Living - Surviving...

Adulthood is funny. It keeps me questioning whether I'm just emotionally intelligent or just getting good at killing emotions? Or both? 

When my little brother passed away and our family stood together in front of the ICU, receiving the news from the doctor, I was the only one remaining calm... while my big brother and mother almost fainted, crying hard. I cried, of course, but at that time... for a strange reason, I expected such news because I was the one spending most time with him in the hospital. As much as I didn't want it to happen, somewhere inside me always expect for the worst based on what I've been seeing and observing. Am I pessimistic that I expected my little brother will pass away? Maybe. But does that mean I wasn't sad? I was crushed, I am still grieving to this day. But at that time, until the whole funeral process is done, I was able to stay calm, stayed at my mother's side, making sure she'd remain strong, holding as much tears as possible, trying my best to numb my feelings.

Although... I ended up still crying all alone whenever I have no one around me until now. But when I have to face it, thankfully, I was always able to give the most minimum reaction, cause honestly... I don't know how else can I act.

And it happens again now. When I received the news that my contract will not be continued and I will be jobless once again, I was able to remain calm while receiving the news. And that's because I already expected them since the first talk with my superior, that due to the efficiency policy, they need to let go the ones with the least responsibilities: me, as I'm just an office administrator that don't bring any profit to the company that is still growing. So, once again, I saw that coming, I was prepared and received the news with the calmest reaction, that I even surprised with myself when it was finished.

How did I do that? I never know.

I just know that I was never good at reacting or showing strong emotions. Does that mean I wasn't hurt? I was, I am, I'm filled with worries and fears especially because I'm the backbone of the family. Who's gonna pay all the bills? But what else can I do? My mind already make all the possibilities for me to still be able to pay them while receiving the news, making all the schemes and survival plans for a few days or months ahead.

But I still don't know how did I manage to react that calmly. Sometimes, I like to think that maybe I'm just getting stable at managing my emotions, but at the same time, I also realized there's another reason. Something that keeps bugging me inside but I cannot explain it, and that have something to do with numbing my own emotions at the most critical times. 

It left me feeling empty afterwards, but I have to keep going. Maybe this is my way of surviving, by numbing everything I feel, but will I be able to keep living like this? Only for survival instead of really living?