Breathless

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Even until now, the words that you spoke to me still gave me heartache, and I don't know when will I be able to recover from this heartbreak. You, the one whom I trust and love the most, could said those hurtful things to me. Even when you saw me cried, you didn't stop. You kept saying as if I'm the worst human that ever been born in this earth. You made me feel worthless, you made me believe that maybe... my existence was just disappointment for everyone.

For you, I will never be good enough... I will never lift up to your expectation, I will make you disappointed again, no matter how much I've tried to be good enough.

I swear I cried in my prayer and the only thing I asked is for Him to take me away from this world. To free me from this pain. If my existence will only make you feel miserable, there is no point for me living in this world. I know I have no choice but to forgive you. But I wish my heart will easily heal itself. Sadly, it doesn't. Now, I'm feel like living in the emptiness. I'm still doing what I must to do, but my heart keeps aching all the time. It cries in silence.You mught have forgotten what you said to me in a blink of an eye, but for me, those words keep ringing in my ears all the time. I'm feel worthless all over again...

I don't want to feel that way. I beg for God to make me become for forgiving. I beg for God to give me amnesia. I beg for God to make me stronger.

But only this time, I'm feel like it's all useless. I'm so breathless. I want to end my life.

The only thing that keeps me away from committing these acts, is because I remember that it would be sinful to commit suicide. If I don't have Islam, I might would have killed myself last night.

...................................

I wish this wounds will be healed somehow.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Daily Routine Change

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

1. I choose to stay awake after Fajr instead of fulfill my desire to sleep. It makes me feel less tired and more healthy. It was so difficult for me to sleep early and wake up early, and maybe that's why I often felt tired.

2. I choose to focus on my prayer, no matter how busy I might be, I will try my best not to fasten it and try to perform the best prayer. I've been praying since I was a kid, but I'm feel like these past few days, I finally knew how it felt to be completely 'khusyuk' to the point that I could cry in my sujood. It makes me feel relieved.

3. I choose to start wearing skirts and bigger clothes to cover my body, no matter how people say that I look fatter in it. I may have not been able to wear a completely syar'i clothes, but I'm trying my best, slowly, to reach that point. Honestly, bigger clothes do make me feel safer and more modest, and I'm feel so comfortable because nobody stared at me anymore with 'flirty' look. You know, eventhough you wear a hijab, if you don't wear it right, some irresponsible people would still treat you with less respect.

4. I choose to start reading books again, and it felt great. It's sad that I stopped reading a book for almost a year now, I don't know why I do that. I used to love reading so much. And when I finally come back to this habit (and found a really good book to start over), I'm feel like a part of me is completed. It makes me thirsty of reading. And what I mean is reading a real book, not articles or short stories, or gossip from internet. When I finished a really good book, I'm feel like something inside of me has been accomplished. I don't exactly know what that is, but it makes me feel like I've just travel to a new distant beautiful place.

5. I choose to lessen my make up, unless for occasional events such as concert, weddings, and something that require performance. I want to accept who I am. I never feel like I'm pretty, to be honest. Until few days ago, I still hated my own look and that's partially one of the reasons of my shyness. Ever since I was kid, I got bullied a lot. Kids around primary school age at that time didn't want to be friend with someone who's never placed in class ranking, has a brown skin, curly hair, and don't know how to talk properly. It kinda affected me to the point that I believed that I'm not pretty enough to be accepted. But as I grow up and getting to know more people, I realized that outer appearance is not the most important thing to be accepted. A good heart and good manner is more important than that. I didn't say we all have to act elegantly or pretend to be nice to be accepted, but let's try our best not to hurt anyone with our words or action. And put on a smile more often, that's the best make up we could share for free.

6. I choose to express myself not only through my writing, but in my real life and behavior as well, and that's the hardest thing to do. I have a serious issue with shyness, it took me a whole year to remember my classmates name in college and even until now, I still don't think I know them really well. That's partially because I never expressed myself in front of them. Tho, I think that being silent, sitting beside the windows, and putting on a flat face is also my daily expression, I realized that I never really say what I really want to say to my friends. This is something I need to change. Confidence to be who I wanna be. Sometimes I used excuse that being silent and introvert is also a part of me, but I know that's not the real case. Sure, I probably won't change into a very talkative person so suddenly, but at the very least, I will try to speak what I need to speak and tell what I need to tell. Wish me luck on this!!

