Friday, October 11, 2019

Broken Again

It is really scary... getting older. I thought I don't mind being alone and stay in my own world, but seeing so many of my friends finally get married and live what seems to be a wonderful marriage life makes me longing for someone too. I know better than anyone that getting married doesn't guarantee happiness. I'm the witness of a broken marriage, and yet I'm still longing for someone. I'm just getting more afraid to be alone, but I also don't want just anybody to keep me company.

And that's why I let myself get carried away with those kinds of feelings, knowing full well that maybe his company was only pity and kindness, not because I'm special or something. I know that really well, yet I'm still holding on to some hopes. That's why it's painful when I want to be near him, or hoping he will notice my loneliness and talk to me like always, he didn't. I'm reminded again that it was all mere kindness. He can't always be there for me. And I don't deserve any of those things after I pushed people away because of my own self-pity. 

I know that I need to change something about my anxiety, I should put more efforts, but I've built walls so thick around me, I'm afraid of getting my heart broken so I protected it, and yet I still got my heart broken again. I know my weaknesses and it is my own fault for being too afraid to change it. I won't burden anyone too much. I can't handle myself, how could I expect that someone else would? I'm already broken from the beginning, I always am broken inside and I shouldn't expect anyone to fix me.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Tuberculosis and Me

Seumur hidup, gue pernah beberapa kali mengalami penyakit yang bisa dibilang cukup parah. Tahun 2014, gue mengalami pembekuan darah merah dimana hal itu membuat gue kesulitan untuk bergerak dan selalu merasakan sakit di seluruh tubuh jika tersentuh sedikit aja oleh orang lain. Hal itu berlangsung selama beberapa bulan, udah pergi ke Dokter dan Laboratorium, nggak juga mendapatkan penyembuhan. Akhirnya pergi ke Alternatif dan seluruh tubuh gue disabet pake sapu lidi kecil. Kata Ustadnya sih menyabetnya pelan, tapi karena darah gue membeku, gue merasakan sakit yang luar biasa di seluruh tubuh gue. Selama dua jam lebih gue disabet dan gue nangis karena menahan rasa sakit, lalu setelah selesai, gue dikasih jamu dan beberapa bagian tubuh gue dibungkus pake plastik dengan sangat rapat. Nggak boleh dibuka hingga besok katanya. Besoknya setelah gue bangun tidur, plastik itu udah berubah warna dan menampung cairan berwarna merah pekat. Ternyata itu darah kotor yang membeku. Setelah itu, alhamdulillah tubuh gue kembali sehat dan bisa beraktivitas normal.

Tahun 2019 ini, gue kembali diuji dengan penyakit parah. Tubuh gue terdiagnosis terkena virus Tuberculosis atau yang lebih orang kenal dengan TBC. Penyakit ini mematikan karena membuat penderitanya menjadi sangat lemah dan pelan-pelan mereka nggak akan mampu melakukan apapun, lalu meninggal. Penyakit ini juga sangat mudah menular melalui batuk, bersin, dan berbicara karena dia ditularkan melalui dahak dan udara. Oleh karena itulah, banyak yang memiliki stigma negatif tentang pasien TBC dan malah menjauhi mereka karena takut akan tertular. Apalagi Indonesia menempati urutan ke-2 di dunia yang memiliki penyakit TBC. (Source: Kompas.com).

Sebelum resmi terdiagnosis TBC, gue memang mengalami tubuh menjadi sangat lemas. Gue bahkan nggak sanggup melakukan pekerjaan rumah seperti beres-beres saking lemasnya. Anehnya, meski makan sedikit karena selalu mual dan kadang muntah setelahnya, tingkat BAB (Buang Air Besar) gue justru bertambah, bisa 3x sehari dan bentuknya encer. Berat badan turun drastis dari 48 kg jadi 39 kg. Kata Mama, mata gue jadi cekung ke dalam saking kurusnya. Nafsu makan yang menurun ini berlangsung selama beberapa bulan, ditambah batuk yang gue diamkan meski tambah parah hingga sebulan lebih. Emang gitu anaknya.... suka menantang penyakit, sok kuat, merasa bahwa batuknya akan sembuh sendiri asal makan banyak dan nggak mau buang-buang uang (padahal nggak punya uang wkwk). 

