I found myself in the darkest moment ever lately. Almost as terrible as my 2014, and seems like it's getting even worse. I found myself shutting down other people and walking even further away from anyone else. I suffered from a terrible heartache each day, the wound seems to be growing severe and I completely have no idea how to heal it.
I become a bad person, in and outside. I felt irritated all the time and couldn't help but be annoyed by everyone's existence. But at the same time, I know it's not right. It's like my soul is being ripped apart into two different personalities. And now I often hear these two fightings inside of me, telling me what's right and what's not from their own perspectives (this is kinda confusing since they are the voices within me, so they are basically my own perspectives, but you know what I mean!)
For example, when I'm annoyed by my friend's joke, two of my personalities will fight to decide:
BAD: She is so annoying, how can she joke about something that sensitive?
GOOD: Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it to offend anyone, and no one gets hurt by her joke so why do you even care?
BAD: What? No, it's not right to joke out of something like that? Didn't she know it crossed the line and you never know if it hurts anyone?
GOOD: But I'm sure everyone is mature enough to understand her true meaning is just to entertain others.
BAD: Well that's not very entertaining for me, stop acting like you're not bothered by it.
GOOD: Well that's your problem!
BAD: Shut up!
GOOD: YOU SHUT UP!
And it goes on inside of my head, lately, it's happening all the time. And usually, when that happens, I decided to be quiet, and even when my anger is building up, I keep it inside, 'til I unconsciously hitting my hand, or my face, and when I finally speak to very few people whom I trust enough to see the darkest part of me, I would say a lot of bad things, not to them, but mainly about what I'm feeling, and when I finally get to my sense, I'd feel bad for them for listening to my rants which totally have nothing to do with them and even probably annoyed them.
It's like I'm surrounded by dementors every day and I have no happiness left to conjure strong Patronus to protect myself from it.
