Stressful Rants

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm still struggling with the same things even after all these years: SKRIPSI (Undergraduate Thesis). Except that I'm making a little progress these days and actually working on it. I admired those who are able to focus on many things at the same time, even on the things they disliked, because I cannot do that. That's why most of the time, I have a hard time dealing with things. For example, I seriously love choir and teaching, so I would put my full efforts when it comes to them. I don't even mind if I don't get paid since I always get the ultimate happiness whenever I teach and do choir stuff. But on the contrary, when it comes to the things I dislike, like my college, it's hard to bring myself to do it properly. You know, I took the wrong major and it makes me quite depressed even until now, but it's too late to regret. All I need to do is finish my final thesis and graduate, and then I would be able to live freely, or so I thought.

I always feel like starting over from the very beginning. I kept thinking, what if I were born without musical talents? What if I were born with love for science and math instead? Would my life become easier? After all, most people will always acknowledge those who are gifted in science. I truly want to believe that everyone is different with their special gifts and talents. But if I get to choose, I would probably choose to be someone who is gifted with math or science. That way, I could aim to become a Doctor or a Math teacher because society needs more of that. 

It's such a naive and pathetic thought, I know. People will tell me that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I'm trying hard for it. Maybe if I didn't have the ability to feel things too much, everything will become easier. 

I wish I could stop feeling things too much. It's so disturbing to the point that I ended up ignoring everything. It's better if I don't get too close with people, or they will notice something is weird about me. It's better to keep everything to myself, rather than sharing it with people who will easily judge me. It's better to live this life without expecting much from others so I won't be disappointed.

But even with all these thoughts, in the end, I realized that I cannot live alone. And I cannot ignore those who are dear to me no matter what. Can I just skip over this life, please?

Kebahagiaan

Hidup yang seperti ini mungkin tidak apa-apa juga

Tak perlu pengakuan siapa-siapa

Bisa makan, bisa minum, bisa tertawa lepas

Memilih untuk menjadi apa adanya

Kalau sedang malas, ya tidur saja 

Kalau sedang rajin, ya bereskan semua yang berantakan

Meski tak punya teman banyak

Asal kita perduli dengan sungguh-sungguh

Maka itu akan jadi harta yang berharga

Meski tak meraih cita-cita, paling tidak tak berhenti bermimpi

Jangan ada penyesalan

Hidup hanya sekali, maka teruslah maju

Kesalahan yang telah berlalu, perbaikilah

Jangan dijadikan rantai yang mengikat kita pada masa lalu

Cinta yang tak terbalaskan... Lepaskanlah

Dunia yang luas ini akan menawarkanmu yang baru

Dan seberat apapun kesakitan dan kesedihan

Simpanlah sendiri, jangan membebani orang lain

Di dalam hidup ini, kebahagiaan diraih bukan dari harta

Jika kita bisa meminta maaf dengan tulus setelah melakukan kesalahan

Itulah kebahagiaan

Jika kita bisa memaafkan setelah tersakiti

Itulah kebahagiaan

Jika kita bisa mementingkan kebahagiaan orang lain di atas kebahagiaan kita

Itulah kebahagiaan

Bukan tentang aku, tapi kamu

Bukan tentang kita, tapi mereka

Bukan tentang sendiri, tapi bersama

Jika kamu bahagia maka sebisa mungkin

Aku pun akan bahagia

3/14 no Tokei by Ryosuke Yamada & Keito Okamoto (Lyrics and Translation)

I'm currently so addicted to Hey!Say!JUMP's 3/14 no Tokei, written by Ryosuke Yamada with Keito Okamoto as guitar. This song is simply beautiful and once you listen to it, you just want to repeat it over and over again. Ryosuke sings it beautifully and I just simply love the guitar arrangement. Definitely one of the best Ballad songs they ever have~ I could listen to it all day and never get bored. Help me~ 

Kajikamute sode kara 

Hands that grew numb under those sleeves

Nozokase nagara

As I took a glance at them

Ano hi kureta yuki mo tokeru

I remembered what you gave on that day, covered with melting snow

Kurai amai chokoreeto

The sweet chocolate

Mado no soto nozoku to

When I peeked through the window

Tsubomi ga mou mebuite

The buds are starting to bloom

Mou soro soro purezento

It’s about time for a present

Mitsuke ni ikanakyane

I'll search for one

Saisho ni watashita pasuteru karaa no

A pastel coloured watch I gave on 3/14

Tokei kyasha na ude ni tsuiteru

It hangs on your slender wrist

Mou kidzuiteru? Tokei no ura ni kakushita

Have you found it? Hidden at the back of that watch

Kimi he no messeeji

The message for you

Let's spend the time together forever

Bokura no ai ga kono moji no youni Jikan wo kizandeku

Like these letters, let's engraved our love in time

Yukkuri to futari no byoushin ga

Slowly, as our hands

Yorisoi ai nagara Ai wo kizande yuku

Nestle close to each other, we carve our love

Ano hi chikatta hanasanaitte

That day we vowed to never let go of each other

Rainen no kono hi mo isshoni iyou yo

Next year, on this very same day, let's be together

Otagai betsu no michi arukou to shita kedo

Though we decided to walk on different paths

Itsudatte mata kimi dake wo kangaechaun dayo

I always end up thinking of you

Kisetsu ga megutte otona ni naru hodo

Seasons change long enough for us to grow old

Horo nigai ai ni natteku no kana

Will this become a bittersweet love?

Tokei no hari ga susundeku tabi

As the hands of the clock start to move

Kimi he no omoi mo tsuyoku naru

My feelings for you just grow stronger

Kawaranai kara bokura itsumademo

I will not change, so

Onaji kono keshiki wo kono mama miteiyou

Let’s look at the same scenery forever

Nichijou no atari mae no one scene

The usual scenes I see everyday

Kimi to iru dakede hora Konna ni mo kagayaku

When I'm with you, hey they shine brighter

Ano hi umareta Futari dake no

Let our love that born on that day

Ai wo itsumademo oh

continue forever

Bukiyou ni kawashita saisho no kisu ga

Through the clumsy first kiss we exchanged

Hanarenaitte yakusoku datta

We promised to never let go of each other

Namida no aji de nandaka atatakakute

The taste of the tears is somehow warm

Bokura mata nandomo Yorisoikasaneatta

Over and over again As we cuddled closer

Let's spend the time together forever

Bokura no ai ga kono moji no youni Jikan wo kizandeku

Like these letters, let's engraved our love in time

Yukkuri to futari no byoushin ga

Slowly, as our hands

Yorisoi ai nagara Ai wo kizande yuku

Nestle close to each other, we carve our love

Ano hi chikatta hanasanaitte

That day we vowed to never let go of each other

Rainen no kono hi mo isshoni iyou yo

Next year, on this very same day, let's be together

Zutto...

