Kita menyudahinya tanpa ada perpisahan. Tanpa ada penjelasan, apakah senyuman dan pembicaraan setiap hari kita selama 3 tahun itu adalah tanda yang kamu kirimkan? Apakah pernah dalam sehari saja, kamu merasakan yang kurasakan terhadapmu? Apakah pernah terbersit sedikit saja dalam benakmu, tentang keberadaanku? Apakah dalam canda dan ledekan yang kamu kirimkan nyaris setiap detik itu, ada sedikit saja rasa untukku?

Kamu menghilang dari hidupku, begitupun aku menghilang dari hidupmu, setelah hampir 3,5 tahun kamu mengisinya. Tak ada satu hari pun dalam hidupku tanpa pesan darimu saat itu. Apa yang terjadi? Aku tidak tahu, mungkin itu memang waktu yang tepat, untuk aku mengakhiri apa yang selama ini menjadi khayalan, dan melepaskan yang ternyata akan selamanya terlalu tinggi untuk kuraih. 

Aku merindukanmu, mungkin bukan dirimu, tapi kenangan tentangmu. Kenangan yang sangat berharga bagiku, dimana aku belajar menjadi manusia yang lebih baik kala itu, dan bahkan berprestasi di sekolah dan bisa meraih PTN, itu semua kamu yang menjadi motivasinya. Kamu mungkin tidak tahu, dan tak akan pernah tahu. Tapi, aku ingin berterimakasih. Atas segala yang terjadi, atas waktu yang kamu berikan, atas pertemanan yang kamu tawarkan. Kamu mengubah hidupku kala itu, dan semoga dimanapun kamu sekarang, kamu menjalaninya dengan baik tanpa kekurangan suatu apapun.

Terimakasih ya, Anak Kecil. Merkuriusku. Mr. Wordless-ku.

Terimakasih pernah membuat khayalanku menjadi kenyataan.

Music and Me?

Even though I'm blessed with musical talents from my Dad's side and my mother put me in a lot of artistic and musical courses/events, I don't think I'm really into music. Or should I say, I no longer felt passionate about music? Unlike most of my friends who are so passionate about music to the point that they remember so many songs and always stay updated with the newest hits and eager to perform in front of people, I don't. I love music, it's definitely one of my favorite escapes from reality, but to me, that's what music is all about now. A beautiful escape that could make me wander to the most beautiful fantasy and lift up my spirit. When it comes to music, just like with my social life, I only have very few favorite songs that I could listen for so many times because it reflects my feeling and some of them were so meaningful because they remind me of few experiences and unforgettable events in the past or to certain someone and stories.

I do enjoy performing, but not really passionate about it, maybe because I'm too shy and I feel like I want to throw up whenever I'm on stage by myself, so I kinda give up with a dream of becoming a star on stage, lol. Not only because I felt awkward most of the time, but because I can't memorize so many songs like most of the performers did. Or maybe I just don't want to because I'm lazy. Oh well...

Anyway, here's the list of few of my favorite songs and why they stuck in my head and make me giggled on the inside whenever I listen to it.

1. First Love (Nikka Costa)

This was probably the first English song that I learned and could memorize, 'cause I used to hate English. When I took a singing lesson in Elfa Secioria, my coach gave me this song at our first rehearsal. I have a special spot for 'the first time' things lol,

2. Reflection (Christina Aguilera)

This was the first English song that I performed in front of a real audience. Elfa Secioria always held a concert every 3 months and every student should perform solo. I really like this song because it was, you know, another first-time experience for me to perform on a real stage with a real audience watching me. Also, as I grow up, I learn about the meaning of the song and I could relate to it. It's one of those songs for people who questioned her own worth and identity wants a freedom to be herself but hard to do it, basically my life 😁

3. Memory (Andre Lloyd Webber)

I was just the background singer for this song with many of teenagers in Elfa Secioria Fatmawati's branch, we performed a medley of Jellicles Cat and Memory from Broadway Musical Cats. It was one of the best memories I had in Elfa Secioria. We rehearsed for a month every day, and for the first time, I got to know about Broadway Musical. We performed exactly the same way like the Broadway casts did, with cat's costumes and hair and mask, we danced and sang and acted like insane cats. It was fun and I really miss those days. And yes, as I grow up, I learn about the meaning of this song I felt related to its lyrics.

4. Flying Without Wings (Westlife)

I love Westlife since I was a kid and I literally had no idea what this song was about when I was a kid, I just simply fell for the music and Mark's voice. And as I grow up and learn about the lyrics, I realized that this song was probably made in heaven. It's really beautiful and tells about the many forms of love. And how those things can make us feel like we're flying without wings.

5. Angel's Wings (Westlife)

Another beautiful piece from Westlife, it tells the happiness of a father who welcomed his newborn baby and expresses his admiration and love into a beautiful song. If you have special connection with your parents, you'll feel so overwhelmed with this song.

