Manazashi - Honey L Days (Lyrics and English Translation)

I watched Jdrama called "Tumbling" again a few days ago and now it kinda becomes a drama that I keep repeating whenever I want to watch a good story. I remember watching it a few years ago and I remember it left a great impression on me, but I don't remember why. Lately, after I finished two episodes of Jdrama, Voice and Ourobros, I felt the need to watch something light and fun, but I don't want to watch something new because I'm afraid it will be good and I ended up can't stop it, so I picked Tumbling because I've watched it. Well, it turns out that I forgot so many things and it ended up felt new to me and I became obsessed with how great it was 😂 

I especially love the theme song they used because it fits the story and it fits me so well. This song speaks to me on a spiritual level and that's why I have to put it here because this song truly encouraged me 💚 

Listen to the song below with some awesome clips from Tumbling 😁

Artist: Honey L Days

Song Title: まなざし (Manazashi; Outlook)

Single: Manazashi

Track Number: 1

Released: 2010

Lyrics By: KYOHEI & heroism

Kudara nee to haki sutete mo

They say I'm worthless,

Kawarenai jibun ga iru

and I'm determined to never change, I am here.

Kao o agete fumidasu shikanain da

I can do nothing more than lift my head and move forward

To wakatteru kedo

I understand that though

Gomakase nai no wa kuyashisa no namida

Shedding tears of regret, I cannot lie,

Jamasase nai kara oretachi no ashita

Because our tomorrow won't be disturbed.

Tsuyoku tsuyoku takaku toberu hazu sa

Strongly, strongly, highly, I will fly,

Saidai ni jimen keri agete

Kicking off from the ground completely.

Zutto

Forever

Oikakete oikakete

I'll chase, I'll chase

Hitasura ni kono yume o

this dream diligently.

Oogesa na chizu wa iranai

I don't need a big map.

Kakedashite kakedashite

Rushing, rushing,

Massugu ni michi naki michi o

I'll travel a road without a trail

Gamushara na manazashi o

with a reckless outlook,

Ashita e

towards tomorrow.

Nasake nee to iware nakute mo

They said merciless things,

Kizuiteru jibun ga ita

and I knew it, I was there.

Magetaku nai kokoro dake ga

My heart won't bend the outlook

Ashita o tsunagu manazashi

it has connected to tomorrow.

Ari no mama ikite omoishiru yowasa

Living as I realize my weaknesses,

Akirame nai koto shinji nuku koto

I won't give up, I will believe.

Tsuyoku tsuyoku takaku toberu hazu sa

Strongly, strongly, highly, I will fly,

Nando mo jimen keri agete

Kicking off from the ground repeatedly.

Zutto

Forever,

Oikakete oikakete

I'll chase, I'll chase

Hitasura ni kono yume o

This dream diligently.

Tomedonai kibou o mune ni

The hope in my heart is endless.

Kakedashite kakedashite

Rushing, rushing,

Massugu ni michi naki michi o

I'll travel a road without a trail,

Yuzurenai manazashi o

Never surrendering my outlook,

Ashita e

Towards tomorrow

Mayoi kurushimi sutesaru nara

If I abandon the confusing pain

Ashita wa nai kara

Because there's no tomorrow,

Tatoe donna konnan ga michi o tozashite mo

No matter what difficulties may block my path,

Itsuka wa itsuka wa mugen no sora o koete...

Someday, someday I'll cross that endless sky...

Zutto

Forever,

Oikakete oikakete

I'll chase, I'll chase

Hitasura ni kono yume o

This dream diligently.

Oogesa na chizu wa iranai

I don't need a big map.

kakedashite kakedashite

Rushing, rushing,

Massugu ni michi naki michi o

I'll travel a road without a trail

Gamushara na manazashi o

With a reckless outlook.

Zutto

Forever,

Oikakete oikakete

I'll chase, I'll chase

Hitasura ni kono yume o

This dream diligently.

Oogesa na chizu wa iranai

I don't need a big map.

Kakedashite kakedashite

Rushing, rushing,

Massugu ni michi naki michi o

I'll travel a road without a trail

Gamushara na manazashi o

With a reckless outlook,

Ashita e

Towards tomorrow.