Always...

Credit: http://starryangell.blogspot.com

The Unending Secrets that Hides at the Deep of Human Heart through Pink & Gray (J-Movie)

As soon as I came back to Hey!Say!JUMP fandom, I found out that Yuto Nakajima has stepped further into the acting industry. He is one of my favorite actors in JUMP and what makes me even happier is the fact that his debut on the big screen as the lead role in this movie: PINK & GRAY, a movie adaptation from Shigeaki Kato's novel. This novel is Shige's debut in literary work, the first Johnny talent to debut as a writer to be exact. I congratulated him on my post. I love Hey!Say!JUMP and NEWS, so there's no way I'd skip this movie since it's the combined work of my two favorite fandoms. Hmm, this preface is already longer than I plan.

It is hard not to write some spoilers because half of the movie actually contain secrets and plot twist. I don't want people who are going to watch it for the first time to lose that surprised feeling from the plot twist either. Unless you've already read the novel.

This movie is split into two colors, which represent the past and present. The one with colors (Pink) is the past, and the one in black and white (Gray) is the present. It was confusing at first but it kept you curious to watch it 'til you understand what is actually going on. 

PINK - Past

The movie begins with Rengo Shiraki, a famous actor, who was preparing to commit suicide, he leaves 6 wills letters for his childhood best friend, Daiki Kawata / Riva-chan before he died. It was already too late when Daiki came and tried to release him from the tightropes. Daiki had to choose one of the wills from Rengo. Daiki's fate seemed to hinge on this choice. Rengo had an older sister who committed suicide during her Ballet performance in front of Rengo's eyes and whether this influenced Rengo's decision to do the same thing later or not will be answered later.

Daiki and Rengo's friendship began when Daiki moved to the same apartment and became Rengo's neighbor. And together with a neighborhood girl named Sally (Kaho), the trio became the best of friends who survived turbulent years of adolescence. Daiki felt both admiration and envy towards Rengo who excels at arts and looks, and popular among ladies, especially when Daiki found himself attracted to Sally, but the girl seemed to show more affection to Rengo. One day, the two boys scouted by a model agency and started working as extras. Rengo made the leap to acting and stardom, while the less-confident Daiki stews in the apartment they share. 

Rengo aware of Daiki's insecurities, tried to help him get more jobs on his dramas or movies, but Daiki was never able to give a good performance because he felt pressured with Rengo's presence at the scene. Daiki who was desperate overlooks Rengo's help and said he didn't want to stay with the current Rengo. Rengo didn't argue and just left the apartment, while Daiki poured his anxieties and feelings into Sally. They both had never seen Rengo again for the next three years.

Three years later

The two best friends reunited at Highschool class reunion. Daiki hesitated to greet his ex-best friend who has become a big star and gained so much attention at the reunion, but Rengo approached him first, and at that very same night, they were back to become best friends, as if all of the dramas and fights a few years ago never happened. That night, while the two of them drunk and reminiscing the good old days, Rengo promised Daiki that he would exchange place with him the next day. Daiki didn't understand Rengo's words since he's drunk and forgot about it right away. The next day, Rengo asked Daiki to visit his apartment at night. Daiki was too happy to finally reconciled with Rengo. He came to Rengo's apartment that night to have some fun talk and drink just as Rengo asked him before, only to find out that Rengo has committed suicide and left him with 6 wills letters.

GRAY - Present

After Rengo's death, Daiki wrote a biography novel about him, just like what Rengo wish in one of his wills that Daiki choose. This biography novel about Rengo Shiroki has gained Daiki the popularity that he's always wanted. The novel is adapted into the movie and Daiki was asked to portray one of the three leading roles. While watching his and Rengo's story through the big screen, Daiki realized that there was something that Rengo hides from him. Why did Rengo commit suicide? Why did he leave such troublesome suicide notes? Daiki who's just got into the showbiz world also learned that everything around him is more complicated and everyone wears a mask. 

Being a star doesn't always mean happiness. Daiki realized that he doesn't understand Rengo at all, despite the fact that they were best friends since childhood, Rengo never told him what's on his mind. Struggling to come to terms with Rengo’s suicide as well as with fame he can’t really call his own, Daiki sets out to discover the truth behind his friend’s death. Daiki learned that human is such a complex creature. No one really knows about anyone else except themselves.

This movie is surprisingly heavy and confusing when I first watched it, but it kept me curious. I cried a lot too, maybe the image of Yuto secretly hides something that makes him suffer actually hurt me a little. I feel like I can relate to both Rengo and Daiki's pain to some extent, but at the same time, there are moments when I don't understand him at all. Japan is really on a different level when it comes to thriller, suspense, psychological genre. I was speechless when the movie ended. I'm also amazed by Shige as the writer of this story.

By the way, as a Hey!Say!JUMP fan who is used to see Yuto's innocent, goofy, childlike image, this movie has totally changed my perspective towards him. I always know that Yuto is a great actor but I just never expect that the day will come when he's finally taking these kinds of roles and play some adult scenes, LOL. But he's undoubtedly and arguably great in portraying these roles and it made me respect him more now. I'm glad that this movie is his first debut on the big screen.

PS: All of the gifs were taken from Tumblr and google. Feel free to message me if you want to be credited or want me to take it down. Jaa :)

Itazura na Kiss - Love in Tokyo 2 (Jdrama)

It's been a while....

So, I decided that I will be writing about Japanese stuffs again from now, be it Jdrama reviews or just my fangirling over Hey! Say! JUMP, because guess what? I'm back to the fandom after 3 years of hiatus and I've never felt so alive before, LOL. Just kidding. I just find them as one of my important source of happiness and I'm glad that I could write about them again instead of my anxieties. So, without further ado, I will start from Itazura na Kiss - Love in Tokyo 2 review. Here we go~

The story

Following the success of ItaKiss - Love in Tokyo, they continue the series to season 2 which tells about the marriage life of Naoki Irie (Yuki Furukawa) and Kotoko Irie (Miki Honoka), which really is a good thing for us who have been longing to see more romantic side of Naoki as a husband, lol 😂 

This season, Naoki also transferred to Medical Science Departments of Tonan University to pursue his dream of becoming a doctor. Although Naoki and Kotoko have finally married, Naoki's quiet and cold behavior hasn't changed much, especially during the first few months of their married life which gives Kotoko anxieties and questioned herself a lot about whether Naoki really loves her or not. Naoki didn't even register their marriage to the ward office because he wanted to make sure that he makes his father's company succeed before he left it to pursue his medical major. He didn't tell Kotoko what's on his mind and it made Kotoko sad and they fought quite terribly. Later, Naoki realized that he needs to put Kotoko's feelings first, and Kotoko learns to believe in Naoki more even when he doesn't tell her anything, she needs to believe that Naoki will not deceive her.

