Being an Adult with all its problems...

I wish I never knew how expensive to afford living. All those payments we need to pay monthly for the rest of our lives, the cost of those foods. And with such minimum incomes... I started to understand why people questioning whether life is worthy for all these efforts just to stay alive. What do we gain from trying to pay for all these other than to avoid death? Death seems like an easier option, if I were not a Muslim, I'd probably choose that route. 

I understand why relationship could change because of economic problems. You really don't eat LOVE to stay alive. Parents who become depressed because they don't have enough to feed the whole family, I felt that now even though I'm not a parent, but responsibility for the whole family simply falls on me now. I can't really ask anyone for help because as I grow older, I realized that all of those I know also carry this burden, even sometimes, harder and heavier than me.

I want to find a purpose for living, but I barely managed to pass each day. When I read my blogs from 10 years ago, I was this young kid full of passions and dreams. I wonder where did she go. Why can't I believe in myself? I wonder if I really don't have desire for all those expensive things or did I choose to stop myself from wanting it cause I know they are hard to gain? Maybe deep down I know the answer, but the fear to confront what I really feel make me hate myself so much. I'm 30 now, and I still learn very slowly to love myself apparently. 

I want to change. Please... self, do something!

Going 30, Being Alone, or With Someone?

 It feels like the world keeps on moving, my days keep going like usual, I'm as busy as everyone else. I will be 30 this year, which shocks me because I started writing on this blog when I was still in high school. In this blog, I used to pour everything I felt, from sadness to happiness to what I love and hate. But as I grow older, I kinda stop myself from doing that. The fear of troubling anyone who read this blog if they read my nonsense sadness and the realization that I am no longer a kid, so I should stop sharing everything I feel here, is one of the reasons I stopped. It's funny... I don't think I've changed. I just learned to shut my feeling up. To stop making a big deal of everything. To stop being dramatic. I keep telling myself that I'm no longer at the age where I can pour my feelings and complaints on social media, including this blog, even though I doubt that anyone ever read this blog anymore. 

My life so far is fine. I gained like 5kg within 6 months, which makes me feel healthier than I used to be. I do things at my own pace. Nothing goes awfully wrong or things like that. So, I keep wondering what this emptiness I'm feeling is? Why haven't I changed? Is it the pressure of marriage, of having someone, that comes from my surroundings, that makes me feel like I may want a life partner? Or is it my real desire to have one?

I've always been fine being by myself. I've been sleeping in my bedroom alone for so long, the thought of having a life partner and sharing a bed with them is kinda scary to me, but at the same time, there are times when I also long to have what those happy-looking married couples have. But I don't even trust myself with such commitment or believe that I deserved that. Over the years, my trust in men has kept decreasing. I don't really like men. Only a few men I met in real life are actually kind and decent, but most of the men I ever encountered left me traumatized and scarred. It makes me scared to think that I should spend the rest of my life with one, but at the same time, I also long for that feeling of being cherished. Being together. Is it my true feeling to want to have someone, or is it because of the pressure from my surrounding who seem happy when they married, and the society who thinks unmarried women are not decent? I have all these worries in mind, yet I also don't feel like I can't survive without one. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just want to let my feeling out for once.  Maybe I will delete this post later when I already feel better. 

Anyway, it's good to be back and write some of my thoughts here. I miss it. Maybe I should make it regularly without caring for someone judging my life or my thoughts anymore. We're adults anyway. We don't care about anyone else. Just being able to survive another repetitive day is already an accomplishment, don't you think?

Oh God... I'm so bored.