6. Hingga Ujung Waktu (Sheila on 7)

This is still my favorite song from Sheila on 7 and I didn't even understand the meaning behind its poetical lyrics when I was a kid, but I fell for its beautiful music arrangement back then. Yes, it's a love song which makes my heart feel even warmer after I finally understand its meaning as I grow up. I always think that I want this song to be played on my wedding day, hopefully with S07 as the guest star 😊

7. Waktu yang Tepat 'Tuk Berpisah (Sheila on 7)

Again, this is another masterpiece from Sheila on 7, and I couldn't understand its poetical lyrics until recently. I know it's a sad song, but I couldn't really understand it before. Now, that I finally understand, it got me teared up every time I listen to it, especially because I've had few goodbyes and separation. Eross tried to make a goodbye sounded beautiful, but it secretly hide a sad and heartbreaking feeling, and you have to keep strong and bear with the pain and just let go of what is not meant to be yours. 

8. Two is Better than One (Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift)

This is the soundtrack of my unrequited love for three years during my high school days and half-of my 1st semester in college, with a long distance friend. The lyrics kinda reflected what happened to me and my crush: I fell in love at the first sight and I remember all the things about him on our first meeting, and we had this friendship for 3 years, we both had nicknames for each other, and he even made a secret account so he could talk to me without making anyone jealous. At that time, I sacrificed a lot of things for him, and even went across the ocean for him (literally). But yeah, it was a beautiful unrequited love which made me be a better person at that time. But it ended. It is definitely a story that I would cherish because 'though it was childish and sad, it felt like a fairy tale to me ~~

Music is my beautiful escape and each of my favorite songs is the soundtrack of certain important events that give me warm feeling whenever I listen to it. The memories come alive and I think this is more than just performing materials. 

See you in the next Music and Me Post...

Dear Zahrika Prastamia

Hey, Mia...

I wonder if you would ever read this post. I've been wondering where you are, where you've gone, you completely disappear from our lives. It's been almost 2 years since the last time I saw you. I don't know your phone number, and you disappear from all of the social media.

Where are you? Are you okay? We miss you, you know.

We're still struggling to graduate from college, all of us, me, Mella, Diah, Wardah, and Amel. We're still in contact with each other and sometimes we meet at school. We're wondering where you are. We're even planning to get your address so we could go to your house. You're one of the very important people in my college life. You saved me in many exams and I don't want to lose you just like that. I don't refer to a lot of people as my bestfriend, but to me, you're one of those very few people.

Where are you? Are you healthy? Do you remember us?

I'm working now, and it's so much harder to work on my thesis and also trying to finish all of my studies. I miss our intellectual conversations after classes or during classes (although most of the time it's only you and Wardah talking lol), I miss your existence and your coolness and indifference towards a lot of things lol.

Where are you? I sincerely wish you're doing fine

I just want you to know that you have me, Mella, Wardah, Diah, and Amel, who are here to support you and miss you so much. I want you to know how much we pray that all of us will succeed together in the end, in our own way. If I could get a chance to meet all of you again, I want all of us to go somewhere, far from college, and just travel for fun. We have never done that, right? We only meet at college. I regretted that I was so caught up with PSM and never spare my time to meet you guys outside the college.

Where are you? I wish you read this post somehow.

If you do read it, please let me know that you're still around, that you're not really gone. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. You were one of the very few people who understand me. We're one and the same, although you're a lot smarter haha.

Anyway, I wish wherever you are, you're doing great and be healthy.

We miss you. A lot.

Jangan Ganggu!

Gue tahu kalau hidup ini bukan sekadar kesedihan. Pasti akan ada arus yang membawa kita berputar mengalami jatuh dan bangun. Lalu, bagaimana bisa diri ini terperangkap begitu lama dalam suramnya kesendirian? Padahal ia dikelilingi orang-orang. Gue nggak tahu, apa yang gue cari? Apakah sekeliling itu nyata adanya? Ataukah hanya fana, sehingga meski dekat, tak bisa gue benar-benar merasakannya?

Lalu, orang-orang yang bahagia, bisakah mereka terus berbahagia saja tanpa harus mengomentari kesedihan orang lain? Jika kalian bahagia, baguslah, nikmatilah, tak perlu menyakiti orang lain yang kalian rasa menyedihkan dengan kata-kata kalian. Jika tak berniat menenangkan, maka menjauhlah, tinggalkanlah, biarkan terpuruk sendirian.

Gue pun berusaha. Gue pun mencari. Gue pun bertahan. Gue pun juga ingin meraih kebahagiaan itu. Maka meski gue berbeda, tak perlulah kalian ikut campur, apalagi mengganggu hanya karena sekedar ingin tahu. Gue akan menemukan kebahagiaan, sekarang atau nanti, gue pasti temukan. Meski sekarang mungkin masih jauh, dan gue masih sendirian. Itu lebih baik. Meski gue masih terperangkap dalam kesedihan sendiri, gue akan belajar untuk lebih kuat. Pada akhirnya kita semua akan bahagia.

Tapi, kesedihan juga bukanlah bencana, apalagi kesalahan yang harus ditutupi. Maka biarkan ia mengalir. Dan semoga kesedihan itu akan menjaga gue agar tidak meninggi hati, apalagi merasa lebih baik dari siapapun. Kesedihan itu akan menjadi pintu kebahagiaan, untuk menyadari betapa berharganya ia ketika ia datang nanti.