The main story is pretty much the same as other adaptations. In this season, Kotoko also decided to transfer to Medical Sciences Department to become a nurse in order to be helpful for Naoki, and be closer to Naoki. Kotoko meets a new group of friends who become her team to finish every medical task. These new friends have quite absurd personalities, but they will become her good friends for the entire series. I was kinda annoyed at first to see her do this only for Naoki, it feels like her resolve and life only revolves around Naoki, but Kotoko learns that being a nurse and working in the medical field is not as simple as that and there are so many responsibilities she has to bear. Kotoko will also learn the importance of human life, the role of doctor and nurse, and more importantly, she learns to love her job wholeheartedly and not only because of Naoki.

One of Kotoko's friends in the group is Keita Kamogari (Arata Horii), a very handsome and casual guy who's passionate about his dream of becoming a nurse. Keita is a considerate person and he loves to take care of people. He was annoyed at Kotoko's clumsiness at first but later he grows respect for her perseverance and he becomes concerned about her when Naoki acted mean and seemed to never care about Kotoko. Keita thought that he would be a better partner for Kotoko because he will never make Kotoko sad the way Naoki did to her. 

A Genius and Jealousy

Keita told Naoki that as a husband, Naoki did a poor job in taking care of Kotoko. Although Kotoko has told Keita that Naoki never spoiled her and always push her to go beyond her limit (in a good way), Keita still strongly disliked Naoki. Naoki who has noticed Keita's different concern and behavior towards Kotoko felt something he never felt before: jealousy. Naoki who doesn't understand this unpleasant feeling took it upon Kotoko and becomes so cold towards her. Naoki himself doesn't understand why he acted that way towards Kotoko, but later when he consulted it with Kinnosuke Ikezawa (Yuki Yamada), he learns that the unpleasant feelings he felt in his heart are just jealousy. Naoki was surprised by Kinnosuke's answer and realized that he was really being jealous. At the same time, he admired Kinnosuke for being really strong in enduring such troublesome emotions for six years (lol now you know how troublesome it is to be in love, right? 😉)

Doctor and Nurse

As husband and wife who work in the medical field, the couple faced so many problems, Kotoko got bullied by her jealous seniors because she is the wife of the famous Naoki Irie, she had to face random patients who have a crush on Naoki and treated Kotoko as an enemy and was forced to live separately from Naoki who had to work at Kobe's hospital for few years. Kotoko learns not to be selfish. Even with all her clumsiness, she never gives up to be a proper nurse and be accepted by her fellow nurses and patients. Although she makes a lot of mistakes, she realized that she grows more love towards her job and cared a lot about the well-being of her patients, not only their body health but their heart as well. The fact that Naoki is going to be a doctor makes Kotoko loves her profession even more. Kotoko doesn't even remember that the one who made Naoki wanted to be a doctor was Kotoko herself, which I find really sweet ❤

Naoki's Character Development

The cold-hearted, annoying, expressionless Naoki we saw in Season 1 is slowly disappeared in season 2, although he never once loses his cool, sassy nature, as he learns to be a proper doctor, Naoki not only able to master the medical knowledge, he also learns to connect with people around him and appreciate them. Naoki becomes friends with Kinnosuke is one of many proofs that he no longer valued people based on their academic grades only, Naoki also doesn't seem bothered by Kotoko's big family who are filled with loud, clumsy, and "less smart" people, even when Kotoko was ashamed by their behavior. Naoki shows great respect and treats them with kindness and respect. The old Naoki would never do such things 😂

Naoki learns to be more understanding of Kotoko's feelings and make sure that she would never question his love for her. No matter how many times Kotoko felt insecure about her own worth, Naoki's never got tired to show her that she is the only one for him. The scene when Naoki came to visit Kotoko's mother's tomb put me in tears. He loves Kotoko so much and he really cared about her. This Naoki gives such a warm feeling to people around him.

Kinnosuke's Happy Ending

We saw how much Kin-chan suffered in season one because of his unrequited love for Kotoko. We saw how much effort he put to make Kotoko happy even when it's breaking his own heart. In this season, we finally get to see Kinnosuke gets his own happiness. Christine Robbins (Noemie Nakai) is a beautiful girl from England who came as an exchange student at Tonan University and became Kotoko's friend, she and Kotoko later visited Aihara Restaurant and met Kinnosuke. Chris fell in love with Kinnosuke at first sight and has been approaching him ever since. But since Kinnosuke still has feelings for Kotoko, he ignored her and tells her a lot of mean things. Kinnosuke doesn't realize that he started develops feelings for her and when Chris finally decided to give up and leave Japan, Kinnosuke chase after her. Although Kinnosuke still didn't admit that he likes her, his effort was enough to make Chris stays in Japan longer. They later work together at Aihara and Tonan's canteen and getting closer and closer. Chris's cheerful personality matched Kinnosuke's and after they overcome so many obstacles, they got married and declared that they will be the best couple that rival Kotoko and Naoki. It's nice to see Kin-chan gets his happy ending and find someone who loves him wholeheartedly and he loves her as well. 

History Repeats Itself

Yuki Irie, Naoki's little brother, found himself in the same circumstances as his brother. Konomi Sagawa, a girl from class F has a crush on him and wanted to be his friend, but she was afraid to ask him because she was not confident with herself for being in class F. With Kotoko's help, Yuki noticed Konomi's existence but rejected her straight away, saying that he hates stupid girl. Kotoko encouraged Konomi to work hard so she would be in the Top 100 at the school exam to impress Yuki. Kotoko offered to teach her at home which allowed her to see Yuki. Although Kotoko promised that she would teach her, she was unable to do that because Kotoko doesn't really like studying. Naoki who saw all these decided to teach Konomi and found that she is fast at understanding things. As Naoki continues to teach her, Yuki gets mad at Konomi for disturbing his brother at his home. Yuki promised that he will be the one who teaches her and get her into the Top 100. The two developed a closer friendship which continues until years later. It's just a matter of time until Yuki finally admits that he has fallen for Konomi. Although Konomi appeared to be stupid at first, she's could learn something fast, and her character isn't loud and annoying. The annoying part might have been filled with Yuki's character since he's such a naughty brat, lol.

Overall, this version was really enjoyable and made me squealed a lot because of the overloaded cuteness in it. I also love all the hospital scenes and it's really inspiring to see Naoki and Kotoko work as a Doctor and Nurse. A lot of people want to have season 3 but I'm satisfied with the ending the way it was. I don't want to see any feud between Kotoko and her daughter fighting over Naoki's attention like in the anime. So, this ending where Kotoko and Naoki replaced the words "I Love You" with "Nothing" is already more than enough. They no longer need words to understand each other.

