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Everyone has two sides about themselves, right? The good one and the bad one. Staying awake every night sometimes helps me figure out things about myself, I came to realized that I actually have these creepy, criminal, dangerous, mean thoughts that I never show to anyone. Heck, if people could read minds, I don't think they'll stay close to me for more than 5 minutes. They'll freak out immediately.
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me, Jason Mraz said, but I can't help it. The only way to release those thoughts is by being sarcastic or being a very quiet person, and I've been holding it for a long time because the only thing that keeps me from shouting sh*ts to people is the fact that the good side of me told me that I shouldn't hurt anyone's feeling. But still, realizing that I have these kinds of crazy, awful thoughts in my mind make me realized that I probably don't deserve anyone's affection. Especially from people who love me now.
I feel like I don't want to drag them into my life because it's too awful and I don't think there's anyone who would ever be able to put up with my stubbornness, furthermore, the other side of me. The more I grow up, the more I realize that society will always judge me, including my family and friends. Heck! Can't I live freely, outside of those people's whispers and backtalk? Back in high school, I was this bad little kid who always skipped classes and did all the bad things, then my friends accepted me with all the pain I brought, they accepted me in my darkest hours. But the best thing about them is they didn't try to stop me when I decided to find the light by myself. They don't judge me at my lowest point and they support me in my brightest moment.
I can be so negative at unexpected moments and I don't think anyone can bear with it. While trying so hard to lift up to people's expectations, be a good girl for my parents, I get tired and BAM!! The crazy thoughts start surrounding my head. I can't let anyone live with this wild woman, I would hurt them. I really think I should pull myself away from people slowly because I'm afraid I'd harm them.
I think I should befriend solitude.
5 komentar:
you know what, not a month ago I had been thinking about the exact same thing. Feeling like I never deserve and will never ever deserve anyone's love, thinking that everybody will definitely be better off without me in their lives. but reading this and knowing that I'm not the only one to feel and think like that, I just kinda thought that it was uncool. It was uncool to shut everybody out because I think we think we don't deserve them.
letting people in is a dangerous thing to do. I'm a private person, and I guess you are, too. letting anyone knows you better is always hurtful, it will always be, but I believe the hurt goes both ways. Letting anyone in, or going into other person's live is hurtful. you can't expect to build a strong relationSHIP without strong storm and thunder.
the more i think about it, the more i realized that the real issue is that I'm scared of relationship (be it friendship or boyfriendship). It's not that I'm a bad person (although I know I am), it's more because of I'm afraid of relationship. And i assume that's what happening to you too, Den. I guess we both should really work on this issue, before we end up as an old crazy lady with too many cats in her house!
Ahahahahaha Gadis!! It's been a while, hasn't it! How are you? :P
How about now? Do you still feel the same as you did a month ago? How to overcome it? It's not that bad end up living with cats, at least you're not alone :P but you're a much better person than me, lol.. you don't deserve that kind of awful life :P
Anyway, thank you :") Right now, I can't really figure out how to overcome this issue, but knowing that there's someone else out there who actually has the same problems made me feel less lonely. When someone seems to understand you and not only sympathize you, it's a good feeling.
Maybe we can find the way to fix this thing later, we need to keep moving forward and can't leave our life behind, although it takes more extra strength to keep living with this issue inside of our head. :"
Anyway, may all the best always go with us and may those absurdities inside our mind won't drive us crazy :"D
trust me, Den, my life is just as messed up as yours, if not worst! i've been very depressed lately. i got into ridiculous problems with one person that i call my bestfriend and we're not really the same since that. it's some scary thing, relationship!
we just need to keep going. where to, that's the biggest question we both need to answer. i don't like being this crazy at times, but at other times i just feel like the hell with the world! well, let's just trying to survive one day at a time
i hope you're not feeling too lonely. or, try to believe that being alone doesn't necessarily mean feeling lonely!
I do believe that being alone doesn't mean feeling lonely. It's true though, some relationship that we trusted the most could put us in the deepest despair. Maybe right now we can only create a safe distance with people to avoid any 'too much' feelings. It's sucks when our happiness depends on someone else's presence.
Good luck for both of us, Dis. We have family! And even if we're the only creatures that's left on this earth, we still have God :")
i went to my therapist today and she said i should lower my defenses and try to let anyone see who i really am, with all the imperfectness that I am. just saying maybe it will work? i don't know, i hope it will.
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