True Happiness?

Maybe my soul has been attached to sadness and sorrow. I can never have a single day without being so depressed about so many things, but I keep it all inside. I couldn't scream. I couldn't yell at anyone. Everything just being locked up inside of me while slowly growing into a very big, painful wound. I'm saved by my faith. I cried in my prayers. Maybe I should feel this sad so I would beg for His comfort every day. Maybe I should feel this much depressed so I would stay humble. Somehow, I learned that pain has become a big part of my life. Even though I have to spend hours for crying instead of sleeping, but I always ended up spending the night with Him. If I were so happy, maybe I would be far from Him. Maybe the reason I was given this illness is because Allah wants me to stay grounded and give my soul and sadness only to Him. Because only after I felt this much pain, I would feel the most happiness after I give it all to Him.

Naive

Today I learned something about myself. I'm more naive than I thought I am. I always put my feelings way too deep in everything I do and that is why I often hurt myself from expecting way too much from others. I can't just ignore it when things go wrong in front of me. I know for a fact that things will get better for them. I know that it's not my capacity to do something or say anything. I know the thing that I thought was bad might not really as bad as it seems. But I just wish, somehow, people will at least show their concern, or someone will tell that lady that it's gonna be alright and ensure her that it's not as bad as she thought. That would be enough for me.

I remember the day before, my mom came home after work and she looked so down, and she told me that she was being misunderstood by her colleagues and no one was there for her at that time. I remember how sad my mom was, and that's why I felt related to the lady at my workplace. I know she might just misunderstood things, but I saw her face and how she almost cried. I remember my mom and I felt like I should do something to her. But I don't know what to do, my colleagues didn't seem to be bothered by what just happened in front of them. 

Oh, well... maybe it's just casual things that always happen. And maybe I was being overthinking. But still I think it would be much better if someone actually tried to cheer up the lady. So, I ran downstairs in hoping to catch her up and maybe talk a bit to make her feel better, but she's gone already. And I couldn't help but felt guilty.

Again, this is just me being overthinking and a bit shocked on the new working world that I just got in, and maybe soon or later I will learn to get used to it like the others. Maybe somehow I will learn to understand that I'm not responsible for everything and that everyone has their own problems. It's perfectly normal.

But still, if that happened to my mom, or even to me, I would hope for someone to cheer me up and ensure me that it's not as bad as I thought it was. Oh, maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just my absurd mind.

Keep it to Yourself

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

The idea that you should never tell your worries or weakness to others
The idea that you should only keep your complains to yourself because self-pity is not cool
The idea that you have to remain strong and never disturb anyone with your sad story

Honestly

Those ideas and rules really make me feel breathless. I tried my best to keep my problems to myself. I do share my worries but I tried to keep it not as transparent as possible because I know I should keep it to myself. For someone with social anxieties and abnormal mood and brain, those ideas really make me feel exhausted. I always feel like crying and telling people my problems. But I ended up putting on a flat face when something inside of me is actually exploding. It becomes terrifying at night, as I could not hold it in anymore. It becomes chaos within me, it drives me insane, and it happened every night.

Indeed, those rules somehow make me feel closer to God because I will only cry my heart out to Him. But somewhere deep down, I wish I would have at least one person to share these terrifying things and tell me that it's gonna be okay. 'Cause that's what I will do for my friends. But maybe if I never call them, they will never know if I needed them. I should never hope that somehow their 'BFF' instinct would make them aware of my condition. A simple, "You're okay today, right?" mean so much to me. I remember one friend actually ask me this and I still remember it 'til now. Simply because I remember they once cared. But I know that they also have their own problems. And the rules of 'keep your problems to yourself' should be applied here. That's why I never really call anyone 'though I'm feel like dying inside. This is not a movie where you can always depend on your bestfriend's instinct.

But still.
I wish it is.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

A Friend?