English Translation by https://musicbox-trans.livejournal.com/

Orang yang Berharga

Ada masa dimana gue begitu terpesona dengan kata sahabat. Kemudian, entah karena terpengaruh kisah di film atau novel, gue merasa bahwa sahabat itu adalah orang-orang tertentu yang paling memahami diri kita dan setia mengiringi kita dalam sulit dan senang. Lalu, gue memasuki masa dimana gue nggak lagi mempercayai kata sahabat. Itu adalah masa tersuram, gue begitu tersesat dan membenci segala hal. 

Nggak ada yang perduli. Nggak ada yang mengerti. Gue hanya sendirian di dunia ini.

Begitu besarnya kesedihan menutupi hati gue sampai gue nggak mampu melihat kebaikan orang-orang di sekitar. Seiring berjalannya waktu, gue sadar, 'sahabat' itu hanyalah label yang kita berikan kepada orang-orang tertentu, dan secara egois gue berharap mereka juga harus memberikan label yang sama pada gue. Mungkin karena itu juga, gue beberapa kali merasa kecewa.

Dia kan sahabat gue? Kenapa dia nggak peka dengan kesedihan gue? Kenapa dia tidak memahami gue?

Padahal sebuah hubungan yang tulus tidak membutuhkan label apapun. Tanpa harus berkali-kali kita sebutkan, kita tahu bahwa orang itu berharga bagi kita. Apakah orang itu menganggap kita sama berharganya, tidaklah penting bukan? Hidup ini terus berjalan, akan ada masa dimana orang-orang tertentu tak mampu lagi untuk selalu ada bagi kita. Lalu, apakah itu berarti kita dapat dengan mudah mencopot label sahabat dari mereka? Daripada berpikir dan meminta agar mereka mau memahami, kenapa bukan gue yang belajar memahami?

Mereka adalah orang yang berharga bagi gue. Mereka mungkin nggak mampu untuk selalu ada, tapi ada masa dimana mereka pernah berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk kepentingan gue. Ini bukan kisah fiksi dimana ketika kita terpuruk dan putus asa, akan ada sahabat sejati yang senantiasa menolong. Terkadang, kita harus menghadapi segala cobaan tanpa bergantung pada orang lain selain pada Tuhan. Daripada mempertanyakan apa nilai dan makna orang lain dalam hidup kita, bukankah kita seharusnya berusaha memberikan makna dalam kehidupan orang-orang di sekitar kita?

From Shared Love for Books to Find Love in Differences - Raintree no Kuni (J-Movie)

It's been a while since the last time I wrote a review for movie/drama / book, but this morning (I'm writing this at 6.30 AM btw) after I finished watching Raintree no Kuni, I felt the need to write something about it. I wrote a short (not really) review on my Instagram, but I still feel the need to write more on this blog. Is this movie really that good or am I just easily impressed? Well, not all movies/dramas/books made me this excited to review them, which means, this movie really left a great impression at least for me personally. Although I didn't have any expectations when I first found it, and the synopsis that I read on AsianWiki doesn't even sound interesting. But it turns out to exceed my expectation 😂 Okay now without further ado, let's get to the story. Warning: There will be some spoilers!

GIF by literallyadramaqueen on Tumblr

A Cyber Space Friendship
Raintree no Kuni was released in November 2015, starring Yuta Tamamori and Mariya Nishiuchi. It tells a story of Nobuyuki Sakisaka (Yuta Tamamori), a salaryman, a kind of guy we often meet in society, an ordinary guy who we can all relate. One day, Nobu lost the last volume of Fairy Games novel series which he hasn't read in so long. He forgot how the series ended and urged by his curiosity, he looked for the details of Fairy Games ending on the Internet. He stumbled into a blog named Raintree no Kuni / The Land of Rain Trees. The author of that blog wrote her opinions and impression towards the ending of Fairy Games Novel. 

"The Fairy Games that I loved had become books I couldn't possibly read again. It also becomes a book I'd never forget. It stuck deeply, like a thorn rooted inside of me. But as I grew up, 'so long as love exists, such a thing is a lie...' I understand what this line means. People can't just live by mincing words alone. Sacrifice oneself for a loved one is not possible..."

Those words from Raintree no Kuni blog author caught Nobu's interest and made him remember that he also felt disappointed with the bittersweet ending of Fairy Games novel, although his disappointment was based on a different reason. Due to his interest in that author's opinion, Nobu accidentally sent her an email that contains his own opinion regarding Fairy Games novel.

