It feels like the world keeps on moving, my days keep going like usual, I'm as busy as everyone else. I will be 30 this year, which shocks me because I started writing on this blog when I was still in high school. In this blog, I used to pour everything I felt, from sadness to happiness to what I love and hate. But as I grow older, I kinda stop myself from doing that. The fear of troubling anyone who read this blog if they read my nonsense sadness and the realization that I am no longer a kid, so I should stop sharing everything I feel here, is one of the reasons I stopped. It's funny... I don't think I've changed. I just learned to shut my feeling up. To stop making a big deal of everything. To stop being dramatic. I keep telling myself that I'm no longer at the age where I can pour my feelings and complaints on social media, including this blog, even though I doubt that anyone ever read this blog anymore.
My life so far is fine. I gained like 5kg within 6 months, which makes me feel healthier than I used to be. I do things at my own pace. Nothing goes awfully wrong or things like that. So, I keep wondering what this emptiness I'm feeling is? Why haven't I changed? Is it the pressure of marriage, of having someone, that comes from my surroundings, that makes me feel like I may want a life partner? Or is it my real desire to have one?
I've always been fine being by myself. I've been sleeping in my bedroom alone for so long, the thought of having a life partner and sharing a bed with them is kinda scary to me, but at the same time, there are times when I also long to have what those happy-looking married couples have. But I don't even trust myself with such commitment or believe that I deserved that. Over the years, my trust in men has kept decreasing. I don't really like men. Only a few men I met in real life are actually kind and decent, but most of the men I ever encountered left me traumatized and scarred. It makes me scared to think that I should spend the rest of my life with one, but at the same time, I also long for that feeling of being cherished. Being together. Is it my true feeling to want to have someone, or is it because of the pressure from my surrounding who seem happy when they married, and the society who thinks unmarried women are not decent? I have all these worries in mind, yet I also don't feel like I can't survive without one. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just want to let my feeling out for once. Maybe I will delete this post later when I already feel better.
Anyway, it's good to be back and write some of my thoughts here. I miss it. Maybe I should make it regularly without caring for someone judging my life or my thoughts anymore. We're adults anyway. We don't care about anyone else. Just being able to survive another repetitive day is already an accomplishment, don't you think?
Oh God... I'm so bored.