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Yesterday felt like fairy tale to me. I didn't believe it actually happened. But fate simply didn't connect us together today. Those signs and feelings that bestfriends supposed to have, we didn't have it. That makes me question this friendship? Is it real? Or is it just me who feel this way? Maybe I should have called you instead of hoping for your 'bff' instinct to realized that I was there, that I needed your presence. Or maybe I should stop expecting a helping hand from anyone whenever I felt depressed. Be it you or my parents. I should only tell my worries and anxieties to God.

I always remind myself to be independent, to free myself from getting addicted to anybody's presence to make me feel safe, but I always fail miserably. Do we really need a soulmate? Even God created Eve for Adam? Is it too much for me to expecting a soulmate too?

The more I grown up, the more I separate myself from the crowd, but at the same time, the more I'm afraid that I will somehow end up alone.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Sampah

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Halo. Apa kabar?

Gue hanya ingin meluapkan beberapa hal saja.

Alhamdulillah sekarang gue sudah bekerja (benar-benar bekerja, bukan sekedar freelance sana sini atau bantu orang translate artikel terus dibayar), tapi benar-benar bekerja, dimana gue harus datang ke kantor dari jam tertentu hingga jam tertentu, dan dibayar dengan gaji standar UMR. Alhamdulillah, ada kelegaan ketika gue membayangkan di awal bulan nanti, gue sudah punya uang sendiri untuk membiayai hidup gue, bahkan bisa berbagi dengan orangtua, adik, kakak, saudara... (amiiiin)

Tapi, sekarang masih akhir bulan. Seperti layaknya orang-orang, akhir bulan adalah masa dimana kantong menipis, apalagi gue yang notabene baru memulai pekerjaan ini. Harus rela tidak makan siang dan menggantinya dengan kopi yang bisa bikin gue merasa 'kenyang' demi berhemat. Ditambah lagi, gue masih harus bolak-balik kampus untuk latihan lomba Paduan Suara Penabur 2015. 

Iya. 

Gue masih aktif di kampus, di Padus lebih tepatnya. 

Skripsi? Entahlah. Sudah lupa. 

Kuliah yang terbengkalai? Entahlah. Semakin tak ingin menyentuhnya. 

Sementara orangtua terus menekan untuk lulus, dan melihat teman-teman bahkan junior satu persatu wisuda membuat beban itu semakin besar di pundak. Beban yang gue terus tekan dan tekan ke dalam sehingga kadang membuat gue merasa sesak di malam hari ketika teringat lagi. Gue punya masalah berbeda dengan orang lain. Gue merasa sangat sulit, ditambah minder, ketika harus bertemu teman kelas baru dan dosen baru. Sudah berapa lama gue mengalami hal ini dan nggak pernah berani mengungkapkannya pada orangtua atau siapapun.

Gue mungkin akan dianggap malas. Tidak apa-apa. Toh hanya sedikit orang-orang di sekitar gue yang memiliki social anxiety seperti gu, jadi mengharapkan orang-orang untuk mengerti hanyalah harapan yang sia-sia. Lagipula tak ada pentingnya mereka mengerti. Bukan urusan mereka juga.

Lalu, apa poinnya gue menulis disini? Tulisan yang jauh dari menginspirasi atau mengandung pelajaran berarti, hanya sekedar luapan hati yang sudah mengotori nurani. Berharap dengan menuliskannya, bisa paling tidak membuat gue lega, membuat sampah pikiran berkurang. 

Tapi sepertinya... sama saja. Tak ada bedanya. Tetap berat.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Breathless

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Even until now, the words that you spoke to me still gave me heartache, and I don't know when will I be able to recover from this heartbreak. You, the one whom I trust and love the most, could said those hurtful things to me. Even when you saw me cried, you didn't stop. You kept saying as if I'm the worst human that ever been born in this earth. You made me feel worthless, you made me believe that maybe... my existence was just disappointment for everyone.

For you, I will never be good enough... I will never lift up to your expectation, I will make you disappointed again, no matter how much I've tried to be good enough.