Setelah 3 malam berturut-turut, gue mengalami batuk yang parah dan sulit berhenti, tubuh gue menjadi amat sangat lemas, gue akhirnya memutuskan berangkat ke Puskesmas untuk berobat. Diagnosis awal Dokter adalah infeksi Paru-Paru, lalu setelah menjalani tes dahak dan tes darah, tiga hari kemudian gue pun resmi terdiagnosis TBC. 

Mama yang menemani sepanjang proses pengobatan adalah yang paling panik dan overdramatik ketika mendengar diagnosis Dokter. Beliau ingat kalau dulu salah satu Asisten Rumah Tangga-nya juga pernah terkena TBC dan harus disuntik setiap hari, dan seluruh peralatan makannya harus dipisah. Gue dimarahi karena beliau sebenarnya merasa frustasi dan bersalah karena merasa gara-gara dia nggak merawat gue dengan baik, gue jadi sakit parah. Mama bahkan sempat merasa bahwa gara-gara kecerobohannya dia sehingga gue terlahir prematur, maka daya tahan tubuh gue jadi melemah. Tapi karena rasa sedih, frustasi, dan bersalah yang besar dalam waktu yang tiba-tiba itu, Mama jadi memarahi gue dalam kesedihannya sambil meyakinkan gue di saat yang bersamaan bahwa dia akan berusaha merawat gue hingga sembuh apapun caranya dan berapapun harganya. Jadi, Mama itu marah tapi sayang, dan gue jadi antara sedih dan senang menerima amarahnya, hehe.

Dokter TBC yang menangani gue bernama Reza. Dokter Reza menjelaskan bahwa tipe TBC (?) yang gue derita belum kronis, belum cukup parah dan gue masih bisa melakukan rawat jalan di rumah. Dokter Reza juga menegaskan kalau gue nggak perlu memisahkan peralatan makan selama dicuci bersih setelah digunakan. Penyakit TBC ini juga bukan dikarenakan seorang anak terlahir prematur, jadi Mama nggak perlu menyalahkan dirinya. Gue juga meyakinkan Mama bahwa daya tahan tubuh gue menurun memang karena kesalahan gue sendiri yang tidak cukup disiplin dalam menjaga gaya hidup. Makan sehari sekali, ngopi 3 kali, tidur pagi, nggak pernah olahraga, minum es mulu pula, hal-hal yang sudah seharusnya dapat gue kendalikan sebagai orang dewasa, jadi penyakit gue ini bukan karena Mama lalai dalam merawat gue, tapi gue sendiri yang acuh pada kesehatan. I think it is safe to say that I deserved this illness.


Alhamdulillah, pengobatan pasien TBC di Indonesia itu digratiskan oleh Pemerintah, jadi gue yang tidak punya BPJS ini hanya perlu membayar biaya tes laboratorium dan pengobatan awal. Pengobatan dan kontrol selanjutnya bebas biaya. Gue wajib minum 3 tablet merah khusus pasien TBC sekali sehari dan tidak boleh putus selama 2 bulan di jam yang sama. Waktu Ramadan, gue wajib meminumnya jam 2.30 pagi, lalu setelah Ramadan selesai, jadwal minum obat gue diubah menjadi jam 6 pagi. Kalau sampai satu hari aja kelewatan meminum 3 obat itu, gue harus memulai pengobatan dari awal dan kemungkinan akan berefek lebih parah di tubuh, dan mungkin gue harus disuntik setiap hari di Rumah Sakit, jadi gue berusaha keras mendisiplinkan diri untuk telaten minum obatnya, meski agak berat dikarenakan insomnia gue yang parah sih. Kadang kalau jam 3 pagi belum bisa tidur, gue akan panik takut kesiangan untuk bangun minum obat. Akhirnya gue berkorban nggak tidur aja sampai jam 6 pagi.

Sejak memulai pengobatan, lemas di tubuh gue jauh berkurang dan nafsu makan gue bertambah. Mama juga sangat luar biasa, beliau rela beli daging dan ayam yang mahal demi gue bisa makan sehat dan sesuai selera sesuai saran Dokter, padahal gue tahu keuangan keluarga sedang kurang baik, tapi Mama rela melakukan apapun agar anak-anaknya makan enak dan sehat. Berat badan gue pun naik 4 kg dalam 2 minggu dan hal itu memotivasi gue untuk makan banyak agar bisa mendapatkan berat badan normal lagi. She is my greatest support system during this illness indeed.