"I, too, was blown away when I read the ending. But, it wasn't because of a feeling of rejection from something you loved, as you described. More to say, it was the beginning of my life that I needed to keep pushing at the powerlessness..."

The author of Raintree no Kuni blog is a woman named Rika Hitomi (Mariya Nishiuchi). Nobu and Rika started communicating with each other through email, they discussed their point of view about the Fairy Games novel and they both became so invested in it. This is one of the things that I like from this movie, the two main protagonists were connected through their similar interest in the same book, and discuss it together in cyberspace while slowly develop a friendship. I mean, I can relate to them on a spiritual level. The never-ending talk on social media about things we both loved. Oh, I remember all the good old days 😂

GIF by nishiuchi on Tumblr

The First Date

Back to the story with some more spoilers: after intensely communicating through social media, Nobu becomes more curious about Rika and wants to meet her in person. But Rika refused his invitation to meet up on a blind date, saying that she isn't confident with her look. But feeling Nobu's sincerity in their conversation, she finally agreed to meet him. They both met up in a book store. This is one of the most painful and awkward scenes to watch 'though since their first date didn't go as smooth as a love story in Fanfiction 😂

GIF by literallyadramaqueen on Tumblr

Rika is actually a beautiful woman, 'though her long hair covered most of her ears and face and her outfits look plain and dull. Rika is also a very shy and reserved person, but despite those shy behaviors, Rika is unexpectedly a very demanding person, Rika kinda forced Nobu to fulfill her preferences, be it a movie which has to be a foreign movie with subtitle, and restaurant which needs to have a more quiet environment, and what made Nobu even more annoyed is when Rika didn't move from the elevator they both just got in although the alarm has rung, the sign that the elevator is overweight. Nobu who always speaks what's on his mind bluntly then told Rika that he was disappointed with Rika's attitude. At the same time, he found out that Rika wore a hearing aid and the fact that she is actually deaf. All this time, Rika has been reading Nobu's lips to understand what he said. Rika regretted her actions and apologized to Nobu, and decided to end their relationship at the end of that very first date.

GIF by Kisumaiyan on Tumblr

After Nobu found out the truth about Rika, he regretted his action and anger towards her. Although Rika has ended their relationship after the first date, Nobu determined to learn more about Deaf people and do a revenge date with Rika as his apology and to fix the first date which ended up in disaster. Rika didn't accept his invitation though, she was afraid she would disappoint him again and she doesn't have enough confidence in herself, but Nobu's effort and dedication in learning more about Deafness to make Rika let him enter her world once again moved Rika's heart. No one has ever cared that much about her except her parents. Is what Nobu felt was a mere sympathy? Or is it a sincere kindness? Slowly, Nobu who never hesitate to speak anything straightforwardly learn the value of words that Rika trying to say in all her limitations.

A Heartwarming (Love) Story

GIF by nishiuchi on Tumblr

I found many interesting points that made this movie left such a great impression on me. A relationship which started from the cyber world and exchanging emails, their similar interest towards the same novel, how important it is for an introvert or anti-social people to have a place to let out his thoughts (blog, book, etc), and how important an act of kindness and willingness from someone to try to empathize with other people's sorrows. Although we won't be able to fully understand someone's pain because we never stand in their shoes or face the same suffering as theirs, if we genuinely try to learn to be understanding, it could give a great influence and help people who have big insecurity like Rika to be stronger. I like Nobu's personality, he was so ordinary yet very easy to relate, we can easily have the same opinions and anger as him and sometimes being bitter about life, but he still chooses kindness and follow his heart. This movie offers such amazing values that are more than just romance, it's not just a love story between the Introvert and the Extrovert. It taught us about the difficulties that People with Disabilities (PwD) have to face every day, and in this case, it's not someone who is born disable but lost one of her abilities due to an accident, which completely changed her life and affected her confidence. This movie tells us that love is not about sacrifice. Love is about kindness. And kindness comes in many forms. 