PS: All of the gifs were taken from tumblr and google. Feel free to message me if you want to be credited or want me to take it down. Jaa :)

Rencana Allah Lebih Baik

Bu Zubaidah

Dokter Barkah dan Dokter Evy, sepasang suami isteri yang berprofesi sebagai dokter ini rencananya ingin menikmati liburan sambil Umroh tanpa harus dibebani oleh tanggung jawab dan pekerjaan mereka. Tapi, Allah SWT punya rencana lain. Kemampuan mereka sebagai Dokter tidak dibiarkan sia-sia di perjalanan Umroh ini. Dari awal perjalanan di dalam pesawat, awak pesawat sudah meminta tolong pada para Dokter ini untuk membantu penumpang yang sakit, kemudian di perjalanan Umroh, Bu Zubaidah yang memiliki penyakit asthma dan sering kambuh pun mendapat penanganan dari pasangan dokter ini dengan baik. Anggota Travel yang lain juga akhirnya mendapat perawatan yang baik dari kedua pasangan Dokter ini saat mereka sakit. Bahkan hingga perjalanan pulang di pesawat pun, saat ada seorang penumpang kapal yang terkena penyakit cacar, kembali lagi kedua dokter ini dimintai tolong untuk memberikan penanganan darurat. Rencana Allah memang lebih indah dari rencana manusia. Pasangan Dokter ini bisa menjalani ibadah secara double, tetap bermanfaat bagi orang lain, meski tidak bisa sepenuhnya liburan, tapi bayangkan berapa banyak pahala yang mereka dapatkan karena pertolongan yang mereka berikan untuk orang-orang yang sakit selama perjalanan Umroh ini. Masha Allah 💗

Prison

I never want to specifically write down what or who make me feel so much despair. Whenever I'm done pouring my feelings into a private post or locked diary, I always ended up deleting them or burning the papers. In the end, I just don't want anyone to find out what really happens. And more importantly, I don't ever want those who hurt me to the point of depressed, find out what they did to me. Because most of the time, they didn't know that they did hurt me. They didn't understand how much damage they've left in me.

They don't deserve the pain from knowing my pain. They don't deserved to be blamed for my lack of almost everything that cause them to unintentionally or accidentally hurt me. They don't deserve to feel betrayed by my feelings. Because I fell down more often than any others. I fell into darkness so much longer than anybody else. This brain of mine really does not work normally and it gets harder each day.

Don't lose hope on me, I beg of them secretly

Don't give up on me, I pray silently

Don't turn your back on me

But again, in the end, it's me who lose hope in myself. I gave up. I turn my back on people and decided to lock myself away for such a long time. I used these excuses that I need some time alone, but the truth is, I just don't know anymore. I'm so lost and then it's perfectly normal if people finally annoyed at me and give up on me for being this way. That's perfectly understandable if even those who are closest to me decided to leave me. That's because I was the first one who did that to myself.

I still learn how to embrace the things that I disliked about myself. Is that pathetic? At this age, I should have been able to settled with life. But instead, I ended up in this prison of despair created by my very own brain. How am I supposed to live life? Where are the dreams and optimism I used to have? Will I be able to reach them again someday? Will I be able to defeat this demon within me? What if someday, I really decided to give up and let the demon wins? Will there be a comrade who will save me? But, isn't it too much for someone like me to wish to be saved by others?

I need to save myself. I need to strengthen myself. There is no other way.

Dear God... please, don't give up on me

Love Yourself?

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

The thing that I hate about myself is:

I always feel like people might get annoyed with me, ever since I was a kid. Although it has something to do with some childhood terrible experiences, the trauma lives within me until now. And the worst thing is when I sensed that the person whom I used to call a good friend no longer sees me as their friend, I wouldn't dare to ask him or her why. I would just accept his/her sudden coldness towards me and decided to leave for good without properly saying goodbye or fix it.

Talking about goodbye, that's also one of the things where I'm worst at. I've cut ties with few people without words because it was simply too hurtful for me, and I left certain places without a proper parting words. I couldn't bring myself to do that like others can normally do. I have these weird feelings that people would get annoyed and they wouldn't care if I'm gone. Who am I anyway? Again, because I'm probably thinking about other people's opinion too much, I ended up ignoring them and let them think of me as careless and quiet person so I don't have to explain myself. In the end, I'm so used to it that I truly become careless of everything.

I guess if I were born as someone else, I would hate this version of me, and again, because I couldn't love myself enough, I feel like no one else would.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Jodoh atau Bodoh? Menemukan Cinta Kembali di Ada Apa dengan Cinta 2

Entah darimana harus memulai, tapi ada sesuatu di film ini yang membuat aku begitu tersentuh, padahal aku tidak fanatik sama sekali dengan film pertamanya. Tapi, sesuatu dalam film ini membuat aku menontonnya hingga 3x berturut-turut, dan masih tetap mendapatkan kesan yang mendalam setiap kali. Ada Apa dengan Film ini?

Saat Ada Apa Dengan Cinta (2002) tayang, aku masih duduk di bangku SD, dan aku baru benar-benar memahami film pertamanya setelah aku berada di bangku kuliah, dan sejujurnya, aku merasa AADC adalah kisah romansa SMA yang sangat sederhana, hanya saja kisah ini menjadi berbeda karena ada balutan puisi-puisi indah dan soundtrack yang sangat berkesan. Kisah yang agak magis sebenarnya, ketika dua pujangga dengan karakter yang jauh berbeda, saling jatuh cinta karena sama-sama menyukai puisi? And not to mention that they were only 17? Isn't that a little bit unusual? Tapi toh, hal yang tidak biasa ini malah meninggalkan kesan mendalam. 

Ada sesuatu dalam setiap karya Riri Riza yang selalu berhasil menyentuh sanubari, bahkan dari karya yang sangat sederhana sekalipun. Mungkin karena aku selalu jatuh cinta dengan kisah si introvert yang mencair oleh kehadiran seorang ekstrovert. Mungkin karena aku pun juga menyukai puisi. Dan mungkin karena chemistry Dian Sastrowardoyo dan Nicholas Saputra yang begitu natural sehingga aku tidak seperti menonton dua orang berakting. Namun, cukup berkesan saja tidak menjadikan AADC (2002) menjadi film favorit, aku akui beberapa adegan iconic-nya terus aku ulang kalau lagi iseng, seperti saat Cinta membawakan puisi Rangga di cafe, atau saat perpisahan kedua insan ini di Bandara. Lagi-lagi, Riri Riza mampu menghadirkan adegan yang sederhana menjadi terlihat luar biasa indah.

Ada Apa dengan Cinta 2

"Karena seorang Rangga, rusak move on Sebelangga..."