Penyakit ini juga membuat gue jauh lebih positif dan nggak mudah stress, anehnya gue sangat berusaha mendoktrin diri gue untuk tidak mudah ke-trigger stress kayak dulu-dulu karena gue ingin hidup dengan baik. Gue sudah merasa menjadi beban yang berat bagi keluarga dan gue nggak mau memperparah penyakit gue dengan stress dan depresi, jadi apapun keadaannya, gue harus bahagia. Wah, ternyata udah panjang banget tulisannya. Saking lamanya nggak nulis, entah kenapa ada banyak hal yang ingin disampaikan. Gue merasa menjalani hidup sebagai penderita TBC adalah salah satu fase penting yang harus gue abadikan untuk pelajaran di masa depan. Siapapun yang rela membaca ini hingga habis, terima kasih banyak dan mohon doa terbaiknya agar gue kuat menghadapi penyakit ini dan menuntaskan pengobatan hingga 6 bulan ke depan.

Friday, February 15, 2019

Stop Sharing

Apparently, knowing that you have always been considered as a burden by someone you love is really hurt. But then again, there is no one to be blamed except me for being a burden. And lately, even when I shared my anxieties and sorrows, it will become a burden too.

I wanted to be heard. I wanted someone to comfort me when I shared those sufferings, but what I got is a warning not to be weak and insecure. Sufferings, after all, should be kept to ourselves, right? No one should be burdened by our problems because they have enough on their own.

So, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to cause sadness and sorrow. And if by keeping all my problems and anxieties to myself will make the world around me happier, then it's okay for me to let all these thrashes get rotten alone inside of me.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Thank You, AIPA

Alhamdulillah, three months passed, and I was able to finish my internship at AIPA Secretariat. The earlier days were very shocking to me. I was just getting out from months of hibernation at home, I hadn't socialized with people for a long time. But at the same time, despite the difficulties, I was able to learn new things and skills.

While doing an internship at AIPA, I also learned a lot about myself and my weaknesses. I probably have aware of them but somehow always push them to the very end of my mind, 'cause they are all negative. I mean, just my usual thoughts on a daily basis already negative enough for me to handle. I realized that as I grow older, it's getting really really difficult to get to know new people. I didn't mean to do it, but somehow the wall between me and them is really hard to break for myself. I tried so hard to remind myself every time: join the conversation, make some compliments, laugh at their jokes, don't get busy with your own thought.

But the thing is... once there are more than 3 people in the circle, my mouth will automatically shut, especially when they're the hardcore extroverts who really love to talk. If everyone is already talking, then I don't feel the need to talk at all. Maybe because we haven't built a relationship that's close enough for me to be comfortable talking to them. But even just as a bystander, I still somehow enjoyed the time I had at AIPA, doing research, writing, and learn to create graphic design.

I always bring my own lunch because I don't have money to buy food. The only person whom I can comfortably talk with is Bu Nyoman, a 40+ years old mother who easily laughs and sat beside my desk. She is so cheerful and loves to tell the story about her daughter. Apparently, she finds me a really good listener for her because I actually caught all the details she told me. Bu Nyoman also always notice that I never went outside for lunch, so she started bringing me some snacks and foods every day. She is truly a mother. I was a little bit lonely today because she couldn't come to the office, but that's okay. She lives at Ciputat where almost all my friends lived so I will have a chance to visit her in the future.

The other thing that I learned is to properly greet everyone and say "Good Morning" and properly say "See you tomorrow...". Let me be honest with you. I always thought those greetings only happen in a movie. There was a time when I also try to look cheerful all the time because we had some party. Everyone was laughing and comfortably joking with each other and me trying to be a normal person, it would be rude if all I show is a dead face. So, I tried to laugh at some jokes. I'm not trying to fake myself, I just try my best to be polite. I ended up exhausted so much that I needed to go to the kitchen to have some alone time. Then, I decided to wash the dishes just so I can have an excuse to get out of the situation. It is really difficult to fit in, to join the crowd... So the fault is in me because I couldn't make myself comfortable around new people. So if I ended up didn't leave an impression, I couldn't blame anyone. The problem is within myself and I find it really hard to change that.