Overall a great story and I rated it 9 / 10 because I can relate to it on a spiritual level. Mariya Nishiuchi is amazing as always, but it's been a while since I watched Yuta Tamamori's acting. His natural portrayal of Nobu surprised me and exceeded my expectation. I will definitely look for more of his works. 😊 

I Won't Lose

The thoughts of committing suicide always lie somewhere inside of my head. I even tried to do it before, but my religion saved me. I buried those thoughts as deep as possible but for some reason, they always find a way to come to the surface again, whenever something terrible happened to me. I have so many awful thoughts in mind. These awful thoughts always managed to control my feelings somehow.

I never ask to be born. If I knew life would be this hard, people would be this evil, and I would be this weak, I would have begged for God to never let me born in this world. Still... there are some beautiful things too in this life, but usually, they don't last long. I always worried whenever I have a fine wonderful day 'cause darkness somehow always finds its way to ruin it in the end. Tomorrow won't be as good as today, so don't let yourself be overwhelmed with happiness. It will hurt so much once it's ruined. That's what I kept telling myself.

I wish I could talk about my fears with someone. I wish I could have a place where I could pour my sorrows. But I don't have that kind of person or place in my life. And why should I share those terrible things and burden others with my own problems? Maybe it's fair, this way, I can only talk to God. I don't even need to tell Him in detail. He knows everything.

I wonder... For how many days would I be able to survive? How long would I be able to shut down those terrible thoughts? Will I be freed from these expectations of everyone? Will I be able to defeat this demon within me completely someday? Will I survive those suicide thoughts next time? I don't know. But I know one thing... My fear of Hell and God is bigger than my fear for this world. This world is already like Hell so I would like to have a chance to enter Paradise at least. If I ever lose to this suicide thought, then I will lose the chance to enter Paradise forever. So... I have no choice but to keep fighting and moving forward. Mikasa Ackerman said that this world is cruel but it's undeniably beautiful too. I won't lose to my demon.

"Jika hidup harus berputar... biarlah berputar. Akan ada harapan sekali lagi seperti dulu..."
And Sheila on 7 saved me once again too. What a random ending lol

Hidup tanpa Handphone

It's been more than two weeks since my cellphone broke and I'm too broke to fix it. Oh well...

Awalnya, hidup tanpa Handphone terasa menyebalkan. Nggak bisa buka Instagram dan menghabiskan waktu berharga hanya untuk scrolling feed. Nggak bisa buka Twitter dan melihat update terbaru dari artis-artis Jepang favorit. Nggak bisa buka YouTube di tengah malam unuk nonton reaction video Attack on Titan terbaru (lagi obsessed banget nonton orang-orang shock jiwa pas nonton episode pertamanya wkwk), nggak punya pengalih perhatian saat harus menunggu di tempat umum, nggak bisa menghubungi teman-teman atau keluarga saat ada keperluan yang darurat... Selama tiga hari hidup terasa sangat menyebalkan dan hampa.

Iya... hanya tiga hari. 

Hanya tiga hari waktu yang gue butuhkan untuk terbiasa. Ketika akhirnya Handphone gue udah bener lagi dan bisa buka berbagai sosmed itu, gue malah bingung. Apa yang menarik disini? Apa yang ingin gue lihat? Gue nggak lagi menemukan kesenangan yang berlebih dalam menggunakan Handphone. Satu-satunya yang gue sesalkan adalah nggak bisa membuka WhatsApp karena disitulah gue paling sering berkomunikasi sama teman-teman gue, atau paling enggak menonton mereka dalam diam saling berkomunikasi satu sama lain di grup WhatsApp 😁

Meski nggak lagi bisa melihat berita terbaru dari teman-teman sepanjang waktu, gue merasa lebih mampu menjalani hidup dengan nyata, merasa lebih seperti manusia. Gue nonton konser Sheila on 7 dengan penuh semangat, nggak kecewa karena nggak harus mengabadikan moment yang bagus, nggak ada keinginan untuk memotret bapak-bapak Yogyakarta itu demi dapat membaginya di social media, yang ada hanya ingin bernyanyi dan berteriak-teriak sepanjang lagu, menikmati waktu.

