Stressful Rants

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm still struggling with the same things even after all these years: SKRIPSI (Undergraduate Thesis). Except that I'm making a little progress these days and actually working on it. I admired those who are able to focus on many things at the same time, even on the things they disliked, because I cannot do that. That's why most of the time, I have a hard time dealing with things. For example, I seriously love choir and teaching, so I would put my full efforts when it comes to them. I don't even mind if I don't get paid since I always get the ultimate happiness whenever I teach and do choir stuff. But on the contrary, when it comes to the things I dislike, like my college, it's hard to bring myself to do it properly. You know, I took the wrong major and it makes me quite depressed even until now, but it's too late to regret. All I need to do is finish my final thesis and graduate, and then I would be able to live freely, or so I thought.

I always feel like starting over from the very beginning. I kept thinking, what if I were born without musical talents? What if I were born with love for science and math instead? Would my life become easier? After all, most people will always acknowledge those who are gifted in science. I truly want to believe that everyone is different with their special gifts and talents. But if I get to choose, I would probably choose to be someone who is gifted with math or science. That way, I could aim to become a Doctor or a Math teacher because society needs more of that. 

It's such a naive and pathetic thought, I know. People will tell me that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I'm trying hard for it. Maybe if I didn't have the ability to feel things too much, everything will become easier. 

I wish I could stop feeling things too much. It's so disturbing to the point that I ended up ignoring everything. It's better if I don't get too close with people, or they will notice something is weird about me. It's better to keep everything to myself, rather than sharing it with people who will easily judge me. It's better to live this life without expecting much from others so I won't be disappointed.

But even with all these thoughts, in the end, I realized that I cannot live alone. And I cannot ignore those who are dear to me no matter what. Can I just skip over this life, please?