But there are moments that I genuinely enjoyed too. When some of my colleagues took me to karaoke, just a few numbers of people, and I was truly grateful.

Somebody told me that if you don't get anything valuables, you're beyond stupid if you choose to stay. I find it quite alright with just building a new relationship with new people and getting knowledge. And by making new friends, which I hardly ever done, is a form of blessing, isn't it? So no matter how exhausting it is for me to try to fit in (and failed miserably), no matter how exhausted I was, I'm still truly grateful for the time I had at AIPA. I was finally able to start something and properly finish it and leave the place properly, saying goodbye properly. It is a big step at least for myself because I usually just decided to disappear and never say proper greeting or goodbye. So for all those things I learned, I thanked AIPA for that.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Magang di AIPA

Can you believe that 2018 is almost over? Ya Allah, udah membuat pencapaian apa aja ya tahun ini? Kok tau-tau udah hampir akhir November aja 😅

Hallo, apa kabar? Sudah lama nggak curhat disini, padahal dulu kalau ada apa-apa pasti larinya kesini. Semakin dewasa, semua semakin fokus dengan hidupnya sendiri. Bukan berarti itu hal yang negatif ya, justru semakin gue semakin memaklumi dan memahami orang-orang yang memutuskan fokus pada dirinya sendiri. Tingkat masalah, beban, depresi, dan stress kita semakin tinggi, dan yang menanggung semua itu adalah diri kita masing-masing dan kita nggak bisa selalu mengharapkan bantuan orang lain, apalagi kalau lo introvert akut kayak gue. Jangankan minta bantuan orang lain, menyapa "HAI" aja semakin tua semakin deg-degan rasanya, padahal muda dulu gue orangnya cukup agresif lho sampe bisa 3 tahun chatting sama stranger dan jatuh cinta, wkwk. Moonmaap ini kenapa jadi kesini sih, Den? Move on apa move on *efek nulis sambil dengerin OST Dilan 1990 💔  

Hmmm... pembukaannya jadi lebih panjang dan ngelantur dari yang gue rencanakan. Oke, kembali ke pencapaian 2018 yang hampir berakhir ini, selain keberhasilan gue mencapai wisuda setelah bertahun-tahun ngaret, akhirnya gue berhasil keluar dari zona nyaman gue dengan mengambil magang di AIPA Secretariat. Sejujurnya, sebelum di AIPA, gue beberapa kali nggak datang panggilan Interview kerja karena merasa takut ketemu orang. Seriusan. Di otak gue itu bayangannya seolah pas Interview, mereka akan menilai gue habis-habisan dan gue akan gagal karna nggak memenuhi syarat dll, padahal belum mencoba, udah overthinking duluan. Sedih 😢 

Gue apply magang di AIPA ini atas rekomendasi kakak gue yang bekerja di NGO (Non-Government Organisation) dan kebetulan persyaratannya sesuai dengan gue. Ya udah, iseng apply dan ternyata dipanggi Interview. Seperti biasa, penyakit overthinking nya muncul, tapi kali ini nggak bisa kabur karena diawasi kakak gue yang sepertinya sangat suportif (baca: maksa) dengan pilihan ini. Datanglah gue ke kantor AIPA yang ternyata letaknya satu wilayah dengan Gedung DPR-MPR RI. 


Gue cukup kaget dan merasa terintimidasi hanya dengan melihat lokasi gedungnya aja karena gue cuma baca kalau posisi kantor nya di Gedung Nusantara III. Ternyata Gedung Nusantara III itu bagian dari Gedung DPR-MPR RI. Tegang banget gue ketika masuk dari pintu gerbangnya dan menelusuri jalan masuk ke dalam yang lumayan jauh menuju AIPA, apalagi sistem keamanannya ketat. Tiap masuk pintu, ada security yang memeriksa tas mereka yang bukan pegawai. Makin deg-degan laaah...