Tentu saja gue masih sangat memerlukan Handphone untuk bekerja dan berkomunikasi, tapi gue merasa hidup sedikit lebih nyata ketika gue nggak harus terpaku pada apa yang ada di layar handphone. Hal yang sekarang sepertinya sudah mendarah daging di kehidupan kita. Gue bersyukur tidak lagi menjadi bagian dari barisan orang di kereta yang semuanya menatap handphone seperti zombie. Gue mengganti kebiasaan main handphone itu dengan menekuni hobi membaca yang sempat gue lupakan dan menghargai waktu bersama orang-orang terdekat ketika aku akhirnya bertemu mereka.

Merekam Kesedihan

Gue sering diberitahu bahwa kita tidak perlu memberitahukan masalah atau kesedihan kita kepada orang lain karena self-pity bukanlah hal yang baik untuk dibagi. Selain hal tersebut tidak membawa kebaikan bagi orang lain, hal tersebut juga merusak citra diri kita sebagai orang yang senantiasa tidak bersyukur hanya karena satu atau dua cobaan...

Ada masa dimana gue setuju dengan pendapat tersebut dan akhirnya berhenti membagi terlalu banyak kesedihan kepada siapapun. Gue juga berhenti menulis keresahan di social media karena tidak ingin membagi sesuatu yang hanya meresahkan orang lain atau membuat kesal orang lain.

Gue menyadari suatu perubahan seiring dengan diri gue yang semakin menutup diri dari orang lain. Ketika gue menengok kembali ke sebuah kertas berisi kesan dan pesan dari teman-teman SMP-SMA, ada keceriaan, sosok yang selalu bawel, penuh semangat, dan berani menggapai tantangan di diri gue yang lama. Kemudian ketika gue membaca kesan dari teman-teman yang sekarang, gue hampir tak melihat sisi-sisi tersebut di dalamnya. Gue berubah. 

Apakah ini adalah perubahan yang baik? Gue nggak tahu. Tapi, gue tahu bahwa rasa sakit di dalam diri ini membesar seiring dengan gue yang nggak pernah berbagi pada siapapun lagi. Oleh karena itu, menuliskannya di dalam blog terkadang memberikan suatu kelegaan, kebebasan, karena gue dapat mengeluarkan beban hati. Namun, gue akhirnya juga berhenti menulis.

Padahal dengan menuliskan keresahan dan kesedihan lah, gue jadi mampu melihat masalah dari sudut pandang yang baru. Melalui menulis, gue dapat melihat hal positif dari kesedihan seperti apapun. Padahal dengan membaca rekaman kesedihan yang pernah gue alami, gue dapat lebih bersyukur karena mampu melewatinya. Gue mungkin akan terus bertemu dengan kesedihan selama gue hidup, tapi gue juga akan selalu mengingat masa dimana gue mampu mengalahkannya. 

Gue tidak bisa kembali ke diri yang lama, gue nggak lagi mampu mengizinkan siapapun dengan mudah memasuki dunia gue. Tapi, jika bisa perlahan mengurangi beban dalam hati dengan menuliskannya, maka itulah yang akan gue lakukan. Gue nggak perduli lagi dengan pendapat orang. Self-pity isn't cool nor bring good to others. I agree. Tapi, menulis dan merekam kesedihan bukanlah self-pity. Ia adalah self-healing, self-encouragement, hal yang membuat gue merasa lebih baik. Ini adalah hidup gue dan setiap orang memiliki caranya untuk mengatasi kesedihan. Bagi gue, merekam kesedihan, menulis keresahan, adalah hal yang dapat memberikan penyembuhan dan membuat gue mempelajari kesedihan dengan lebih baik.

Jobless + Social Anxiety

Putus asa karena uang adalah hal yang sepertinya sangat sering terjadi di dalam kehidupan. Ini adalah pelajaran bahwa menabung selagi muda itu penting, dan mengasah skill agar dapat memiliki nilai di dunia bekerja adalah kewajiban untuk bisa bertahan hidup. Hal-hal yang sepertinya cukup sulit bagi gue, gue selalu merasa sangat average, in everything I do, even when I try to do my best at it. Oleh karena itulah, masalah pendapatan dan pekerjaan menjadi salah satu masalah yang sangat krusial bagi gue. Terutama ketika gue memiliki social anxiety yang tinggi, hal tersebut seringkali menjadi penyebab gue nggak bisa sepenuhnya menjalani pekerjaan dengan baik. Selalu ada ketakutan dan keraguan, dan tekanan untuk bisa bersikap sama asiknya dengan yang lain. Bukan pertama kalinya gue diberitahu untuk bisa lebih banyak bicara dan bergaul. 

