It is really scary... getting older. I thought I don't mind being alone and stay in my own world, but seeing so many of my friends finally get married and live what seems to be a wonderful marriage life makes me longing for someone too. I know better than anyone that getting married doesn't guarantee happiness. I'm the witness of a broken marriage, and yet I'm still longing for someone. I'm just getting more afraid to be alone, but I also don't want just anybody to keep me company.
And that's why I let myself get carried away with those kinds of feelings, knowing full well that maybe his company was only pity and kindness, not because I'm special or something. I know that really well, yet I'm still holding on to some hopes. That's why it's painful when I want to be near him, or hoping he will notice my loneliness and talk to me like always, he didn't. I'm reminded again that it was all mere kindness. He can't always be there for me. And I don't deserve any of those things after I pushed people away because of my own self-pity.
I know that I need to change something about my anxiety, I should put more efforts, but I've built walls so thick around me, I'm afraid of getting my heart broken so I protected it, and yet I still got my heart broken again. I know my weaknesses and it is my own fault for being too afraid to change it. I won't burden anyone too much. I can't handle myself, how could I expect that someone else would? I'm already broken from the beginning, I always am broken inside and I shouldn't expect anyone to fix me.