Proses Interview nggak setegang yang gue bayangkan. Sejujurnya, gue merasa akan gagal sih karena ketika interview, gue entah sadar atau enggak memberitahu mereka kalau gue Introvert ketika mereka menanyakan kelemahan gue apa. Lalu mbak Ajeng, salah satu yang interview gue bilang, "Introvert itu bukan kelemahan kok." Gue paham sih, tapi gue ngerasa gue memberikan bad impression dengan jawaban itu. Ditambah lagi ketika test desain grafis, gue nggak bisa menyelesaikannya on time karena laptop pinjaman gue nggak berfungsi, dan gue terpaksa meminta mereka mengizinkan gue mengerjakannya di rumah dan mengirim hasilnya ke mereka. Setelah semua proses itu, gue udah nggak terlalu berharap akan diterima magang, tapi beberapa hari kemudian gue dapat email yang menyatakan gue diterima. Jadi sejak tanggal 5 November 2018 lalu, gue sudah mulai magang di AIPA Secretariat dan meninggalkan rutinitas bangun sesukanya di rumah. Alhamdulillah, jangan? 😆

AIPA itu adalah kepanjangan dari ASEAN Inter-Parliamentary Assembly (AIPA), organisasi parlemen yang berfungsi sebagai pusat komunikasi dan informasi di antara Anggota Parlemen, yaitu 10 negara ASEAN. Detailnya bisa dibaca di sini. Gue sendiri masuk ke Departemen ICT (Information, Communication, and Technology) dan bertanggung jawab membuat konten media sosial AIPA beserta desain grafis yang mewakilinya. Ada 3 orang lagi di Tim ICT, namanya mbak Ajeng, mas Reski, dan mas Efran. Konten yang kita buat adalah segala sesuatu tentang negara-negara ASEAN. Antara sulit dan nggak sulit, sih karena tema per-hari nya udah ada, tinggal research aja dan membuat tulisan singkat padat jelas mengenai tema itu. Tapi, dikarenakan udah lama banget nggak nulis, gue cukup banyak melakukan kesalahan di tugas-tugas awal gue. 😌

Bagian tersulitnya bagi gue adalah membuat desain grafis yang mewakili kontennya. Memang sih, gue sempat belajar ilmu desain grafis Adobe Photoshop, tapi itu 3 tahun lalu ketika gue masih bekerja di Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta, itupun otodidak dan masih banyak skill-skill yang belum gue kuasai, sedangkan sejak berhenti, jarang banget tangan ini melakukan desain-desain itu kecuali untuk bikin fanart anime yang gayanya beda jauh dengan standar desain grafis AIPA 😅 Gue juga jadi menyadari sifat-sifat dalam diri gue yang mungkin sudah gue ketahui, tapi baru gue sungguh sadari ketika gue mulai bekerja di AIPA. Ketika membuat desain grafis, otak gue sangat mudah terdistraksi dari satu ide ke ide berikutnya, dan gue bisa menghabiskan berjam-jam bergulat dengan ide-ide itu aja sambil kebingungan karena nggak paham teori membuatnya di Adobe Photoshop. Atau paham, tapi nggak sepenuhnya sehingga hasil yang gue buat masih jauh dari yang ada di bayangan gue. Tugas-tugas itu sempat membuat gue stress banget karena berbagai revisi dan kritik selalu membuat gue merasa, "I'm not good enough for this job", padahal nggak jarang juga mereka memuji, tapi yang terngiang-ngiang di telinga gue cuma revisinya dan kritiknya. Duh, kurang-kurangin napa, Den.

Hal lain yang gue sadari dan cukup membuat gue terkejut adalah ketika gue dengan mudah bisa mengobrol dengan ibu Nyoman di hari pertama kerja, salah satu pegawai AIPA Secretariat yang senior, usianya udah mendekati usia nyokab gue. Gue yang butuh 3 tahun mengingat wajah seluruh teman sekelas gue ini waktu kuliah 😅 Beliau sangat ekstrovert tapi juga lugu dan polos, suka sekali ngobrol dan berbagi makanan dan gue nggak merasakan kecanggungan berbicara dengan beliau. Yang cukup melegakan adalah karena Tim ICT berkomunikasi lewat group WhatsApp meski kita satu ruangan, meja depan-depanan, untuk mendiskusikan konten dan desain grafis, gue lebih mampu menuliskan isi otak gue lewat tulisan dibanding bicara lansung, so that's a relief. Gue juga jadi banyak belajar informasi baru tentang negara-negara ASEAN and some of these informations are actually fascinating to learn so that's good.