I swear I cried in my prayer and the only thing I asked is for Him to take me away from this world. To free me from this pain. If my existence will only make you feel miserable, there is no point for me living in this world. I know I have no choice but to forgive you. But I wish my heart will easily heal itself. Sadly, it doesn't. Now, I'm feel like living in the emptiness. I'm still doing what I must to do, but my heart keeps aching all the time. It cries in silence.You mught have forgotten what you said to me in a blink of an eye, but for me, those words keep ringing in my ears all the time. I'm feel worthless all over again...

I don't want to feel that way. I beg for God to make me become for forgiving. I beg for God to give me amnesia. I beg for God to make me stronger.

But only this time, I'm feel like it's all useless. I'm so breathless. I want to end my life.

The only thing that keeps me away from committing these acts, is because I remember that it would be sinful to commit suicide. If I don't have Islam, I might would have killed myself last night.

...................................

I wish this wounds will be healed somehow.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Daily Routine Change

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

1. I choose to stay awake after Fajr instead of fulfill my desire to sleep. It makes me feel less tired and more healthy. It was so difficult for me to sleep early and wake up early, and maybe that's why I often felt tired.

2. I choose to focus on my prayer, no matter how busy I might be, I will try my best not to fasten it and try to perform the best prayer. I've been praying since I was a kid, but I'm feel like these past few days, I finally knew how it felt to be completely 'khusyuk' to the point that I could cry in my sujood. It makes me feel relieved.

3. I choose to start wearing skirts and bigger clothes to cover my body, no matter how people say that I look fatter in it. I may have not been able to wear a completely syar'i clothes, but I'm trying my best, slowly, to reach that point. Honestly, bigger clothes do make me feel safer and more modest, and I'm feel so comfortable because nobody stared at me anymore with 'flirty' look. You know, eventhough you wear a hijab, if you don't wear it right, some irresponsible people would still treat you with less respect.

4. I choose to start reading books again, and it felt great. It's sad that I stopped reading a book for almost a year now, I don't know why I do that. I used to love reading so much. And when I finally come back to this habit (and found a really good book to start over), I'm feel like a part of me is completed. It makes me thirsty of reading. And what I mean is reading a real book, not articles or short stories, or gossip from internet. When I finished a really good book, I'm feel like something inside of me has been accomplished. I don't exactly know what that is, but it makes me feel like I've just travel to a new distant beautiful place.

5. I choose to lessen my make up, unless for occasional events such as concert, weddings, and something that require performance. I want to accept who I am. I never feel like I'm pretty, to be honest. Until few days ago, I still hated my own look and that's partially one of the reasons of my shyness. Ever since I was kid, I got bullied a lot. Kids around primary school age at that time didn't want to be friend with someone who's never placed in class ranking, has a brown skin, curly hair, and don't know how to talk properly. It kinda affected me to the point that I believed that I'm not pretty enough to be accepted. But as I grow up and getting to know more people, I realized that outer appearance is not the most important thing to be accepted. A good heart and good manner is more important than that. I didn't say we all have to act elegantly or pretend to be nice to be accepted, but let's try our best not to hurt anyone with our words or action. And put on a smile more often, that's the best make up we could share for free.

6. I choose to express myself not only through my writing, but in my real life and behavior as well, and that's the hardest thing to do. I have a serious issue with shyness, it took me a whole year to remember my classmates name in college and even until now, I still don't think I know them really well. That's partially because I never expressed myself in front of them. Tho, I think that being silent, sitting beside the windows, and putting on a flat face is also my daily expression, I realized that I never really say what I really want to say to my friends. This is something I need to change. Confidence to be who I wanna be. Sometimes I used excuse that being silent and introvert is also a part of me, but I know that's not the real case. Sure, I probably won't change into a very talkative person so suddenly, but at the very least, I will try to speak what I need to speak and tell what I need to tell. Wish me luck on this!!

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.