Alhamdulillah, three months passed, and I was able to finish my internship at AIPA Secretariat. The earlier days were very shocking to me. I was just getting out from months of hibernation at home, I hadn't socialized with people for a long time. But at the same time, despite the difficulties, I was able to learn new things and skills.
While doing an internship at AIPA, I also learned a lot about myself and my weaknesses. I probably have aware of them but somehow always push them to the very end of my mind, 'cause they are all negative. I mean, just my usual thoughts on a daily basis already negative enough for me to handle. I realized that as I grow older, it's getting really really difficult to get to know new people. I didn't mean to do it, but somehow the wall between me and them is really hard to break for myself. I tried so hard to remind myself every time: join the conversation, make some compliments, laugh at their jokes, don't get busy with your own thought.
But the thing is... once there are more than 3 people in the circle, my mouth will automatically shut, especially when they're the hardcore extroverts who really love to talk. If everyone is already talking, then I don't feel the need to talk at all. Maybe because we haven't built a relationship that's close enough for me to be comfortable talking to them. But even just as a bystander, I still somehow enjoyed the time I had at AIPA, doing research, writing, and learn to create graphic design.
I always bring my own lunch because I don't have money to buy food. The only person whom I can comfortably talk with is Bu Nyoman, a 40+ years old mother who easily laughs and sat beside my desk. She is so cheerful and loves to tell the story about her daughter. Apparently, she finds me a really good listener for her because I actually caught all the details she told me. Bu Nyoman also always notice that I never went outside for lunch, so she started bringing me some snacks and foods every day. She is truly a mother. I was a little bit lonely today because she couldn't come to the office, but that's okay. She lives at Ciputat where almost all my friends lived so I will have a chance to visit her in the future.
The other thing that I learned is to properly greet everyone and say "Good Morning" and properly say "See you tomorrow...". Let me be honest with you. I always thought those greetings only happen in a movie. There was a time when I also try to look cheerful all the time because we had some party. Everyone was laughing and comfortably joking with each other and me trying to be a normal person, it would be rude if all I show is a dead face. So, I tried to laugh at some jokes. I'm not trying to fake myself, I just try my best to be polite. I ended up exhausted so much that I needed to go to the kitchen to have some alone time. Then, I decided to wash the dishes just so I can have an excuse to get out of the situation. It is really difficult to fit in, to join the crowd... So the fault is in me because I couldn't make myself comfortable around new people. So if I ended up didn't leave an impression, I couldn't blame anyone. The problem is within myself and I find it really hard to change that.
But there are moments that I genuinely enjoyed too. When some of my colleagues took me to karaoke, just a few numbers of people, and I was truly grateful.
Somebody told me that if you don't get anything valuables, you're beyond stupid if you choose to stay. I find it quite alright with just building a new relationship with new people and getting knowledge. And by making new friends, which I hardly ever done, is a form of blessing, isn't it? So no matter how exhausting it is for me to try to fit in (and failed miserably), no matter how exhausted I was, I'm still truly grateful for the time I had at AIPA. I was finally able to start something and properly finish it and leave the place properly, saying goodbye properly. It is a big step at least for myself because I usually just decided to disappear and never say proper greeting or goodbye. So for all those things I learned, I thanked AIPA for that.