Gue masih butuh banyak adaptasi dengan lingkungan baru dan rutinitas baru ini, tapi tujuan gue dari awal adalah satu: ingin belajar. Ada beberapa kerabat yang menanyakan, "Umur segini, kok, baru mulai magang?" Hal yang juga gue tertawakan ke diri gue sendiri, tapi ya mungkin memang begini jalannya. Setiap pertemuan dan perpisahan dalam hidup kita itu pasti ada maksud dan tujuannya. Insha Allah gue akan menjalani magang ini hingga Februari 2019. Semoga kali ini gue bisa menyelesaikannya hingga akhir dengan baik dan mengucapkan perpisahan secara proper tanpa ada penyesalan :")

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Everything is Possible (and FUN) when You Do It with Style and Pretty Dreams - Jimi ni Sugoi (Jdrama)


Jimi ni Sugoi!
Pretty Proofreader

Whoaaa... I haven't written anything here since February, now it's almost the end of May already June. Yeah, I kept this in the draft for a while and wasn't able to bring myself to write but now I'm ready. But before we get to the review, Ramadhan Mubarak everyone!! We've reached a blissful month once again, Alhamdulillah. May our fast and deeds are accepted by Allah SWT 😉

This drama is titled Jimi ni Sugoi (Simplicity is Great) starring the always adorable Satomi Ishihara, Suda Masaki, and Tsubasa Honda. The official English title for this drama is Pretty Proofreader. It's also based on the novel "Koetsu Garu" by Ayako Miyagi. 

GIF by by shinees on Tumblr
This drama was released in 2016, and yes, I always late at picking up new dramas, I'm sorry for waiting for the subtitles to be finished instead of blindly watching it with zero Japanese knowledge 😋 But seriously, I'm really thankful that I decided to watch it. Satomi has always been one of my favorite Japanese actresses and I'm glad that the drama itself is really wonderful, it is the kind of story that a hopeless adult who's struggling to find meaning in her job like me needed now 😤

The Story
GIF by by banghae on Tumblr
Meet Etsuko Kono (Satomi Ishihara), a 28-year-old extrovert woman who loves fashion and aspired to become a fashion editor at Lassy Magazine, Keibonsha. For 7 years, Etsuko has been applying for the same position at Keibonsha without ever giving up until one day she finally got accepted, but instead of being assigned at Lassy, Etsuko was sent to work at Proofreading Department. Her job is to correct errors and inadequate parts of documents and copies. Etsuko determined to be transferred to Lassy and reach her goal to be a fashion editor, so she decided to do her job as Proofreader seriously in order to get promoted. Although Etsuko finds the job as a proofreader to be bland and dull at first, she learns to enjoy every second of her work by doing various things to make her job as a Proofreader interesting.

A Kind of Drama that I Needed
Screencap by babiesfortheroad on Tumblr
Honestly, I didn't expect that this drama would touch me that much when I first started it. Of course, I already know that Satomi Ishihara will perform brilliantly as always, but this drama is really something that I didn't know I needed until I watched it. Etsuko's character is the kind of person whom I can't relate because of how extrovert and honest she is in speaking her mind, but the way she handled her job and tried many ways to keep her job interesting made me realized that sometimes you don't need to have your dream job to be completely happy. Etsuko was surrounded by co-workers who are also at the state where they felt bored with their job and the repetitive routine, most of her co-workers only doing their job halfheartedly, even when they are doing their dream job. All because they forgot about what makes the job fun.

GIF by doramaticbites on Tumblr
There's Tomoko Morio (Tsubasa Honda), Etsuko's junior who's working at Lassy as one of the fashion editor's assistants, a job that Etsuko has been dreaming to have. Tomoko was a model and enjoyed fashion, but she hardly can enjoy her work, mostly because she felt inferior to others and decided to just go with the flow instead of trying her best to prove her worth. She was jealous of Etsuko's outgoing and honest personality that even when she didn't get the job that she wanted, Etsuko was still able to enjoy her job wholeheartedly.

