Memories

When the night comes, the loneliness that used to be a friend has now become an enemy who put me in danger. The night brings memories. Memories are meant to be kept in our hearts, they said? But what if the memories can only cause a painful wound? We tried so hard to forget them, but deep inside, we know that those things are impossible to be forgotten. Deep down, we know, those memories are the most precious things we want to cherish because that's the only thing we could have, no matter how much they hurt us, we refused to forget. Because we know, memories are the only things that are left for us to hold. Memories make us laugh because of the good things that happened, at the same time they make us cry because we can never go back to those good old days. And we questioned ourselves, will they ever come back to us? The precious things that we lost? Or are they gone forever? 

The future is uncertain, we can't figure out the answer now. Too afraid to put our hopes up, but deep down we know that we will never stop to pray and wish. The universe, please hear me. And if you can't grant my wish, please make me stronger. 

Memories. We know that memories can be our weakness, but at the same time, those good things that we once had are the things that make us stronger.

A Hardcore Lover

I can say that I'm a hardcore lover. When I love someone or something, I tend to do something crazy. Love in here does not only meant for your significant other but for something else too like love for parents, people, friends, organization.... etc.

❤ I went to a distant island to see my crush when I was 18. My biggest goal was, of course, only to see him. The all-time quote "I will go to the other part of the world only for you..." is actually something I will do.

❤ I stayed in a room only to make sure that he's okay when a teacher made fun of him and embarrassed him in front of many students. I stayed only to make sure he's okay, and to make sure he's not alone, although I had to stay for hours...

❤ I bought a lot of cakes only to make sure that he would have a wonderful, precious birthday. 

❤ I almost broke my feet when my dad got a severe stomachache and seemed dying. I was so afraid that I ran out of my room to find a doctor in the middle of the night, and ended up fell on the stairs and broke my feet. The fear of losing my father scared the hell of me to the point that I would sacrifice anything just to save him.

❤ I spent hours in a place where I feel I belong, although I know sometimes I spent too much time in it, time flies as if I only spent an hour. Maybe because my happiness is in that place that I don't feel like wasting any of my time.

I sometimes overdo it, I feel the need to express love by doing something real because I couldn't say love so easily. Heck! I can never say that magic word, but my body automatically does something to express it, sometimes it feels like I couldn't control it. I don't know why or how? Anyone could show me the way to control feelings? I'm afraid with my own overflowing emotion, drives me crazy sometimes to the point that I can almost hurt myself. My friend said... put only 50% of your feeling to someone you like so you won't get hurt too much... but hey, do I have the strength to control it? No matter what my brain said, my heart just doesn't follow the order. It has its own will and I have no power to control it. The only thing I can do is only trying to make myself as busy as possible to make me forget it little by little. But, magically, when I'm back with myself all alone again... BAM! Those feelings are coming back to me as if they never leave.

I Found Me!

So, have you ever try to google yourself? Today, I actually did it for the first time, and guess what I found: I found some embarrassing blogs that I made before this one.. the trace of my 'alay' moments.. lol. Oh well, everyone has those days. Tapi selain itu, gue juga menemukan resensi novel Saat Aku Mengingat Tuhan yang gue tulis sekitar 4 tahun lalu untuk lomba mewakili sekolah. Gue nggak nyangka ternyata ada yang baca novel aneh itu, hahaha...

Resensi I:
http://ramadhany26.blogspot.com/2012/09/resensi-novel-saat-aku-mengingat-tuhan.html

Resensi II:
http://saung-opini.blogspot.com/2012/09/resensi-novel-saat-aku-mengingat-tuhan.html

Resensi III:
http://www-whil.blogspot.com/2011/12/contoh-resensi.html

It was kinda shocking to find my name in someone else's blog who refers to me as a writer/author of a real book, hehe. It's a good feeling actually, I never really think that someone would read my writing. Although those things aren't really a big deal, they are for me. They remind me of my dream, they remind me of how much I love writing and they made me feel like I actually have started something and I should continue doing it. I'm still writing until now, but I haven't try to write a novel again ever since. I guess it's time to start over, since the lowest point of life is actually the moments when you have a lot in mind, lol. The best way to release stress is put it in writing. Wish me luck! 

Quote

“You said, ‘I love you.’ Why is it that the most unoriginal thing we can say to one another is still the thing we long to hear? ‘I love you’ is always a quotation. You did not say it first and neither did I, yet when you say it and when I say it we speak like savages who have found three words and worship them. I did worship them but now I am alone on a rock hewn out of my own body.”

—

Written on the Body - Jeanette Winterson

Unspoken Words and A New Home

I just realized I was being selfish by saying "Don't disappear again...". What if the best thing for you is by staying away from me? It means if I'm forcing you to stay, I'd hurt you even more. I had so many things to say to you but what's came out was "Aaa... Eee... Hahaha..." It wasn't right. My introvert side actually won again. And yet I don't think we'd have the chance to talk again because I don't want to bring up this topic and make the situation awkward again.

Anyway, I have a new place to pour my heart out now. Well, not really a new place, I've been using it for years but I just started to write something very personal in it these past few days. Because apparently, I need it to make me feel relieved. It's not like I would stop writing in this blog; this will always be my favorite place to write my precious memories, write a poem that reflected what's in my heart, or just some silly opinions, but I need a place to pour my problems in the most honest way so it would decrease the number of my blue/complain tweets too lol.

The Best Thing I've Ever Had

It started without words
And it ended without words too
No promise had ever been made
No confession had ever been stated

I don't know what to call this thing
Was there ever really a thing?
Was it really ever started?
Or was it happened only in my mind?

Did I put my hopes too high?
When there was actually no hope
I couldn't tell the difference
'Cause it felt so real

Maybe I was just imagining things
And was drowned in it too deep
But even if it wasn't real
You were the best thing I've ever had

It would take months, maybe years
To wipe off the tears and heal the wound
To fix the damage that I created myself
It was worth it because it's you

Because you were the best thing I've ever had