I wish I never knew how expensive to afford living. All those payments we need to pay monthly for the rest of our lives, the cost of those foods. And with such minimum incomes... I started to understand why people questioning whether life is worthy for all these efforts just to stay alive. What do we gain from trying to pay for all these other than to avoid death? Death seems like an easier option, if I were not a Muslim, I'd probably choose that route.
I understand why relationship could change because of economic problems. You really don't eat LOVE to stay alive. Parents who become depressed because they don't have enough to feed the whole family, I felt that now even though I'm not a parent, but responsibility for the whole family simply falls on me now. I can't really ask anyone for help because as I grow older, I realized that all of those I know also carry this burden, even sometimes, harder and heavier than me.
I want to find a purpose for living, but I barely managed to pass each day. When I read my blogs from 10 years ago, I was this young kid full of passions and dreams. I wonder where did she go. Why can't I believe in myself? I wonder if I really don't have desire for all those expensive things or did I choose to stop myself from wanting it cause I know they are hard to gain? Maybe deep down I know the answer, but the fear to confront what I really feel make me hate myself so much. I'm 30 now, and I still learn very slowly to love myself apparently.
I want to change. Please... self, do something!