GIF by  adachisyuto on Tumblr
Then there's Yukito Orihara (Suda Masaki), a talented masked writer who aspired to become a writer but didn't have enough courage to improve his writing and ended up making such boring stories. Etsuko fell in love with Yukito at first sight, didn't realized that she has been proofread one of Yukito's novels. After they get to know each other, Yukito learned that having talent isn't enough to be able to do your dream job, you need to have an open mind and willpower to improve yourself.

Actually, the other side characters are also really interesting and have such an amazing independent story, they have their own struggles in their job too. As a viewer, I can totally relate to all of these character's struggles. I've also been asking the same question. Is it worth it to spend my time doing a job I don't really like or should I try to pursue my dream job? The answer is easy and something I've already known, 'though I didn't like it before. Now I can totally see it from a whole different perspective: It is worth it to spend the day doing a job that you don't like because sadly, not everyone can have their dream job, but as humans, we must keep moving forward and try our best to live. Having your dream job doesn't always mean happiness, if you are not able to improvise and find the happiness in the job that you do, no matter what job you're doing, it would not be interesting. It is okay to keep pursuing your dream job and set a goal, but don't ever stop once you meet failure, don't ever think that life ends there just because you cannot get what you want. The least you can do is trying to do your best in everything to do, even when it is the kind of job that doesn't get acknowledgment from people or you don't get appreciated, just focus on what you're doing, not on what other people think. You never know, but maybe from all these efforts you did, the knowledge you gained will be useful and help you reach your dream. Just be proud of your current work.

GIF by manydramaslittletime on Tumblr
So, like I said before, I really need this drama in my life now, especially when I'm jobless and not sure where to apply for a job. I felt inferior and not confident and I had this strong stubbornness that I won't do anything that doesn't involve my passion. Gosh... How wrong I was. How could I forget that I spent 8 months delightful moments at Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta, doing a job I don't really like at first, but ended up liking it so much and managed to learn new skills like Graphic Design. I shouldn't be too afraid to take on new challenges, it would all be alright in the end as long as I keep learning. No knowledge will go to waste. After I watched this drama, I get this strong encouragement to apply for a job in more varied companies instead of just choosing the ones that I can do. Even if I have to learn from scratch, I won't be afraid anymore. Wish me tons of luck, and thank you for reading!

Monday, February 26, 2018

I Finally Graduated!

Alhamdulillah, last week I have officially graduated from UIN Syarif Hidayatullah Jakarta after 7 years of struggling with anxieties and kept questioning myself whether I should continue the study or just drop out. I'm so relieved and thankful that I was able to win those negative thoughts and graduate properly although it is late compared to normal students. With the help and support from my family and friends, I was able to push myself and believe in myself.


To be completely honest, I never expect that day would come since I thought I might not gonna make it to graduation. And there were so many obstacles along the way, it was almost impossible to register for graduation ceremony due to some financial problems and some errors from the college itself, so when that day finally approached me, I was like, is it happen for real? Am I really going to MY graduation ceremony?

Well, I couldn't help but felt overjoyed and excited, even when some people said it's too late for me to celebrate (due to my 7 years of study), I still wanted to celebrate it. I couldn't hide my happiness no matter how much I wanted to stay cool and calm, I kept grinning and smiling throughout the graduation day. That's how grateful I was and I still am. And apparently, my parents were just as excited as I did, I could see so much happiness in my mother's eyes, she's been angry a lot with me and said she doesn't care anymore about my graduation, but when the day finally came, she showed me how much she's proud and relieved that one of her children has managed to graduate college again. I'm so sorry for making you wait this long, mom, thank you for never give up on me (although you said you gave up, you never really did and always showered me with your love, I'm beyond grateful)...


Another chapter in the book has finished. It's time to write a new one. I know what I want to do, I know what my dream is, and I wish I could make it happen. Everything will come at the right time, and all I need to do is pray and work hard for it. Alhamdulillah, Ya Allah, I can never expressed how much I'm thankful for all the miracles You have given to my life. I'm not yet a good Muslimah and yet You never stopped showing me Your Mercy. I wish I could be someone who is beneficial for my surroundings and help them for Allah SWT sake. And thank you again to my family and friends who never give up on me no matter how messed up I was. You have no idea how much your help means to me. Once again, I'm beyond grateful. Alhamdulillah.