Uang adalah sumber kebahagiaan sekaligus sumber kesengsaraan di dunia ini. Bagi mereka yang berkecukupan, uang adalah hal yang dapat memenuhi tidak hanya kebutuhan, tapi juga keinginan. Bagi mereka yang kekurangan, uang adalah keajaiban karena jarang ia dapat memenuhi keinginan, dan begitu bersyukur ketika ia dapat memenuhi kebutuhan.

Hidup dalam keadaan dimana gue belum memiliki pekerjaan tetap, sedangkan pengeluaran semakin membengkak, kadang membuat gue merasa putus asa. Aneh memang. Gue justru memiliki pekerjaan dengan gaji tetap ketika keluarga gue dulu memiliki pondasi keuangan yang kuat. Sekarang, ketika keluarga sedang sangat membutuhkan support materialistik, gue justru belum bisa membantu banyak.

Mencari pekerjaan di Jakarta sungguh bukanlah hal yang mudah bagi seseorang dengan social anxiety seperti gue. Kadang gue bahkan tidak berani menagih gaji yang menjadi hak gue dari seorang boss freelance hanya karena rasa tidak enak. Terdengar bodoh bagi kebanyakan, namun inilah yang namanya social anxiety, rasa takut terhadap hal-hal yang tidak perlu begitu menumpuk di dalam diri, dan tak banyak yang memahami hal itu. Yang mereka tahu adalah, "Pemalu dan pendiam itu nggak asik buat kerjasama atau nongkrong bareng." And even I agree with them. Gue merasa seandainya gue tidak punya penyakit ini dan sifat ini, mungkin segalanya akan jauh lebih mudah. 

Mungkin gue harus sekolah kepribadian. Mungkin gue harus tinggal di hutan. Mungkin gue harus jual ginjal. Pikiran-pikiran seperti itu terus saja menghantui. Kadang gue berpikir, manusia tidak akan pernah ingin dilahirkan ke dunia kalau tahu susahnya seperti ini. Tapi, hey, gue sudah terlahir. Paling tidak gue harus bisa bertahan hidup. Meski sedikit. Meski perlahan. Meski semua terlihat sia-sia, selama napas itu masih ada, berarti Yang Kuasa masih percaya, kalau kita bisa. Jika Ia percaya sudah cukup untuk kita memiliki kepercayaan diri, bukan?

Yah, gue merasa dalam tulisan penuh keputusasaan ini, paling tidak harus tetap memasukkan pesan positif. Meski sesungguhnya, hati ini masih dipenuhi kesedihan karena merasa tidak mampu. Tapi semoga orang yang membaca dapat mempelajari sesuatu dan tidak menjadi seperti gue. Punya social anxiety itu nggak enak, tidak ada yang istimewa dari memiliki penyakit mental, you fight with yourself everyday and sometimes you can no longer tell what's bad or good. Minimnya pemahaman masyarakat terhadapnya juga menyebabkan tindak bullying yang tidak disadari. Jadi, jangan sampai kamu, temanmu, anakmu, saudaramu, terperangkap di dalamnya. 

Rantai dan Teman Lama

Kadang gue merasa… sepertinya masa lalu memasang sebuah rantai yang besar di kaki sehingga sangat sulit untuk melangkah dan pergi meninggalkannya. Kenangan masa lalu masih terus membuat gue terus dibayangi oleh kata-kata “Seandainya…”

Memasuki usia 25 tahun, seakan waktu ingin memburu gue agar menyegerakan segala hal. Menikah. Bekerja. Menikah. Bekerja. Menikah. Menikah. Menikah…. Sambil ia menjabarkan segala alasan logisnya tentang kenapa gue harus menyegerakan semua hal ini. Bagi seorang Introvert dengan social anxiety seperti gue, sebuah pondasi dalam hubungan menjadi sangat penting. Seberapa dalam gue mengenal pasangan adalah hal yang sangat gue butuhkan dalam melangkah lebih jauh. Kencan buta bukanlah suatu opsi. Apalagi dijodohkan. Tapi sekitar gue terus saja menyodorkan semua itu dengan harapan gue akan segera dipinang.