Aku lupa membaca komentar ini dimana, tapi ini cukup mewakilkan cerita AADC 2, in hilarious way. Film ke dua setelah 14 tahun ini pastinya diantisipasi oleh masyarakat luas yang menantikan kelanjutan kisah Rangga dan Cinta, dengan ekspektasi yang tinggi, karena itu menjadi sebuah kejutan ketika aku mendapatkan film ini dihadirkan dengan cerita yang ringan dan cara yang begitu sederhana, namun entah bagaimana, luar biasa berkesan.

Berbahaya dan sangat beresiko sebenarnya, untuk menjadikan sequel dari sebuah film fenomenal yang ditunggu banyak orang ini menjadi kisah yang sederhana, karena orang-orang mengharapkan kisah yang lebih dramatis dan lebih banyak twists menegangkan dan, kalau yang aku baca dari beberapa komentar, mereka berharap film ini bisa dibuat lebih menyedihkan. Lalu, bagaimana bisa, sebuah kesederhanaan cerita dalam film ke dua ini justru meninggalkan kesan yang mendalam? Again, it's Riri Riza's magical hands who managed to do it. I guess when he told his Laskar Pelangi fellas to go to film school to know how to make a good movie, he really mean it. Dalam karya Riri Riza dan Mira Lesmana yang merupakan lulusan Institut Kesenian Jakarta, aku selalu menemukan hal yang berbeda dan memiliki makna tersembunyi, dibanding film-film lain. Riri membuktikan bahwa dari sebuah kesederhanaan pun, kita masih tetap bisa membuat film yang bagus dan bermakna.

Puisi Rangga

Puisi masih menjadi daya tarik utama. Jaman sekarang, saat segala hal yang terlalu 'puitis' dianggap cheesy atau gombal, kata-kata sastra nan indah kembali menjadi sesuatu yang mahal di film ini. Puisi-puisi karya M. Aan Mansyur yang dibawakan dengan suara dalam dan khas Nicholas Saputra sukses membuat siapa saja yang mendengarnya merinding. Tidak hanya itu, bahkan AADC 2 benar-benar merilis buku kumpulan puisi dan foto Rangga dengan judul "Tidak Ada New York Hari Ini". Bukan hanya memajukan perfilman Indonesia, tapi juga menyumbang karya dalam dunia sastra dan mengangkat kembali keindahan kata-kata sebagai sesuatu yang membanggakan.

Pasangan Legendaris milik Indonesia

Kalau Hollywood punya Leonardo DiCaprio dan Kate Winslet, Bollywood punya Shah Rukh Khan dan Kajool, maka Indonesia punya Dian Sastrowardoyo dan Nicholas Saputra. Pasangan on screen legendaris yang memiliki chemistry nyata dan natural saat berada di satu film. 14 tahun berselang setelah film pertama, tapi karakter dan chemistry mereka tetap kuat, aku seperti tidak menonton dua orang berakting, saking naturalnya interaksi keduanya di film ini. Tidak heran kalau penonton dibuat senyum-senyum sendiri seperti Cinta yang tidak bisa menyembunyikan sumringahnya saat bersama Rangga. Tidak perlu banyak adegan romantis, keduanya mampu membuat penonton terkesima hanya dengan melihat keduanya mengobrol ngalur ngidul, tenggelam dalam kecintaan yang mereka bagi terhadap seni dan keindahan.

Konflik yang Realistis

14 tahun bukan periode yang singkat dalam fase hidup seseorang. Persahabatan SMA yang mengalami naik turun dan menjalani hidup masing-masing pun adalah hal yang lumrah sehingga ketika genk Cinta tidak mampu ada saat Karmen mengalami konflik dalam pernikahannya yang menyebabkan Karmen sempat memakai obat-obatan terlarang pun sangat dipahami.

Alasan Rangga meninggalkan Cinta banyak dinilai sebagai pengecut dan lemah, aku pun mengakui hal ini. Why didn't he try harder? Why did he give up? Tapi, mungkin, hanya orang-orang yang juga pernah mengalami titik dimana dia memutuskan untuk menyerah sebelum akhirnya bangkit lagi yang cukup mau atau bisa memahami ketakutan Rangga. Pemuda penyendiri yang dari kecil harus menerima ayahnya menjadi cemoohan orang-orang, ditinggal ibunya dan saudara-saudaranya, lalu ditinggalkan ayahnya dan harus hidup sendiri di negeri orang. Some people are lucky enough to be able to be strong all their lives, but it's not a shame when someone has to face cruel reality and became weak at one point of his life. I felt pity for Rangga and found myself teared up a bit when I found out his true reasons to leave Cinta, simply because he didn't have confidence in himself. Man, that's sad, really.

9 tahun pun bukan periode yang sebentar untuk seseorang move on dari patah hati pertamanya. Lalu, kenapa Cinta begitu lemah, hanya dengan waktu yang sangat singkat, semua perasaannya pada Rangga kembali lagi? Apa yang dilakukannya 9 tahun ini? Mungkin ini yang dinamakan jodoh, atau kebodohan. Entahlah, tapi kita semua tahu bahwa AADC memang tentang Rangga dan Cinta, maka jika kisah ini dipusatkan pada perasaan mereka, ini seharusnya bukan hal yang aneh. It took me 5 years to be completely over my first love, and I still have soft spot for him for some reasons. So, 9 years is not long enough actually. 

"Jika ada seseorang yang terlanjur menyentuh inti jantungmu

Mereka yang datang kemudian hanya mampu menyentuh kemungkinan.."

Berdamai dengan masa lalu, bukan berarti melupakan masa lalu. Ia selalu bisa menjadi pelajaran berharga. Ia bahkan bisa menjadi masa depan. Tergantung bagaimana kita menyikapinya. Karmen yang berhasil lepas dari narkoba. Rangga yang memutuskan untuk memaafkan dan berdamai dengan ibunya. Dan Cinta yang tak pernah mau kalah pada logika, namun selalu mengikuti kata hatinya pada akhirnya. 

Pesan yang sederhana. Film yang sederhana. Namun bagi saya pribadi, kesan yang ditinggalkan lebih dari sederhana. Ada sinematografi yang indah, kesenian yang unik, dan kecintaan terhadap kopi disana. Hanya beberapa nilai tambah untuk saya yang juga penikmat seni dan kopi. When it comes to phenomenal, I know I can always trust Riri Riza and Mira Lesmana.

Social Anxiety Experiences

It's been a while since I wanted to write about my social anxiety experiences and how to overcome it. Although I'm still not sure if I'm good at it. Most people don't understand how much anxiety could affect a person's life, they tend to judge social anxiety people as too shy, naturally quiet, to the point that their quietness becomes annoying. The thing that people don't know is, social anxiety is really dangerous, it could even ruin someone's life, unless they learn how to deal with it. 