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Rant on Skripsi

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

I'm feel like writing something here, meski sebenarnya skripsi menunggu untuk dikerjakan, tapi entah kenapa selalu ada hal lain yg membuat gue tertarik melebihi ngerjain skripsi. I mean, I could have used my time to read a good book rather than sitting hours in front of my computer, reading something I completely don't like (journals, thesis, etc) and yes, I really am that uncool. I'm just suck at studying and when it comes to school stuffs, I usually failed. Not because I'm stupid (or maybe I am), but because my laziness is bigger than earth. I find it very hard to concentrate. Beda dengan melakukan hal lain yang memang gue suka, misalnya baca buku-bukunya Tereliye, baca partitur, baca postingan-postingan seru di internet yang insha Allah bukan a waste of time, dan baru-baru ini keasyikan bikin subtitle English buat video-video Nigahiga, lumayan bermanfaat buat melatih listening dan writing skills kan. See... it's not useless~ :p

I could spend hours surfing people's blogs to read their awesome knowledge and informations. Why can't skripsi be that interesting?

Iya sih, teori Barthes dan teori-teori skripsi lainnya itu juga ilmu, tapi bukan ilmu yang ingin gue geluti. I was just trying to find the easy way to finish skripsi by choosing such an easy theme for my thesis, but still, whenever I try to work on it, I got distracted by something else. As a result, I couldn't finish my thesis. Also, kayaknya gue punya masalah dengan lingkungan baru juga karena beberapa kali gue nge-skip kelas atau mata kuliah yang belum gue ambil dan terpaksa harus sekelas sama junior, tapi setiap kali mau masuk kelas, entah gimana ceritanya, kaki ini gak bisa bergerak masuk, padahal udah di depan pintu. All of sudden, my mind would be filled with so many terrifying images where all these new kids and juniors would scare me to death and judge me. I know it may sound exaggerating a little, but that's exactly what happened and that's one of the reasons why I failed my classes. Because I couldn't get into classes, because I was afraid, because I had such terrifying images, and that happened all the time.

So, who to blame? My weak soul? Kalau ada yang bilang kita bisa mengendalikan diri kita dan pikiran kita, well, that's not working for me because most of the time, I can't. See, I always try to be positive when something bad happened, but when it comes to paranoid and weird imaginations? I need more help on that. Why do you think I always refuse to sing solo, or be the front man, or be in the spotlight for too long. That's because the longer I'm in there, the images of people who are watching me get more and more terrifying. This may sound unreal but this is what actually happened inside my brain. See how messed up it is? And I know all of these problems may sound silly and stupid for normal people out there who don't have issues with their mind, but it becomes a big problem for me.

I got easily distracted, like right now when I'm supposed to work on my thesis, I write a rant on a blog instead. Or when I have to go to library to find some journals for my thesis, I always got distracted by other more interesting places. But yeah, I can handle it as long as I have strong will to fight all those distractions. Tapi, ketika sudah berhubungan dengan bayangan-bayangan mengerikan yang ada di kepala gue, most of the time, I failed to win against them. I only have one savior for this issue: Caffein

Yeah, caffein helped me through all of these issues (except the paranoid ones). At least, it makes my brain focus and more hyper so I can finish everything in one go. Hey, don't forget that I finished my first skripsi chapter in one night, and it got accepted right away by my lecturer. So, thanks coffee. I need more of those magic in my life.

Anyway... I think this post is getting more random and I should stop writing now before I'm getting more out of topic. I don't even know if this post has a good point or not.. well, I think it's just a rant so why expect a good point. Just.... just wish me luck okay.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Secret

For this one matter, I will keep it as my secret
For this feeling, let it be my own treasure
For the first time, I can't share it to anyone
Because you are just that precious
And I'm too afraid of their judgment

I swear I will let you lay on me forever
I will shoulder all of your sadness and fears
I will never leave you
But let it be my secret, you don't have to know
I just want you to feel that you will never be alone

This is my way to show how grateful I am
For all the laugh that you give to me when I can't even smile
You don't know how much that means
To find a reason to smile while fighting my own demon inside
Thank you

I'm just like them, longing for you
Just like them, I adored you
But unlike them, my feeling is true
And I don't need you to give it back to me
I just want to make sure that you will always have a friend

And that's what makes me different from them
Because I will cherish you
And even without me, I want you to be happy
So, I keep your name in my prayers
And ask for God to take care of you

Let it be my secret
For my feeling and for your existence in my life
Let it just be my secret

I Just Want You To Be Forgiving

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

I've been seeing you two fighting for the longest time, but I never get used to it. It sets my soul on fire everytime and I just want to cut myself when I see it again and again. It goes on. The more I grow up, the more I understand that things are not as easy or simple as they seemed. The more I care, the more I'm afraid. I try to talk to the two of you, all I want is for you two to see it from different perspective and point of view, and make you understand from each other's side.