Gue berterima kasih atas kepedulian mereka ingin mencarikan gue pasangan hidup, namun tidak mereka ketahui bahwa tak banyak orang yang cukup bersedia untuk bersabar dalam mengenal seseorang dengan social anxiety seperti gue. Rasa panik, malu, takut memberikan kesan buruk, dan tidak percaya diri selalu memenuhi diri sehingga pada pertemuan pertama, kedua, ketiga... gue tidak mampu membuka diri pada orang-orang baru, sedangkan gue hidup dalam dunia dimana kalau kita tidak bisa bersikap ‘asik’ dan berbicara seperti MC pada lawan bicara, maka orang tidak akan tertarik. Yang mana hal tersebut bukanlah salah mereka. Siapa sih yang mau punya teman yang terlalu pendiam dan kurang asik diajak ngobrol, yang selalu sibuk dengan isi kepalanya sendiri. Apalagi pasangan…

Oleh karena itu, gue sangat berterima kasih pada sahabat-sahabat dan teman-teman yang bersedia memahami dan menerima gue hingga sekarang. Adalah sebuah perjalanan yang panjang bagi gue untuk akhirnya dapat memanggil mereka 'teman'. Bagi gue, teman sangatlah berharga karena ada sebuah pondasi yang kuat yang mengkokohkan hubungan itu. Dan gue sangat berharap, jika gue memang akan menikah, gue akan menikah dengan seseorang yang dapat menjadi teman, bukan sekedar pasangan. Teman yang dapat membuat kami dapat menjadi diri kami, dimana kami dapat dengan nyaman berbagi kekurangan dan kelebihan kami, dan mau bekerja sama untuk menjadi lebih baik.

Setiap kali gue ingin mencoba membuka hati, rantai masa lalu seakan menahan dan menarik gue kembali ke masa yang pernah menyenangkan dulu. Lalu, hati ini pun akan mengunci dirinya dan mengurung gue di dalamnya bersama seorang teman lama. Teman yang sekarang mungkin sudah bergerak maju dengan kehidupannya, tanpa tahu bahwa gue masih terjerat di belakang, kesulitan melupakan.

Two Voices

There are two voices inside of my head. They argued every day, telling me what's right and wrong. They criticized all of the things I've done. Lately, those voices sound even louder than they used to be. Whenever I'm not talking with someone, these voices will make conversations by themselves, most of the time, they never agreed with each other. This is not an imaginary friend, it is clearly just two voices. I'll give you a little example of how these voices talk to each other inside of my mind. They usually commented on everything that just happened to me.

Case: My Lecturer gave me a hard time in college and I was so depressed and have no idea how to deal with it.

Voice 1: Ugh, don't be a wimp. You know you deserved that scolding!

Voice 2: Well, maybe that lecturer didn't have to be so harsh on her. What's wrong with giving a helping hand for their students?

Voice 1: What's wrong? He is not your parents nor your friends. He wouldn't care even if you kill yourself.

Voice 2: But he's a teacher... 

Voice 1: And you're an adult.

Voice 2: What?

Voice 1 : It means you have to be strong to endure any hardships, so maybe that's why he gave you that.

Voice 2: But she already has enough hardships without that lecturer had to be so rude and...

Voice 1: He wouldn't know and he wouldn't care! You're not his kid. He doesn't give a damn about your existence.

Voice 2: You're right, but it is his duty to help students...

Voice 1: Yeah right, no one cares about duty now, just bear with it or kill yourself...

Voice 2: No, dear, Denisa, don't worry. There will be a way for this...

Voice 1: There won't be. You should help yourself. This world isn't nice

Voice 2: But it doesn't mean you have to lose your kindness...

Voice 1: People need money, not kindness

Voice 2 : ...

And I would hit my head after that because these conversations in my head just seemed to have no end. I literally laughed in irony or cringed sometimes when I heard some of those voices, tho, like... I feel like I'm getting insane. I don't know if it's healthy or not, or is it happen with others? Like you really listen to other voices, but at the same time, you know that you're not really a part of it, but those voices are within your head, so it means they're your own thoughts, but at the same time you know it isn't you, or it is too rude and bitchy (that voice 1 always talks like a rude senior who loves to bully her juniors), or too kind, to be you. 

You know what I mean?