I've been having social anxiety since I was a kid for as long as I can remember. I get so terrified with the new environment, my head starts imagining things that make me scared, and it takes me at least a year to really get to know a person and accept him/her into my life. But as I grow up, I realized that I need to get over this thing soon, it started ruining my life so I know I need to do something about it. So, I joined an organization in my senior year and learned to mingle with many more people. I joined Mabit Nurul Fikri and I guess it kinda worked to make me less shy and be more active in life than I had ever been before. 

I've had been doing pretty well dealing with my social anxiety until 2014, I started getting bad again and this thing hits me harder than it ever did until now. It has already messed up my life ever since. Now, in order to 'heal' myself again, I feel the need to share some of those experiences whenever I had social anxiety attacks. I wish by writing it down, I could analyze myself and the situation where I was in, and learn to overcome it if I ever bump into the same circumstances in the future.

Skipping A Lot of Classes due to Tardiness

I went to college which was quite far from my house, it takes at least 30 minutes by motorcycle if there was no traffic in Jakarta and an hour by bus. I knew I should have tried harder to get to school without being late, but anyway, I got this weird habit that I can't do my best unless it involves my passions. I never late when I had to sing in the early morning with PSM. I never late to go to any of Mabit events. But college happened to be something I don't really like. I didn't put my best effort to get to school earlier and as a result, I was late for classes pretty often.

And unlike other normal students who could just go into class after being late for at least 15 minutes, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to get into the class, especially if the teacher was already inside. I got these weird ideas that my classmates would all be staring at me when I walked in, and whispered my tardiness to the friend next to them, and talked about how I never got into any of class's events and yet still dare to be late (there is no connection between this at all but my mind can't stop being negative at that time). I couldn't help but imagine the teacher would scold me in front of the class and would yell at me. I didn't know how could I think so negatively when in real life, I know my classmates couldn't care less about my tardiness, given the fact that I didn't really talk a lot with any of them, they would probably ignore me when I walked in. But still, whenever I got late into class, I couldn't get myself in, all I did was standing in front of the class, let my mind threaten me with its horror imagination about my classmates and teacher, and in the end, I would end up waiting there in front of the door, hoping someone would be late as well so I could go into class with him/her. At least, I won't be scolded alone.

It was always my own thoughts that scared me to death. I was once being thrown out of class because I was late, and ever since then, I had this funny feeling that that teacher hated me and would remember me as a bad student, and I felt like all teachers would treat me the same if I ever got late into class again. This is surely only happened in my mind. Later, I learned that it was not as bad as I thought. I learned that my teacher was just in bad mood that day and he greeted me casually the next day we met. I always learned that my classmates aren't as terrible as I thought, since they still give me their helping hands when we had exams (if you know what I mean 😆), and every terrible thing only exists in my brain. 

But if you have social anxiety, these things keep coming to you and you can't help it. The thing you can do best is trying really... really hard to remind yourself that it won't be as bad as you expected. It is truly much easier when I had a good friend who understands my condition so well, they made it much easier for me to carry on with my college life. I really need to thank them for those encouragements, I needed them most at that time. I guess without them, I wouldn't be able to finish my college or get into any classes. I mean it. They are so precious.

On the bright side, I became more aware of other people who seem to have social anxiety as well. It's not something that you can recognize so easily, it's something that needs depth understanding, and the willingness from the other party to learn about a person's anxiety. It was always in our brain, and we're the only ones who can fight it. We have to fight our demon everyday but with a friend besides us, it makes it easier. For people with social anxiety, even just one simple kindness could give enormous power to us. Maybe that's why the Prophet SAW said that a smile counts as a form of worship and charity. Because that one simple act of kindness really helps us a lot.

Thank you for reading

A Letter For A Bestfriend

Things have changed between us
We're no longer laughed together
We don't call each other anymore
I don't even know what are you to me now?
Or what am I to you now?

Maybe it was my decision to leave you
Maybe I'm just being selfish
Maybe I should be more forgiving
Maybe I should be more understanding

But you don't even try to hold me from leaving
You don't even try to call me and ask, "what's wrong?"
You are fine with my absence
You still laugh the same way 'though it's not with me

I wish I could turn back time
I wish I could save you from your mistakes
I wish I could protect you from your sins
I wish I could be there when you needed me

But, aren't we all sinners?
Who am I judging you from your mistakes?
I made mistakes too
So, why can't I just forgive you for yours?

Maybe I'm just being selfish again
Maybe because you never ask for it
Maybe I'm just not a good person
Or maybe... you just don't want to be saved

Getting Worse

I found myself in the darkest moment ever lately. Almost as terrible as my 2014, and seems like it's getting even worse. I found myself shutting down other people and walking even further away from anyone else. I suffered from a terrible heartache each day, the wound seems to be growing severe and I completely have no idea how to heal it.

I become a bad person, in and outside. I felt irritated all the time and couldn't help but be annoyed by everyone's existence. But at the same time, I know it's not right. It's like my soul is being ripped apart into two different personalities. And now I often hear these two fightings inside of me, telling me what's right and what's not from their own perspectives (this is kinda confusing since they are the voices within me, so they are basically my own perspectives, but you know what I mean!)

For example, when I'm annoyed by my friend's joke, two of my personalities will fight to decide:

BAD: She is so annoying, how can she joke about something that sensitive?

GOOD: Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it to offend anyone, and no one gets hurt by her joke so why do you even care?

BAD: What? No, it's not right to joke out of something like that? Didn't she know it crossed the line and you never know if it hurts anyone?

GOOD: But I'm sure everyone is mature enough to understand her true meaning is just to entertain others.

BAD: Well that's not very entertaining for me, stop acting like you're not bothered by it.

GOOD: Well that's your problem!

BAD: Shut up!

GOOD: YOU SHUT UP!

And it goes on inside of my head, lately, it's happening all the time. And usually, when that happens, I decided to be quiet, and even when my anger is building up, I keep it inside, 'til I unconsciously hitting my hand, or my face, and when I finally speak to very few people whom I trust enough to see the darkest part of me, I would say a lot of bad things, not to them, but mainly about what I'm feeling, and when I finally get to my sense, I'd feel bad for them for listening to my rants which totally have nothing to do with them and even probably annoyed them.

It's like I'm surrounded by dementors every day and I have no happiness left to conjure strong Patronus to protect myself from it.

Mr. Wordless

Hari ini aku menggali lubang masa lalu yang telah kukubur dalam-dalam. Hanya karena sebuah lagu lama yang menjadi teman kisah kita selama beberapa tahun itu. Lalu, aku kembali jatuh cinta. Apakah padamu? Ataukah hanya pada kenangan akan dirimu? Yang aku tau, kamu adalah salah satu dari kisah favoritku. 