No, I never try to lecture any of you. No, I never intend to be a rebel and make you sad. I just want to talk it out with you and make you understand that there's more to see than just your past mistakes. That you can try to forgive. That you can try to work together. That you have me who care and just want to make everything better for both of you.

But, you refuse to understand what I'm saying

You don't even try to listen to what I'm trying to tell you

Everything I said is a mistake

You keep saying that "you're not me and you don't know what I've been through.."

You know what? I actually know. I've always been there with you two, watching you. And I know that if only you two want to try to put your selfishness and ego aside, we can definitely work this out together with better understanding. I just want you to see from each other's perspective to see that it's not as bad as it seemed. I just want you to be forgiving.

But everytime, you refuse that helping hand. Everytime, you always say that I know nothing. No matter how many times I tell you that I just care and really want the best for you two, the words don't reach you. Everytime, everything I said is just a mistake for you.

I swear I never try to defend anyone. I swear that I love both of you equally. I swear that all I want is just your happiness. But it seems like you measure your happiness through the things that you can see, and that's what I can't give to you. Money is the start of all of these problems, and no matter how much I tell myself that money can't fix everything, life prove me that I was wrong.

What should I do now? I'm running out tears, my hands are numb from too much scratch that I created to lessen the pain I feel inside. All I want is for your happiness, and I'm truly sorry if I'm the reasons for your despair. I'm sorry if I can't lift up to your expectation until now. And if somehow getting separate ways is really the only way for you two to reach your happiness, then be it, I can't do nothing about it. The wound in my heart will keep getting bigger, but I won't let you see it, because I don't want anymore pain for you two.

I just wish that somehow, someday, you will try to understand me. I just wish that someday you will try to be forgiving, for you and for each other.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

HBD23rd

Happy birthday...

Because if it's not you who celebrate it for yourself, who else would be? It's not like you are famous or have that many friends, but still, I'm so grateful to those who actually remember it. Thank you, Maxi, PSM, Gupa, VJ, etc, etc... Thank God that you're given the chance to live a bit longer so you can fix yourself.

Light up some candles, make a wish, and be grateful!!

All Thoughts Packed in One Post

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

A friendly reminder that you will waste 3 minutes of your life if you're reading this lame post. Before you continue, I suggest you to open a new tab and open a better web to read.

Do you still want to continue?

Well, I've warned you.

The last time I wrote here was two months ago?! Wow, never thought that I would leave blog for that long, but now here I am again, in need for a place to let out my feelings, anxieties, troubles, etc.. LOL. Some things never change, aren't they?

I'm currently at the end of my college life, and I've never felt so stressed about it, simply because I'm always drawn to do the things that I love instead of what I must do. I'd rather do my job as cantora in PSM and take care of those singing lessons, events, projects, etc, instead of doing my thesis. Seeing my friends graduated one by one really makes me happy, but terrified at the same time. I had issue with overthinking and I can't help but think that I might would never have a chance to graduate as long as I'm still doing the things I love, rather than what I must do. These thoughts keep bugging me, that's why my insomnia is getting worse, because all of those terrifying thoughts seemed to come to the surface of my mind when I'm alone. It's sucks to be someone who can only focus on the things she loves.

Maybe I'm just really a sucker for things like thesis and school stuffs like this. :-(

On a brighter note, I'm quite relieved that my job as cantora in PSM will be over this month. It means, I would finally be able to concentrate on my thesis. I'm having a lot of fun doing my job for two years in Artistic Department, and honestly, I think if I were asked to continue doing it, I will still agree to do it because I understand more and more about my job and artistic and finally know what I want to do in it. Two years are not enough to build a strong artistic department, I think, especially when you began to understand what your job description is, and what you want to build and improve, you just want to continue doing it, and especially when you already feel so comfortable in it... But like the famous quotes said, nothing lasts forever. I know I have to put an end for myself and let the new generation replace me. I need to entrust my dreams and job to them and give them chance to learn, and especially let them feel the excitement of being in Artistic. It's always good when you're working for arts and that's why my thesis is always number 2, or maybe even 5 in my to-do-list lol. I'm not quite sure if I regretted it or not for being this way, but I know I'm happy for being able to do my best for the organization that I love.

I don't know where my life is going to take me from now, honestly, I never really imagined my life without PSM, and I never imagined that I would be at this point of college. I know I should be the one who decide where I must going from now, decide things for myself, and create my future. But honestly, I'm just not that kind of cool person who has the guts to dream big or have their future set in their mind. All I know is I need to graduate this year and continue doing the arts. I need to find a way to go to Japan somehow, and I still need to find a way to buy a new camera. 

Wow, this post is so lame and has no good closure. Sorry that you have wasted your time reading it lol. I've warned you, though :p

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.