Boleh aku sedikit bernostalgia? Bercerita tentangmu? Sudah lima tahun sejak terakhir kita bertemu, tak sedikitpun bayangan tentangmu menghantuiku seperti hari ini. Aneh bukan, hanya karena sebuah lagu, aku membuka kembali sejarah lama yang masih tersimpan rapi itu, entah bagaimana bisa ia masih ada. Lalu, kamu tau apa yang terjadi? Aku menangis. Aku menangis begitu saja, seolah semua yang ada di masa itu kembali kepadaku. Tawa itu. Canda itu. Ledekan itu. Dan tanda-tanda itu. 

Saat itu kamu adalah orang yang digemari banyak orang. Lalu, kita bertemu, dan kita berfoto berdua untuk pertama dan terakhir kalinya. Aku hanya satu dari ribuan orang yang mengagumi kamu, lalu bagaimana bisa takdir membawaku pada sebuah pertemanan, denganmu? Bagaimana bisa, setelah dari sekian banyak yang menyapamu, hanya aku yang kamu tawarkan persahabatan? 

Saat itu aku hanya pemimpi, penuh khayal, bagiku kamu begitu tinggi, tak terjangkau, karena itu ketika kamu memberikan ku lebih dari apa yang aku khayalkan, aku merasa seperti dongeng telah menjadi nyata dalam kehidupanku. Kamu adalah seseorang, sedangkan aku hanya bayangan, tapi kamu melihatku, dan menjadikan aku penting, atau paling tidak membuatku merasa begitu.

Ada jarak yang jauh, hanya melalui telepon, YM, SMS, BBM, twitter, dan social media, kita berbicara setiap hari, hampir sepanjang waktu. Kamu memanggilku dengan sebutan itu begitupun aku. Kita saling mencari saat satu sama lain tak bisa dijangkau, saling meledek, saling berbagi kisah, dan akhirnya aku kembali menemuimu lagi, ke tempatmu tinggal, ke negeri impian itu, dimana semua mimpi menjadi nyata. 

Kita saling peduli dan mencari cara untuk tetap bisa berkomunikasi dalam rahasia, tanpa perlu menyakiti orang yang menyayangi kita. Tapi, pada akhirnya saling menjauh. Lalu, kamu datang lagi. Kamu berada begitu dekat denganku, lebih dari sebelumnya. Dan kita, bertemu lagi. Berbicara lagi. 

Lalu, semua berakhir. Kita menyudahinya tanpa ada perpisahan. Tanpa ada penjelasan, apakah senyuman dan pembicaraan setiap hari kita selama 3 tahun itu adalah tanda yang kamu kirimkan? Apakah pernah dalam sehari saja, kamu merasakan yang kurasakan terhadapmu? Apakah pernah terbersit sedikit saja dalam benakmu, tentang keberadaanku? Apakah dalam canda dan ledekan yang kamu kirimkan nyaris setiap detik itu, ada sedikit saja rasa untukku?

Kamu menghilang dari hidupku, begitupun aku menghilang dari hidupmu, setelah hampir 3,5 tahun kamu mengisinya. Tak ada satu hari pun dalam hidupku tanpa pesan darimu saat itu. Apa yang terjadi? Aku tidak tahu, mungkin itu memang waktu yang tepat, untuk aku mengakhiri apa yang selama ini menjadi khayalan, dan melepaskan yang ternyata akan selamanya terlalu tinggi untuk kuraih. 

Aku merindukanmu, mungkin bukan dirimu, tapi kenangan tentangmu. Kenangan yang sangat berharga bagiku, dimana aku belajar menjadi manusia yang lebih baik kala itu, dan bahkan berprestasi di sekolah dan bisa meraih PTN, itu semua kamu yang menjadi motivasinya. Kamu mungkin tidak tahu, dan tak akan pernah tahu. Tapi, aku ingin berterimakasih. Atas segala yang terjadi, atas waktu yang kamu berikan, atas pertemanan yang kamu tawarkan. Kamu mengubah hidupku kala itu, dan semoga dimanapun kamu sekarang, kamu menjalaninya dengan baik tanpa kekurangan suatu apapun.

Terimakasih ya, Anak Kecil. Merkuriusku. Mr. Wordless-ku.

Terimakasih pernah membuat khayalanku menjadi kenyataan.

Music and Me?

Even though I'm blessed with musical talents from my Dad's side and my mother put me in a lot of artistic and musical courses/events, I don't think I'm really into music. Or should I say, I no longer felt passionate about music? Unlike most of my friends who are so passionate about music to the point that they remember so many songs and always stay updated with the newest hits and eager to perform in front of people, I don't. I love music, it's definitely one of my favorite escapes from reality, but to me, that's what music is all about now. A beautiful escape that could make me wander to the most beautiful fantasy and lift up my spirit. When it comes to music, just like with my social life, I only have very few favorite songs that I could listen for so many times because it reflects my feeling and some of them were so meaningful because they remind me of few experiences and unforgettable events in the past or to certain someone and stories.

I do enjoy performing, but not really passionate about it, maybe because I'm too shy and I feel like I want to throw up whenever I'm on stage by myself, so I kinda give up with a dream of becoming a star on stage, lol. Not only because I felt awkward most of the time, but because I can't memorize so many songs like most of the performers did. Or maybe I just don't want to because I'm lazy. Oh well...

Anyway, here's the list of few of my favorite songs and why they stuck in my head and make me giggled on the inside whenever I listen to it.

1. First Love (Nikka Costa)

This was probably the first English song that I learned and could memorize, 'cause I used to hate English. When I took a singing lesson in Elfa Secioria, my coach gave me this song at our first rehearsal. I have a special spot for 'the first time' things lol,

2. Reflection (Christina Aguilera)

This was the first English song that I performed in front of a real audience. Elfa Secioria always held a concert every 3 months and every student should perform solo. I really like this song because it was, you know, another first-time experience for me to perform on a real stage with a real audience watching me. Also, as I grow up, I learn about the meaning of the song and I could relate to it. It's one of those songs for people who questioned her own worth and identity wants a freedom to be herself but hard to do it, basically my life 😁

3. Memory (Andre Lloyd Webber)

I was just the background singer for this song with many of teenagers in Elfa Secioria Fatmawati's branch, we performed a medley of Jellicles Cat and Memory from Broadway Musical Cats. It was one of the best memories I had in Elfa Secioria. We rehearsed for a month every day, and for the first time, I got to know about Broadway Musical. We performed exactly the same way like the Broadway casts did, with cat's costumes and hair and mask, we danced and sang and acted like insane cats. It was fun and I really miss those days. And yes, as I grow up, I learn about the meaning of this song I felt related to its lyrics.

4. Flying Without Wings (Westlife)

I love Westlife since I was a kid and I literally had no idea what this song was about when I was a kid, I just simply fell for the music and Mark's voice. And as I grow up and learn about the lyrics, I realized that this song was probably made in heaven. It's really beautiful and tells about the many forms of love. And how those things can make us feel like we're flying without wings.

5. Angel's Wings (Westlife)

Another beautiful piece from Westlife, it tells the happiness of a father who welcomed his newborn baby and expresses his admiration and love into a beautiful song. If you have special connection with your parents, you'll feel so overwhelmed with this song.

6. Hingga Ujung Waktu (Sheila on 7)

This is still my favorite song from Sheila on 7 and I didn't even understand the meaning behind its poetical lyrics when I was a kid, but I fell for its beautiful music arrangement back then. Yes, it's a love song which makes my heart feel even warmer after I finally understand its meaning as I grow up. I always think that I want this song to be played on my wedding day, hopefully with S07 as the guest star 😊

7. Waktu yang Tepat 'Tuk Berpisah (Sheila on 7)

Again, this is another masterpiece from Sheila on 7, and I couldn't understand its poetical lyrics until recently. I know it's a sad song, but I couldn't really understand it before. Now, that I finally understand, it got me teared up every time I listen to it, especially because I've had few goodbyes and separation. Eross tried to make a goodbye sounded beautiful, but it secretly hide a sad and heartbreaking feeling, and you have to keep strong and bear with the pain and just let go of what is not meant to be yours. 

8. Two is Better than One (Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift)

This is the soundtrack of my unrequited love for three years during my high school days and half-of my 1st semester in college, with a long distance friend. The lyrics kinda reflected what happened to me and my crush: I fell in love at the first sight and I remember all the things about him on our first meeting, and we had this friendship for 3 years, we both had nicknames for each other, and he even made a secret account so he could talk to me without making anyone jealous. At that time, I sacrificed a lot of things for him, and even went across the ocean for him (literally). But yeah, it was a beautiful unrequited love which made me be a better person at that time. But it ended. It is definitely a story that I would cherish because 'though it was childish and sad, it felt like a fairy tale to me ~~

Music is my beautiful escape and each of my favorite songs is the soundtrack of certain important events that give me warm feeling whenever I listen to it. The memories come alive and I think this is more than just performing materials. 

See you in the next Music and Me Post...

Dear Zahrika Prastamia

Hey, Mia...

I wonder if you would ever read this post. I've been wondering where you are, where you've gone, you completely disappear from our lives. It's been almost 2 years since the last time I saw you. I don't know your phone number, and you disappear from all of the social media.

Where are you? Are you okay? We miss you, you know.

We're still struggling to graduate from college, all of us, me, Mella, Diah, Wardah, and Amel. We're still in contact with each other and sometimes we meet at school. We're wondering where you are. We're even planning to get your address so we could go to your house. You're one of the very important people in my college life. You saved me in many exams and I don't want to lose you just like that. I don't refer to a lot of people as my bestfriend, but to me, you're one of those very few people.

Where are you? Are you healthy? Do you remember us?

I'm working now, and it's so much harder to work on my thesis and also trying to finish all of my studies. I miss our intellectual conversations after classes or during classes (although most of the time it's only you and Wardah talking lol), I miss your existence and your coolness and indifference towards a lot of things lol.

Where are you? I sincerely wish you're doing fine

I just want you to know that you have me, Mella, Wardah, Diah, and Amel, who are here to support you and miss you so much. I want you to know how much we pray that all of us will succeed together in the end, in our own way. If I could get a chance to meet all of you again, I want all of us to go somewhere, far from college, and just travel for fun. We have never done that, right? We only meet at college. I regretted that I was so caught up with PSM and never spare my time to meet you guys outside the college.

Where are you? I wish you read this post somehow.

If you do read it, please let me know that you're still around, that you're not really gone. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. You were one of the very few people who understand me. We're one and the same, although you're a lot smarter haha.

Anyway, I wish wherever you are, you're doing great and be healthy.

We miss you. A lot.

Jangan Ganggu!

Gue tahu kalau hidup ini bukan sekadar kesedihan. Pasti akan ada arus yang membawa kita berputar mengalami jatuh dan bangun. Lalu, bagaimana bisa diri ini terperangkap begitu lama dalam suramnya kesendirian? Padahal ia dikelilingi orang-orang. Gue nggak tahu, apa yang gue cari? Apakah sekeliling itu nyata adanya? Ataukah hanya fana, sehingga meski dekat, tak bisa gue benar-benar merasakannya?

Lalu, orang-orang yang bahagia, bisakah mereka terus berbahagia saja tanpa harus mengomentari kesedihan orang lain? Jika kalian bahagia, baguslah, nikmatilah, tak perlu menyakiti orang lain yang kalian rasa menyedihkan dengan kata-kata kalian. Jika tak berniat menenangkan, maka menjauhlah, tinggalkanlah, biarkan terpuruk sendirian.

Gue pun berusaha. Gue pun mencari. Gue pun bertahan. Gue pun juga ingin meraih kebahagiaan itu. Maka meski gue berbeda, tak perlulah kalian ikut campur, apalagi mengganggu hanya karena sekedar ingin tahu. Gue akan menemukan kebahagiaan, sekarang atau nanti, gue pasti temukan. Meski sekarang mungkin masih jauh, dan gue masih sendirian. Itu lebih baik. Meski gue masih terperangkap dalam kesedihan sendiri, gue akan belajar untuk lebih kuat. Pada akhirnya kita semua akan bahagia.

Tapi, kesedihan juga bukanlah bencana, apalagi kesalahan yang harus ditutupi. Maka biarkan ia mengalir. Dan semoga kesedihan itu akan menjaga gue agar tidak meninggi hati, apalagi merasa lebih baik dari siapapun. Kesedihan itu akan menjadi pintu kebahagiaan, untuk menyadari betapa berharganya ia ketika ia datang nanti.

Misleaded

Maybe I fell in love with you for longer than I thought
Maybe behind that laughter and togetherness, I secretly wish that you felt the same
Maybe I thought that you were just waiting for the right moment
Maybe I saw this friendship as something much deeper than what it really is
Maybe I thought that we had a future together

You were the first person who acknowledged me and needed me by your side
You were the first person who chooses to call me when you were sad
You were the first person who told me that my existence calms you down
You were the first person who made me believe that I'm good enough
You were the first person that showed me your weaknesses

And I didn't realize that I might have fallen for you for a long time
And maybe that's why it hurts so much to find out the truth
And maybe that's why I got disappointed 'though I probably already knew the truth
Maybe because I finally realized that I.... was in love with you

Now I know that all the calls you made were not for me but for someone else
Now I know that you needed me by your side only so you can have someone else

Now I know that I was just a shield you needed for you and someone else
Now I know that I was meaningless

I wish I didn't know
I wish I didn't find out the truth
I wish I didn't care too much
I wish I didn't meet you
I wish I didn't fall in love with you